loneliness

[Euler2718]

My therapist said I'm lonely. I agree. But if I meet a girl and she falls in love with me, I interpret the relief from loneliness as love (I think). So how do I know if I love someone? Being saved from my aloneness feels like love to me. I can't differentiate feelings well, so maybe I can't make good decisions about romance (today, at least, it seems like it won't be required).

The BPD told me I didn't love her, I didn't love her I just didn't want to be alone. I couldn't reassure her WITH A SENSE OF CONVICTION (I wasn't very convincing) since I can't differentiate well. So she told me how I felt and I sort of bought it.

If only there was a quick solution -- now that she's gone I'm acutely aware of my feelings, they're mostly painful, so no wonder I stopped feeling soo long ago. The T says the pain will decrease and that right now I'm in a "crisis situation" so don't think it will go on forever.

Anyway, it's only been 6 wks of therapy, and I have made a goal "I want to be able to feel" (no instruction book though). I may be progressing. Anyone with similar lack of consciousness with their insides is welcome to comment.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Radcliff]

I think you've hit upon something important.  Some of us may come into these relationships already out of touch with our feelings due to our experience in our FOO.  Others of us fall out of touch with our feelings in the course of a long BPD relationship where we constantly stuff our own feelings in order to get by.  Congratulations on starting therapy and zeroing in on the super important topic of learning to find your feelings.

You also mentioned loneliness.  One mistake we can make is expecting that a romantic relationship will take care of all of our emotional needs, will be the sole defense against loneliness.  This puts a lot of pressure on the romantic relationship, and also makes us extra vulnerable if the romantic relationship doesn't work out.  We can have healthy connections to people in many aspects of our lives, and together, all of these connections stave off loneliness.  Do you see opportunities to connect to people in other aspects of your life?

RC

[Euler2718]

I just think it would be a funny conversation if I ran into a girl and she said:
Do you like me? Do you find me attractive?
And my honest answer would at this point have to be: I don't know. You liking me and potentially relieving my loneliness feels like love and/or attraction to me.
That's sort of what happened with the BPD early on -- they HATE that sort of wishy-washy response. And without being a faker that's the most reassurance I could summon.

[Radcliff]

I think you are really onto something here.  I think almost everyone feels this way to an extent.  Some of us more than others.  Healthy dating proceeds slower than many of us experienced in our BPD relationships.  Honestly, I'm no expert, but I'm thinking the healthy way to do it is first, to not have all our eggs in one basket -- to have a lot of our loneliness taken away by non-romantic human interactions.  And second, to go slow.  To say to ourselves, "Hmm... .this person is interesting to me, it might turn into something, or it might not -- I think I'll flirt a little and try to get to know them better."  Then slowly grow a relationship, and be ready to stop the growth if it's not working out.

Hmm... .this raises a question.  If you have experienced a romantic relationship as a primary tool for addressing loneliness, that gravitational pull might have been so strong you weren't even conscious of what traits you wanted in a partner.  Try this thought experiment.  Imagine yourself in a bowling league, in a book club, and with a bunch of hiking buddies.  You've got the loneliness thing licked.  Get comfortable and give it a minute to settle into this scenario.  Then think about what traits in a woman you find initially attractive, as well as what traits you think would really fill up your heart over the long haul.  (Hint:  If one of the things you find attractive is that the woman needs rescuing, you'll want to disallow that trait as an attractor).

Assume that the question is not whether you'll find a partner, but which one you'll pick.  What about a potential partner's personality, shared interests, looks, etc. would get your heart going?

RC

[Euler2718]

Im in favor of going slow,  just so I can try to understand my feelings. BPD said I should know instantly (well, like the first 15 minutes) whether we're compatible or not. Everyone agreed with her and it left her convinced we weren't compatible. After much thought and discussion with the T, I now think we are compatible and should be together. So until I can get past that I just live a full platonic life, try to become more sentient, maybe no dating. It wouldn't be right (to me) to date someone while I was still in love with my ex.

[Radcliff]

What are your thoughts on platonic friendships and group activities (support groups, volunteering, hobbies, friend groups, etc.) to handle the loneliness issue and help enable your goal of going slowly in the romantic arena?

RC

[Euler2718]

I'll try. I just checked out auditions for community theater but theyre not til January. That's the OPPOSITE of any activity I would normally do, which is why I thought of it. It's gonna be a rough transformation though, since I'm an introvert and am used to my solitary life.

[Radcliff]

Wow!  Now, that's the spirit!  Keep brainstorming.  Breaking isolation and getting out and doing things can be tough.  Isolation can be comfortable.  Once you get some traction, though, and start to feel results, it gets easier and more fun.  Can you brainstorm a half dozen or so ideas?  It's OK to take risks and have some not pan out.  Are there any classes you might like to take through a community college or adult education program? (They often have an amazing array of interesting courses).   Hmm... .what could you start up at a random time and not have to wait until January?  Do you have any hobbies or are you interested in starting any?  Are there any volunteer activities you might enjoy?

RC