Reaction immediately following a compliment

[earthgirl]

This has happened several times in the last few months, and I am wondering if it's happened to anyone else, or if anyone has any insight.  My husband has gotten so, so much better in the last year.  There are times when it is such a relief, and I am so happy because there are these little moments where it almost seems like we are able to have a conversation just like a normal couple.  BUT:  if I say something like, "I am so glad we can discuss (fill in the blank) these days -- it's been a difficult topic for us in the past," he IMMEDIATELY, as in, within the next 60 seconds, gets angry about the topic we are discussing.  Needless to say, I've stopped saying it.  I just can't figure it out... .it's not like I was saying, "You're so much better than you used to be," or anything like that... .I am careful to state that WE are able to talk about a topic we've had trouble with, so there's no blame or finger pointing.  Has anyone else experienced this, or does anyone have any idea what is going on?

[once removed]

he IMMEDIATELY, as in, within the next 60 seconds, gets angry about the topic we are discussing.

can you tell us more? how does he get angry, what does he say? what sort of topics?

[earthgirl]

I will use an example from the last time it happened.  We were discussing a social justice issue, one that has been a "hot button" for us -- we do not see eye-to-eye on it.  I've learned not to bring it up, and even to try to change the subject if he brings it up -- it never ends well for us.  This last time it came up, and he seemed to be really balanced and calm and wanting to discuss the topic, so we did, for about 5 minutes.  It went really well.  When we were done, I made the statement that I mentioned above, about how well the conversation went for us, when it had been a problem before.  Then, and only then, he went back and picked out a statement I'd made during the conversation and got upset about it, and said I was judging him, that I thought I was superior to him, that I thought he wasn't good enough, etc., etc.  I had said none of those things, nor implied them, and the conversation had gone just fine, with us agreeing to disagree on our respective viewpoints, and actually validating each other during the conversation.  But all that just all fell apart and he went back to it to insert the weird, ugly personal attack AFTER I observed how well the conversation went.

[once removed]

hm. so far, its hard to say.

are politics and social issues touchy subjects between the two of you? do you generally disagree? does he do this with other stuff?

[earthgirl]

Once removed, EVERYTHING is a touchy subject between us, haha.  Eggshells, etc.  Although, as I said, things are so much better than they used to be.  The social justice thing is just an example; it seems to be a pattern no matter what I am pointing out.  The time before that, we were in a crisis situation (we were evacuating due to a forest fire) and after it was over, I mentioned how calm and orderly he'd been throughout it all, unlike me... .I had been nervous and upset. Literally one minute after I made that observation, he completely blew up at me about something silly (being in the way when he was trying to move something).  I don't know... .it's like he's reminded of how things once were, and just the reminder is somehow enough to trigger the behavior.  Or something like that. 

[once removed]

hes a JADEr!

maybe he feels analyzed when observations are made, good or bad, and over compensates? some people push back on praise.

[LivingWBPDWife]

This is very common behavior. The amount of effort to just have a conversation about anything is exhausting with my BPDw. She has the same trigger, you ask a question, give a compliment, ask for clarification, RAGE ensues.

Lately, her new thing is when she says something, she doesn't make sense, misspeaks, says the wrong thing, and then I ask to clarify. Example:

Me: What time will you be home, I need the car?
Her: I will be home at 6pm.

Me: Umm, I need it at 3pm, I have a meeting, can you come back earlier, or can we work something out?
Her: RAGE, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!

Me: Excuse me, you just said you would be home at 6pm, that's too late, I was asking if we could compromise... .
Her: MORE RAGE -- F U, I hate you, I am so tired of you, I want a divorce. You know what I mean, I meant 3pm!

Me: Please don't insult me, threaten me, or say things like that, I can't read your mind, I am sorry. I simply responded to what you said, and tried to work out a compromise.
Her: Why are you still talking to me? I wish you would just die. I can't wait to divorce you.


This nonsense pervades EVERY minute of every day now. Very similar to what you are going thru, the bottom line is ANY communication can trigger BPDs, phrases, words, you name it. There's not much you can do other then don't do "it". In my case, I simply can't talk to my wife, any comment, question, follow up, whatever, could set her off into a rage. I am at my wits end really.

I stay only for my daughter (4) since a divorce with this maniac would cause more damage, just sucks. I want so bad to have a civil conversation with her, get along, but its impossible. This illness is horrible, and she has the whole world fooled. If they could only see her at home...

[Red5]

There are times when it is such a relief, and I am so happy because there are these little moments where it almost seems like we are able to have a conversation just like a normal couple.  

BUT... .

Good Morning earthgirl!

As I've moved through this marriage to my u/BPD wife... .and experienced so many of her negative behaviors, .and then stumbled (quite literally) upon BPD, as a cause (probable)... .I've come to learn much, ie' how to exist, how to communicate, how to practice avoidance [behaviors] with her... .

As the time has passed, and we fought like tigers and bears... .each time I would learn something new about her... .how she is "wired", how she "behaves"... .

All that said, and after reading your thread, I will say this... .as you describe, I too would "fall into the comfort zone" with my u/BPD wife... .and it would not be too long until I once again got the "rug pulled from under me".

So I have learnt to edit each and everything I say to her, what I share with her... .yes, everything!

It has taken a long time to develop this communication skill to be able to "coexist" with my udx wife... .oh' yes, lots of "operational experience"... .very painful, and perplexing until I learned to do this.

I've learned that she is not able to process, or else be able to appropriately handle, respond... when something, shall we say "controversial" comes up... .so I "just don't".

Life is much easier for me this way, albeit not an ideal situation... .sans the "soul mate", "best friend" aspects of a marriage... .but its just not worth the resulting conflagration if I were to be completely "open" with her.

So I "guard" everything I say to her... .share with her... .resultant in; I do not let myself be "at rest' around her to a great deal... .I have come to understand; that I must be ever vigilant to her moods, and what's coming around the bend so to speak... ."on guard",

My udx wife is a very fragile person emotionally, as we know BPD'ers are (?)... .but if she gets "set off", .then she is, can be like; Godzilla on Tokyo!

So I keep off her triggers, and keep volatile information away from her.

Sometimes this is a "Catch22" however, .and sometimes the judgement call has to be made whether or not to "let it happen" or not.

Kind regards, Red5

[Cat Familiar]

I’ve experienced similar issues, earthgirl. I think what sets your husband off is when you go “meta” and analyze the interaction you just had with him from an analytical perspective.

This may be threatening to him because he fears your insight looking deeply into him. PwBPD have a tremendous shame burden that they carry and they are afraid of being “exposed” for their imperfections.

Best that you keep the analysis to yourself, even though you meant it as a positive affirmation.

[earthgirl]

I'm glad to hear it has happened with others.  And yes, Cat Familiar, what you said makes sense, about the "why" of it.  And after the last time, I made a note that it joined the (very long) list of Things I Can't Talk About. 

[once removed]

maybe try other ways of positive reinforcement. if youre feeling good about how a conversation went, dont say it directly, just show some love in some way.

what do you think?

[earthgirl]

maybe try other ways of positive reinforcement. if youre feeling good about how a conversation went, dont say it directly, just show some love in some way.

what do you think?

I think this is a great idea, Once Removed.  I like it a lot.  I want to reinforce the behavior -- obviously, I want it to continue.  I will try this instead -- actions, instead of words.  Get him to link up something really positive with these good moments (other than the moments themselves, which are incredibly positive.)  Sex comes to mind, haha.   

[once removed]

Sex comes to mind, haha.   

its not a bad idea. people can use it in dysfunctional ways, like anything else, but sex bonds.

in whatever you do, be fun. be upbeat. above all, be sincere.

[AskingWhy]

I’ve experienced similar issues, earthgirl. I think what sets your husband off is when you go “meta” and analyze the interaction you just had with him from an analytical perspective.

This may be threatening to him because he fears your insight looking deeply into him. PwBPD have a tremendous shame burden that they carry and they are afraid of being “exposed” for their imperfections.

Best that you keep the analysis to yourself, even though you meant it as a positive affirmation.

My uBPD/uNPD H has said to me that he has hidden parts of himself that he cannot share with me, and I suspect they are the BPD issues.  Deep down inside, he knows his FOO is horridly dysfunction from his parents to his siblings and their childen, and he feels the shame--shame from the way his father treated his mother, shame from the poverty he was raised in.

Do to this insecurity, H will go from 0 to 60 in seconds when he thinks I am making a personal insult or attack, which I am not. He has the thinnest of emotional skins.   Maybe from the years of working with children and adolescents (and we all know how they can be) have given me a tough skin.

I keep my knowledge of his BPD to myself due to the eventuality of a divorce.   BIll Eddy, who wrote the divroce guide for nons called, "Splitting," advises against telling a spouse or suggesting he/ she has BPD.

[Enabler]

I like the idea of sex as well... .or closeness. Show him don't tell him.

The things about praising comments is that it could highlight in a distorted thinking perspective that at other times things were not so good, especially if the praised was personalised in some way... .like ' I'm so glad that YOU can have these kinds of conversations with me without flipping out now' (extreme example). pwBPD are hypersensitive to ANY suggestion that they were 'wrong' in the past or present. It triggers defensive attack mechanisms.

Showing someone is far more powerful and in fact safer for the relationship than words. It's unspoken as well, meaning there is a sub-conscious link more than a conscious link. "if I speak nicely to her, listen to her and see the grey in our discussions... .we have naked cuddles at the end... .if I flip out... .we sleep in separate bedrooms". Something as subtle as a kiss at the end of these types of connections is probably enough. If he asks why, you just say "because", and nothing more. He will soon learn.

Avoid judgement.

Enabler