What's Stopping You?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Were you a Lurker before jumping in and making your first post?
Are you a Shy Member?
Are you a Lurker now?    (We know you're out there  )

Every voice matters. We want to encourage more participation in the discussion.  The more voices, opinions, points of view, experiences, communications styles we have, the richer the experience is for everyone.

We are interested in your feedback.  We hope to create an environment that encourages everyone to participate. Current Lurkers, Past Lurkers, and Shy Members we hope you will briefly climb out of your "Lurking Fort" and answer a few questions, to assist us help more of you feel comfortable enough to join us on the boards.

1)Were you or are you reluctant to make your first post?

2)Are there topics or subjects not discussed that you would like to see be explored?

3)Are there things you would like to see less of?

[Panda39]

Were you a Lurker before jumping in and making your first post?
Are you a Shy Member?
Are you a Lurker now?    (We know you're out there  )

Every voice matters. We want to encourage more participation in the discussion.  The more voices, opinions, points of view, experiences, communications styles we have, the richer the experience is for everyone.

We are interested in your feedback.  We hope to create an environment that encourages everyone to participate. Current Lurkers, Past Lurkers, and Shy Members we hope you will briefly climb out of your "Lurking Fort" and answer a few questions, to assist us help more of you feel comfortable enough to join us on the boards.

1)Were you or are you reluctant to make your first post?

2)Are there topics or subjects not discussed that you would like to see be explored?

3)Are there things you would like to see less of?

[isilme]

I'm not one who's been hesitant to post, but I wills ay sometimes I find the act of even typing out my thoughts can be overwhelming and I shut down - it's not the "right" time for my brain yet.

On the other hand, when I can get the words out, I find it helps immensely.  And the validation that comes from others has helps Wow so much with trying to believe I am not crazy, or that the events of my abuse and neglect were not the fault of little me.  I struggle with self worth and accepting kindness, but it's still good to post here and get feedback. 

I encourage anyone NOT posting to give it a try - no one's input is "wrong". 

[Turkish]

55 reads... .Bueler? 

1). I started on the romantic relationship boards,  but after maybe a year started reading.  I wasn't sure if I belonged given my mother wasn't Mommie Dearest, and we've seen some of those stories here,  sadly.  I did,  however,  have an unconventional childhood,  and I was sure that my FOO was a major factor in choosing a partner who had similar emotional issues.  So I jumped in. 

2). I'd like to see more people talk about fathers with BPD traits. I never had a father,  though my mother told me that one of her therapists suggested that her father might have been BPD.  He died 15 years before I was born, 17 years before my mother adopted me.  Given the fairly even mix of men and women with BPD traits on the r/s boards, it's always struck me as a hole here on this board.  Also that there aren't more men here.  C'mon guys,  I know you're out there 

3). Nothing really.  To go back to #2, I like to think nothing is off limited to talk about here. If you have something you need to get off your chest,  post it. We all benefit from hashing out our feelings here rather than suffering in silence... .something I did for many years.  It took me posting here to realize that I had a platform and safe place to talk,  and this is here.

[Panda39]

I appreciate that sometimes it's hard to get the words out because it's too much and overwhelming, you are likely not alone.

What do you do to get through that kind overwhelmed feeling? What gets shutdown isilme up and running again?

It's interesting that you bring up your own kind of writer's block.  I can relate to that too. My writer's block comes from a different place, from the desire to post but I find sometimes I don't have the right words to communicate the feelings I want to convey or I want to talk about too many things.  I can start writing something and fiddle with it and end up giving up sometimes.  

I also take a long time to write things... .Some of it is about being clear, some of it is being conscious of my tone because I can be pretty direct sometimes so don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, and then there is the inner critic that can also cause me some trouble... .comparing myself to others   Yep, still carrying some baggage  

On the other hand, when I can get the words out, I find it helps immensely.  And the validation that comes from others has helps Wow so much with trying to believe I am not crazy, or that the events of my abuse and neglect were not the fault of little me.  I struggle with self worth and accepting kindness, but it's still good to post here and get feedback.

I encourage anyone NOT posting to give it a try - no one's input is "wrong".

I love this and couldn't agree more!  

I find participation meaningful as well. I'm here because of SO has an uBPDxw and this site has been incredibly helpful in terms of learning practical tools that have improved things in my world immensely, but it also helped me overcome the toxic anger I has towards my SO's uBPDxw that I had when I arrived here.  

I stay because there is so much to learn that translates into all relationships, I find much of what we talk about I relate to personally... .self-esteem issues, co-dependence, relationships etc. I also stay because I enjoy the other members here and have made some friendships that I value.

I like helping others learn what I've learned... .paying it forward. 

What it comes down to for me is I find this is a place where people are "real", are kind, are smart, thoughtful, vulnerable, funny, helpful, caring... .not superficial, or fake and that is really refreshing in a world that rushes by.

I join islime and invite anyone not posting to join us in the conversation, this is a safe place to do so.  

Panda39

[Panda39]

Hi Turkish,

I relate to starting out on one board and migrating to others.  I arrived on the co-parenting board and had some wonderful members greet me there.  They were just like me, other women in relationships with men who had BPD ex-wives and all the chaos that entails.  Talk about a niche group and what a blessing it was to find them.  We shared our tales of trying to co-parent with an uncooperative ex, of issues with the kids, picking the kids up after mom let them down and even struggles with the men in our lives.

It was awesome to find this group of step-moms, they really talked me down of the proverbial ledge when I first arrived here.

I migrated to the Legal Board because of my SO's experiences I was able to share there. I'm not a great strategist but I could share my SO's experiences and what worked for him.I didn't need to be a strategist there are others with that skill, I do what I do, I'm a relator.  I relate to you through our shared experience.

Then I found my way here in an effort to get an understanding of what my SO's daughters might be experiencing with their mom.  Everyone here has given me insight into where the girls might have trouble, you all have kept me from making blunders that might have hurt the girls.  I am grateful to everyone that shares on this and all the boards.

We all have our individual voice and our individual skills that we bring to the conversation.  The Panda way is relating and sharing the site's tools.  Other members are strategists, or empaths, or teachers, or communicators, or cheerleaders, or managers, or articulate, or problem solvers and even comic relief.  Everyone has their own way of being on these boards. No matter how we do it we are all here for the same reason to give and receive help. 

Those of you not posting we know you have a lot to offer the group... .we want to know you. Show us your style. 
 
Panda39

[JNChell]

 Panda39. I like this post. It really has me thinking about where I was with myself when I arrived here, and where I am now. This community has been a game changer for me and my gradual process of healing.

I was a lurker before finding the courage to post. I was sniffing around here and reading for roughly 2 months before I finally made my first post. I had been doing a ton of reading the research that is on the net. I had briefly been a part of a forum that wasn’t helpful in moving forward. After finding bpdfamily, I began to realize that it was a true and valid resource that had the potential of making a real impact. I’m glad that I trusted my gut.

I was in tatters when I arrived here. Emotionally shredded and nearly done. I was very afraid of making my first post, but I was welcomed with warmth and an understanding that I couldn’t find in my day to day life. The members here really do get it.

1)Were you or are you reluctant to make your first post?

I was very reluctant to make my first post. I was full of self doubt and afraid of judgment. I finally realized that I couldn’t reside there anymore so I took some deep breaths and began to type. It was tearful, but liberating. I was met where I was with myself in a way that I didn’t know existed. I was met by people that truly get it.

2)Are there topics or subjects not discussed that you would like to see be explored?

This community and it’s members pretty much cover it. We can’t and don’t diagnose or try to give professional opinions here, but the content that is available here speaks for itself.  The dots are easily connected here by the similarities in our stories.

3)Are there things you would like to see less of?

Not at all. I would like to see more folks that feel like they are suffering find their voice here. I, like so many here, can recall how lonely it feels to not be heard. Unless a person has been through this stuff, they simply can’t understand. The people here do.

[Libra]

Hi Panda,

Part-time lurker here.  
What stops me from posting more often?
It’s a combination of things.

My writer's block comes from a different place, from the desire to post but I find sometimes I don't have the right words to communicate the feelings I want to convey or I want to talk about too many things.  I can start writing something and fiddle with it and end up giving up sometimes.  
I also take a long time to write things... .Some of it is about being clear, some of it is being conscious of my tone because I can be pretty direct sometimes so don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, and then there is the inner critic that can also cause me some trouble... .comparing myself to others

I can relate to that a lot:

• Wanting to talk about too many things (most of my posts still lack structue or focus).
• I also take a vey long time to write things, process it, re-read.
• Time issues: I can easily spend a whole evening reading, thinking and writing on the board. It helps me proces and heal, but the daily chores keep piling up this way, and that then stresses me out.
• If I write something, I also want to be able to follow it up properly. I appreciate every single reply, and I want to reflect that in my responses.

But let me assure you that your posts are very clear, helpful, positive and caring!  
Reading that you take a long time in writing, choosing the right words, etc only makes me appreciate your posts even more. Thank you for spending so much time on these boards helping and supporting others. That, by the way, counts for a lot of members here!  

Other than that, there are emotional reasons:

• I often still feel that my problems are too insignificant to post about and that I am, or my experiences are, too insignificant to reply to other posts. (this is wrong, I know that somewhere, I’m not trying to collect hugs or ‘Yes you ares’ here, just being honest.)
• I can often relate to other posts and feel like reaching out, but I lack the words to express these feelings in a positive and supportive way.
• Replying to posts can unearth new things for me, that pull me into a sadness or rawness I then have to work through. This is great for moving forward and healing, but I know I may need some time and space afterwards, and those are two precious, scarce goods in my life at the moment.

Posting here is so rewarding though. It makes me feel ‘normal’. It is validating. I feel supported. It helps me to perceive things in new ways, from different angles. I learn about tools and thinking processes. It helps me feel less alone in my emotional struggles concerning my childhood.

Thank you, bpdfamily  

Libra.

[Panda39]

JNChell,

I just want to say that I'm glad you decided to jump in that day, that first post can be tough, I had never posted on a site like this ever before and I like you wondered what the people would be like towards me.

You were "emotionally shredded" and I was angry... .toxic angry.  I like what you said about being met where you were, I was as well. I received really good advice, empathy, and support... .I was talked off the ledge so to speak and from there I was able to roam the site and learn. Now I pay it forward just like you are, there is satisfaction in that, in bringing it full circle.

From reading the posts of others I was able to get a picture of what my SO and his daughters likely had to negotiate in terms of his uBPDxw.  I also got help defining my role in this new blended family and I got help with specific situations as they came up. 

I joined about 4.5 years ago and still remember that NorthernGirl another stepmom was the first to greet me, that Matt gave me the advice to stop focusing on my SO's ex and focus on the kids (some of the best advice ever and I still live by that), and then there was the letter to my SO's older daughter when her mother failed to pay for college that LivenLearned and Skip helped me with.  I thought I did a great job, that I was sensitive, and I didn't badmouth her mom.  Lnl and Skip showed me that the letter was really all about me and not my SO's daughter at all, they were soo good at nudging me to see what I'm sure they saw all along. It took 3 days to get to the right 2 sentences in the prefect greeting card.   

I'm so glad you hear that you feel heard and understood   Me too!  When we're here we can really think, focus, and share with people that have been there... .are there... .too.

Those of you out there reading along, we get you, we are you in many ways, we hope you will take the plunge, jump in and make your first post!

Panda39

[Panda39]

Libra

You relate to much of where I struggle and I can relate to much of where you struggle too.  For example it has taken me nearly a week to come back around to this thread because I wanted to be really present to respond... .not on my lunch break at work.   

Yes, my house is a little messier and sometimes I run a little late for work in the morning because I need to finish a post I started while eating breakfast (multitasking!). Being here like anything else is about balance.  We all have lives, families, jobs and obligations and we have our time/friends here, it's about prioritizing. 

I relate to not responding to someone when I can't be positive or constructive, sometimes we get triggered or overwhelmed or tired etc... .and we just aren't the right person to respond and that's okay.  That's whats so great about everyone here all the different experiences, different amounts of time spent on the journey, different levels of BPD education, different BPD relationships, different temperaments, personalities and communication skills.  That's why every member is so important because I might not be the right person for something but you might just be the perfect fit.

The Libra journey, is yours to take at your own pace, it will meander here and there and sometimes you'll need to rest and take a break, sometimes there will be a u-turn, or a fork in the road, sometimes you will join others on the same road... .when you are here we join you, Libra and her menagerie of animal friends... .Pandas, Beagles, Parrots, Wolves and Llamas.   

I appreciate you and love that you have added your voice to the members here! I encourage you to do it your way however that looks... .there are no expectations and there is no  guilt if you choose to do other things or need a break. 

Posting here is so rewarding though. It makes me feel ‘normal’. It is validating. I feel supported. It helps me to perceive things in new ways, from different angles. I learn about tools and thinking processes. It helps me feel less alone in my emotional struggles concerning my childhood.

I'm so glad you feel this way and you know what?  You help other members feel the very same!

Lurkers... .what's your spirit animal, zodiac sign, special screen name?  Show us who you are! Join us!

Panda39

[Panshekay]

Hi Panda39,
Hard to believe I was a lurker for more than a year. Being older I had a hard time figuring out “how” to post. You would never know it now. This site changed my life, it saved my life. Our S and I had so much anxiety about what was going on we didn’t know where to turn. I would spend hours and hours every night searching for answers, then I found BPD Family. Everyone was so kind, I think I just rambled on and in, I had so much to say it’s like the flood gates just opened. I do a lot of reading and studying, I have gotten more help on this site, AND validation than I could ever have imagined. The best was that we weren’t crazy.

I used to do the same thing, type and then not be happy with how I would come across but I finally came to the conclusion that we are all in this same hellish boat, but just in different stages and that is ok. We are here to support one another and pay it forward.

[Panda39]

Hi Panshekay 

I was not sure about the technical aspects of posting either, for me it just took time and trial and error.  Occasionally, I would delete my own post before I got it out there    That made for one frustrated Panda! But the good news is once something is posted you can't mess it up so you can look around without fear of making anyone else's posts or the sites information disappearing.

I wish I had this link/information particularly the visuals to help... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=319252.0

I'm so happy to hear how helpful the site has been to you and your son.  I agree the validation is huge, to know that your not crazy, that you are seeing what you are seeing when no one else seems to be, in my case I was validated about my anger.  Yes, others could relate to my anger but they helped me see that my anger wasn't constructive and helped me work through the anger and on to things that would actually help the situation.

I think that everyone being at different stages of learning is one of the strengths and part of the validation here.  There is always someone where you are that gets you in that moment because they are in the exact same spot.  But what's even better are the people that are ahead of you on the journey that can help you move forward.

Those of you learning and reading along, I hope you will join us meet others that are in the same place, learn from those ahead of you on the journey, and help pay it forward to others.  Not only is this a great place for help, I have found that I've made some great friends here too.  Come be part of the group! 

Panda39