Mistress of Illusion

[Depression = 72% of members]

During a a get together with friends and family, I observed my  BPD mother in a social setting. It's pretty amazing. She transforms into a different person and when she is charming, she is a master.

I don't mind- I think it is good that she has friends who think she is wonderful and care about her but the contrast to how she is with others and how she is with her immediate family is striking. It's also fake. She tells stories about herself - and some details happened but the stories are not true. She tells them so well- they are believable.

I can see now why her kids were so confused when we were growing up and why nobody would believe us if we said anything that was going on behind closed doors. I also understand why it was hurtful to see our mother be so wonderful to other people and wonder why she wasn't that way around us, but it is now clear that is is all a fake illusion- but she is good at it. I can also see how my father was smitten with her- this part of her. As her "black child" I didn't see much of it which is probably good in the long run as I don't relate to it.

I rarely see her in a social setting. Naturally, I keep my mouth shut. Mostly I talk to a friend while she speaks to someone else, but when I catch a bit of what she is saying, I am just amazed at how she can spin a lie with no conscience. I don't have that skill ( not sure I want it )

I'm sure others can relate.

[Notwendy]

During a a get together with friends and family, I observed my  BPD mother in a social setting. It's pretty amazing. She transforms into a different person and when she is charming, she is a master.

I don't mind- I think it is good that she has friends who think she is wonderful and care about her but the contrast to how she is with others and how she is with her immediate family is striking. It's also fake. She tells stories about herself - and some details happened but the stories are not true. She tells them so well- they are believable.

I can see now why her kids were so confused when we were growing up and why nobody would believe us if we said anything that was going on behind closed doors. I also understand why it was hurtful to see our mother be so wonderful to other people and wonder why she wasn't that way around us, but it is now clear that is is all a fake illusion- but she is good at it. I can also see how my father was smitten with her- this part of her. As her "black child" I didn't see much of it which is probably good in the long run as I don't relate to it.

I rarely see her in a social setting. Naturally, I keep my mouth shut. Mostly I talk to a friend while she speaks to someone else, but when I catch a bit of what she is saying, I am just amazed at how she can spin a lie with no conscience. I don't have that skill ( not sure I want it )

I'm sure others can relate.

[Harri]

Hi Notwendy. 

Yes, I can relate.  Looking back I can remember times when my mom pulled herself together very well.  I used to think of her as 'high functioning' when I first started learning about BPD because of those times, not realizing it was all part of the disorder.  Regardless it can be startling to see. 

It is the times when she was so together and funny that kept me tied to her... .hoping for the fun, happy together mom when things were so good for the most part.  Now when I look back I can see those really good times only seemed so good because the bad was so bad but the relief and happiness I felt to have her be happy.  Those moments when i could relax for a little bit.  Company was scarce in my house growing up but when we had it it was more like a party. 

The intermittent reinforcement... .seeing that hope that she would be okay was a pretty strong pull.  My mom alternated splitting my brother and I black and white, but I was mostly black.  I can see how it affected us.  part of me still feel a bit of self directed disgust when I think or how much I fawned over her when she was happy.  Ugh.  Working on it.

Thanks for posting this and for getting me thinking and seeing yet more shame in me that is not something I should hold on to any longer.

I don't think my mom was quite the master like yours is though.  Looking back now, I think others knew she was off, but I couldn't see it then.  I would imagine the wonder is stronger when seeing your mom like that. 

 

[Mickey47]

To NotWendy and Harri

WOW! That’s exactly how my son’s wife is and boy did she reel him in, because he said he loved it that he found someone so interested in the same things he was. He even said it was intoxicating which at first I was happy for him and then I started to notice certain things and hear certain things from other family members. They were very concerned for my sons well being. When we were in the custody battle the first thing I noticed was her not coming to court with us to support my son. I thought that was very odd behavior, because what little time she did spend in front of me. She always talked about how what a good mother she’d be to my grand daughter and all kinds of stuff. Then BOOM he lost the custody battle, but did get his visitation rights.

She became a totally different person and that’s when all the BS about always being sick got brought up when it was time for his weekends. I just don’t understand that! But man reading both of y’all talking about how wonderful and charming your mom was WOW his wife was just like that at their wedding. Hugging everyone EXCEPT his sister and being so sweet to everyone except his sister. My daughter did get to hug her brother before his bride arrived to the wedding. My son and daughter hugged each other tight and his sister congratulated him and said I love you and he said love you kid. He showed her affection for the first time in a very very long time. But during the reception my daughter went to leave so she went up to their table to congratulate the both of them and hug her new sister in law. I was watching from my table which was right in front of theirs. I saw everything my daughter came up to her new sister in law all smiles and tapped her on the shoulder. She turned saw it was his sister and turned her back on her. My daughter being the gracious person she is said she was so happy for them congratulated them. She hugged her sister in laws shoulders from the back. Her brother wouldn’t even look at her, because his wife was looking at him and he just waved his sister goodbye. It was like she stared at him to say don’t you dare look at her. Is this normal with BPD? Have you ever witnessed something like this? By the way my daughter is 16 yrs old. His wife is 23 yrs old.

[Notwendy]

The intermittent reinforcement... .seeing that hope that she would be okay was a pretty strong pull.  My mom alternated splitting my brother and I black and white, but I was mostly black.  I can see how it affected us.  part of me still feel a bit of self directed disgust when I think or how much I fawned over her when she was happy.  Ugh.  Working on it.

Thanks for posting this and for getting me thinking and seeing yet more shame in me that is not something I should hold on to any longer.

Harri- I can relate to this- and I hope you can let go of the shame. There isn't anything to be ashamed about wanting your mother to be OK and to be the kind of mother she appeared to be when she was in her good state. I read somewhere that even an abused child loves their parents. They are the only parents we have. Also- we were children and the intermittent attention shaped our behavior. How would we have any idea about our mother's disorders? I didn't until I was well into adulthood.

Mickey- as sick as it is to think your son 's relationship with his sister is sexual, I think the main idea is that the drama (Karpman )triangle tends to play out in these relationships. If this were my mother, I would think this is a form of manipulation. I don't think she would actually believe someone would have sex with their sibling, but by saying it, it would make your son  self conscious about showing his sister affection, especially in front of his wife. This would impact the relationship as he would now be tense around her and concerned what his wife would say. His sister would also feel his distance. Kind of like innocence lost.

My mother says these kinds of things to cast a seed of doubt in a person's mind about someone else. She does this on purpose- it is a manipulative task. Because she knows she can not say " don't see this other person" she instead starts to say things that begin to cast doubt  in the person's mind- and this can erode the relationship over time. One shocking aspect I have observed is her ability to flat out lie without conscience. She sometimes mixes it with a bit of truth to make it believable.

Growing up, I was closer to my father than I was to my mother. I can certainly understand she would be jealous that her child didn't prefer her, but she also didn't seem to like it if he paid attention to me. I hope she didn't make a sexual accusation like that to him and I don't know of any, but I don't doubt she would say things to him to create distance in the relationship.

[Mickey47]

Notwendy

Wow I never thought of that, but that does make sense why he doesn't show affection towards his sister in front of her. Now alone on his own he will still hug his sister and say "love ya kid" to her. I did explain to my daughter that her brother loves her a great deal, but he has to be a certain way in front of his wife. She understands, but it hurts her a great deal and she's also hurt by the fact she'll never have a real relationship with her sister in law. Now BPD wife has tried to hurt my daughter before and we did threaten to have her arrested.

She backed way off and now we don't feel comfortable especially after the way she treated her at the wedding 2 weeks ago. We don't feel comfortable with her ever being alone with our daughter. I think if she had the chance she'd be very verbally abusive to her and possibly physically abusive. Being she isn't on meds I know since the wedding is over and now I sent that text to my son telling him he will take over his responsibility of his daughter. I know a really huge episode is coming. But I can't let that make me afraid to tell my son he needs to take on his responsibility. He knew very well how she was before getting married so he can deal with the aftermath of his decisions. Like my husband said it's the only way he'll learn from his mistakes. Is making him face them head on.

[Woolspinner2000]

This is a great observation, NotWendy.   

To me it speaks to how far you've come in your journey, that you are able to view your mom from a 'distance.' Much safer that way and you seem to have become comfortable enough with yourself that you can do this.

Kudos!

Wools

[madeline7]

My Mom is also a mistress of illusion. However, as she is now elderly and widowed, her veneer is cracking just a bit. This means that she will show her manipulative nature in front of a few select outsiders. I had an ER Dr. tell me and my sister that she "felt sorry for us girls". Me and my sister are in our 60's, not exactly girls! It makes me feel less compassionate when I can clearly see how she acts with me vs. the outside world. I am "trying" to be compassionate, but many days anger and resentment take the lead. I was not the child wearing the black hat, but now as a mature adult, I am the one wearing the black hat, so my patience has not worn thin, rather I am worn out.

[Notwendy]

Thanks Wools 

Madeline, I can relate to your situation. Mom is elderly now and I am middle age. Now, one of her social workers has caught on to her. For the first time, ever, it seems someone else (besides a sibling ) also sees what I see. It's a mixed feeling- to finally feel validated. I imagine that's what you felt when the ER doctor said this too you. Yet, it's also aggravating to be the one wearing the black hat.

I think I have come to see that this isn't about me, but the pattern of BPD. It affects the most intimate relationships more. By nature, she'd put her act on for people who don't know her as well. She really doesn't have any incentive to do this with me as I would see through it.

Her situation is sad to us and to her but she likes it that way as she is in control of the people around her.  As her grown children, we feel we should be more helpful to her- and we would be willing to, if her behavior was manageable, but it isn't. She insists on being in charge and does not cooperate with us. She prefers to have paid helpers so she can be in charge, but they also find her to be difficult.  The only relationship with us that is acceptable to her is a no boundary one- and we won't agree to that. Her situation is the result of her own choices and preferences.

[madeline7]

Notwendy,
Is your Mom OK with paying for caregivers and the idea that her children are not the ones helping her? That is the current issue with my Mom. She is so used to being enabled by my Dad, and now that he is gone she expects her children to step in and help her. She lives in an Independent Living Community where many people still have paid caregivers to help with errands, but she refuses. She is "embarrassed" to pay for care when she has 3 children living close by. She expects and demands, when she doesn't get her way, she acts out. Manipulation-silent treatment or manipulation-rage-silent treatment. And repeat. I am not always able to help, I have other responsibilities and when she acts out, I am less likely to even be willing to communicate with her. She then talks non stop about getting outside help and when we set something up, she gets angry and cancels the agency even making an initial assessment. As she ages, it is getting increasingly chaotic and has pushed me further away to protect myself. Unfortunately, as the rest of the family is still enabling her, it has driven a wedge between us and I am feeling like an outsider in my own family. It just sucks.

[Notwendy]

She likes both. I think it's also a matter of necessity to her. None of her children live close enough to do daily tasks for her. If we did, she would expect this. We didn't move farther because of her, but this is where employment took us. One problem if we did live near her would be that she would expect us to be at her beck and call if we did.  She would not be content with regular visits.

She has been enabled by my father for decades both financially and that he carried out her orders. If she wanted anything done, the rest of the family had to do it. Financially, she was the first priority in the family- to the point where my father got in debt for her wishes. He left her with enough money to hire help and we consider this a blessing.

She also likes to hire people who are in need for money as it allows her to manipulate them. She knows they need the job. With this relationship she has duplicated some of the same relationship dynamics she had with family members- they do what she says.

So yes, she'd prefer to have her family members be at her beck and call but she also seems to enjoy a similar dynamic with her helpers. The main difference between now and when she was younger is that, as an elderly person, she's normalized this to some extent. It is normal for someone her age to need assistance, but the dynamics are not different from when she was younger when she expected family members to obey her orders doing tasks she was capable of doing.

[Notwendy]

My mother's side of the family continues to enable her. I understand how it feels to be an outsider. I suspect they think I am a horrible daughter for not bringing her to live closer to me. I really don't want to do that. She would create havoc if she could.

It really is a mixed bag emotionally for us daughters. This is not the kind of person I am- to keep a distance from an elderly parent. But this one is a manipulative self centered parent who has few limits as to how far she would go to be hurtful if she doesn't get her way.

[madeline7]

Notwendy,
You are so right on about wreaking havoc if she lived closer. This is what happened to me. I was always worried that my worst nightmare would come true. My parents moved closer to me and my siblings 1 month before my Dad passed. And wreaking havoc is an understatement. I didn't realize how fractured the family was until she ended up in my home town. I can't even begin to comprehend why one sister has turned her back on me and the other continues to enable. They both know, as well as the rest of the family, that Mom is mentally ill. No one is in denial, yet they choose her over me. It boggles my mind... .

[Notwendy]

I'm really grateful to have had the conflicts I had with setting boundaries on her before my father passed away. I really cared about him and would have brought him to stay closer to me so I could help out. I wanted to help him and when I did visit, BPD mom's behavior was extreme. I realized how unmanageable it would have been.

Her neighbor who think she is the sweetest thing has called me to say " I think your mother just wants to know you want her closer to you". I answer with something diplomatic such as " I will discuss this with her social worker". The SW is thankfully on to her. I have made it clear that I can not handle this and she understands why.

Her FOO members are educated and logical. I know they have to know she has issues. She's painted me black to them and as far as I know, they believe her. For me, I would want to hear both sides of a story before judging, but they have chosen her over me. I did grieve this  but I had to move on from it emotionally.

[madeline7]

Notwendy,
I so appreciate your insights. I am now finally in the grieving process. I am not sharing as much as I used to with friends because they just don't get it. So I am working with professionals and although I do resent the time and energy required (would rather be doing just about anything but this!), it is a necessary step to healing. Peace sometimes feels elusive, but lately I see that it is possible. My personal life that does not involve my FOO is pretty wonderful thank goodness.