I feel like I have to relearn how to be in a relationship

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I feel like I have to relearn how to be in a relationship. Was it so wrong of me to take his words seriously when:

1. He said he loves me.

2. He said he won't ever be able to be with anyone else.

3. He will be waiting for my return.

I mention these because less than a day after trying to contact me he is online looking for dates.

Why is it so difficult for me to accept that he was lying to me? I know perhaps that in the moment that was his own "truth" but how does one go from 1., 2., 3. to a dating site?

I know he is a liar, I know he is a bully, yet I care. What's the matter with me?

[Getoverit]

I feel like I have to relearn how to be in a relationship. Was it so wrong of me to take his words seriously when:

1. He said he loves me.

2. He said he won't ever be able to be with anyone else.

3. He will be waiting for my return.

I mention these because less than a day after trying to contact me he is online looking for dates.

Why is it so difficult for me to accept that he was lying to me? I know perhaps that in the moment that was his own "truth" but how does one go from 1., 2., 3. to a dating site?

I know he is a liar, I know he is a bully, yet I care. What's the matter with me?

[once removed]

I feel like I have to relearn how to be in a relationship.

youre not alone in this, and youve come to the right place.

is it so wrong to take those words seriously? no.

but there may be two things going on, and one is about him, and one may be about you.

people with BPD traits are sentimental dreamers, impulsive, and over express things like young children. this tends to be less about lying or bullying and more about an idealistic world view.

ive told a few of my girlfriends that they were "the most beautiful girl in the world". a little over the top, right? but not anything out of the ordinary of what most of us have said to partners at one point or another. it made them feel good, but none of them ever stopped and asked me if i really truly meant "THE most beautiful girl in the world". they understood the sentiment, and somewhere inside, knew i was exaggerating, but meant well. was i lying? well, its certainly not something i still believe. i was being over the top in the moment.

and people with BPD traits live in those moments constantly, express them strongly, and form unrealistic expectations around them.

many of us do too.

and by and large, as these relationships evolve and devolve, they are a battle with a series of disappointments over these unrealistic expectations, where both parties tend to blame the other party, each tries in their own way to get back those initial powerful feelings, and we clash.

so perhaps its difficult to accept that he was lying to you because it doesnt quite ring true, and that things are more complicated/complex. we invested deeply, in a powerful bond, partly based on these unrealistic expectations, and the loss we feel is significant, huge, often to the point that we feel a huge loss of self worth. its by tapping into those complexities that we can detach.

how does one go from 1., 2., 3. to a dating site?

in a nutshell, poor coping mechanisms.

how are you feeling about it?

[Getoverit]

Thank you for your reply.

What you say makes sense and I've read much about the disorder. It's interesting to read what you wrote about "idealistic views" and the example you have. I asked him many times to please tone down the "you're the most beautiful girl in the world" comments as they sound unoriginal and I didn't particularly like being reminded that he has a specific template he works off of. He says the same compliments, uses the same pet names, takes women to the same places, etc.

I observed this about him when we were just friends and told him to not use those with me. Of course he disregards what I say.

You're right--I invested a lot into this relationship and am struggling with the reality of it.

I'm confused myself why I'm feeling what I do. While I recognized that he was already cheating even when he was professing his love to me, I feel shocked that I am upset.

What exactly am I upset about? I can't figure it out.

I wish I could be happy for him and just let it go. The fact that I'm facing my own dark side scares me. How I wish I acted on my gut feeling and never got involved. I feel like a fool.

[once removed]

I didn't particularly like being reminded that he has a specific template he works off of. He says the same compliments, uses the same pet names, takes women to the same places, etc.

if you think about it, we all take some pet names, some habits, some things we liked about an old relationship into our next one.

i feel ya. its kind of wasted if both parties know it

I observed this about him when we were just friends and told him to not use those with me. Of course he disregards what I say.

from your perspective i suspect it felt like it you werent special, and/or that he was unoriginal, do i have that right? from his perspective, these are things he may like to do/share with partners and bond over. ive got a few movies, shows, things like that i like to watch with every partner. it doesnt necessarily mean one partner is more or less special than another, but that we have particular ways and go tos that we like to bond over.

I'm confused myself why I'm feeling what I do. While I recognized that he was already cheating even when he was professing his love to me, I feel shocked that I am upset.

what happened here? does this have to do with his recent contact?

I feel like a fool.

we will get through this.

[Harley Quinn]

The fact that I'm facing my own dark side scares me.

I believe I know what you are describing here.  It can be scary to tap into facets of ourselves we'd rather not acknowledge.  How would you describe your dark side?  What meaning do you assign to that dark side?  As humans we are meaning making machines.  For example I might think that because I feel sad about something that others are not moved by, that means I am weak.  Or that when I feel deeply angry and resentful that means I am a bad person. 

Love and light x 

[Getoverit]

Thank you again once removed.

I understand what you're saying about the organic nature of relationships. I wasn't asking him to not do everything and anything he ever did with another woman. I was asking him to respect the fact that I'd much rather him get to know me and take interest in what I like instead of being a cliche.

In retrospect, I think the way I felt was a response to what I now understand to be his "love bombing" me. It irked me.

I was doing fine until I found out that he's on dating sites. Not just that he lies to women on those sites even the most insignificant things. You'd think this would make me feel more confident in my decision to end the relationship since the evidence supports all my reasons for labeling him a dishonest sexual predator. All the more reason for me to want nothing to do with him, right?

I am shocked that I feel sorry for him still. I am hurt to be reminded that the entire relationship was fake. I am angry for having felt and seen enough to leave yet didn't. It ended up costing me so much including my health which has been deteriorating rapidly.

Why is it that I come back to the same conclusion? "Maybe if I see him just one last time... ."

What is going on here?

[Getoverit]

Hi HQ, what I mean by dark side is the feeling of not wanting to trust anyone again, even myself because I want to take back all the prayers I made for him, all the love and patience I shared. I am ashamed that I no longer wish him well.I haven't ever felt so cynical and depressed as I do now, and it is painful to feel like I've betrayed myself in letting someone else's negativity influence me to the point where I often wonder if I've become just as toxic.

My therapist says that this is a defense, a way to cope when you are enmeshed in an abusive relationship. In my endeavor to understand him, I ended up offering too much sympathy and consequently became an enabler.

Now he's off with other women while I deal with the pain of having terminated pregnancies, become dependendent on medication, and cannot remember what it's like to not be unhappy.

[once removed]

I was asking him to respect the fact that I'd much rather him get to know me and take interest in what I like instead of being a cliche.

i can certainly appreciate that. it would rub me the wrong way too.

i can also relate to feeling like i couldnt even trust myself. i think that can be even scarier than feeling that you cant trust others, because its as if you have no control.

this can be, in time, an opportunity to build your skills, your resiliency, your mental health, to have the courage and the skills to not only navigate but thrive, in a world full of difficult people. it will take some work, and likely wounds need to be tended to first. but you can get there. it took me a while (even after my relationship) to realize i held the keys, but i also needed to learn how to drive. it is, in a lot of ways, about relearning how to be in a relationship; with ourselves, and others.

I was doing fine until I found out that he's on dating sites. Not just that he lies to women on those sites even the most insignificant things. You'd think this would make me feel more confident in my decision to end the relationship

i would think that it would come as a blow. it was a huge shock when my ex jumped into a relationship even though i saw some signs at the time that it was coming. i can understand feeling like there is something "wrong with you" for not saying " him", i did. it got a lot easier on me and things became more manageable when i just accepted my hurt and my feelings rather than fight them. then i could work through them rather than against them, or shame myself, or whatever.

I am shocked that I feel sorry for him still.

what do you feel sorry for him about?

[Harley Quinn]

I am ashamed that I no longer wish him well.

After realising about the impact another has had on us and the ways we have suffered during the r/s it is OK to not wish that person well.  It is OK to be angry.  It's an important part of recovery.  Remember that you don't feel that way towards everyone.  That would be an entirely different matter.  You are a kind compassionate person.  You are entitled to feel wounded by mistreatment.

I haven't ever felt so cynical and depressed as I do now, and it is painful to feel like I've betrayed myself in letting someone else's negativity influence me to the point where I often wonder if I've become just as toxic.

Do you have support for your depression?  Have you seen a doctor?  

I felt like I betrayed myself too.  I realised that was because I had lost sight of my values and hadn't maintained any healthy boundaries.  Would you say that would apply to you?  Having good boundaries is something that is deserving of focus after exiting an abusive relationship.  I've been working  on defining and maintaining my boundaries which has helped me to regain trust in myself.  I feel better equipped to approach a relationship from a healthier starting point and to make the right choices in the face of behaviour that identifies a risk to myself.  

I'd encourage you to spend some time thinking about what is important to you in a relationship and these relationship values will help you to define your personal boundaries for romantic relationships in time.  Perhaps you'd be happy to share what you come up with as your list of what's important to you?  It helped me a lot during my healing to have a positive forwards focus.  

Love and light x  

[Getoverit]

Hello everyone. Thank you all for your thoughtful responses. Indeed I feel like I lost my sense of healthy boundaries. It felt like he was taking me seriously every time and when I'd mention this he would say that boundaries put limitations on feeling close to someone. How telling! II told him that boundaries are not barriers and that it's important to respect what the other person is comfortable and incomfortable with. Over the years he pushed and pushed me to the edge until it felt like I was falling off a cliff as he shouted "Hey where are you going?" Again, it's all about him.

Ive already talked to his ex--someone he initially portrayed as a terrible person. Then she was the love of his life. Some days she was "so embarrassing I couldn't take her anywhere." Other times she was a really cool person he learned a lot from. He explained that his mistrust in women was a consequence of her cheating on him. He said that they never fought and if I were to ask her she'd say that he's a good man that benefited from the relationship while he suffered. So I did ask her, and she said that he was an abusive partner she had to leave for good for the same reasons we all understand here.

What more validation do I need? Why am I feeling more angry and more depressed than ever? And how can I regain my positive outlook on life?

I have seen many doctors and I've spoken to lawyers. It will be costly to take the legal route. I'm not afraid of him. I want him to be afraid of me. But I've already spent tens of thousands of dollars on him. Shame on me for taking it seriously when he said he lived paycheck by paycheck. And that's the part that hurts me most--I now have to think twice about what I believe.

[gotbushels]

Getoverit   

From what I understand from your previous posts, it looks like you've decided to detach from the relationship and you've proactively taken steps to get there. Well done on sticking to your plan.   

What more validation do I need?

A benefit of seeking a previous partner of your ex is to connect the dots as to what's true and what isn't true. My friend has done this before with two other women at her workplace involving one man who 'exclusively' dated more than one woman at the same time. It seemed both helpful and not helpful them.

The issue (with both BP and non-BP partners), is that you're using what other people know of that partner to get an increased sense of security for yourself. Unfortunately, given that the pattern was dishonesty between you and that ex, then it's more probable that the same pattern was repeated with his previous relationships (relative to other men). I think that's also more true if the person was pwBPD. On some level I think you know this--which would probably contribute to your dissatisfaction at your new level of sureness.

Why am I feeling more angry and more depressed than ever? And how can I regain my positive outlook on life?

I think this is important and links to your previous questions.

I know he is a liar, I know he is a bully, yet I care. What's the matter with me?

What exactly am I upset about? I can't figure it out.

I think this may be a recurring issue for you; following on from Harley Quinn's question, I encourage you here to pursue a discussion with a P. I really don't think you're alone in this. Often on this board people look for closure and a sense of security around that. BPD is a mental illness and it's complex. It's also complex for the SO (including ex's), so I do support the idea of checking in with your own P to get the P's input to guide your post-breakup inventory. Despite me not being the "mental illness holder", I benefited from such consultation. I do think you can certainly find freedom on the other side, and I share that hope with you.

To share more about what this looks like, you'll see that ex-SOs like you sometimes discover where validation comes from for the non, regarding the relationship's issues. Having filled the caretaker role allows us to answer to that--and hopefully bring that forward to become better partners. That makes us better at how to be in a relationship.

May you get more peace.   

[once removed]

I want him to be afraid of me.

whats driving this? to what end do you want him to be afraid of you?

[Getoverit]

Hi once removed... .

I think what I mean by that is I want him to feel what I felt when I was in the relationship. I don't know why I'm feeling this way. He has moved on, and I should be okay with that right? Especially when I did everything to sever ties.

It seems like I'm finally accepting that he was not once truly serious about me. But I knew this, I had all the evidence and experience that reflected this. Yet, I'm confused why I want him to feel anything. Why should I care? What does it matter?

I feel more confused than ever.

[Insom]

Hi, Getoverit.  It sounds like your emotional self is on a different page than you thinking self.  Would it be fair to say that there's something unresolved about the relationship on a primal/emotional level, at the same time you understand and accept the relationship needed to end?

(I can relate with this feeling!)

[Getoverit]

I have no idea what is going on with me. I'm now on some sort of medication 24/7 and I'm feeling a level of anger and frustration that I've never before. I wish I could be like him and just stop caring after finding a replacement. For me, I feel so damaged that I wouldn't dare ask someone to get involved with me. I know everything I need to know yet I'm drowning in my own misery. I wish I could feel like myself again. I wish I could have a positive outlook on life, feel grateful for what I have. It's not even glass half empty. I want to smash the glass into pieces! I've never in my life been so disturbed. Will I ever recover?

[Insom]

I hear you're feeling miserable right now.  You're not alone.  Most of us posting here on Learning have lived through painful BPD breakups. Will you recover?  Yes, having come from a similarly painful place, I can relate with the intensely unhappy feelings you've described.  If I recovered, you can, too.

You're asking great questions.  What do you think about gotbushels' recommendation to connect with a therapist?  It sounds like you've done a good job seeking out help from doctors.  Has emotional support from a therapist been part of that package?

[Harley Quinn]

Is the medication to help with your mood Getoverit?  I take an SSRI and when I first started it took a few days before I felt any effect and a couple of weeks until it seemed to really help.  I'm pleased to see that you are reaching out and seeking support.  Being active in our recovery is important.  You're taking good steps and asking some great questions.  As Insom has shared, I too can confirm that it does get better.  It can feel absolutely awful on the way to better, and that's part of the process.

How do you cope with your intense feelings when they arise?  Are you allowing them to come up?  Trying to push them down?  Acting on them (physical release)?  Distracting yourself? 

Love and light x

[Getoverit]

Hello everyone, once again thank you all for your thoughts and support.

I had a long session with my therapist today and I feel strongly that I should file a report for the rape. Even though it probably won't get anywhere at least they will have record of it.

I tried my best to convince him many times that we don't have to part ways in such a dramatic fashion. That if we just agree that we need to heal separately that we can at least give ourselves hope for a potential reunion. He refused to listen. And I felt I had no choice but to cut off all ties.

When I heard he's speaking ill of me I felt like he continues to go out his way to harm me. If he knows I am hurt, if he gets that I'm "mental" why would you risk exacerbating an already fragile process? It is yet another example of the way he has to put another bulllet in a dead body.

My question is, should I proceed with the charge? It is a lengthy process and I'm worried about many things.

[Harley Quinn]

That's a deeply personal decision, and one I have had to make myself.  Firstly I think it's important to be clear on your reasons for or against.  I can imagine there are lots of pros and cons to this for you.  What is driving you towards this now as opposed to before, and what worries you most?  

Love and light x

[Mutt]

Hi Getoverit,

I agree with Harley Quinn that that is a personal choice it sounds like you made a choice to talk about it with your T that takes courage. Bravo Getoverit

If it were me in your shoes I’d want to know the road agead like you and think of possible situations, roadblocks etc... .I would call a lawyer you can a few get different opions / advice and the first half hour or hour comsultation is free then I would assess the situation and make my decision from that point forward...

Your T can only give you so much advice in the supportive / ethical capacity I think that you should get legal facts / advice now and if you find that you’re getting stressed out talk to your T and talk to us here of course. Get a team behind you, T, L, family / friends, support group

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Getoverit,

I was thinking of you when my local newspaper arrived, as the front page was giving statistics of charges pressed in rape cases and it was very eye opening.  It would be good to know if you have evidence that could support your report of the crime. 

Love and light x