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Author Topic: Mixed feelings about coping with BPD wife, so much does not add up  (Read 855 times)
A Scot abroad

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« on: October 27, 2018, 05:01:29 PM »

 Paragraph header  (click to insert in post) Hi, new here saying hi.

Been married 19 years, with my wife being diagnosed with bipolar 5 years ago.  Our marriage counselor commented that my wife has traits of borderline PD.  In trying to prove him wrong, she went to her longtime therapist and after getting her records had been (evidently unbeknowing) diagnosed as having mixed PD.  Now she tells me no one has ever suggested she has a PD ( I heard the words myself frim the therapist) and that its me that has a PD.  She is in denial, preparing to end our marriage believing I am the source of our issues.

I feel sad, though I know its not my responsibility to rescue her. There are 3 great kids stuck in the middle, going through growing pains.

Appreciate any advice?

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« Reply #1 on: October 27, 2018, 05:18:34 PM »

hi A Scot abroad, and Welcome

im glad you reached out to us, and i hope that youll make yourself at home here, as part of the family.

She is in denial, preparing to end our marriage believing I am the source of our issues.

i wouldnt take it any further. lot of stigma around PDs. there are, however, tools that can hopefully help your circumstances.

what are the issues, as you think she sees them/would describe them?
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« Reply #2 on: October 28, 2018, 02:18:49 AM »

Let me join once removed in welcoming you!  We're sorry for the difficult situation you're in, but are glad you've found us.  How old are your kids?

RC
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A Scot abroad

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« Reply #3 on: March 06, 2019, 07:26:42 PM »

Hey out there,

Im reaching out, in desperation, sadness, and having lived with my wife 20 years a stoicism that comes from experience.  The love bombing is long gone, and now its long periods of black and white thinking, and a great deal of agitation.  Denial is making consistency impossible.

Hope to chat with other like minded folk

Cheers
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A Scot abroad

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« Reply #4 on: March 06, 2019, 07:32:34 PM »

Hi,

Thanks for your support, apologies for not responding sooner.  Im not a natural for online chatting.  My kids are 16, 14, 10.  The 16 yo is cool as a breeze, her 14 year old sis is now struggling, and our little guy is doing well at school now he been taking add meds.

Take care, hope all is well in your world
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« Reply #5 on: March 06, 2019, 09:35:55 PM »

A Scot Abroad,

Greetings. I am a like minded and fellow sufferer of a BPD wife with the same issues. Let's compare our list. Splitting, cognitive dissociation, emotional dysregulation, projection, denial, manipulation, BPD lying, etc. And this is thanks to NPD parents invalidating upbringing. It didn't start off bad, but after years of her parent's insecurity of being exposed and materialism, plus a stressful event, she spiraled downhill with her reasoning.

Mate, her parents filled her head with the most useless, superficial nonsense after treating her like Cinderella, that she has a Stockholm Syndrome issue. She never fights back or questions their actions. Plus the abandonment issues. One could bust wide open with the frustration they cause in our marriage. And they are absolutely childish for elderly people. Totally insecure.

Thanks to reading articles and books, I was able to deal with certain problems. It wasn't until I went to a therapist was when I was able to attach the condition BPD to my wife. My therapist's help was crucial in helping me deal and fight back against the "BPD monster" in my wife.

And the sex... it was great at first, but after her major BPD breakdown, with her family involved because they don't like my intellectual ways, and I can see through them, that gave her the incentive to withheld sex. Which is a form of emotional abuse, but you cant tell a pwBPD about their wrong-doings, that's a sin which is covered up by denial.

I have hit rock bottom before more than once dealing with her problem. I held on to my wedding vows (not greatest incentive), tried not to kill her parents (very hard) , and believed that if I kept fighting for HER that the scales of the cosmos would swing my way. I was always a fighter so giving up was not in my creed. But I did have call a time out.

Stay strong.
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« Reply #6 on: March 06, 2019, 11:49:41 PM »

I'm sorry for your continued troubles, but am glad you've found your way back to us.  I've lived a life trying to raise three kids in a long marriage to a pwBPD without any support, and it's brutal.  You need support, even if reaching out is unfamiliar to you (it was to me; I stayed isolated for many years).  You'll feel a difference if you become a regular visitor here.

Can you give us an update?  In October you said your wife was preparing to end the marriage.  What has happened in the last few months?

RC
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A Scot abroad

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« Reply #7 on: March 07, 2019, 06:19:00 PM »

Hey, it's relieving to know I am not alone...in one sense, then it hits me you will have had these experiences too that Hart describes well, a sobering thought.

Through our marriage I became isolated, away from family, hanging on really confused and in the dark about what I was living through.

In the last 5 years I have become better informed first through a psychiatrist my wife saw after literally staying in bed for 3 months, and later learning about BPD from a marriage therapist we went to, in addition to seeing my wifes case notes from her individual therapist.

I have this dissonance even now, does this person love me since it did (and can, rarely now) feel like love.  Maybe, however the abuse far outweighs the better moments.

The last months have been more of the same, we tried another marriage counselor that my wife stopped seeing after 4 sessions.  He told her she has to decide stay married or get divorced, one or the other.  However the threats of divorce if shes staying have to stop.  She never went back, she was basically only interested in manipulation not truly trying to reconcile. 

I cant leave my kids with an unstable person, however its tearing me up as I want healthy relationships.

Tic toc, the kids get older I try and maintain my balance, however it requires the patience of a saint at times which Im not even close

Thanks for sharing, hope we keep in touch

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« Reply #8 on: March 07, 2019, 08:09:40 PM »

A Scot Abroad,

We should feel some kind of satisfaction. We have the battle scars that many people could not stand up to. And yes the children in the middle is an extra call to our bravery and strength. We have to stand for them. I know that we shouldn't have sacrifice our love and happiness just to get hours without an outburst, but I try to look at it as little steps, a means to an end.  Knowing the tactics that a pwBPD uses does help us get an edge. And we get better each time. However we need some kind of love back as a sign of confirmation that we're doing the right thing. The children can provide some of the love back, but be aware that it can cause the BPD spouse to get jealous. I usually did and still share my emotions through laughter and private interactions such as hugs.

Yet we really want it from our spouse. At least yours went to therapy. And I know that mine would mostly stop once the talks got directed towards her... issues. Denial, denial, projection anger and then ultimatium threats to leave. That's because she has a manipulative, low esteem, NPD family that will shield and enable the problem.

Yes, the more we all talk, the more we can help each other. A backbone to support us from the shaky trama of BPD mentality.

Stay strong.

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« Reply #9 on: March 08, 2019, 12:14:25 AM »

The therapist was wise to point out that your wife shouldn't continue to do the same unproductive things over and over, like threatening to divorce but not following through.  In long relationships like this, inevitably we will find that we are also doing unproductive things over and over.  Believe me, I'm guilty of that, and look back at years of hoping things would get better while I didn't do anything different besides try harder at the same things that only half worked.  

You talked about abuse.  What are the most painful things that are happening day-to-day?

RC
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A Scot abroad

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« Reply #10 on: March 08, 2019, 06:17:37 AM »

Hey RC,

I chuckled reading your wise words, change only comes about by doing things differently, and that requires effort to learn a different way. 

A really big challenge day to day is weathering my wifes efforts at daily living.  I have taken steps to protect the family finances, as best I can in a fair manner.  My wife has been used to not working, spending my paycheck on junk food and junk products that come and go leaving our finances a mess.  Now she is being held accountable, and is outraged at the thought of working part time.  This is causing her to be stressed and this comes out as a relentless anger and agitation towards me.  She got physical 2 years ago, punched me and blocked me so I could not pass the hallway as I was getting my kids ready for track and soccer.  I called the cops, she went to jail as its mandatory in SC when an assault takes place.  This has created a boundary where she will not get physical, however its simmering away.

I know rationally this is no way to live, and I should leave however I'm mot seeing the path with 3 kids involved that need me.

Appreciate your support, have a good day
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« Reply #11 on: March 08, 2019, 12:21:23 PM »

hi A Scot abroad,

i would encourage you to get a bit more regular here.

its good to know youre not alone, but there is so much more that you can accomplish here. you can learn tools that can in cases diffuse conflict, and create a healthier environment in your marriage overall. you can get real, live support for the conflict that arises, advice and feedback that will stick with you, that you can apply in all sorts of ways in future conflict.

things didnt get this way over night. it will take a lot of effort to not just repair your marriage, but for it to thrive. i encourage you to commit to that change as a lifestyle approach, if you want to rebuild. otherwise, things are likely to deteriorate.

Now she is being held accountable, and is outraged at the thought of working part time.  This is causing her to be stressed and this comes out as a relentless anger and agitation towards me. 

in what ways is she being held accountable, and in what ways is her not being physical starting to simmer away?
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A Scot abroad

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« Reply #12 on: March 09, 2019, 08:06:30 PM »

Hey once removed,

Appreciate the support.  I have been reading material available on the site, it does help to some degree.  I can intellectually get it, then I have an overly emotional agitated person in my face being verbally abusive and it can be challenging to keep perspective.  How I react lets me know how far I have come, and how far I have to go. 

When I mention accountability, I have cut access to my banking, and given VS43 an 1/2 my paycheck after I have paid all of our bills.  This is allowing me to get the family finances headed in the right direction, however VS43 is furious in her entitled way, and lashing out at me verbally as she can no longer vent her relief valve by impulsive spending.  Her body cues, contorted face and imposing posture indicate she is barely containing the rage, and impulse to get physical. 

Our problems have escalated significantly since making this financial change, and its a recurring theme that VS43 is obsessively fixated on.  This 'contract' of me working to hand over my paycheck, and VS43 staying home and spending it is a condition of love for VS43 and without it, she is viewing me in a black and white way as a bad guy.  This manifests in many ways to make life difficult.  In a healthy relationship we would put finances in perspective, work to resolve them while maintaining a deeper connection.

Thanks for listening, and providing valuable feedback
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« Reply #13 on: March 09, 2019, 09:24:04 PM »

Excerpt
Her body cues, contorted face and imposing posture indicate she is barely containing the rage, and impulse to get physical. 

Whoa!... I surely remember this myslef,

Like watching a pot about to boil over... all the while thinking, “where did that come from so fast?”...

Red5
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« Reply #14 on: March 11, 2019, 12:54:48 AM »

You're in a tough situation.  The steps you've taken to protect the finances undoubtedly feel controlling to her.  I'm not saying that you shouldn't do it, but if it's happening along with a pattern of you withdrawing to protect yourself (which I would certainly understand), she's likely to feel abandoned and even more upset.

The most progress can be made in calm times.  Have you been able to find a calm time to talk with her about finances, to try to work out a budget that you can agree on together? 

Are there positive moments in your relationship with her?  Are you able to validate and support her sometimes, in a way that she responds well to?

RC
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A Scot abroad

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« Reply #15 on: March 19, 2019, 04:00:30 AM »

Hey RC,

The steps I have taken with the finances, have really set my wife off.  To the point that, if I reversed that decision I would likely be back to love bombing.  For our family its a decision I needed to make, still shocked at the fallout. 

My wife is so emotionally 'strong' that conversations generally get heated quick even when started from a calm place, and finances are a trigger so its exacerbated. She does not let me finish sentences, talks over me, invalidates my feelings, and says hurtful things.

After repeatedly stating she was done with the relationship I moved into another room.  Things have went downhill.  There is a lot of gaslighting, accusations, making it frankly hard to want to validate and support as I am dealing with provocative hostile behaviour.

Feels hopeless at this point, my spouse is claiming I have diagnoses for various personality disorders I have not been diagnosed with, while ironically being outraged about being diagnosed herself saying at various different times that Im lying, that she is better now all thr while in denial.

Feels like an abusive relationship, its better for me to protect myself and keep my distanxe.

Cheers
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« Reply #16 on: March 19, 2019, 09:07:03 PM »

Take a look at this link on relationship breakdowns.  What stage would you say your relationship is in?

RC
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« Reply #17 on: March 20, 2019, 06:08:05 AM »

Hey RC,

Thanks for the article link, for sure I connected with it. 

We are at stage 4, and on the face of it,  differences in our values regards the finances has been pivotal in getting us there.  I thought we had a lot more than the shaky foundations as it has turned out to be.

Cheers
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« Reply #18 on: March 21, 2019, 12:09:05 AM »

Great that you read the article.  Yes, I agree, it seems like you're at Stage 4 and are stonewalling.  If you stay this withdrawn, things are doomed.  I totally get why you are where you are; I ended up there, too.

She most likely doesn't have the skills to turn things around.  I'm betting you do.  What do you think about a paradigm shift, letting her nastiness slide off your back, and reflecting love and empathy back to her?  Engage her instead of shutting down?

RC
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« Reply #19 on: March 21, 2019, 01:02:12 PM »

Wow well that blew my mind, if only I could download Gandhi or Buddha into my brain for the paradigm shift.  I fear I don't have the strength, or after 20 years the will.  It feels like a bombardment, and I have shellshock.

If you dont mind me asking, were you able to turn it around? It feels like righting the course of the titanic.

The fundamental question at this point for me is why would I want to continue to accept such abuse with so little in return, with a spouse that has no intention of getting help.

Cheers,

G
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« Reply #20 on: March 21, 2019, 10:26:03 PM »

Differences in values regarding finances is a common issue in couples - regardless of whether one partner has a PD or mental illness. It's how we navigate the differences and allow for each person to express their own values within reason.

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« Reply #21 on: March 22, 2019, 12:13:41 AM »

If you dont mind me asking, were you able to turn it around? It feels like righting the course of the titanic.

Fair question.  Unfortunately, my wife had become violent on a fairly regular basis, and I eventually got a restraining order.  I worked hard for about 10 months before the restraining order and about 10 months after to save things, but to no avail.  I was so traumatized that I was not always effective, and had to go through several paradigm shifts, each one taking a few months.

It's very important to remember that each case is unique.  You've reached out for help at an earlier stage than I did.  Yes, you're understandably exhausted with it all, but putting boundaries in place to protect yourself can help with that.  The one thing I'll say for certain is to advise that you not just spin your wheels doing the same thing over and over.  If you're still married, keep working the problems -- don't succumb to helplessness.

RC
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A Scot abroad

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« Reply #22 on: March 22, 2019, 07:46:23 AM »

Hey RC,

Thanks for the encouraging words and sharing.

My spouse has agreed to go back to couples counseling next Friday.

She informed me last night she is in a bipolar episode, the pdoc has upped her antidepressant and mood stabilizer.

Cheers,


G
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« Reply #23 on: March 22, 2019, 03:33:40 PM »

My spouse has agreed to go back to couples counseling next Friday.

thats promising. one of the most important things in couples counseling is to do a lot of listening. avoid letting it become a battle of the wills.

She informed me last night she is in a bipolar episode, the pdoc has upped her antidepressant and mood stabilizer.

that cant have made things easy recently.
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A Scot abroad

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« Reply #24 on: March 23, 2019, 01:07:16 PM »

Hey wise words ill keep in mind for next Fridays couples counseling session, LISTEN

Its my wifes b-day today, the kids and I are doing our best to make it special.

Wish you a good weekend

G
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« Reply #25 on: March 24, 2019, 08:17:37 PM »

Thanks for the updates.  How did her birthday go?  Glad to hear that she's willing to go to couples' counseling, and that her meds are being adjusted.  Medications can be a big help in certain situations. 

RC
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