I bought the wrong hot dogs

[isilme]

I don't even know where to start.  H got very angry last night, the straw on the camel's back seemed to be purchasing normal all beef hot dogs last night instead of all beef 97% fat-free ones for a holiday snack we make each year.  He says I've been a "horribly snippy bitch" trying to pick fights for days, but can't tell me how.  He got violent.  Very.  Please don't tell me to contact a shelter, I am not doing it.  I can't explain it, the taboo is too ingrained in me at this time since childhood, the simple advice of  "call the women's shelter" will not help me right now.  I just need to get this out, get it written, so I can not break down off an on all day.  I am alternating between numb, and needing to just cry.  I am tired.  I did not get to bed till 3am, made it in to work anyway.

We went on our trip over the weekend.  Overall, I think we did okay getting up there.  I'd been working hard to leave the house in good shape, took several steps to make sure things that cause me anxiety while away were not an issue (I always worry a cat has gotten locked in a closet or things like that).  I'd been packing through the week, made sure I had everything, got things programmed, updated, and printed extra copies in case electronics failed and picked up the rental.  H insisted he could drive for about 2 hours, so I let him.  This is not much of a reprieve for me, as I need to stay awake because he second guesses GPS and does not drive enough for things to be second nature, and he asks me to clarify thigns every so often, so it's not like I get to nap while he drives.  But, it makes him feel he helped, so I try to erlax as much as I can and still be awake and alert.

We got there earlier than usual, our friends met us, we had dinner, grabbed some food to keep in the hotel fridge, went to room, got ready for early morning, and went to bed.  Got us super early, but H and I were ready, our friends needed a bit more time, and H got mad.  His mood shifted suddenly, super angry because the husband-friend who'd had to help a relative cut tree the day before was very sore, slow, and his hands weren't working well to get dressed or help his wife with her Ren Fest costume.  We leave about 15 minutes later than planned, still get to Ren Fest just at opening.  we are even in the first row of cars.  H's mood seemed to have improved, so we go about having what I thought was a fun day.  People had very nice things to say to him (he doesn't seem to hear them most of the time), and the items he makes, and even though he loves to ditch me at places like this and wander off with whatever guys are present, I was okay, was with the friend-wife, and we had a good time, too.  He bought me flowers, which factor into this in a bit. 

We'd hoped to go back on Sunday to the Ren Fest, but I was pretty tired and footsore Saturday night, a migraine was waiting in the wings and I needed a shower, food, and rest, I pretty much crashed out.  I still planned to try, had an alarm set, and woke up at 6, asked H if he wanted to get up - his words, "I don't think EITHER OF US is up to going back today." 

So I se-set the alarm for a check out time, work him up and we started packing.  Halfway, he said, "I don't see the point in coming if I only get one day a year."  I said, "We can still get dressed and head over there, after moving around I feel more able to go back."  To which he stills said, "No."  We pack, I take a dose of my migraine meds, to stop it in its tracks - it's just diclofenac.  It's a strong NSAID, nothing to make me euphoric, sleepy, etc.  I ask for his room key but I DON'T REMEMBER HIM HANDING IT TO ME. 

Our friends were leaving, so they came to help get luggage to the car while I checked out, and then head to lunch at a BBQ place H likes.  I had the fridge food in one hand, flowers in another, get to the front desk, ask again for the key only to discover it's in my pocket.  This is important because I have been having cognitive issues since I developed to having chronic migraines.  It's been amazing that I've been able to go a few days at a time with little to no symptoms, and I'd resigned myself that I'd surely have one during the trip.  Anyway, I check out and forget my flowers at the front desk.  My brain was not firing on all cylinders.  This is scary, as I am the one who takes care of almost all things.  If I am forgetting things, or fuzzy headed, H pretty much cannot or will not step up to the plate. 

We drive to the restaurant, find it's closed.  H bristles starts yelling.  Hotel called, asked if I left some flowers, H determines I disregard him and don't care about things he gets me, I am a terrible wife, all while yelling at the GPS because he was angry and could not type on it.  This was 0-75 miles per hour anger.  He'd not eaten.  His sugar was very low (for him - I can tell even if he won't test, ever).  He ate very little the whole day and night before.  Low sugar = rage, where normal sugar means irritation, but not rage.

I drive back to hotel while he finds the next location for lunch, get the flowers, drive to lunch.  Friends can tell he's mad, he goes off on me for sucking and forgetting things and says he's going to give the flowers to random pretty girls instead (to hurt me) since his wife doesn't care about them.

Friends try to calm him, things look slightly better, they talk us into checking out a store we don't ahve down south, H seems to perk up when I suggest we buy some pumpkins to carve since we'd not done much for Halloween yet.

We drive home - hit some traffic, his mood deteriorates more, he yells at me as if I can control the 15-minute traffic jam.  He then proceeds to yell at me each time the road curved and the sun hit his eyes.  Bear in mind, I am driving the entire 5 hours myself, and the sun is in MY eyes, too.  He yells about our friends, how they sucked by not going to the Ren Fest again today, how only he trained to eb ready (he was terribly sore and in pain, he could not have done the second day), how "all of Y'all" (me, the friends, whoever fits his anger at the time) ruin everything for him.  Finally get home, finally get to bed.

Monday is not good, not terrible.  I am exhausted, had kinda hoped he'd go to work in the afternoon.  He did not.  So Instead of getting to relax and play a game myself, I watched him play, and dozed in and out, tired from driving almost 12 hours total over the weekend.  He is in a lot of pain in his legs.  I sat down in the evening and carved a pumpkin, he decided he also wanted to carve one, I thought he was moving forward, improving. 

Yesterday - he's still in pain, but we both make it to work, friends and I all give him photos to compile from the weekend, we meet with friends for lunch, H seems okay.  He gets a bit testy when I mention heading to the store for Halloween candy, taking ym asking for clarification about something he wanted as a challenge.  I notice it but dimiss is - he's been moody off an on.  Sunday did not teach me I guess.

Get home, he's feeling amorous, and in spite of some physical challenges he's been having, everything works pretty close to how it's supposed to.  He inssits on aologizing for sucking after sex each and every time these days, I am running out of ideas for how to repond to these weird, needy, self pitying statements. 

I go to the store, he adds hot dogs and crescent rolls to the digital list we share (and he argues over, telling me to not deviate from it, stop adding what my brain thinks he's wanting and buy what he wrote), he wants to make BBQ covered Halloween themed pigs in a blanket, we make them most years.  Ok.  I'm tired, but if both of us work on it, it should not take too long.  He put Hebrew National Beef hot dogs.  Of late, because he wants to lose weight and eat less sodium, I tried him on the 97% fat-free version of those, while buying the regular ones as well just in case.  He is a super picky eater.  Only the last time did he say, "these are okay."  Not, "I love them."  Not, "buy these all the time from now on."  Not, "I'd rather have these forever."  "These are okay."

I get home - he's not eaten.  I am crashing myself, ask if he wants dinner, he says "not yet", so I grab some leftovers, eat, doze off on accident for a while, realize it's 9 pm and I've got about 48+ pigs in a blanket to make for him to take to work, plus I still needed to change the bedsheets - I'd been too tired the previous day.  H wanders in after a while, says he wants to help, but also seems perturbed that it means helping wrap the darn things.  There really is not much else you can do to help make pigs in a blanket - what did he think helping meant?  Opening the hot dog packages?  He then gets mad the hot dogs are "too thin" making them wrapping too hard.  He starts to snipe at me, telling me it's too hard, pulls out the package from the fridge of the 97% fat free ones, determines I am an idiot who purposefully ignored his wishes and bought the wrong hot dogs for a "mysterious" reason so I could ruin Halloween for him.

I missed the warning signs.  I JADE-ed.  I explained what I'd been thinking, said I should have messaged him (this makes him angry at times, or he pouts and refuses to respond, "why do I bother putting it in a list if you're going to annoy me with questions while at the store?" He storms off, goes back to his video game, and I continue making the first set of dogs.  In my mind, I admit I was thining he found a perfect way to be outraged and not help make the snacks for his own office.  I'm tired.  I can't see how buying the hot dogs he's been liking prior to my introducing him to fat free ones was a big deal.

I get them in the oven, go to ask him how many to make without cheese, and he starts yelling at me.  Yelling.  Stomping.  Screaming.  Asking the same question over and over, getting mad when I try to answer, explainging that he put "beef hot dogs" on the list, not "fat free beef hot dogs "and I was not deviating from the list since he's yelled at me before for it, and we've never used the fat free ones in the past for this recipie, and I did not want to get yelled at for buying "health food" for halloween (yes, I thoght of all of this, in the store, staring at the hot dog shelf).

Over, and over.  So, to him that was me saying, "this is your fault, you suck."  I was not thinking that.  I had my deer in th headlights moment.  I sat dumbfounded on the couch, "he is this mad about hot dogs.  What the heck?"  I am accused of being a horrible mean child, he does not have time to make me grow up and learn to think, asks me again why I bought them, why don't I listen, accuses me of lying about what I've bought in the apst, about why I bought them, how I am trying to make this "his fault".  He came and attacked me on the couch, grabbing my shoulders and shaking me.  Yes, he hurt me, he went for my throat, I don't know what the hell was happening.  Slapped my face, tore off my glasses.  He did this two or three times - I told him to stop it.  Stop it.

He ran to the dining room, and somehow made himself fall onto the floor, face first.  And all I can think is "oh God did he hurt himself?"  He told me to go outside, sit on the porch, to leave, to go away.  I refused.  I told him I was not going outside, I was not leaving.  I have nowhere to go unless I go to his sister's or our friend's house - all of which would shame him and not help.  It was 10 PM or later by now.  He was blocking me from my purse, keys, phone, and wallet.  I was not going to get locked out (he's done it ebfore) without those items.  If I had my keys I could at least walk to my office and sleep on the floor. 

Yelling, screaming, justifying being violent, making fun of me for being "battered".  it was all insane.  Claimed I don't respect him, I nag him by telling everyone he does nothing around the house (I don't.  They can see it, I say nothing).  I apparently try to make him feel bad all day every day, am a mean bitch of a wife, I embarass him "all the time" by "arguing" with him in public.  He takes my asking him to repeat something I could not hear as arguing.  He says he knows I think he is a monster, that I wear the pants in the house, not him (BS, I defer to him all the times I can - he just refuses to make decisions most of the time).  So, this was NOT about hot dogs, or him having low blood sugar.  Tells me he doesn't need me, he'd be fine in a dirty house with a ___ty yard, he doesn't "need" those things taken care of, so I can stop playing martyr.  I don't think I do.  I reconciled those feelings long ago - if I lived alone, the yard still needs mowing.  The dishes still need waching, laundry still needs doing.  So whatever.  I do it, he can help or not, I won't live in a pigsty.  I say nothing.  Nothing.  about it.  I just do it. 

It was about me never respecting him, our friends letting him down by not going a second day to the Faire, by me "not training enough" even though I had to convince HIM to work out inside, and did every exercise with him, with more reps (you're bigger than me, you need more exercise than I do, he said).  Halloween is "ruined".  He is dying.  he's going to quit his job.  he yelled at me for what his old boss did in 2014 - claims she killed him back then and he's been dead since.  I tell him he's depressed, not eating right, taking pills on time, exercising or sleeping like he needs to, so, of course, he is depressed and feels like crap.  I get yelled at for all the things he's given up, foodwise.  He is a food addict.  He medicates with it.  Many items are poison to his body.  He mocks me for needing one cup of coffee a day to prevent headaches, "you're addicted."  But he gets mad when I mention sugar as something some people are addicted to. 

Finally, I am able to go to the kitchen, I am numb, have all these damn hot dogs, so I continue to make them, partly to ahve an excuse to be busy so I won't cry.  I can't cry.  It would just trigger more.  He comes into the kitchen, bitches about how I've "allowed" small stinging plants to grow in our garden - the garden he prevents me from working in on nice days because it means he's alone inside.  I finish cooking, go sit in the living room and wait for him to shower, and got to bed.  I thne shower, he seems asleep, so I just get in bed, too.  I'd been thinking I'd need to sleep on the couch, not wanting to, as it hurts my back. 

He stayed in this morning.  I am exhausted, ended up crying in my ofice and a coworker who knows as much as I am willing to share came to check on me.  I jsut said his blood sugar seems really off, he is being super unreasonable, starting fights out of nowhere, and I am tired. 

He's not eating when he should.  I know this is a big factor in what's happening.  He is angry at having to schedule food times, I believe he hurt after sex and is angry or feeling inadequate there and so he's mad at me.  I have made a few comments lately, that he'd forget his meds or to say if I did not remind him.  It's true, but he hates hearing it.  He won't take care of himself, but is mad he feels poorly.  It has to be my fault, so he can avoid the shame.  I "made" him attack me because I "would not sut up and stop being a child.".  "It's the only way you listen to me"  All the old excuses for yes, abuse.  And I am still numb, avoiding going to where the tears are.  Keeping them back, I can't sit here and cry all day at work, I don't want to go home.  I am tired.  I want to give up today.  I wondered if he DID commit suicide, as he threatens now and then, or just die from not taking care of him, how would that be.  And I hate myself for wondering.  I am tired.  Days with him out of the house look peaceful at the moment, and I hate myself for that.  I don't want him gone, or to die, I jsut want him to get regulated.  I can't deal with thi.  I am too broken as it is. 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[desperate.wife]

What a trip... .
   

[RolandOfEld]

Hi isilme. I read what you wrote and needed to get out. It broke my heart, especially all of the points that I could feel so acutely myself, the fear, the inability to leave one's own house for fear of being locked out.

I know you just need to be heard right now, not advised. Let's please come back to some of what went on later. We are all here for you.

A little time has passed since your post. How are you doing now? Have things calmed down and have you been able to get any decent rest?

Sending you strength,
Roland

[Chosen]

   
isilme, I feel bad for you.  I know how that feels- the accusations, the rage, the violence.  I won't tell you to "go to a woman's shelter" (not possible for everybody due to various reasons, I've been there too) but try your best to stay safe, ok?  I echo so much of what you said- how everything triggers your H, how he would call you names and anything you do (crying- YES!) will just trigger more of the same.  How you just wish he would be regulated.  I have tears in my eyes writing this because this is how I deeply wish as well.  But oh well.

I'm sorry I don't really have suggestions for you, I just want to know that you're not completely alone.

[Bnonymous]

I, too, have no suggestions, but didn't want to read and run. I'm not surprised you're exhausted - it's exhausting just *imagining* it, living it must be hellish.

I hope someone with more experience will come along and offer you some constructive suggestions. It seems imperative that you get some kind of break to rest and recuperate, but I can see how even trying to do this is likely to set him off again. It's a difficult and draining situation and I'm sorry you're going through this.

If you felt that you *could* leave (in terms of finances, somewhere to go, being safe from reprisals etc), would you want to? I guess what I'm asking is do you feel that you are only here because you are trapped and can't find a way out, or are there still things that you love about him and gain from the relationship?

[isilme]

Hi, thank you all for writing back.  Yesterday was just a mess for me, I can no longer power-thru with little sleep like I could in my 20s and 30s.  Also, some things just hurt more after trying to take part in a post on the Parents boards, some of his comments I tried to shrug off dug under my skin.  I struggle with feeling worthwhile and make it through most days finding value in "doing my duty" to all around me, at work, at home, having a really hard time seeing that I'm supposed to have an inherent value in myself.  I guess my love language I give others is service.  I grew up so starved for love or affection it seems I have trouble processing it well at all.  I was very well aware of my need to "earn my keep", especially when Dad remarried Wife#3 and I was in denial but still aware I was not really welcome in her home, except as Cinderella.  Ha - she even prevented me from going to a "ball" (senior class party with my church in high school). 

H hit toxic shame by yesterday afternoon.  He hurts himself physically by allowing his anger to reach those levels, his blood pressure goes up horribly, he feels almost hungover later once he's back to or just under baseline.  I've learned over the years (going on year 23) that the WORST thing to do is rehash, revisit, bring up, recriminate, etc.  His shame can't handle it, and I want to move on the positive.

We got home, and went about making sure the porch was decently clean for any trick or treaters, and he made sure to eat.  Eating on time helps stabilize his moods.  He told me he is sorry he is a monster.  I know this sounds crazy, but I hate hearing that.  I don't seem to hold onto anger much?  I don't want him to feel bad - I want him to take care of himself so he does not act like that.  He has been ignoring eating lately, partly because he feels he is fat, that his sugar is too high anyway so he just needs to not eat to bring it down.  I know it does not work like that, but HE has to believe that. 

I am still tired, exhausted, he is still depressed, feels he's missed out on too much, and I know this fall is going to be a struggle, but today is a better day than yesterday so far. 

If you felt that you *could* leave (in terms of finances, somewhere to go, being safe from reprisals etc), would you want to? I guess what I'm asking is do you feel that you are only here because you are trapped and can't find a way out, or are there still things that you love about him and gain from the relationship?

I am not trapped in the relationship.  Not like some on here are.  I get trapped in situations, instances in time where I would like to diffuse things by leaving, but it's late, I'm tired, can't really see well, am sick, and so I am stuck for the duration of the rage, the silent treatment, and the final wind down. 

Our house is tiny - 850 sq feet - think a 2BR apartment where the 2nd berdoom is an art studio, no bed, just some work stations and a drawing table, shelves out the wazoo.  There are no rooms I can "escape" to - the bedroom door doesn't shut all the time based on the seasons and trying to hide in there would trigger things to get worse anyway, the kitchen has a divider and a bottleneck, but no door, the bathroom has a door, but there is only one and I don't relish sitting in there all night anyway.  The living room and dining room are open to each other, and lead to the kitchen bottleneck.  Due to the size and space design, it's very easy for him to block me in, even without trying.  All he has to do is pick a spot to stand as he yells, and I'd need to push him out of the way to get past, escalating things even more, to change where I am.  I considered sleeping on the living room couch to diffuse things, but after I was able to shower I could hear him snoring and figured I'd try sleeping in the bed.  He did not wake, so at least I got to be in the bed I'd just put clean sheets on.

And no - after being kicked out at 19 by my BPD dad, I do not relish the idea of sitting on my porch, in the dark, with no keys, phone, wallet, or anything.  We live in a small rural town.  I can walk to my work, but without keys or even an ID, I'd not be able to take shelter in the building.  And I was in yucky house clothes, not things I'd want to be found in my office wearing in the morning after not being able to sleep or shower.

I'm not trapped in this relationship - in 23 years I've had chances to go.  I'd be very sad to leave the cats, my babies, but I'd not be able to give them the space they are used to, but leaving has been much of my life.

What I get trapped in are individual circumstances where I'd like to be able to be left alone for a few days, get some GOOD rest, be as selfish about my time as I want.  Not worry about work, other people's needs or wants, and be able to read and fall asleep as much as I want, play a video game for hours and hours, and eat when I want/need.  I don't want to be alone forever, but I DO feel drained at times but others and don't seem to be able to recharge much.  And in the midst of someone being very mean to me, disordered and sick or not, I hope it's not terrible to have the thought "fine, you're "dying" and only have a few years left, whatever, I can't feel bad because you are not working to improve it.  You are making that choice, so stop yelling at ME for YOUR choices, and either get on with dying or shut up and do better.  Limbo is killing ME" 

[Bnonymous]

Thank you for clarifying for me. So the situation is that you don't want out of the relationship permanently, but you do need to be able to take time out every now and then?

It does sound like an utterly exhausting situation. It sounds like you're barely getting any me-time or space at all at the moment - has it always been like this? I know I'd be going crackers if I couldn't get any time to myself to just unwind. I don't think it's terrible at all to think the things you said - I think it's totally understandable and I'd probably feel the same in your position. You sound in dire need of a break (as anyone would be) and the thoughts sound like they're born out of sheer exhaustion.

I understand re being in limbo. My boyfriend is killing himself with active alcohol addiction. I know there is nothing I can do to prevent this, that he is responsible for his own choices etc. But it can be hell to have to sit back and watch them hurt themselves to that point.

I also get about needing to take vital things with you when you go outside. My boyfriend and I don't live together (thank God!) but, when he's staying at my house, I don't even risk putting the bins out without having my phone, keys, and wallet in my pocket, because I know that he is more than capable of locking me out of my own home (and, worse, I know that I wouldn't have the emotional energy to call the police so I could get back in again).

I hope you manage to find a way to get a break and some time to (and for) yourself.

[desperate.wife]

I know this sounds crazy, but I hate hearing that.  I don't seem to hold onto anger much?  I don't want him to feel bad - I want him to take care of himself so he does not act like that.

It doesn't sound crazy. I feel the same. Once he is sorry, I forget all negative things. I just want him to be better, and it upsets me when he doesn't do simple things to take care of himself.

He has been ignoring eating lately, partly because he feels he is fat, that his sugar is too high anyway so he just needs to not eat to bring it down.  I know it does not work like that, but HE has to believe that.

Does he know about consequences? Like loosing legs? My uncle lost both his legs because of untreated diabetes... .

What I get trapped in are individual circumstances where I'd like to be able to be left alone for a few days, get some GOOD rest, be as selfish about my time as I want.  Not worry about work, other people's needs or wants, and be able to read and fall asleep as much as I want, play a video game for hours and hours, and eat when I want/need.  I don't want to be alone forever, but I DO feel drained at times but others and don't seem to be able to recharge much. 

It is very basic needs. What can you do about it? Have a walk alone? I am afraid no one can last long under such circumstances without sleep and migraine.

And in the midst of someone being very mean to me, disordered and sick or not, I hope it's not terrible to have the thought "fine, you're "dying" and only have a few years left, whatever, I can't feel bad because you are not working to improve it.  You are making that choice, so stop yelling at ME for YOUR choices, and either get on with dying or shut up and do better.  Limbo is killing ME" 

It is not terrible at all. Very human.

[Fie]

I hope it's not terrible to have the thought "fine, you're "dying" and only have a few years left, whatever, I can't feel bad because you are not working to improve it.  You are making that choice, so stop yelling at ME for YOUR choices, and either get on with dying or shut up and do better.  Limbo is killing ME"

It doesn't sound terrible at all. It's logical. You cannot prevent someone from dying while all they do is pointed in the direction of wanting to die. Their choice.

[Alona76]

Hearing your hot dogs situation was hard to hear, it also seems BPD can have the exact same impact as domestic abuse . It’s hard distinguish the two I feel. I know a couple books if you are wanting to explore things from a different angle . “ why does he do that” by Lundy Bancroft and “women who love too much “ but can’t remember the author of that.  I am having similar issues but not as extreme and my partner isn’t violent but still similar to a lesser degree . How do you see your future do you see it improving?  I really feel for you so much pressure

[isilme]

Hi all.  Thank you for writing.

Yes.  I am exhausted.  I work full time, am the one who does all things needed around the house, errands, pet care, car care, lawn work.  I feel guilty for sleeping (long issue - my BPD dad told me I was horrible and lazy, it's still repeating in my head sometimes).  And while I am trying to not make it my responsibility about H's day to day self-care, I can't let him "fail" at this, or we end up with nights like Tuesday. 

Walks alone - can't do it if I am exhausted beyond belief, or my head is acting up.  I am sitting here right now, counting hours until I might be able to sleep, sucking down my coffee.  My sleep maintenance insomnia is hard for most to understand - most people know insomnia is not falling asleep.  I can fall asleep.  But I have so much PTSD from my childhood I wake every 30-45 minutes.  Wind wakes me.  Dogs a block away wake me  The stupid train that runs thru town wakes me.  I was expected from age 5 to use my own alarm clock to get up, and then get myself to the bus stop or walk to school, so I an anxious about missing my alarm.  I was also hyper-aware of the fights going on as a child, felt I had to stop them, and as a teen I was moved so much to strange places I guess I never felt "safe".  Also, I was chastised for sleeping past 8am on weekends by my stepmother and dad.  So for every hour I am asleep, I get 30-45 minutes of rest, not allowing me to get into deep sleep most weeknights.  I sleep best from 6am-12 noon, and 3pm-5pm afternoons.  I actually dream.  So Saturday mornings are my time to sleep.  Sometimes Sundays.   Weekdays it's just a grown deficit.

H has always been quick to anger, and yes, physically threatening at times.  But, since I grew up with a man who would pick me up my by hair and throw me, it didn't seem that bad by comparison, and in recent years, had been greatly improving.  In orders of magnitude, H is usually no comparison to my dad. 

This year I feel we are taking some steps backwards.  His depression from last winter is lingering, he is ruminating on all things that ever upset him, the progress and motivation he felt last year about trying to get his health issues under control seems  have left.  And we're having more outbursts.  I see him in pain.  He is having trouble walking and YES he is terrified his legs will be amputated, and now worried he is going blind.  On top of intimate issues diabetes causes, he's a mess. 

But having BPD I think makes the idea that it's both in his power to improve things, and his responsibility to do so, hard to grasp and hold on to.  His feelings = his facts, so if he feels bad right now, he will feel bad forever and always has, and that's "reality" for him.  And it's always been easier for him to believe that some un-named thing prevents him from accomplishing things (shame avoidance - not my fault thinking), from doing what he should, when really,  he prevents himself by not managing time well, not planning, passively avoiding things by procrastinating.  He can't write a book not because I or anyone stop him, or he lacks the skill - he COULD do it... .but then can't push past his emotional blocks, self doubt, worries of failure to do it, and wastes his time playing video games instead.  This applies to most things in his life. 

I ended up crying in the shower and later in the living room lat night.  He showered and went to bed before me.  I guess I was ready to.  He pretty much rebuffed some of my overtures of quiet, simple affection - hold my hand for a minute.  Can I sit on the couch with you?  I get it, he feels like he doesn't deserve it.  So, I am denied being treated with love when he rages... .and also when he is in toxic shame mode.  I am hurting, and have no avenue for comfort except this website. 

I feel like I get by a lot of the time by being a robot, just get things done, move on, grab about 5-10 minutes here and there to read a little bit, then do next thing.  Get up, go to work, come home, do all house things, try to relax without falling asleep on the couch making insomnia worse, prepare for work the next day, repeat.  No room for feelings.  No one to talk to about them.  No parents, no siblings, hate confiding in friends.  It's how I made it through high school, pretending to be Data from Star Trek (yes, nerd).  I find the episode of STTNG where a small boy suffers a trauma and decides he wants to be an android too a little cringey, because it's how I feel.  And I HAVE to shut off feelings.  I seem to absorb the feelings of the people around me, and it's so much.  There is no room for mine. 

I feel alone lately.  I feel tired.  My heart hurts when I listen to it, but it shuts me down so I turn it off.  LIttle things seem to add up, and reinforce feelings my BPD parents taught me to feel.  Worthless.  Forgettable.  Not worth much effort.  Safe to let down and disappoint. 

I dressed up for Halloween and brought candy for the day care kids from my work.  My office always hands candy out to the little trick or treaters, they sing a silly jack o lantern song for us, and after how bad Tuesday night, I really needed to see toddlers in costumes, silly, cute kids.  But I don't sit near the front door, and while others were called to the front to go hand out candy... .I was forgotten.  I missed them.  I had no idea they'd come and gone, finally asked, "Are the kids coming by?"  "Oh, they did about an hour ago, didn't you know?  No one told you?"   No.  No one told me.  I was forgotten.  It's silly, these are just coworkers, but I spend over 40 hours a week with the people.  And it hurt my feelings, on a day when I was in bad shape already.  I'm not a big social butterfly at work, I talk to the people I work the closet with, so out of an office of about 25, that makes it about 3-5 people I talk to a lot daily, the others are as needed, as makes sense for the day and the work at hand.  I don't forget people, remember birthdays, try to be helpful and pleasant as much as possible.  But it doesn't matter.  H can decide against doing things for me and let me down, give half of a gift for me to someone else if he forgot them, it's safe, but will stress and work himself to death for other people.  His pain, his health issues, crown out any ability for him to help me, comfort me, or even just refrain from verbal negative diarrhea flowing from his mouth at all times, beating down my shoddy defenses with claims of how his life is just going downhill, he's dying, blah blah blah. 

Anyway, I am at work, crying more, trying to stop, typing to puzzle out how I can move forward here. 

[Bnonymous]

I'm sorry things are so crap for you.

Your post makes me think of a Samuel Beckett quote "I can't go on; I go on". Because it sounds as though you've been in an unsustainable position for a long time and yet you have sustained it. I really hope that someone wiser than me will come along and offer you constructive suggestions for how to improve the situation so that you don't have to carry on sustaining the unsustainable for too much longer.

I wish I had suggestions for you, but I only have a sympathetic ear to offer.

I'm glad that you understand that the negative things you're feeling about yourself have been put there by other people - that's a good thing, as it means that part of you is still resisting and refusing to let them define you, even when you are too exhausted to stop their words/attitudes replaying in your head. Hold on tight to that knowledge. Keep remembering that the negative feelings about yourself are just feelings, and that, even though they hurt, they don't reflect who you are.

When I identify PTSD-type patterns and feelings, I try to ground myself by reminding myself that I am not that child anymore, that adult-me has lots of resources and ways of protecting myself that child-me didn't have then. I also tell myself that I'm safe now, but it sounds like you don't feel safe in your present situation, so you don't have the safety or space and time that you need to heal. It sucks and I'm so sorry you're in this position.

I get what you're saying about your husband's avoidance and learned helplessness - it can be painful and frustrating to witness.

I strongly identify with what you are saying about feeling other people's feelings so deeply that there is no room for your own - that is something I struggle with too. It can feel overwhelming and all-encompassing, and it can be very hard to carve out some emotional space to just feel our own feelings. That's even harder when you're not able to get much physical space or time either.

I'm sorry about your disappointment re missing the Halloween kids.

Like I said, I hope someone wiser than me can offer you constructive advice and possible solutions - I just wanted you to know that people are listening and care and you're not alone. x

[I Am Redeemed]

Islme,

Your story resonated with me. It's too eerily familiar, even down to the low blood sugar and rage thing.

I just wanted to tell you that you are important. What you feel matters. You matter. We're here to listen and support you.

Sending you many many  

Redeemed

[isilme]

Silly.  I read Samuel Beckett, and thought Sam Beckett from Quantum Leap.  I got fixated on time travel when I was about 10-14 years old, still am a bit.  I kinda had a George Bailey wish to not have been born, I think, or that time travel could let me go make right what once went wrong.  I read about physics, Stephen Hawking, as much as I could.  I had a fuzzy idea I could find a way to make it happen, and if not fix things in the past, I could travel seeing neat things forever.

I can't read that I am worth something without crying.  I thank you all, and those on the parent's board, too, for responding during such a yucky time. 

I think I am just going to have to accept that I am not as resilient at 41 as I was at 21, that some defenses have eroded over time, or stores of energy and willpower take longer to replenish now.  I've had a few years' reprieve from H being as irrational as he has been this year, it's been a hard year, I am scared with his parents' even more terrible health the next few years are going to be pretty hard.  I think his dad is close to going, his mom won't tell us.  He is convinced he will need to move down there and live with her, even as he admits she won't listen to him and all they would do is fight... .but he doesn't want me living down there with her, it's getting more and more dangerous as drug dealers take over the formerly nice neighborhood built in the 1950s with the family home.  She only partially listens to me, and that's just because I have an idea how to talk to her after living with her son for 20+ years.  I love her, she's treated me better than my own mom, but she IS a big reason H is the way he is.  She passed it along via nature AND nurture. 

Also, I am the main breadwinner, and H feel his job is useless "except to make money".  Sigh.  That's what a job is for.  It does not need to be earth shattering, world changing to be worthwhile. 

Anyway, I am hoping I can get some sleep tonight, and things will be better.  Thank you.

[desperate.wife]

My sleep maintenance insomnia is hard for most to understand - most people know insomnia is not falling asleep.  I can fall asleep.  But I have so much PTSD from my childhood I wake every 30-45 minutes.  Wind wakes me.  Dogs a block away wake me  The stupid train that runs thru town wakes me.

Oh, I am so sorry to hear that. For two years, I was waking up every two-three hours. It was a torture. I thought I would go crazy. I was tired, crying, easily got angry and upset. If I had to choose between anything and sleep, it was sleep. I guess it helped that I could find ten minutes to read, and feel the shower running on my skin. I had to relax doing everyday stuff. When you take your coffee at work, do you enjoy the smell of it? Do you let it invade your nose and feel the beauty of it? Do you close your eyes? Just the smell of coffee can be source of relaxation. When you take first sip, how does it feel? How does it taste? Worm? Feel the worm filling your body? Feels good. And when you take shower. Is it your favourite shower gel? Is it relaxing smell? Do you like hot or cold shower? Contrast? Feel how the water goes down your body? Enjoy every second of taking shower, feel how the stress and tiredness goes down the drainer. Stroking a cat is free antistress medication  Little everyday things can help to stay sane. What do you enjoy?

Like you I thought what I would do anyway if I was not living with my husband, and it made so much easier to enjoy those things. They don't depend on him. I am perfectly fine on my own and I enjoy doing those things. He can participate or not. And if want to read book instead of cleaning so I do it. 10 minutes a day? Instead of few clean plates? Could you do it? It is ok if can't now. You will. You will find your peace. You are strong, smart woman. You don't owe anyone anything. World will not collapse, earth will continue turning. And you will be rested, happy. You can do whatever you want.

I am impressed how clearly you express yourself being as tired as you are. Your husband won't write a book? You can do it! I would read it. You have a lot to tell. You give great advices to others.

You mentioned one of the reasons you are staying is because of cats. I had much worse reason to stay once. Long long time ago when I was considering breaking up with my then boyfriend I stayed because of things. Dishes. We had just begun living together. All those new things that was mine (ours). Living adult live. I didn't want to give it up. It didn't matter I could get other things or take some of those. I was just standing there, in the one square meter kitchen, looking in the cupboard and thought I don't want to lose this. Pathetic.

I hope you got good sleep and feel better today.

 

DW

[isilme]

So, made it through the weekend.  Can't say thigns seem much better, but at least they didn't get much worse.

Had our friends over Saturday, was able to tell the wife things were stressed when we went to pick up food.  Gave her as much of what was happening as I could, mentioned H's dad is in bad shape, and she said "Oh wow, so much makes sense now.

I guess I am not a good DIL, I have sort of taken it for granted FIL is going to pass in the next 12 months.  I am trying to mentally prepare, slowly prepare H, so hearing he's still got pneumonia is neither a shock, nor something I can do much about living about 1.5 hours away.  I mean, I am a person who has had to go NC with pretty much any and all of my family of origin, just to protect myself, so walls and compartments built about the upcoming deaths are sort of second nature I suppose.  When my own, older parents die, I think I will likely take time off and stay home, but I do NOT plan to go to my father's funeral or bedside about 30 minutes away and don't even know if I could make it to my mother's all the way in another state. 

MIL and FIL, they have treated me more as a daughter than those two managed to ever do in the last couple of decades.  I don't WANT them to die, but like H, I want them to see the bed they made, stop trying to guilt their kids for not wanting to visit when the visit entails nothing but talking about impending death in a room with two people who want us to visit but do nothing to make it comfortable for us to do so (hoarding is an issue - no where to sit, I basically spend 2 hours cleaning when we come just to be able to cook dinner, bathe, and have a spot on the couch).  The parents got mad at being called out about the hoarding at various times, and now in a fit of stubbornness, no longer even try to make their space safe for grandkids or comfortable for adults (sharps container in reach, all chairs covered with stuff, etc.).  I know they are depressed.  They retired, had no engaging hobbies, and now, at 67 and 68, are physically about as mobile and capable as H's grandmother was at 95.  she took far better care of herself.  The parents did not.  They sat down, and never really got up. 

We thought it'd be nice to take H's mom to see Episode VII in a movie theater, knowing she doesn't get out much.  It was sad and painful seeing that walking in to and through a movie theater for her was like a 10 mile hike for me.  Plus, she is passive-aggressive about timeliness, and we had to struggle to get her into a car to have time to get her into the theater for the show.  We haven't tried, since. 

H stresses over it being his job to take care of his mom after his dad is gone, but at the same time acknowledging he can't take care of himself, and that he is seeing the strain on me (just had to mention the bags under my eyes, thanks.  I didn't feel ugly enough).  He worries about fighting his sister for the "estate".  This is basically one home in a region that has declined from being a safe family neighborhood in the Rio Grande Valley to a place you can watch drug deals take place from your porch.  There is no real "estate".  She can have it all from my point of view - I was disowned, the idea of any heirlooms or inheritance is alien to me, anyway.  The sister managed to end up with several instances of windfall from her husband's family, she can have whatever from the parents. 

Anyway, H started talking late Saturday about his depression, the causes, and I tried my best to keep quiet and just let him talk.  He's still mad at himself, sees a bleak and dreary future of nothing but and loneliness.  We don't have kids, and at 41 I don't see kids happening.  H would have had to grow up faster and get married sooner for kids to be in the equation - and frankly, honestly with his emotional instability, as much as I'd liked to have had his children when younger, I think it may be for the best, now.  But he is now worried that "one of us will end up alone" since we have no kids, because of his health issues, and whatever health issues he thinks are "waiting" for me.  He hates, really hates, that I am just over 200lbs, but he is the one with diabetes.  He has trouble believing that I am not as messed up as he is - I have migraines, bad enough, and am physically tired from my own depression and lack of sleep and rest.  I am terrified I may develop Alzheimer's like my mother's brother and my mother's mother.  That's what runs in my family. 

He sort of let me sleep this weekend.  I told him I felt like I had a fever, felt like it was a small cold/migraine was moving from prodrome to active, and so dozed on the couch Friday night, part of Saturday - did some chores, laid down, did more chores, laid down.  Sunday I tried to be more active, getting the pile of laundry washed.   The house is somewhat more organized, which helps my calm, and I spent part of Sunday night crocheting a toy I've been wanting to make.  I plan to make several small items to sell or give as gifts this December, and maybe make my Christmas quilt or advent calendar.  And, we have a local craft show where I might be able to sell off a blanket I made for "friends" who were so rude and demanding of their friends about their baby shower I could not give it to them.

Anyway, at work, he's in a lot of pain today but also made it to work, trucking along, trying to just keep things even.  The emotional gaunlet that is fall has begun.