Help Love of my life, but he can't stop splitting and coming back...

[furiosa8899]

 

I've been with my bf with BPD for a year. He's not currently in treatment, but he's dabbled in it in the past and is open to it when he's not freaking out. We've spent a majority of the time in love and happy, but it's also a typically BPD one and he's been splitting a lot over the past month. He's broken up with me several times over the year. Two big ones that lasted a couple weeks and a few that didn't even last at day, especially because I knew they were BS. It started with fear of abandonment, which made him very clingy, which I didn't mind because I loved every second with him. That was followed by his fear of engulfment, which made him flip and be like "this is too much." It was more like the closer I got and the more I understood his actions, the more he freaked out because he doesn't even understand them. He accuses me of "playing therapist" whenever I try to resolve something. You know the drill.

He gets triggered by outside factors so easily these days and I know when he's dis-regulated, he can't keep track of his feelings or emotions. He loves me, but lately will barely even say it and is blaming me for every problem he has. He's in one of those states where he's like "I'm an ass, why do you bother with me? You can do better." He truly believes it, so he's pushing me away again.

I don't tolerate name-calling or lashing out and calmly tell him so, but lately, he's not even trying to say "I'm sorry" out loud. He just does it in kind gestures, but won't talk about it. For me, I always believe that actions speak louder than words, but I kinda need him to say it now. I know this is wishful thinking.

Expressing my needs or feelings seem like attacks to him and I'm accused of being clingy when, for the longest time, it was the other way around. I try SET, which works sometimes and annoys him other times. He's defensive and I sense that he's giving up hope. However, he can't stand it if I'm away for more than a day. I know this could be an inability to be alone, but he actually likes to be alone from time to time. He has told me before "I can't let you go, you have to be the one to do it," but I can't do it either because when I look at him, I just see the man I love in pain. I can see it in his eyes that he's confused and scared, like an animal trapped in a corner. I know his anger isn't personal or even my fault and though it doesn't make it hurt less, it feels like abandoning him when he's in crisis.

A lot of my friends and loved ones tell me I'm the type of person who can handle or survive anything, as I've been through some pretty tough times and traumas in my life, but I always bounce back stronger and smarter through therapy and radical honesty with myself. However, this is kind of breaking me. I want to be there for him and support him when he's down, but I am also recognizing the toll it's taking on me. He's becoming the center of my world for the wrong reasons. I know I have the fortitude to help people I love through hard times, but I can't seem to do anything right to him these days. I also realize that I might be getting swindled here and I'm just here until he finds a new and exciting replacement. I have no proof and that's only based off of what I've read about BPD, but it's over if that's the case. I'm no "back-burner" girl.

I know his brain does not work like mine, so this is my last ditch effort to understand how I can help him before I totally lose myself in this. So what do I do? Do I insist I'm not going anywhere? Do I take space for both of us and hope he doesn't split for good? How do I let him know I'm here for him when he's pushing me away, but admits he doesn't want to? Is this whole thing moot and I should walk away?

If anyone has had any success with working through this, please let me know. I know he needs to get help, but I can't even approach the topic when he's this raw. Is there anything I can do to help him before I throw in the towel for good? I really, really don't want to do that, but there's only so many times you can get pushed away before you stay there, you know?

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[once removed]

hi furiosa8899, and

theres a great deal in your story i think a lot of us can relate to and understand. im glad you reached out, and i hope youll stick around, a strong support system and a sense of belonging to a community are really a must in these relationships.

are the two of you currently broken up, and if so, what led to it? if not, when was the last time?

[furiosa8899]

Thank you so much.

He last broke up with me almost two weeks ago, but the next night, was asking me to go on a date with him. He does it while in these triggered rages and I know not to give into them. What triggered it this time is I reached out to some of my friends about being depressed. His friends saw a social media post of mine and assumed we broke up (it wasn't about him and never named him, just general depression). He said we may as well break up.

Right now, it just feels weird. Like one day is good, the next is bad, the next is good all day and ends bad. It's been so up and down in a way I've never experienced that I have no idea what to do. One second, he's emotionally checked out and the next, he's right there next to me. I think neither of us know what to do.

[once removed]

it sounds like breakup threats are a go to/coping mechanism for him. in time, and in times of calm, you will want to work to nip that in the bud, because even if its just for a few hours or a day, its damaging to a relationship, and its hurtful to you. i speak from experience, as my ex and i did it to each other a lot.

but you wont be able to do that over night.

in reading your post, it does sound like there is some push/pull going on, and its hard to find a stable, middle ground.

you mentioned that he accuses you of being clingy and attacks you for it, or that he will break up with you saying "this is too much". can you tell us more about the back and forth there, what he says, what you say, some examples?

what do you say when he asks why you bother with him?

[furiosa8899]

It's definitely a coping mechanism for him. He's admitted to doing it in past relationships. His friends know that he breaks up with girlfriends multiple times, so even they never trust it's over.

He only likes to be affectionate and physical on his terms. I'm fine with physical boundaries because I deal with the trauma from sexual abuse, so I don't mind if he needs space. However, if I tell him I wish he would communicate something or if I hug him when he's not feeling it, he gets upset about the "clingy side" of me. It's now made him perceive any simple actions like texting "hey, whatcha up to tonight" or behaving like we normally do when things are fine. All things point to signs of my "neediness," when really, it's just normal communication. Trying to express how his actions affect me is "needy." Spending the night every night is fine until one night, he decides is "suffocating." Then I try to go back to my place for the night and he's like "hey... .you can come over if you want." (He never says  "I want you to come over" because he has told me in the past that he feels rejected, even if I have a reasonable answer for not being able to.)

He's getting worse at trying to express why. Every time it starts to feel stable again, I brace myself because I know he's about to ruin it. It's almost like whenever things get too good, he has to ruin it. He lets things like stresses at work and with his family become a reason to be like "YOU'RE DRIVING ME CRAZY," just because I asked him how he's doing. Sometimes, he looks like he's clearly in pain and I ask "what's going on?" I've mostly stopped doing that because he gets upset when I do and says I'm irritating him. I think it's pretty normal to be concerned about your loved one's well-being and I don't ask him on a basis that's unreasonable.

But the moment it seems like I'm pulling away, he has to sit with his guilt about it and it roasts him. Then he wants to see me. I think he wants validation that I'm not leaving, but he's not sure if he wants to be with me or not. It's driving me insane. I tell him I love him and list all the reasons why, but he denies it flat out. He has told me before that if I love him, there's probably something wrong with me. That's how much he hates himself- he can't trust people who would love him. He talks about how he's and not worth the trouble. Sometimes, I just don't play into it, but it's hard not to when I know that's truly how he feels about himself.

Part of me wants to give him (and myself) some space for a few days. Ride out the stress and reset. However, the other part of me knows about BPD and wonders if he'll feel abandoned and split me. I feel like I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't.

[FaithfulInLove]

Hello furiosa8899,
this story reminds me of my own situation so much, it hurts me reading it!
I can see how much pain you must be in right now... .it really is the same with my expartner with BPD and if I knew a solution, I'd tell you about it, unfortunately I haven't found one myself... .

I'm sending strength to you... .I think we you want these to be healthy relationships we must let them decide and come to us... .
I understand the feeling of abandoning him in crisis, but maybe the space is what he needs to find out what he actually wants... .

I think about reassuring my expartner for one last time and - if I can - letting him go then and giving him time to think... .Pressure from our side won't help is what I think. I am going through this break up for more than a year.

Faithful

[furiosa8899]

Thank you so much for the thoughtful reply.

I'm thinking about doing that. I'm planning on getting out of town for a few days. Feels like the perfect time to say "I'm not going anywhere, but you should take a little time to figure out what you want." This back and forth is too much for me. You can't build anything on something that feels like it's going to crumble every few days.

If he lines up replacements or splits me, then I have my answer. I'm fully prepared for this to not be the outcome I'm hoping for, but I can hope for the best.

[Radcliff]

It's good that you feel OK getting away for some personal time.

You said that you being away is a chance for him to figure out what he wants.  Based on your experience with him, is this likely to happen?

RC

[once removed]

"I'm not going anywhere, but you should take a little time to figure out what you want."

i would be careful in this approach.

its valid, it can even be healthy, to be resigned to the idea that your situation is not sustainable.

the pattern here, however, is make up/breakup cycles. thus far, he has not figured out what he wants, and i dont know how likely that is to change soon.

that statement above could be a self fulfilling prophecy, where it might be more effective to clearly state that you are committed if he is, but that the current situation is not sustainable for you, and act accordingly.

otherwise, what happens if he walks away then comes back?