My ex knows it all now... I love him

[hopefulbutlost17]

I just got an angry message from him, he is upset to be ignored by everyone and by the band as well and he is tired of people walking over him, saying he doesn't need anyone, no friends, no family and that I should never talk to him again... .
Blocked me... .

I see he's being in a lot of pain and that I can't do anything to make this better right now... .
I would love to just tell him he can reach out if he ever changes his mind... .But can't think of another way to reach him and think it would be disrespecting his space when he asked for it so clearly... .
Apart from sending letters or mails I don't see a way to make contact in the future, but yeah at the same time I see I shouldn't even try as he doesn't wish for my company at the moment... .

I'm heartbroken

Hi FIL,
I can only suggest something from my own personal experience in a recent "blocking" from my ex.  When I got blocked and realized why I reacted a certain way in a fight we had, I wanted to contact her so badly to where it gave me anxiety.  But I knew at that point, I had to give her space.  It killed me to do so because i had so much to tell her and wanted to start 'fixing' things right away when I discovered the tools on here but the first and only thing that stayed in my mind was to let her have her space and come back to baseline on her own.

As badly as you want to contact him, I think giving space as he is clearly asking for (that you are aware of ) is the best solution. I don't feel it is the fact that he doesn't want your company, I thought about it that way too with my ex, but more of he's just dealing with his feelings the best way he knows how.  I may be off but I have experienced this type of situation before and recently, too. Same verbiage was used by my ex as well (I hate you, I don't need you, I'm fine by myself, you make my life hell, etc).

I began to post and read on here to help me understand my ex more and to pass the time.  I began to do things for myself (distractions and outlets for my anxiety/eagerness to fix things).  I began to 'fix' myself.

Just a suggestion, hopefully it helps.

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[once removed]

but don't think I'm the right person to give advice as I'm here, not knowing what to do with my own situation.

on the contrary, we can build up our understanding and skills by being involved in the threads of others, and we can start applying it better to our own situation. thats one reason i do it. keeps me sharp, and in problem solving mode.

i like what beneck and hopefulbutlost17 are saying here about space and self focus. what are your thoughts FIL?

[FaithfulInLove]

Thank you... .
I really feel this is not about me but about how he is feeling... seems like he feels like shutting EVERYONE out because he got so hurt and me calling his behaviour disrespectful on such a day - which I was not aware of - has been too much, I see... .

I'm blocked anyway, but left a little loving note for him on my profile, saying I see he is in pain, that I hear him but he can come to me when he changes his mind... .
I'm respecting his space/ will not annoy him further by messaging him directly, but if he ever starts missing me and eventually finds this, he'll see that I didn't mean to let him down and I care.

Hopefully then he won't be scared to come back, cause I think after lashing out like this, the day might come when he will have regrets about being so hard to someone who clearly didn't mean any harm.

I'll discuss the whole thing with my therapist today.

Thank you for being there... .

[FaithfulInLove]

I have news... .

He contacted me again today to lash out and tell me I never cared about him... .

I validated his feelings as much as I could, apologised for past mistakes and made my own Point of view clear... .that actually I really care and that I wouldn't wanna come and see him if I didn't... .

I told him I'd miss him a lot if he left, but it's him who has to know what's best for him... .and even though he admitted that we did have a great time together his answer was that he just doesn't know... .
I told him he could take his time and go enjoy himself but also made clear that it hurt me when he pushed me away like this... .
He is giving me silence again right now... .

I am scared he decides that he doesn't want me in his life... but hey... .what else can I do apart from waiting and hoping? If he sais no today, maybe he'll change his mind in a week... .

[hopefulbutlost17]

I have news... .

He contacted me again today to lash out and tell me I never cared about him... .

I validated his feelings as much as I could, apologised for past mistakes and made my own Point of view clear... .that actually I really care and that I wouldn't wanna come and see him if I didn't... .

I told him I'd miss him a lot if he left, but it's him who has to know what's best for him... .and even though he admitted that we did have a great time together his answer was that he just doesn't know... .
I told him he could take his time and go enjoy himself but also made clear that it hurt me when he pushed me away like this... .
He is giving me silence again right now... .

I am scared he decides that he doesn't want me in his life... but hey... .what else can I do apart from waiting and hoping? If he sais no today, maybe he'll change his mind in a week... .

With my personal experience, my ex did the exact same thing a month ago.  I actually posted the situation when it happened.  Long story short, she called me in the middle of the night to tell me to leave her alone, she wants nothing to do with me,  she would rather shoot herself than talk to me, etc.  Couple of days later, same thing.  Then a day later, she was back to baseline and now we have been talking every single day.  My ex doesn't know what she wants either.  Every time I ask her something, her answer is "I don't know" so I change the subject.  She has several outside stressors (school, family health issues, personal drama).  We can't always think we are their main stressor even though it absolutely feels like we are.  Something I have learned reading other threads. 

When my ex pushes me away and she is back to baseline, I remind her that I am not here to hurt her and that I am different from others that have crossed her path and that she should not push me away.  I've picked up on her patterns and know when to back off and let her be and when to push.  I would suggest to keep yourself distracted for the time being.  Try to get your mind off of the situation at hand and take care of yourself.  Do something fun or something where you can release.  It's difficult to have fun when you are worried about someone you love and care for but I believe Once Removed advised me on this: we can't fix every problem they have; sometimes they need to go through this alone. 

I can only speak from personal experience: my ex is constantly changing her mind.  One day she will want me to go to hell, the next day she will want to spend the entire day with me or will find a way to see me.

[FaithfulInLove]

Hey hopefulbutlost... .I have experienced similar things as well, but it doesn't get easier, I'm always scared that this will be the last time hearing from him... .It's my biggest fear.

It hurts me hearing that he thinks I don't care... I'm not sure if I made things worse or better by what I said to him yesterday. My messages were quite invested. Everyone would've seen how much I really care, but you know what it's like with BPD - he does not trust.

He is having a busy week ahead with many big and fun events. Maybe things will get better when his life gets calmer again... I can't tell I am just hoping.
Thank you for your feedback.

It is so difficult for me to believe that leaving someone alone when they blame you that you don't care anyway could help, but my own experience tells me that he comes back around after he has calmed down a bit and that begging and screaming I WANNA BE HERE FOR YOU I CARE SO MUCH, PLEASE DON'T PUSH ME AWAY doesn't make anything better.
That's one point of BPD I think I will never fully understand because it just doesn't make any sense. When I think someone doesn't care about me, I don't want them to back off but to show me they do... .and if they don't I rather stop caring about them than coming back, acting as if everything was okay again... .

My instinct tells me to reach out in every free minute and tell him he matters. My BPD knowledge tells me to shut up and leave him much space. And that's what I'm doing since yesterday. He shall go and enjoy his week. I hope things will get better... .

Thank you all for giving me a place to talk about this pain and craziness.

[Harri]

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