I love him to bits. I'm drained and suffocated

[Alona76]

Just drained and feel overwhelmed. It seems my partner has BPD but now even this has resulted in demanding even more of my time and attention alongside still finding things wrong with everything I do . But now I also have to try responding in the best way possible when being criticized for minor things And constant texting and arguing I literally am constantly cracking eggs cannot even focus on anything other than him and his needs now and if I try to I’m uncaring ! On the flip side he is clever funny loving caring and I love him to bits. But the blame and criticism is non stop and I do innocent minor things to upset him all the time that make him go on and on and cause arguments out the blue i never  know when it will happen I just know it will and I’m constantly trying to give 110% more than I really can just to avoid this but he just wants more from me no matter what I do I’m exhausted . I am not naive or stupid and have good insight into things but because this seems unintentional I’m struggling to understand what is going on

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Panda39]

Hi Alona76,

Welcome to the BPD Family  I'm so glad you've found us.

First of all what you are describing does sound very familiar, I think you will find that you have things in common with many of the members here.  I hope you will read the posts of others and explore the site as you have time.

When I first discovered BPD I went to my local library and read everything they had on the subject.  I found that really helpful to get a good grounding in what BPD is.

Below are a couple of books that I found particularly good... .

Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder by Paul Mason MS, Randi Kreger

and

Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder: A Family Guide for Healing and Change by Valerie Porr, M.A.

I've also pulled information on "The Dos and Don'ts of a BPD Relationship" I thought that might be a good place for you to start (just click the link below)

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62266.0

So a few questions to get to know your situation better... .Has your partner been officially diagnosed?  Do you live together? Separately? Are either of you receiving therapy?

I'm sorry I haven't more time to chat... .got to go to work, but I know other members will be along soon.

Hang in there and keep visiting us here, I know you will find support, tools, strategies, and information that can improve your situation. You are not alone in this.

Take Care
Panda39

[Alona76]

Hi panda
Thank you so much for your reply and the did and the dos and donts  was interesting and helped.  No no formal diagnosis but seems to meet most criteria  but not others as he does have empathy and doesn’t talk about suicide or anything like that and isn’t aggressive to me . But massive sensitivity emotional dysregulation fear of abandonment overreacting to time changes . Even down to it being my fault that I could not remember a film I watched or my body language or I wasn’t responsive enough to a compliment given.
We don’t live together only been together 5 months but it’s getting worse . I’m exhausted he seems to have got even worse and expects more since realising what this is too snd that was only couple weeks ago.

[Alona76]

No one having therapy yet but he is open to it and went docs on his own.  I said I would go with him but then he felt better so was thinking he wouldn’t go then tried to ask if I would go with him last minute but I needed to focus on my kids then he went on his own which is my fault because I wasn’t there for him at his time of need . I can see he is impacting on me every tim I try to set time aside that doesn’t involve him  he has to sabotage it but I genuinely feel he doesn’t want to and is very sorry after and then self blames and feels bad .

[Panda39]

The BPD person in my life is also undiagnosed but boy does the shoe fit.

... .then he went on his own which is my fault because I wasn’t there for him at his time of need .

This is FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) or emotional blackmail.  Your kids are your priority as they should be.  He didn't commit to going so you made other plans.  That is not a crime and does not make you a bad person... .it makes you someone with their own life.  He chose to go on his own and that is fine... .there is no "fault" here.
  
More on FOG... .https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

I can see he is impacting on me every time I try to set time aside that doesn’t involve him  he has to sabotage it but I genuinely feel he doesn’t want to and is very sorry after and then self blames and feels bad .

This is about boundaries... .he is boundary busting when he sabotages things that don't involve him.  In my opinion it is very important that you maintain your boundaries otherwise you can get sucked into his dysfunctional behaviors.  

More on boundaries... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167368.0

Panda39

[Alona76]

Thank you panda I’ll look at those links. I just flipped tonight I feel different . I still love him but no patience , no sympathy or maybe even no empathy I sound cold but I feel like I’m past caring but heart broke too . I don’t want to end it with him but it feels like j can’t cope with him there is no break. Thank you for your words because tbh  the fog and boundary busting I can relate to that . I don’t actually fear him he is not violent to me but obligation and guilt and fear of upsetting him definitely and I’m not someone who likes to upset people. But I will if it’s a toss up between me going under mentally or not or being manipulated but it is so exhausting and unnecessary that’s what pisses me off it could be nice there was no need fot any of the arguments because they are all figments of his imagination it based on over sensitivity . Again thank you xx

[once removed]

I just flipped tonight I feel different . I still love him but no patience , no sympathy or maybe even no empathy I sound cold but I feel like I’m past caring but heart broke too .

theres an awful lot happening, and a great deal to process. give yourself time to digest some of it.

But I will if it’s a toss up between me going under mentally or not or being manipulated but it is so exhausting

youre right, thats a no win situation. it doesnt have to be between those things. the tools here can really help give you emotional space, help you cope and navigate, and lead your relationship into healthier territory, or in the worst case scenario, have a healthier, smoother landing.

i remember what a relief it was for me to learn about the disorder. how recently did you learn about it, and what led you here?

im glad you reached out. it helps to talk.

[Radcliff]

It sounds like the demands of the relationship place a lot of pressure on you.  The fact that you don't live together gives you a good way to get some space to recharge your batteries.  The best way to cut back on unhealthy exposure sometimes is to spend some more time on other activities.  Are you connected to friends you can go out with?  Are there other relaxing activities you can increase for a bit?

RC