Let me out of here Struggling with long term relationship.

[LanieDear]

I'm not sure what to do.  I have been married for three decades to an undiagnosed BPD/npd man.  I'm not sure of the right codes/abbreviations and I am new to actually figuring out how to ask for help.  As I approach my twilight years I do not want to continue with this relationship but I feel guilty about leaving. I have nothing to show for 30 years... .no children, little family, few friends.  To make matters worse, he's being incredibly nice to me these days.  Financially, I am better off without him, as he not only drains my emotions, but also my bank accounts.  After a horrible summer, I decided the next time he started a rage I was walking out and I would start working on an exit strategy during this period of calm.  I have become a liar---  I can't be honest and really tell him how I feel so I just say I love you, too when he tells me I am the best thing that ever happened to him.   I am just waiting for the accusations and rages to start again and feel on edge every day that we are together.  Luckily, I find many ways to stay away from home and that is the only time I really feel like I can be myself and live authentically.    Any advice on how to start the process of leaving without triggering a huge and dangerous blow up at home?  

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

hi LanieDear, and

i moved your thread here because even if you intend to leave, its a good idea to have tools at your disposal, to minimize any damage, and have a smoother landing.

i would advise, in general, not to leave things to the next time he rages or accuses. trying to anticipate and react to the cycles can keep us stuck more than anything, our partners can be hypersensitive to how we react and to some extent adapt to it themselves, and leaving when things are at their worst can maximize the damage. it would help to either work toward some level of improvement, or to take steps to protect yourself and withdraw.

tell us more about whats going on with the bank accounts. does he have direct access?

[LanieDear]

Finances are okay, he does not have direct access to the main account, only to savings which is almost non-existent.  Lots of debt and bills, but I can work extra and pay that off.  His contribution is very small, somehow in the last few years, everything migrated onto my plate.  As I started making more, he found reasons to make less (and some months nothing at all), and now I pay every single bill, every month.  If I'm lucky, he'll give me $100 a week which is my only spending money, everything else I earn pays the bills.  I could focus and pay off debt, but then he complains that I am always working and not paying enough attention to him and our marriage... .its so frustrating.  I know I share the responsibility for creating this mess so I try not to blame him,  and I recognize that he is mentally ill, but I also know I really resent this arrangement.
I hadn't thought about trying to end the relationship or be honest about how unhappy I am in a period of calm, but I think that is because I either don't want to disturb the peace, or that I feel I don't have a legitimate reason to leave if he isn't actively raging at how arrogant, selfish, and uncaring I am!  Wow-I didn't realize how crazy that sounds until I wrote it out.  Definitely in the midst of a FOG... .I am afraid of sharing my feelings, feel obligated to keep the peace, and extremely guilty to say I want out after 3 decades, especially when he is being nice and the relationship is going smoothly after months of turmoil.  But is it only going smoothly because I have totally detached and am pretending that nothing is wrong?   
I feel lost, alone, and confused.  It was only a few months ago that I decided I just couldn't continue my life this way, and it was shortly thereafter that the turmoil subsided.  He doesn't have anyone else because he has damaged the relationship with the only other family in his life who is not mentally ill, so I also struggle with the fact that I will be abandoning him if I go through with leaving.  I am searching for a therapist to help me work through these issues but am having difficulty working it around my schedule, so I have been reading alot of books... .Stop Walking on Eggshells and a few others, as well as the articles on BPDcentral.  He knows I am looking for a therapist and that causes issues, too... .he tells me they are a bunch of witch doctors that don't know what they are talking about, or that I am just looking for a therapist so I can find someone to be on my side when I say crazy things or because I want to "talk bad" about him.  Thanks for responding, I appreciate your suggestions. I was actually very nervous about posting here and was logging in to delete my post, as I don't usually share this personal information with others, so thank you for giving me the confidence to ask for help.

[once removed]

But is it only going smoothly because I have totally detached and am pretending that nothing is wrong?   

well, there can be something to that... .and its often the wrong lesson, or at least it was in my case. we detach in the name of self protection... .our partners adapt one way or another. we can train ourselves to anticipate the cycles and what might work in the short term, double down on it, and be exasperated when it doesnt work.

I feel lost, alone, and confused. 
... .
I am searching for a therapist to help me work through these issues but am having difficulty working it around my schedule, so I have been reading alot of books... .Stop Walking on Eggshells and a few others, as well as the articles on BPDcentral. 

i hear you, and youre not alone. most of us arrive in a similar state, but there really is so much hope here, wherever our paths take us. it will be good to have a therapist to help you work through the confusion, too. i say it all the time, a strong support system is so critical, and perhaps never more than now, in your circumstances.

He knows I am looking for a therapist and that causes issues, too... .he tells me they are a bunch of witch doctors that don't know what they are talking about, or that I am just looking for a therapist so I can find someone to be on my side when I say crazy things or because I want to "talk bad" about him.

unfortunately, this is not uncommon. a lot of people with BPD traits (though not unique to BPD, my dad was much the same way) see therapists, or really anything therapeutic that emphasizes better mental health, as a threat. how do you respond, if at all?

I was actually very nervous about posting here and was logging in to delete my post, as I don't usually share this personal information with others, so thank you for giving me the confidence to ask for help.

well im glad that you did, and i hope youll stick around. we are family here, and the support here can be some exceptionally brilliant stuff. we are also anonymous, so this is an environment where we can feel at ease tackling the most personal, most emotionally challenging aspects of what we are facing.

[Bhs]

Have you considered seeing an attorney for a consultation?  At least you would have a realistic view of what to expect financially going forward.  You've been in a long-term marriage... .you should understand what assets, debts and obligations you will own if you leave. FWIW and based on experience - it's much better to be prepared before leaving rather than leaving in the midst of conflict. I'm not sure if you own a home but there are many real issues around property and other things to consider. 

[LanieDear]

Thank you, I do like being prepared and having a plan
Step 1:  Find a therapist to work with me on these issues, develop a plan, and implement the tools on this site.
Step 2:  Reconnect with family and friends to build a support system.  I feel like I have taken a tiny step here with asking for the help of people on this page, as most of the people I know either do not have experience with these issues, or I do not want them to know of my plans until I have actually implemented them.  I have a few acquaintances that are aware of how mentally exhausted I am, but I have not told anyone who was around the last time we went through a break up cycle (about a decade ago). I don't know if its because I am ashamed or because I don't want the judgement since they were supportive last time and I didn't stay the course.
Step 3:  Consult with an attorney.   I am more fortunate than many women who find themselves in this situation as I do not have children to care for and I have been the chief earner in this relationship for years.  I would be fine with starting over financially if I had to, I am still young enough to support myself and since our lives have always centered around his wants and needs, I have very little emotional attachment to any of our assets.
Step 4:  Continue to work on communication and conflict resolution so that we can both have a smoother landing if and when I do get out. 

Does anyone have any thoughts on honesty?   It really bothers me that I feel I am not being honest with him.   I hide my true thoughts, opinions, hopes, and dreams behind a huge protective wall and its pretty lonely back here.   I don't express opinions that differ from his, I don't share honestly about the state of our marriage, I don't defend my family members when he starts saying horrible things about them, I don't pick out things to watch on television or where we go out to eat because I don't want the stress of conflict, and now I am planning to meet with therapists, attorneys, and allies that can help me escape this life of chaos and strife.  I used to be more open, direct, and fight back, but I do not bounce back physically or mentally like I did in my younger years and this is really taking a toll on my health.   I have rationalized it in the name of safety but it feels deceitful and this is extremely inconsistent with the way I live my life in every other area.
Thank you for your advice and support.

 

[once removed]

it sounds like you have a solid plan. what are your first steps regarding step one, any progress?

Does anyone have any thoughts on honesty?   It really bothers me that I feel I am not being honest with him.   

well, it sounds like youve increasingly disengaged in the name of self protection and avoiding conflict. you can begin to change that, but you have to be prepared that it will likely, at least for a time, rock the boat. are you prepared for that?

obviously, i wouldnt just jump in and do everything radically differently. gradual shifts can be better, and we can build on them. it might also be a good idea to tend to your health before you do.

[Bhs]

Honesty is a wonderful character trait but possessing the discernment to understand when to be completely honest is a virtue.  It sounds as if the life you have lived with your partner has not been aligned with your personal values - in other words - your life has unfolded in a way that may not be honest or true to the spirit of who you are and how you want to live.  As such, it may bring you peace to reflect on the fact that by temporarily acting outside of your personal moral boundaries (e.g., withholding information) you are opening up a possibility to live the rest of your life in a manner that is honest and consistent with your value system. 

[LanieDear]

Well I am back online after a nice break.  My SO has been out of town for the last month and it was the best month I've had in awhile.  He's coming home tomorrow and I am dreading it so I logged back in.  Thank you to everyone for their insight and support.  I had a therapist appt., she cancelled, then I cancelled, and then I was feeling just fine for the last month so have not rescheduled.  I've spent my time happily working, visiting family, and binge watching whatever the heck I wanted on Netflix.  I do know I need the therapy before I can really become healthy, and this feels like my last night of downtime before going back into battle.  I am going to review all the information and try not to be invalidating or make his problems worse, and also try to manage this horrible anxiety I feel at his return. Thanks again... .now back to reading the loads of information on this site.

[Beneck]

Hey LanieDear!

How are things?