Twice bitten: so many false accusations I'm losing touch with reality (part 2)

[Depression = 72% of members]

Continued from: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=328353.0 I was not clear with an exact time I would return. This is the problem. If I set a time and I am a few minutes late, I am crucified for it. I have been giving vague blurry edged time frames instead. I need to cover myself, but this isn't working either. What I am going to have to do is set realistic time frames for myself, to allow for long queues at the post office for example. And make sure I am back on time!

The SET technique didn't really get much past the first letter. She was obviously upset and I found it hard to even get a word in. I really need to learn some things here. I think my chances of this relationship changing are pretty slim. It looks like I need to seriously look at my own behaviour and maybe if I change that, I'll make some ground.

Last night she was so angry at me. She was screaming. I can't even remember what about. It was all sorts of garbled accusations. She was quite drunk. She ended up leaping at me and swinging punches. I just covered my head as best I could. Then she kicked me in the testicles and I went down on the floor. She left after that. Then she returned screaming at me to get my wide format printer out of the warehouse as she is throwing all of my junk into the rain. So I got in the car and dragged all my stuff back here. An hour later she is knocking on the door, then the window. She is crying, saying she wants to talk to me. I told her I will talk to her tomorrow. She just keeps crying and tapping on the window. I won't let her in the bedroom. This goes on for some time. At about 1am I open the window and she is sleeping outside. I let her back in and put her to bed.

Maybe this was a mistake? I don't  know. That is the problem. I just don't know when I am doing the wrong thing or the right thing. I do know one thing. I am an illustrator and I have a shoebox of hundereds of drawings I have done of her and I. I am a scientist with a labcoat on; she is a robot. Often I am fixing her and have her pulled apart. Other times she is attacking me. Sometimes I am an astronaut and I am ejecting her out of the airlock of my spaceship. Or I am pouring a huge vat of molten metal inside the hold of a huge factory ship, onto her head. In one drawing I am 90 years old and she is still young and still smacking my head with her chrome hand. But then there are drawings of the crashed spaceship on the volcanic planet. My glass helmet is cracked. She is carying me across a desert for miles and miles.

Ok, so she MIGHT be a robot. What I really need is the Users Manual, or I will keep running into trouble. She is for Trained Service Personel ONLY!

[2020]

Continued from: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=328353.0 I was not clear with an exact time I would return. This is the problem. If I set a time and I am a few minutes late, I am crucified for it. I have been giving vague blurry edged time frames instead. I need to cover myself, but this isn't working either. What I am going to have to do is set realistic time frames for myself, to allow for long queues at the post office for example. And make sure I am back on time!

The SET technique didn't really get much past the first letter. She was obviously upset and I found it hard to even get a word in. I really need to learn some things here. I think my chances of this relationship changing are pretty slim. It looks like I need to seriously look at my own behaviour and maybe if I change that, I'll make some ground.

Last night she was so angry at me. She was screaming. I can't even remember what about. It was all sorts of garbled accusations. She was quite drunk. She ended up leaping at me and swinging punches. I just covered my head as best I could. Then she kicked me in the testicles and I went down on the floor. She left after that. Then she returned screaming at me to get my wide format printer out of the warehouse as she is throwing all of my junk into the rain. So I got in the car and dragged all my stuff back here. An hour later she is knocking on the door, then the window. She is crying, saying she wants to talk to me. I told her I will talk to her tomorrow. She just keeps crying and tapping on the window. I won't let her in the bedroom. This goes on for some time. At about 1am I open the window and she is sleeping outside. I let her back in and put her to bed.

Maybe this was a mistake? I don't  know. That is the problem. I just don't know when I am doing the wrong thing or the right thing. I do know one thing. I am an illustrator and I have a shoebox of hundereds of drawings I have done of her and I. I am a scientist with a labcoat on; she is a robot. Often I am fixing her and have her pulled apart. Other times she is attacking me. Sometimes I am an astronaut and I am ejecting her out of the airlock of my spaceship. Or I am pouring a huge vat of molten metal inside the hold of a huge factory ship, onto her head. In one drawing I am 90 years old and she is still young and still smacking my head with her chrome hand. But then there are drawings of the crashed spaceship on the volcanic planet. My glass helmet is cracked. She is carying me across a desert for miles and miles.

Ok, so she MIGHT be a robot. What I really need is the Users Manual, or I will keep running into trouble. She is for Trained Service Personel ONLY!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi 2020,

I am sorry to hear of this horrible physical altercation. Have you ever considered calling the authorities on her? I know that is not an easy decision to make, but it is certainly one to consider.

Did you have to seek medical care? How you are holding up after this? If you are locked in this warehouse she cannot get to you?

wishing you peace, pearl.

[pearlsw]

Hi 2020,

As someone who also likes to draw (though not as much since I moved overseas, though I also like sculpture... .)... .I just wanted to say a word about your illustrations because they sound impressive and imaginative.  Obviously they say a lot about how the relationship feels to you... .and the way you see things playing out... .Do you feel trapped? Hopeless? Do you make drawings that envision a way out of this troubled time? Or a more peaceful existence?

take care, pearl.

[2020]

Hello Pearl,

I appreciate your concern. The violence is a worry, as is my acceptance of it. I have been surrounded by this sort of thing all my life. My dad would bash me and destroy all of my belongings as a kid. I actually thought I was going to die on a couple of occasions, I really did. I was on my knees pleading for my life. I am quite damaged and warped. I ended up getting into a relationship and having children with a woman who acted exactly like him. For 16 years I allowed myself to me stuck in a war zone. I would be waken up with a bucket of water over the head. It would almost drown me. Then she'd smash up things and scream at me. My reaction was to try harder and harder to please her, like I did my dad. Eventually, in a drug induced rage, she finally kicked me out onto the street with my then 12 year old son, and we got our own place to rent. I sat on my doorstep massively depressed for a few years. I remember wondering on my birthday whether it had been five or years since I had any interaction with a woman. Then one day someone walked into my life almost unexpectedly. She bathed my infected foot (I had stood on a rusty nail a week prior). Then she asked me out for a drink. I couldn't believe it was happening. I was so down and with zero self esteem, and she was stunningly beautiful, like a woman from a 60's painting on black velvet. She told me I was a really nice guy. I guess I fell in love, instantly.

And here I am, ten years later. I have been battling to understand how someone so intelligent and clever, so tallented and creative, can be so nasty to me? Somehow I found my way here... .

The problem for me is, I have been bashed and beaten and had just about everything I own smashed up at some point or other, that I almost expect it, or accept it. Yesterday my partner said she never wants that to happen again, but I expect it will. Maybe I should be doing something about it. I'm kind of trapped. I trap myself in a way. I don't want to be a nasty person and I feel sorry for her. I even feel sorry for my dad who I haven't spoken to since my mother died. At least I can draw these things onto paper. I have been doing this since childhood. It is my only way of escape. I fully expect to be alone in the near future, with a pen and a block of photocopy paper, drawing these little incidences. It is not such a bad destiny. Apart from the daily grind, I have to say, I feel strangely happy.

[pearlsw]

Hi 2020,

Oh yes. Childhood abuse can definitely set us up for receiving more abuse as adults. And even when that is not the case, abuse can still show up and trap or paralyze us a bit. It does take some work to find one’s way out of this when/if we begin to take those steps.

Please keep in mind, just because we have “accepted” it up to a point does not mean we have to keep accepting it. On any given day new choices are possible in life and new opportunities come into view.

Have you ever had a chance to speak with a therapist to help you work through such issues a bit? Is that something you would have access to and could safely do?

If you speak with counselors at a local DV shelter you might be surprised at how open, understanding, and supportive they can be.

It is also really important to do something they call “safety planning” in order to be prepared for the situations that may, and most likely will, be coming in the future I am afraid. If she drinks and is violent, and gets away with it, no matter how much she may regret it, this could happen again and again.

If you ever did call the authorities what do you think might happen? Is this something you feel afraid about doing? Could you safely get away from her and to a phone if need be?

Also, while it is good to have empathy and understanding of others, we must be careful not to let ourselves be hurt in the process. Again, I know that this is something that one can get used to after a lifetime of physical abuse, but just a friendly reminder that you do not deserve to be physically abused, no one does. No one does. And as scary as it is, things can be changed on this issue and with some some support and assistance you can get there someday.

with compassion, pearl.  

[Radcliff]

2020,

I'm sorry to hear of the recent violence.  Thanks for sharing with us about your past.  It helps us see how things fit together.  I understand how hard it can be to really convince ourselves that we deserve better than abuse, that it is OK to act to stop it.  It may seem simple to those who have not been there, but it is not.  You are caring for her.  You took her in out of the rain and put her to bed, because you are a gentle person.  

Our silence allows the abuse to continue.  You don't need to come to any conclusion on the relationship, but it's important for you to draw a bright line around physical violence.  There must be consequences for violence that extend outside of the relationship.  One of the things that helped me to feel ready to act against the violence in my relationship was to realize that my wife was harming herself through the violence.  It is not good for her spirit to be acting that way.  I realized we needed help.  Are you ready to start doing things differently?

RC

[2020]

Wentworth and Pearl. I thank you for the insight and support. Events today are pretty fluid here. I begin to reply to this discussion here, but it escalates further. It isn't easy reasoning with a person with borderline traits, let alone a drunk one. Thankfully she has left the house again. I am sure she will return. Yes the abuse needs to stop. I will update later today/tonight. Once again, thank you for your concern and guidance. It really helps.

[pearlsw]

Wentworth and Pearl. I thank you for the insight and support. Events today are pretty fluid here. I begin to reply to this discussion here, but it escalates further. It isn't easy reasoning with a person with borderline traits, let alone a drunk one. Thankfully she has left the house again. I am sure she will return. Yes the abuse needs to stop. I will update later today/tonight. Once again, thank you for your concern and guidance. It really helps.

Hi 2020,

We are thinking of you!  You definitely cannot "reason" with a drunk person or a person whose emotions are dysregulating. At that point a safe retreat is best. I am glad you have this warehouse space to be in!

You can try, every time, your best efforts to deescalate a discussion/fight, but that won't always work given how much she may want to pursue you or how much emotion is inside her. It is not your fault. Drunk or not, these are her behavioral choices (as hard as it is for her to have self control) and she has to accept the responsibility for them.

We really want you to be safe and happy!   Thank you for keeping us updated.

take care, pearl.

[2020]

So a quick update... .but it may be long winded. I'll see how I go.
Lots of crazy stuff went down today. Just to make it clear, SHE goes to the warehouse, not I. She has been moaning on about being 'homeless' for many years now. Not contributing towards rent and bills does not mean you are homeless in my books. She went and signed a commercial lease on this warehouse, despite me pointing out the fine print that you cannot use the building as a residency. Of course this stupid decision is my fault!

Her little routine has been for the past month, to wake up here and disappear up the road. She claims my autistic son has poor hygene and she gets urinary tract infections when she has to use the toilet in this house. I clean and mop the toilet every morning, without fail. Pretty much a waste of time. You could draw water to drink from the bowl, it is that clean. She won't use it.

This morning I woke up before her, was (I thought) being affectionate. She awoke and just lay there like a corpse. Wouldn't even acknowledge me. So I asked her if she'd lake a coffee. "If I'm allowed to" was her response. After coffee she walks off up the road.

I clean up around here a bit and after reading on this site for a while, I pluck up enough courage to go up to the warehouse. I leave my computer here. I figure I'll test the waters up there first. When I arrive she has locked herself in one of the smaller offices there. She is playing a record loadly and wont open the door, so I leave.

This is when she comes back to the house drunk. I have already mentioned this part... .
Gee, now I am confused as to what went on when? I'm not even sure it is worthy of a mention. You know, we are two grown up adults here!

OK. I remember! She leaves and then comes back half an hour later. She has a huge backpack on her back with her red coat strapped to the outside. She appears suddenly at the bedroom window. I am startled. She throws the keys at me and says she is hitching to a city over 1000 miles away! She tells me to give the keys and all her belongings to her son and not to steal anything. I ask her if she would like to disucuss what is going on for her, with me, but she wont. She cries and walks off. I call after her but I don't go chasing... .yet.

After half an hour I go up to the warehouse. She obviously left a door open to get in. She is in the small office in the dark, laying on an old mattress naked. I try to hug her but she gets really angry. She punches my arm. I mention that she said she would never do that again and she says I allow my kids to behave like that. She tells me to _____ off (and don't ever come back), so I do.

So I spend the next couple of hours at home. I gather up all the empty cans and bottles here and tell my son we are going to the recycling place. He likes feeding the empty cans into the machine and cashing in the refund. But, she has decided to walk back to the house and sees us loading up the car. She is furious and tells me I have decided that my son is my wife and would rather spend time with him. I have never actually been married, but for the past four years, she accuses pretty much everyone of being my 'wife'. Yeah, it is strange! She even thinks I am in a relationship with the mother of my kids still! That ended in 2004! Well, my son is autistic. He gets really angry and picks up a rock. I yell at him to stop. He throws it at a tree then runs off inside. She is now yelling at me. I go and sort out him and she walks back to the warehouse.

So we recycle the bottles. I tell my son she is unwell and maybe he can try to understand that and not get angry. He doesn't really have much empathy for her. She did return one last time and wanted to know what MY problem was today? I found it hard not to JADE but just listened to her garbled nonsense and then she stormed off when she said I seem quite happy living in this filth with my lazy parasite kids, and I agreed with her.

I have spent the past few hours reading 40 of Red5's 69 pages of posts here! I can really relate to what he has written. I am at the point where I haven't exactly given up (Full Stop), but I am giving up some of the reactions to her dramas. I can't do the chasing anymore; well at least not to the frequency I have. Her drinking is a major issue. She's been doing that since she was 13. I just won't talk to her when she has been drinking. I will be re-establishing that boundary. And I will be making some other ones. This physical abuse and breaking things has to stop too. I am actually at the point where I am not as fearful as I was even a month ago.

I do have a therapist I see each month. I have spent the past four years discussing my relationship with him. He actually mentioned I might want to look up Dialectical Behaviour Therapy, ages ago, but the penny never dropped... .I will go and see him again in the next couple of weeks.

In the meantime I will soldier on with the... .ur, malfunctioning robot. At least I can study the manual now. Hopefully I will learn fast. Seriously though... .It is quite sad. I thought she was the woman of my dreams. I see this term "Love Bombed" used here. Well I was nuked!

I will post again, no doubt. Maybe I will make seperate topics for particular issues. I need to try and sort some things out; understand all of this, and learn.

Thank you for listening, and good luck to you all, wherever you may be.

[2020]

oh... .and I forgot this:

She came and took the pillow cases, the quilt cover and sheets on the bed, because she bought them. And she threw all my belongings out of the warehouse onto the street. I went and retrieved my wide format printer, a record player with a now freshly kicked in speaker, and a very large table. All was just dumped out onto the street. If I hadn't driven past tonight, I wouldn't have noticed it.

[pearlsw]

Hi 2020,

Oh, I am glad to hear you are reading a bit on the site and finding other members whose stories can help you with thinking through your own situation.

Thank you for the clarification on the warehouse situation! Got it!

I am sorry that it does not work so well between your partner and your son. It cannot be easy to be between two people who do not get along.

It sounds like at times she may have wished that she was married to you - and this comes out as some jealousy towards your son. Not the best form for getting you interested in such a prospect I’m sure.

What would like to see happen between you two going forward?

keep safe, pearl.

[Radcliff]

Sorry about the speaker.  For some strange reason, amidst all of this, it jumps out at me.  I suppose because destruction of property is such a silly and wasteful thing.  And actually quite personal.

It sounds like you've got your head in the right place about not chasing and getting firm with boundaries.

How have things evolved over the last four years?  Is there something recently that has caused things to deteriorate?

RC

[pearlsw]

Hi 2020,

Was thinking of your artistic inclinations and while you already seem to be using art to express some of how you see yourself and what you are feeling, I wanted to suggest you to think a bit about art therapy as a possible way to help yourself through these painful issues.

Here are some things that I wanted to share:

Art Therapy Exercises to Try at Home
https://psychcentral.com/blog/art-therapy-exercises-to-try-at-home/

100 Art Therapy Exercises
https://www.expressiveartworkshops.com/expressive-art-resources/100-art-therapy-exercises/

Perhaps where you are there are non-profits such as this that help DV survivors with healing:
https://www.charlotteobserver.com/news/local/community/university-city/article9089369.html

Lastly, here is a short video on DV and Art Therapy: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dl4poSAQkls

Although you are still in the midst of your situation, perhaps knowing of these resources can help you feel connected to a larger community of people struggling with similar issues that you face and can begin to help you envision a way out of the abuse.

sincerely, pearl.

[2020]

Thank you Pearlsw and Wentworth. I did study Art Therapy as an elective when I was an art student in the '80's. I did enjoy it. I will look at those links you have found. I was trained as an Illustrator. I have drawn pictures all my life. As a teenager I processed a lot of the mayhem in my family by drawing comics of it all. I could loose myself when I drew. I still do this. It is pretty difficult making a living with anything creative. Illustrators don't earn the money or respect they once had in the 50's or 60's. Added to this is my (self imposed?) role as a full time carer. Doesn't make a career easy.

So with this current relationship issue... .I met her ten years ago. She pretty much smothered me with compliments. I was at such a low point in my life, and she was so kind and so very beautiful. I actually couldn't understand why she would even talk to an 'F' up like me. Pretty soon we were spending time together on a daily basis. There was nothing sexual for a long time... years. I tried to kiss her once but she pushed me away saying, "I don't do Relation-Sh1ts". I was desperate for even a friend so we just hung out together. Sometimes we ended up in bed together but I was too fearful to touch her. In time this changed, but the moment it did, she told me that it cannot ever happen again. Yet it did. So really for about five or six years it was a friendship, with occasional benefits, for want of a better term. It was a very strange time. Our pattern in the past would be spending weeks or months every day together, followed by a random text message to me at 2am: "You are a stuck up, f___ed up piece of _____!" She'd stop all contact with me. I'd never know what I had done wrong. It was heart breaking.

Around four years ago she went off the rails quite badly. Had lost her job as a Youth Worker and was living in her car. Then she got a home to rent but had virtually no income to afford it. She was shoplifting groceries at a supermarket when I saw her after one of these silent treatment episodes. I went around to see her the next day. I started taking meals over to help her out so she wouldn't feel compelled to steal. Then she had one of her hating me episodes and she stopped answering my calls or knocks on her door.

My mother died a few months later of cancer. It was a very difficult time. I was in bed one day and decided to text her. I thought she might understand as her mother died when she was young. Both her parents had died actually. She rang me back and said she had a breakdown, ended up in a psych ward and was now living with her sister, about a 2 hour or so drive away. She was very empathetic and urged me to visit her. A week later she asked me to go and visit, so I drove up. I stayed the night; slept on the couch. I went up again a week later and we slept together. I'm not sure what happened... .I just kissed her and told her I loved her. She said she loved me too. And a week or two after that, she moved into my place.

This story is getting a bit off track now, so I'll get to the point.  After about a month of being together, as a couple this time, she accused me of still being in a relationship with my ex. I was shocked! I had such a miserable life with the mother of my children. She knows this. I couldn't understand why she would say that. And to this very day, this is the primary No1 weapon she will torture me with. I have JADE-ed about this way too much! It is an outlandish statement. Yes, I was in an abusive relationship for 16 years- some people are. But that was over in 2004 and ten years had past. Yet I will never live this mistake down. She accuses me of being married, which I have never been. And she is convinced I am in a sexual relationship with my ex to this day. This is totally untrue. I do not even know where my ex lives exactly. It is on a remote island I believe, about 5 hours away from here. The good news is: I don't need to JADE about this anymore! I have totally neutralised that one!

Apart from the above, the other noticeable thing which has happened over the past four years has been me adjusting to her outbursts. It has all come to a head. I have been controlled to the point where I cannot even speak to my children without her calling me names or accusing me of having paralysis tick children. She calls my youngest son who is autistic, a mongoloid. I cannot take him to the shops. Dropping him at school is problematic. I cannot even drop him at a bus stop to travel to his mother once a year because last time I did this, she bent the iPad I bought her in half. She looks though my emails and if she sees something which she feels threatened by, she will leave it on the screen for me to find and she will sneak away to a park to get drunk.

There have been numerous 'suicide' cutting up/pill popping episodes, so many I have lost count. I don't think she realises I had sixteen years or wrestling knives from the hand of a raging woman before her. Nothing like this will shock me, or maybe I am shellshocked?

Today I went to see her at the warehouse. First attempt she wasn't there, or was hiding, which she does. Second attempt I spoke to her. Nothing too heavy, just asked her how she was feeling etc. She blamed me for making her act the way she does. She told me she hated me. She doesn't want to see me, hear me, smell me. She told me to go. I said I was saddened to hear she felt like this but would leave and come back in two hours. She said I should never come back. The last thing I mentioned to her was to speak to me if she felt she she wanted to or if I could do anything to help. I said I would return tomorrow. Then I left.

So I have had a night alone. It is 1.20am here and I should go to bed. I have seen this pattern often. It has been going on since I have known her. In an average year she will spend some time in hospital from laying down in the road in front of traffic, or cutting her wrists. It's pretty sad and worrysome. Tonight I have had some peace. I have not gone nuts chasing her. I feel quite OK, all things considering. I actually think something major is changing inside me. This dynamic is shifting now... .

Sorry for the long rant. Hopefully someone can learn from this as I do from reading stuff here. Again, I appreciate your compassion. I am not so alone anymore.

[Radcliff]

Thank you for sharing so much of your story.

Can you tell us more about what is shifting inside you?  How are you changing?

WW

[pearlsw]

Thank you Pearlsw and Wentworth. I did study Art Therapy as an elective when I was an art student in the '80's. I did enjoy it. I will look at those links you have found.

The good news is: I don't need to JADE about this anymore! I have totally neutralised that one!

She calls my youngest son who is autistic, a mongoloid.

There have been numerous 'suicide' cutting up/pill popping episodes, so many I have lost count. I don't think she realises I had sixteen years or wrestling knives from the hand of a raging woman before her. Nothing like this will shock me, or maybe I am shellshocked?

Hopefully someone can learn from this as I do from reading stuff here. Again, I appreciate your compassion. I am not so alone anymore.

Hi 2020,

Oh, glad to hear you have some experience with art therapy! I love to make art too, it takes you to a whole other realm like nothing else can.

I am glad to hear that not JADE-ing worked for you on this issue. Keep it up! It is simply not reality so no sense in re-litigating that kind of thing endlessly.

Oh my! There has been quite a lot with suicidal behaviors on her part. Sounds like you are able to remain pretty calm, but careful not to end up numbed out by all this. Your emotions matter. You matter.

To get clear, do you consider her a girlfriend at this point? A friend? Not sure really how to classify it?

Does your son hear the horrible names she is calling him? Is this affecting him a lot too?

take care, pearl.

[2020]

So yesterday I had some success in managing the drama around me. I went down to the warehouse around midday. I listened to what she had to say. She was still quite hurt. I validated what she was saying, even though some of it seemed exagerated. That worked. At times her speech was all over the place; from raking up things from years ago, to saying there is no point in dreaming of any future with me because I am married to my 'wife' and adult children. It isn't easy validating on the spot, but it has slowed our dialogue down. I have to pause to think more. In a way it isn't all that different from what I have been doing for years; editing what I tell her in order to keep the peace.

I am thinking that the things I can do about this are not to JADE, and to validate. Also, I am going to set boundaries. This might take some practice for me as I have been a doormat most of my life. Yesterday I told her that if she was rude or violent, I will remove myself. Her reaction was that is because I am a squid, that I run away because we have 'difficult conversations', and that it is called 'avoidance'. I told her she can see it that way if she wants, but this is what I will be doing. I am not being around bad behaviour. This caused her to errupt somewhat and I heard how I can't even set boundaries with my kids. I managed to change the subject and we drove to a park and had a picnic which was pleasant.

She insisted that I caused all of this. That I was three (it was two originally) hours arriving at the warehouse to work. That I abandoned her. I do need to be absolutely punctual and clear about times. This is an ongoing issue and there are things I can do to change this. As for the work; I am the one doing the hard slog at the moment, totally dedicated to her dream, her business plan. I am drafting and will be printing her dress making patterns to sell. And while I am capable of churning out a design a day, it is her melt downs which set everything back days or weeks. I actually said yesterday that I won't be drawing her patterns for a while as I am going to focus on my own illustration work. I also build analog synthesizers and drum machines (self taught) and need to focus more on that. She didn't like this at all, but I will be focusing on myself and what I want to do. I feel like I have totally neglected my own desires over the past four years. I am happy to have shared dreams with her but it is difficult to maintain hope when she scuttles the ship every week.

Today I have a 'steady as she goes' approach. She stayed here at the house last night. Wouldn't enter via the door as my kids were up. Maybe she feels scared or shame? Her son came around this morning and she has gone for a coffee with him... .which gives me time here to study!

Yes, I do consider her to be a girlfriend. I hope to be with her for the rest of my life, (but not with things like they are). Look, we are an odd, eccentric 'arty' couple, maybe a bit weird, but we are both decent people. It is a shame we don't get along as we do have a lot in common. From what I have read here it will be a tough road ahead.

The best of luck to all of you!

[Turkish]

Dip you think that you might be doing so much that it might be triggering her shame? Despite the communicated desires, explicit or implicit,  I picked up that it might have been the case with both my ex and also later my mother.

With my ex,  I might have communicated that I didn't need her. With my mother,  I was flat out enabling her my rescuing her financially and once to get rid of a family whom she had moved onto her property, that relationship going to hell eventually. 

[Radcliff]

That's excellent that you're firm on boundaries.  Taking care of your own needs is necessary to make a relationship with a pwBPD sustainable.  I'm glad to hear that you're committed to spending more time on your own creative endeavors.  It sounds like you draw energy from that.  One of the things we can do to make life difficult for ourselves is to shield our pwBPD from the natural consequences of their actions.  If they go off the rails on a project, and we work overtime to make it come out right anyway, then there's no cost to them going off the rails.  If you are splitting time between your design work and hers, then your time becomes more valuable.  In an deal world, how would you like to balance time between your work for you and for her?

You mentioned validation, but that there were some things she was exaggerating.  How did you handle this?  Were there times when you found yourself validating more than you thought was reasonably valid?

RC

[2020]

Thank you both for your replies. I do go overboard in helping people, particularly her. I need to watch this as I can see what you are saying, Turkish. She does tell me she doesn't need my help. From what I can gather over the past couple of weeks reading here, I see a lot of kind, giving people, who have relationships with partners who have these BPD traits. The more they go off the rails, the higher we jump. I think we need to be mindfull of this. There is a point where helping is maybe not helping.

As for her exaggerations, false allegations, and delusions... .I think I need to not take them literally. If I saw them as poetry or metaphores, then I wouldn't be so hurt by them. For example, when she accused me of having sex over the river with two prostitutes for $50, when actually I was picking up my son from school and we bought him a can of spray paint... .maybe that really means, when I am late she feels abandoned and really hurt. Maybe these things they say which we know have no basis on reality, are simply extreme indicators of something else? Or maybe that is just me trying not to take these insults to heart? I think I need to read between the lines.

It is interesting, they get these nice people who go over the top to look after and rescue them, and they treat them like crap. I can't help feeling sorry for her. It isn't a good way to be, but I do need to think about myself. The past few months have been the worst this has got. Since finding this site and having the penny drop, I am less confused and feel a sense of relief. I think the answer is we need to change ourselves. Maybe they will change in the process? Maybe not? Either way, it wasn't working the way things were.

[Turkish]

. I can't help feeling sorry for her

Years later, and I probably shouldn't have said this,  but I offered that both I and they guy she left me for got into relationships with her to rescue her from her feelings."

"So that was what you guys did, rescue me?"

For me,  she feeling unloved due to being cheated upon,  sexually used later,  then abandoned by the guy she desired to be her husband despite all of that. 

For him,  rescuing the "unloved [by me] waif."

I said it better than that,  then deflected the conversation.  I triggered her feelings that she wasn't lovable by herself as she was though I think I was accurate. 

A pwBPD feels that since their feelings are inherently worthless and don't matter,  then they are inherently worthless and don't matter.  It's easy for people to trigger these feelings,  resulting in drama (acting out pain).

[Radcliff]

This thread has be continued to:
Twice bitten: so many false accusations I'm losing touch with reality (part 3)