Divorced mom of 24yo daughter with BPD - Exhausted

[Meredith0711]

Hello,

I am new to this site and have never posted to a board before.

I am a 55yo divorced mom who has been raising my 24 yo daughter on my own the last 8 years and I am exhausted. She lives at home with me and attends college.

My daughter was formally diagnosed with BPD, among other disorders at the Menninger Clinic in Houston in 2010. She continued DBT therapy after discharge and throughout high school.

Since that time, although on medication, her BPD behaviors have been unrelenting. Her emotional dysregulation occurs daily. She engages in risky behaviors including alcohol abuse and sexual promiscuity (since high school that resulted in expulsion and treatment at Menninger) She cannot maintain healthy friendships or relationships. Her last long term relationship was with heroin addict that ended in abuse and a trip to the ER.

My exhusband (a physician) and her adoptive father left in early 2011 shortly after diagnosis and openingly stated to me that he did not want anything to do with her. I have been the only support in her life and now I am weary.

I live with constant anxiety that whatever I say or do is wrong. I am told I am wrong, crazy, etc. She lies about her whereabouts and who she is with. She is impulsive and manipulative. The details of her behaviors are complex and too extensive to describe here.

I guess I write today seeking validation. I feel I have done everything for her to heal and succeed and she cannot stop herself. I am sad and fearful for her future. I have no extended family. I am basically alone in my head and need perspective.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[bluek9]

Welcome  Meredith0711,

   Please know you are welcome her, you are not alone, you are not crazy, and you are not wrong!    You touch my heart, this could have been my first post. I've been here for some time now and I can tell you this is the place to find support and encouragement.
   I too am a single parent 60, my D is 36 has lived with all her life. The weariness of exhaustion is awful and so very hard to over come when you are alone with no outside support (family, spouse, friends). Our stories are so similar in so many ways. You don't even have to explain the details of her behaviors, I can guess, I already know. My D has run the gamet, drugs, men, sex, stealing, lying, manipulating, you name it. The comment you made "she cannot stop herself" SO TRUE. That very aspect alone was the hardest one for me to come to terms with. No matter how much I did, how much I learned, how much I loved on her, she can't stop herself. That is the very nature of this mental illness BPD. Not to long ago I thought maybe if she understands her own illness it will help her to change herself. To my chagrin it didn't work that way. My D knows she is ill, she takes her meds., see's the psychiatrist. But literally she is unable to comprehend what she needs to change. It hurts my heart to know how much she suffers inside her own head.
    Meredith 0711,       I'm here for you. This is a long road we find ourselves on, it is not for the weak of heart. Take encouragement there is always hope. Right now my D is stable. That may not last very long but, I'll take it. I have no one, so I come here for what I need. You will find that too my friend.

[Meredith0711]

Hi BlueK9,

Thank you for your warm reception.

I am grateful for your insightful comments about your journey. It too has been my journey --- almost exactly.

I thought (and still do) if I work harder, learn more, provide therapy and medication, limit my behaviors, provide financial support and love more I could/can make her better or at least functional in life. I can save her from herself. I can assure her a better future than her her past. But I have come to believe that this is foolish and I must abandon those hopes and dreams for her. This is so hard and has left me feeling empty. It is like a death and I am mourning for this loss.

 Your statement, "literally she is unable to comprehend what she needs to change", is so true. I weep when I think about it. My heart goes out to you! That truth is nearly unbearable.

My daughter is near graduation from nursing school in May. I am hoping she gets there. Everyday is a struggle.

Thank you for your support and encouragement and I look forward to our future conversations.

[LoveOnTheRocks]

Hi Meredith:  Seeing you post is like looking at a future picture of what I might say.  My DD is 18 (will be 19 in less than a month).  Everything you've stated about your daughter fits the description of mine, except where they were diagnosed and the amount of time spend doing DBT. Mine is just now wanting (desperately) to go to college, and insists it be as far away from home as possible (she believes this will be better for her, and everyone in our family believes this will make her BPD behaviors more convenient for her).  We aren't necessarily fighting her on this, because any bit of pushing on my end causes her to push back even harder on hers.  I have let my ideas of what and how her life will be go in favor of just allowing the one day at a time, one good day if possible, at a time, happen. 
My daughter started showing signs/symptoms at age 1.  As our psychological field doesn't allow any diagnosis before 18, we hadn't even heard of BPD until middle last year.  We did therapy the entire time she was growing up, because it was always needed (and required by the schools who flip out with kids as high maintenance as ours was).  We were given the wrong diagnosis even though we were working with many people in the field.  Looking back, I have a lot of anger and resentment, because we got the wrong diagnosis, advice, information about what to do... .the whole nine yards... .but, now that I have the dx, I can't honestly say I feel a whole lot better.  Like you, I realize that a lifetime of this doesn't promise to fit my ideals and dreams for how her life would go. 
In the past few weeks, my daughter has moved in with my parents, and out of a sincere desire to cooperate with them, things have been pretty good for us all.  She is somewhat doing what is asked of her.  There are still lots of not following thru issues, and like you said, which I understood completely, getting your child to the end of the nursing education is literally a day at a time, and not cut and dry at all... .AT ALL ! Our situation is exactly... .EXACTLY... .the same.  We are trying to get our child to work, and she has been interviewing, and may have a job.  Getting her to work each day will be a thing, as will helping her work through issues that come up once she's going.  We want her to work some, because she has needs/wants that she could be attending to, and because we know she has to stay out of that bed, where she would live her life (in depressive spells) if she could.  She has been taking meds after a recent hospital stay, and these seem to be helping her to function with a little more stability.  We've tried to get her to start her college courses here, near the rest of the family, but that's out... .she's unwilling.

Stick around!  Having others who are living through what you are living through to talk to is helping me... .even if, at times, they're only saying... .I know, it IS like that, isn't it?  On the other hand, I see things others post and think "hmmm... .that might be useful!"... .You aren't alone... .nor are you the only one with all this stuff floating around in your head about your BPD child... .believe me... .Im right here with you!









   

[Meredith0711]

HiLoveOn the Rocks :

Thank you for sharing your story about your daughter.

I am glad to hear that your daughter wants to go to college. Does she have a major in mind? I ask because that choice will help direct you/her to specific universities.

I understand your journey regarding a BPD diagnosis. We too went through multiple psychiatrists before arriving at her diagnosis. She has a mixed diagnosis of BPD, PTSD, ADD, and generalized anxiety.

At the time of her diagnosis the physicians recommended that she attend a therapeutic boarding school for the remainder of her high school years. The options were out-of-state and very expensive. We chose not to go this route and substituted intensive outpatient therapy instead. We chose to set up a second home in Texas and I left family and friends to oversee the therapy. I regret that decision.

The outpatient system is not equipped for BPD patients who require 24 hour observation and accountability. As parents we are not equipped emotionally, psychologically or intellectually ---- no matter how educated -- to oversee such treatment. (as a note, I have a BS degree in Pharmacy and my husband, at the time, was a physician)

That said, the outpatient therapy did help her understand the diagnosis and its symptoms. I was thankful that professionals were having that conversation with my daughter and not just me. It did provide her with tools and techniques to help her make better decisions.

I can share my experience with my daughter's journey through college. She remained in state, but the school was 3 hours away. We live in Texas.

She was not spared any expense to experience a successful college career - computer, finances, dormitory comforts, car, etc. And I was hopeful with the transition.

She started out as a pre-med major, that turned into wildlife biology, to business administration to "I don't know" to nursing. She is in the 6th year of a 4 year degree. Why? BPD and the impulsive and irrational choices that brings to the process. She worked hard on a degree of drinking and sex. We went from dorm, sorority, apartment to help facilitate the process of graduating.

She worked enough to get accepted into a BSN Nursing program. But in the spring before the fall admission she became involved with a young man with a heroin addiction and nearly failed out of school. She ended up battered and in the ER. I admitted her to a psychiatric hospital.

She is now in her last year of nursing school but the journey has been difficult and ugly. When she first started she was optimistic and happy, now she constantly complains about the school and the professors. I am not even sure if she goes to classes. I try to remain constant so that she can obtain a degree in May. The degree will at at least provide her an opportunity of steady employment.

Like my daughter, I am confident that your dear daughter is smart with incredible potential. During the college years, I have directed my focus on the goal of the degree - despite the self-destructive behaviors. I have helped with her studies, where I can and encourage her to see a future as a Nurse Practitioner. Upon graduation, she is expressing the desire to be an ER nurse -- this actually is a good match with her personality and BPD diagnosis.

I am more encouraged now for her future. But May is still quite a bit off.

I share my experience, not to be discouraging, but to let you know the arduous journey may continue and to remain strong and vigilant. We want the best for our daughters!

I am stronger today and I don't feel so alone because of support from mothers like you. I thank you so much for your insight and support.

[Meredith0711]

 

Daughter came home tonight from a weekend pediatric  hospital clinical rotation and wasn't home 30 minutes before creating emotional drama.

The conversation went from a calm discussion of her weekend, to complaints about the hospital and the patients. I tried to get her to see things from a different perspective and she became argumentative. She then picked up her phone and began texting.  While I waited for her to come back to the conversation I got on my phone and checked emails and texts. She did this quite a few times. She then got up and said she wasn't going to take my attitude and why was I checking my phone. She went to her room and I tried to ask her what was wrong and apologize if I offended her. I know that sounds crazy but that is typical. It is small things, unexpected eggshells, that initiates outlandish behavior.

I did seem more calm with her this afternoon and I think she picked up on the different dynamic. The discussion then turned to her behaviors and the dysregulation it causes in our relationship. And yes, I asked if she understood the dynamics she brings with her BPD. She immediately attacked me saying I am the one who brings in sick behaviors and I am the cause of our problems. True, I don't like who I have become, anxious and depressed, because of our relationship. I tried to reassure her that that I have and will be here for her but that she needs to manage her behaviors better. I told her that she was the best thing that ever happened to me and she said, "that is sad"!

She then went on to complain that she doesn't have privacy. That is untrue. I asked what more privacy she wanted. I am gone all week at my job and she goes to school most days only until 2pm. I believe this is about boys and sex. I think she entertains them in my home while I am away. She often spends the night and says she is at a girlfriends house.

She said she doesn't want to live here anymore and said she is moving out in the morning. I agreed.

Now I am in tears and in pain. This is crazy.

[Hyacinth Bucket]

Hi Meredith,

I'm sorry you're suffering so much. It sounds like the dynamic you have with your daughter is one that most of us here have experienced. It's very difficult and painful and most of all exhausting.

I encourage you to read the resources on this site about validation in particular. BPD experience normal conversation ("let's look at it from a different perspective") as a complete invalidation of their feelings and therefore themselves. I have been here with my daughter, the harder I tried to "help" her see things differently the worse our relationship became.

The resources here will help you change the way you approach her and in some cases doing less will help. If she's upset you don't need to try to fix anything for her. Simply by validating that she is upset /had a bad day will diffuse the situation.

I also couldn't recommend the book "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist" more. It will completely transform your relationship with yourself back to a healthy one and as a result change the way you relate to your daughter for the better. It's available on Kindle if you don't want her to know you have it.

[Hyacinth Bucket]

Here is a link to the validation tools:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating

[once removed]

hi Meredith0711,

Hyacinth Bucket offers some good advice... .so much of this is not intuitive, but with a little practice (the cool thing about the tools is you can practice them with anyone), navigating can become a lot easier.

have things smoothed over since?

[Meredith0711]

Morning Hyacinth Bucket and Once removed,

Thank you Hyacinth for your insightful assistance regarding my daughter. I listened to your advice, read the literature about validation and approached my daughter again.

I went back and said I would like to hear more about her weekend. This time I listened with empathy and was conscious of validating her feelings. What a difference.

She stated that she is seeing a difference in me.

She went further and wanted to talk more about BPD. I let her talk and was careful to validate her feelings. She  then took the initiative and scheduled an appointment with her school psychologist. No pressure from me. She said she is tired and wants to change and have a better relationship with me.

I hope she follows through and remains committed to her decision.

I can't thank you enough for taking the time to respond to my cry for help. I am continuing to learn more about validation.

Thank you too, Once Removedd for your care and concern.

I am blessed to have found this community!

[Hyacinth Bucket]

Meredith, I am so happy you hear that you had a successful conversation with your daughter. That must be such a relief. And how wonderful that she wants to get treatment. I'm crossing my fingers that she follows through.

Keep posting! We are all here for you. And sometimes just venting to people who get it is such a relief.

Lots of hugs!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hi Meredith0711 

That's great news to hear you were able to have a re-do of the conversation validating your daughters feelings, listening with empathy. Powerful stuff   

How's your daughter coping with her final year? It can be a stressful time.

WDx

[LoveOnTheRocks]

Hi Meredith 0711:
Sorry I haven't responded, I have been out of town.  My daughter, husband and I went to another state to pick up some things for our business on Monday.  We went over the weekend, early, so that we could do some shopping for my daughter's wardrobe.  She has lost a great deal of weight and needs an entire new wardrobe.  I am afraid the weight loss is about appealing to various men, because my daughter is highly sexual with various men... .smh. I even believe that while in relationships, she has this private side gig going with herself and whomever she is secretly dealing with at the moment.  It all upsets me greatly, but she doesn't try to talk to me about it, and in the past, when I've tried to discuss this with her, she was highly volatile, so I just leave it alone.

My daughter wants to be a psychiatrist. She is very intelligent, but I don't like this choice of occupations at all, and for a million reasons, many of which are strong and valid ones.  That said, I have stopped trying to reason with her about this.  Many people she talks to placate her, which aggravates the tar out of me.  I wish others would be more honest.  She also wants to, short term, become a pharmacy tech.  She takes several medications that are controlled substances (by prescription).  She also regularly (most days) smokes pot, and has had an unhealthy relationship with several other drugs.  I have a medical condition that requires me to take ongoing narcotics (systemic RSD/CRPS), and am in pain management.  I had to get biometric safes installed in my house to keep my pain meds safe.  The instant they are "out," she will steal and deny, all without the slightest bit of remorse.  So, you can only guess why I also don't think her desire to be a pharmacy tech while going to school for psychiatry is at all a good idea.  With the psychiatrist gig, she wants to be an "alternative" doc, and help/save kids mostly from overprescribed pharmaceuticals.  Interesting to me that she has such a powerful desire for these things, but resents and wants to change circumstances for other "kids" who might be overprescribed these meds.  What a mess, huh?

My daughter is dx BPD, add/adhd, generalized anxiety disorder... .so sounds like our daughters have kindred dx.

I am going to make a post about how things went this weekend with our daughter on my own thread.  In order to prevent repeating myself, I wont talk about it here.  My thread is titled "My daughter has BPD."  Spoiler alert, your weekend with your daughter saw some of the same "stuff" mine did with my daughter.  We, like our daughters, are certainly kindred!

[once removed]

thats a great development!

validation can be tricky when we are learning it. the most important element of it is that we offer it sincerely and authentically. otherwise, it can sound robotic, forced, members here are often accused of using "therapist speak".

for example:

I live with constant anxiety that whatever I say or do is wrong. I am told I am wrong, crazy, etc. She lies about her whereabouts and who she is with. She is impulsive and manipulative. The details of her behaviors are complex and too extensive to describe here.

if i were to say: "sorry your daughter is lying and that you are anxious. it is understandable to feel that way", its a nice thought, but a little forced, and condescending.

if i were to say: "not knowing who your child is with or where is a nightmare for every parent, being lied to about it even worse. no wonder youre feeling anxious."

see the difference?

another thing to avoid is validating the invalid. if your daughter were to say "you are a terrible mother", you wouldnt say "im sorry you feel im a terrible mother" - theres nothing to validate, and "im sorry you feel" can be an invalidating statement anyway.

youll get the hang of it, and it sounds like things went really well!

heres the power of asking validating questions to build on what youre learning: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=273415.0

[Meredith0711]

Hi Once Removed

Thank you for your insights on validation. Food for my soul! I immediately bought the Lundgren book.

It was especially helpful when you pointed out not to validate the invalid. Especially when the criticisms and blame are directed at me. The struggles have had a toll on my self-worth.

I look forward to reading and re-reading the book.

I can't thank you enough for the recommendation.

Hope things are going well for you. I look forward to future conversations.

[once removed]

it can sometimes be easier to think in terms of "not being invalidating".

validation is an important life skill, and a tool that can bond and build trust. often times we try to use it to put out fires, or use it on someone who is dysregulating. its not a panacea, it has specific purposes.

but we can be invalidating in all sorts of ways, and that makes everything worse!