Trying again

[Depression = 72% of members]

I decided I needed to take a step back.  I had a bad day a few days ago.  Some misplaced anger.  I ended up in my bedroom, ranting to myself and taking a pillow and violently hitting the bed.  I felt better afterwards.  Some pent up resentment I wasn't fully aware was there.  So, here I am.  Trying to take the first step like I tried in my last post.

Truth is, some lurking resentment and anger is setting up camp in my mind.  Quietly waiting to blow up the fire.  My bph has made great progress.  I would like to still be able to show him more my appreciation.    I am figuring out I need to physically release some anger as well.  There was a lot of focus on his problems, now that it is fading away, it is leaving way for the other problems in the back ground.

I now have a fresh feeling of guilt sometimes about quitting my job at the beginning of the year and running away.  I know at the time, I did was right.  Still weighs on me sometimes.  Any suggestions to balance this all out?

[Frankee]

I decided I needed to take a step back.  I had a bad day a few days ago.  Some misplaced anger.  I ended up in my bedroom, ranting to myself and taking a pillow and violently hitting the bed.  I felt better afterwards.  Some pent up resentment I wasn't fully aware was there.  So, here I am.  Trying to take the first step like I tried in my last post.

Truth is, some lurking resentment and anger is setting up camp in my mind.  Quietly waiting to blow up the fire.  My bph has made great progress.  I would like to still be able to show him more my appreciation.    I am figuring out I need to physically release some anger as well.  There was a lot of focus on his problems, now that it is fading away, it is leaving way for the other problems in the back ground.

I now have a fresh feeling of guilt sometimes about quitting my job at the beginning of the year and running away.  I know at the time, I did was right.  Still weighs on me sometimes.  Any suggestions to balance this all out?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[RolandOfEld]

Hi Frankee, I'm sorry to hear you had a bad day. It's good though that your husband is making progress and opening up space for other problems.

I'm sure you've shared about your job situation and running away in previous posts, but do you mind refreshing us here? That would make it easier to share ideas.

Sending you strength,
RolandOfEld

[isilme]

Hi Frankee,

I find I need to scream in my car sometimes, all the things I hold back at times to prevent from escalating emotional instability at home.  I grew up being told not to express any but positive emotions, and so I still have problems.  Even when H can handle it (death fo a friend, grief, he knows it's not about him) I can't feel comfortable crying or being upset visibly.  So, I wait until I am alone, and try to let it out.

Also, typing on here helps when I can't drive to Walmart on a country road where no one can see me and yell or scream or cry if I need it. 

Just based on the last sentence you wrote, I am assuming there was some sort of issue at work, and quitting was the best way to manage it.  I remember when H was literally being simple assaulted at work by a bully of a woman, but due to her age, and some dirt she had on the institution, no one wanted to reprimand her, make her stop.  H, having BPD, was a conflicted mess (he still yells at me about things SHE did).  In 2014, I saw it was either he was going to commit suicide, or she was going to pull a stunt had try to get him arrested at work by proving him.  I encouraged him to quit.  I said better to struggle and have no job at all than deal with her and her cronies and the damage she was doing to him.  He still sees it as running away.  It was not.  It took courage to do it.  And it needed to be done. 

I bet your case was similar.  Few people leave a job without something already lined up unless there is a reason.

[I Am Redeemed]

Frankie,

As I recall, you left your job and your home to go to a women's shelter because your h had been violent. You absolutely did the right thing to protect yourself and your kids.

Your doubts and guilt about that probably come from your h blaming you for ruining everything when you left... .when his behavior was the catalyst for that decision.

Sometimes pwBPD are very good at convincing us that acts of self protection or self preservation are wrong or selfish... .or even abusive to them... .because we have taken our focus off of their perceived needs and rightfully made ourselves a priority... .which to them feels threatening and treacherous.

We want them to understand, to see things from our perspective and to know what we know, that we made the right choice. When they don't, and they tell us how selfish and hurtful we are for taking steps to protect ourselves against their abuse... .WE feel guilty for it. Crazy making.

Hold to your truth. You were placed in an impossible and dangerous situation and you did what you had to do for you and your kids safety. That is something to be proud of.

Blessings and peace,

Redeemed

[Frankee]

I appreciate the reassurance.  He made me feel bad that day, but I know I was put in a position where I felt in serious harms way at the time.  That's  how convinced he made me of the repercussions if I left with the kids.  I was so in deep with his crazy making almost a year ago, that I 100% believed I had to take my first chance to get out.  I left my job, basically  my entire life and went half way across the country with what I was able to grab and what the shelter gave me.  I am one of the nicest and most caring people you would probably meet.  I had talked to a friend who knew him before I did.  She gave me the courage to say enough and get the heck out of the bad situation. 

Fast forward to today.  He is like a complete different person.  There was that day recently where he blamed me for all of that.  I no longer feel like I am in danger being with him.  He's been taking his medicine as prescribed.  Seems to have adjusted to taking them.

I have gone in my room by myself and beat a pillow on the bed while ranting to myself  when I feel I am about to snap.  There were a few times where we got into mild disagreements and I felt myself escalating into over reactions.  I have been able to keep from blowing up and I vent when  I am alone.  When the weather permits, I go for walks.

I got a call back from a dermatologist.   I had a suspicious growth removed from my back a little over a month ago.  The results are inconclusive so I have to go in for more tests.  Skin cancer was mentioned as worse case but they didn't  say it was.  My bph has been very supportive through this.  He has been reassuring and says  no matter what happens, he will be here for me and not going to go anywhere.

[RolandOfEld]

[quote author=Frankee link=topic=330753.msg13014642#msg13014642
Fast forward to today.  He is like a complete different person.  There was that day recently where he blamed me for all of that.  I no longer feel like I am in danger being with him.  He's been taking his medicine as prescribed.  Seems to have adjusted to taking them.
[/quote]

Hi Frankee. Wishing you the best for your tests.

That's really good to hear about your husband. My wife has been on meds for a while and has stabilized a little. It's also possible from time to time to express frustrations with her.

That said, the nearly 10 years of abuse doesn't just disappear, as I find myself currently going through some sort of post traumatic stress, which comes out the most around the kids. I've had some seriously terrifying meltdowns. I've arranged with my counselor to meet every week for the near future and am trying to have a check in call with my aunt as often as needed. While the worst seems to be over, I'm in worse shape than I've ever been.

My point is that now that you can focus on things besides saving your life physically, now you can commit to healing psychologically and spiritually. Your husband might not be able to be a part of this kind of healing, but it seems he at least won't get in the way. Are you seeing a counselor? 

~ROE

[Frankee]

I am sorry to hear that you are dealing with the results emotions from the abuse.  I call them that because it usually  happens to me and I know I am not this person and I know I can feel the built up from what I went through.  I talk to a counselor  every now and then.  I am also reconnecting with my parents.  We had a call out when we got together and have been of iffy terms.

I find a lot of my meltdowns are over really normal things for the most part.  Some times I can deal with them better, other days I have to be extra mindful of my behavior.  I try to do more little things to self care.  Try to feel less guilty I don't rub his back ever night.  Yes, that was a thing.  He felt neglected and unimportant.   I am more stern with bedtime routines.  He use to run me over and let the kids stay up later, watch one more cartoon, etc.  Then he would shut himself in the bedroom and leave me to deal with it.  He would make me feel bad if I didn't.  Now I tell him that bedtime is at a certain time and everything is shut off.

He's backing me up more instead of running me down.  I know I need to still do the things I use to, but in moderation.  I'll run his back when he's  had an especially long or hard day.  I'll let the kids stay up a few minutes later if he does get home really late.  Finding a balance.

[RolandOfEld]

He use to run me over and let the kids stay up later, watch one more cartoon, etc.  Then he would shut himself in the bedroom and leave me to deal with it.  He would make me feel bad if I didn't.

I literally felt my stomach clench up when I read this since it used to be exactly the same. Other examples include intentionally giving the kids candy right after I'd brushed their teeth, trying to get D2 to pee on the floor so I had to clean it up, or like you said locking herself in the bedroom well past the kids bedtime so I had nowhere to put them to sleep.

It's not really like that anymore but I am definitely dealing with the emotional aftermath now. The other day the kids pushed me too hard and I went into the bedroom and screamed like someone was trying to murder me.

Sorry for all the personal sharing but I just want to show I think I totally get where you are right now, the worst might be over but the scars are starting to show.

I think it's great you are reaching out to your parents. I just got over my pride and asked my dad for financial support so I can hire a nanny. My wife has 89% checked out on family tasks since she went back to work and I am trying to do a full time job and take care of two small children on my own, hence the screaming. It's better than when she was more involved and doing the above things but I still really need help.

You said he's backing you up more. How involved is he in childcare and whats your daily routine look like? Could you please remind me of the ages of your kids?

~ROE

[snowglobe]

Dead Frankie,
I followed your story back then and was relieved to finally see an update from you, I was wondering what happened after the shelter... .if it’s ok with you, can you describe your ordeal and how did you come to the decision to come back? What measures did you put into place? How long has it been since you came back?

[Frankee]

He relapsed last night.  He actually brought up what happened with the shelter.  It was tough.   Not being sucked into the blame game.  His recollection of the reason why I left was because he raised his voice and yelled.  I was really tempted to "set the record straight", but I knew that would be extremely pointless.  I decided to come back because he promised up and down he would change and that he wouldn't do the things he was doing.  It's been 9 months since I came back.

It was one of those what the heck moments last night.  A lot was said.  It will take too long to go into detail.  Highlights were, he felt that I expected to snap my fingers and everything would be fixed.  He said his anger was "just gone" one day.  That it doesn't just disappear.  I agreed.  Told him I know that problems don't just disappear.  If they aren't dealt with, they just hid and fester.  

The kids were brought up.  He felt I used them as bargaining chips, I was selfish, I kidnapped them, he tried to compromise by he takes the baby and I take the older one.  This is referring to when I left to the shelter.   When it happened, he felt I blamed him, told everyone he was a monster, let the cops put their hands on the kids.  I told him that I wasn't going to hurt him again, that it only caused heartache with the kids, that I won't take them away from him.

Even now as I am typing this, I am screaming in my head that he is the reason I left.  If it wasn't for his abusive behavior, I never would have genuinely felt my life was in danger if I ever left.  

It's a catch 22.  I went to counseling.  The day of counseling, he got angry because he thought I was running my mouth about how terrible he was.  I didn't feel comfortable going back.  Last night, he gets upset because I only went a couple times and he's gone more.

Catch 22, he feels I blackmailed him this whole time that if he didn't go to counseling that I would take his kids.  He feels I forced him to take medicine because I forced him to go to a counselor.  I told him weeks ago that if the medicine was making him sick or he wasn't ready to take it, to stop taking it.  He said more than once that he wants to take the medicine.  That he's happy.  Which is it?  He wants to take it and get better or am I am devious manipulator who made him take the medicine.

On the upside, my emotional fall out isn't as bad.  He did make me tear up a couple times, but I sucked it up and hid it.  I know in those relapse times, crying doesn't soften his attacks.  It's tough.  Going so long without an episode, then getting a glimpse of how our conversations use to be.  I packed his lunch and wrote him and note.  He went out to his car and left the bag.  I don't knowing he's coming back for it.  Any suggestions where to go from here?

[Euler2718]

Hi. I wish you could live without jamming up your emotions. At least you acknowledge them and let them out later. We all did that maybe. But for me the buried stuff made me more withdrawn, which then became an issue (my lack of emotions meant I wasn't "in love" with her). Keep up the good work.

[RolandOfEld]

Any suggestions where to go from here?

Frankee, from my perspective, right now you seem completely bound up in his contradictory and unstable behavior. I know because I have been there, living minute to minute watching for what the other person will say or do next. It sounds like his issues have invaded every last inch of your personal space, to the point that even your counseling, which should be private to the point of sacred to you, has been affected by him.

My advice to you is that you need to start cordoning off some safe space in your life from him and build yourself a little community. I know this might seem like a very difficult thing to do. I can tell you that it will not be easy, but you can do it.

The first thing to do would be to itemize the resources you have on hand right now. Your counselor would certainly be one. Do you still have contacts at the shelter? What do you have in terms of friends and family that know of the situation, or that you could open up to? Have you checked in with any of the police at the station nearest to your home? Even if you don't have anything to report, it might be good to alert them of your past so you would know exactly who to call if you sensed any danger. Just knowing that they knew could give you more peace of mind. It did for me.

Sending you strength,
Roland