The Last Word

[Pina colada]

Hi.  I haven't been here a lot but I am looking for opinions/input/facts.  Aside from the drama with my sister, I got out of an abusive relationship with a narcissist.  I learned a lot including I had CPTSD and was trauma bonded to him so I have been doing a lot of reading on narcissism and psychopath.  I keep seeing a trait and it really makes me think of my relationship with my sister.  It says a red flag is someone whom "tells you everything that is wrong with you, your relationship or whatever it is you are at odds with" and then they cut you off.  It says narcissists/sociopaths/psychopaths ALWAYS must have the last word but the key here is they "cut you off" and therefore we can't respond, defend ourselves etc.  My sister has a pattern of doing this over and over to me... .She did this back in December when she cut me off because I couldn't answer why I could go NC with her but not with the ex boyfriend.  I was at the grocery store and she caught me off guard.  I also didn't know that I was Trauma Bonded to him and so much more.  Anyone else experience this with your family member?

[Woolspinner2000]

HI PinaColada,

Good to hear from you. Something that Turkish often says is that you don't know what you don't know. It's common that we don't know we are in a same or similar situation to that of our pwBPD until we continue to progress or move on in our growth. For example, I didn't know that I married someone with similar traits to my uBPDm until many years down the road as my eyes opened up and I began to understand what and how I was affected. Perhaps with you the same is true, and when your sister asked you that question, you said you were unprepared. You have learned much since then. Until that time, it is all normal looking. What do you think?

Wools

[Pina colada]

Hi Woolspinner, I am happy to be able to post and read a bit!  You are spot on about us not knowing what we don't know.  My dad was uNPD overt (he had the traits but never diagnosed).  We always knew something was off, as adults, as kids I thought all families were like that.  I stayed in a bad relationship with uNPD too long and realized I was "dating my father... .chasing his love".  And then my sister, she went through the bad relationship.  She always said she would be there for me but it was conditional.  As long as I did what she wanted me to do then we were good.  I tried to maintain the relationship, but again I was probably chasing the elusive love or relationship that I was so familiar with.  My sister and I made rules, I followed them.  She broke them but why wouldn't she?  Disordered people, at least my sister, don't play by fair and just rules although she claims to be fair, just and non judgmental, empathetic, etc.  Yes she caught me off guard with a question I could not answer.  I only recently learned about Stockholm syndrome, trauma bonding, brainwashing (as it pertains to narcissists) etc.  I was honest with her.  She sent me many texts and emails.  She said I obviously thought she was a bad person and she could not have me in her life.  The thing is, do I think she is a bad person?  No.  I think she a person that has done things I don't agree with.  Again, she could never handle any kind of criticism yet she sure could dish it out to me and my mom, dad, brother and others, even her kids.  One of her adopted kids has not had contact with her in I think about 10 years.  That says it all.  I have great relationships with my three kids and they are all friends.  I also have a great guy in my life .  Things are good.  Too bad she isn't around to share but I am good with that.  She is toxic and proved it for the last time.  What is going on with you Woolspinner?