BPD ex kicked up the drama again, and current "dating guy" is getting serious.

[BasementDweller]

Mods, feel free to move this to the "Learning" board if the dating aspect of it makes it more appropriate there. I'm still detaching... .but have sort of gotten reattached. So I don't know where I belong.

My ex has been all over the map lately from raging, to civil, to apologetic, to hostile, to antagonistic... .and everything in between. I was doing much better and we were civil lately, but he snapped again when I wanted to get the rest of my things from the house. Pretty much everything of value that I own is still there - some of it important items, either expensive, or with much sentimental value.

He called me with the intention of arranging a time to do this, but dysregulated and went nuts when I asked him the name of the storage unit place that he had previously recommended to me. It was a normal question in the normal context of the conversation, but something in him snapped. He went into attack mode, started up with going off on me about how horrible I was to him and dredging up old drama about our relationship. He terminated the conversation by withdrawing his cooperation on me getting my stuff back and hung up and blocked me. (Again.) I sincerely believe that my getting a storage unit meant to him like I was truly cutting the cord. Once all my stuff is out of the house and off the property, there is nothing connecting me to him anymore. So he threw up a road block on that (at least that was his intent), even though he hates me and wants nothing to do with me otherwise. (?)

The following morning his friend sent me a scathing message, accusing me of "trying to force my ex to pay for my storage unit" (not even remotely what I said - AT ALL) and then told me he was "sick of this sh!t" (HE is?) and that he would report me for harassment if I did not leave my ex alone. (My ex has initiated all contact with me since I left.) He concluded by saying that my ex would give me back my stuff when "he feels damn good and ready." Ah the old drama triangle! Love it. 

I am really tired of this, and as long as my ex has my stuff he has control over me and can twist the knife any time he wants to. I decided then and there that no amount of material possessions of any value are worth being bullied by those two, and never being set free. I messaged his friend and told him I wanted nothing whatsoever from my ex, and he is to keep, sell, donate, or toss out my stuff as he sees fit, and I neither want any of it back, or to see or hear from either of them again. I asked to kindly be allowed to go on with my life in peace. I sent the same text to my ex in an email. Done and dusted. I'll lose my shirt here, and that's ok. I never want to hear from either of them again. They have not responded. I hope they don't.

Meanwhile the guy I have been dating for a few months had me over for the extended four day weekend, (woo-hoo Euro holidays!) and we threw him a birthday party on Friday which his whole family attended. As usual, I cooked - all the appetizers and a sit down dinner, and decorated the house in a Halloween theme. Halloween isn't really much of a "thing" in this country, and so this was also new and exciting for them, and they loved it. His parents, his sister, her husband, and their two sons all came. About this time last year I did the same with my ex's family. He got drunk and behaved abysmally and started all kinds of trouble, to which the whole family escalated. Nothing of the sort happened this time, haha. His family was AWESOME.

My ex's FOO consists of BPD mom, Histrionic PD sister, my BPD ex, and his neurotic ex wife. New guy's FOO? Happily married elderly parents, wonderfully kind and stable sister, great husband and kids, and just all around really good people. His parents have been together since 50+ years, and not a hint of crazy anywhere, with any of them. Absolutely lovely people who welcomed me with open arms and were so... .normal that I realized I had forgotten what that was like.

His mother invited me to spend Christmas with their family, and I realized that I think this guy is now my boyfriend. His family seems to think so, so I guess that's what he told them. We never discussed it, but we have been steadily seeing each other for months now... .so... .? Truthfully put... .I wasn't upset about it.

I was really honored to be invited and later asked him how he felt about it, and he said he was thrilled and he was really happy I would be there. He later talked with his family and told me that they had loved me, and were so happy to meet me. All I have been able to think is "What a MASSIVE difference with this group... ." They were also totally blown away by my slow cooker Texas style chuck roast chili and skillet cornbread.   They have never had anything like this in their lives as that is not the normal diet in this part of the world.

Once the festivities of the fun weekend died down, I got depressed on Sunday, and started to cry over my ex and his friend's behavior. He asked what was wrong and I spilled my guts about all of it. Like... .the un-condensed, full blown, BPD mess. I told him while weeping uncontrollably and covered in snot and gasping for air that I understood that I was carrying a huge amount of baggage, and I did not want him to have to be subjected to it, and I understood if he didn't want any part of it and didn't want this relationship to continue. He held me in his arms and said "We all have been through things in life. You are a wonderful person,  this is not your fault, and I'm not going anywhere."

That was nice.

I guess I'm officially NC with my ex, and I pretty much have nothing left to my name, material possessions wise, but I don't think it's worth the fight anymore. Objects can be replaced or parted with. It's my sanity I want back, and what I place the most value upon. It was nice to be with a normal man who doesn't go nuts on me and a family that doesn't drink to excess and become violent at birthday parties. So yay for small victories. 

[Mutt]

Hi BasementDweller,

You were introduced to his family as well I’d think that he is your bf too he sounds like a catch and I agree with him that we all have our baggage.

I think that you have a observation on what is currently going on I agree with you too that you can’t put a price on good mental health but maybe think about it again? He has a friend what’s to say that you don’t go get your things with a friend and put in storage?

This attack mode that he’s in is scary, frustrating, hurtful and doesn’t show you a lot of empathy I’m sorry that you’re going through this he will change modes eventually but for now it is exhausting that part of your life will be behind you don’t worry about it affecting your entire in general everything will eventually stabilize.

[once removed]

The following morning his friend sent me a scathing message, accusing me of "trying to force my ex to pay for my storage unit" (not even remotely what I said - AT ALL)

im guessing this is somehow how your ex took it? do you think?

it really sucks to lose your valuables. i agree that when one can, writing them off is easier than the battle and maybe your ex returns them someday anyway. still, it sucks.

[BasementDweller]

Hi, Mutt and OR! 

At this point I’m willing to write off my stuff and take it as a loss. If he has a bout of conscience some day, so be it. Right now I don’t want to say or do anything that will provoke him and his attack dog friend to start any trouble with me. I’m exhausted. I don’t even want to have to see my ex for any reason.

The new guy is quite a great dude, it turns out, and he’s growing on me, admittedly.   It was just so nice to be around pleasant people who don’t start screaming and blowing up at the drop of a hat. 

OR, I am not sure how my ex could have gleaned that I wanted him to pay for the storage, as I never said anything close to that. But hey, it’s BPD. Maybe he had some paranoid fear that I was going to ask that, so he exaggerated it to his friend. I really can’t see why he’d think that though. I only asked for info about the location of the storage facility. Nothing more than that.

[Cromwell]

Hi BasementDweller

I was so happy to read your post that you enjoyed Halloween and once again, you do it every time; induced me into wanting to cook something.

with regards to not understanding where the exaggeration comes from, in parallel with the belief of using your stuff as a bartering tool to keep a form of contact going - the generation of arguments was my ex's favourite past time. If I didnt contribute anything (i learned not to) she could literally sit and argue to herself, as long as there was me as a physical audience that she believed was listening to it. She created drama, arguments out of thin air and if it wasnt via exaggeration, there was some stuff that just had no rational basis to it at all.

what is the underlying basis to it? as you suggested, anything to keep the connection regardless if it is healthy or not. My sitting there and being conditioned to listen to her innane drivel wasnt proof (as I thought) of loving her, it was proof in her mind that I was willing to put up with it.

Youve reached the point of deciding that your stuff isnt worth putting up with it anymore - Im really happy for you that you have had time spent in your new friendship thats given the opportunity to compare and contrast between what you had to endure and what makes you truly feel fulfilled and happy.

[Mustbeabetterway]

  BasementDweller,

Wow!  Sounds like a great holiday weekend.  What a relief to enjoy yourself with no hint of drama.

I understand how you feel about your stuff.  I am almost to that point, too.  Maybe at some point, you will be able to get some of your things.  At any rate, the thought of him not being able to use having your things to sustain the crazy making is freeing.

My stbx has suggested putting all of our things in storage while the house gets readied to put on the market.  I am not going for it.  Then he would be threatening not to pay the storage rent, or with holding the key, threatening to change the lock.  Lots of opportunities for drama and confrontation that I refuse to participate in.

Glad you are enjoying yourself.

Mustbeabetterway

[BasementDweller]

Hi BasementDweller

I was so happy to read your post that you enjoyed Halloween and once again, you do it every time; induced me into wanting to cook something.

Hi, Cromwell - hahahaha! Doo it, I say. I have started to recover my zest for cooking now that I have someone I enjoy doing that with again. It took a while, though. I lost all interest in anything and everything for the first couple of months after the break-up. I'm slowly starting to feel human again. Be sure to give a recipe report when you do cook something. :-)

with regards to not understanding where the exaggeration comes from, in parallel with the belief of using your stuff as a bartering tool to keep a form of contact going - the generation of arguments was my ex's favourite past time. If I didnt contribute anything (i learned not to) she could literally sit and argue to herself, as long as there was me as a physical audience that she believed was listening to it. She created drama, arguments out of thin air and if it wasnt via exaggeration, there was some stuff that just had no rational basis to it at all.

what is the underlying basis to it? as you suggested, anything to keep the connection regardless if it is healthy or not. My sitting there and being conditioned to listen to her innane drivel wasnt proof (as I thought) of loving her, it was proof in her mind that I was willing to put up with it.

This is exactly what I am experiencing, especially the stuff in bold. It's so weird because he really acts like he hates me, will not treat me in any kind of civil way most of the time (but occasionally has human moments) and regularly tells me what a terrible person I am and how he can never be with someone as awful as me. Yet he won't release me with dignity and let me just get my stuff and be done with it. It makes the head spin, I tell ya. What the hell does he want?

Youve reached the point of deciding that your stuff isnt worth putting up with it anymore - Im really happy for you that you have had time spent in your new friendship thats given the opportunity to compare and contrast between what you had to endure and what makes you truly feel fulfilled and happy.

Thank you! Yes, it's really nice to be able to finally really recall what it feels like to be with someone who doesn't belittle me or abuse me. Who never criticizes or attacks. My BPD ex was the first and only abusive or "bad" relationship I ever had. What the hell was I thinking, and how did I somehow normalize that? It all feels so surreal now. As for my stuff... .I miss a lot of my sentimental items and personal effects as well as kitchen stuff that's worth quite a lot. Like a Kitchenaid Artisan stand mixer with every attachment known to man. *sheds tear* But right now, I just have to walk away. I can't take another moment of his lunacy.

  BasementDweller,

Wow!  Sounds like a great holiday weekend.  What a relief to enjoy yourself with no hint of drama.

I understand how you feel about your stuff.  I am almost to that point, too.  Maybe at some point, you will be able to get some of your things.  At any rate, the thought of him not being able to use having your things to sustain the crazy making is freeing.

My stbx has suggested putting all of our things in storage while the house gets readied to put on the market.  I am not going for it.  Then he would be threatening not to pay the storage rent, or with holding the key, threatening to change the lock. Lots of opportunities for drama and confrontation that I refuse to participate in.

Glad you are enjoying yourself.

Mustbeabetterway

Hi, MustBe! Thank you!

I decided when weighing out the options that I would sacrifice personal belongings for the opportunity to get out from underneath his control once and for all. He will always start drama whenever I have a simple request, and turn it into a huge battle royal. I see now he is not going to change, and that after five months, if he is still not going to give me back my stuff without me having to pull teeth - he likely never will.

What's sad is for the first time I feel like NC is the only option. I never thought I would do this because I do not hold a grudge against him, despite everything. I have always struggled with the concept of NC because I feel like I could never treat someone I once loved and do actually still care about like a non-entity. I know it's for my own safety and well being, but I hate it. I feel like I am acting disordered by not speaking to him and shutting him out. I hated when he gave me the silent treatment. I thought it was immature and rude, and childish as hell, and now I feel like that's what I am doing to him.  But he starts trouble so often, I just can't take it anymore. I just want to heal. I can't have a normal conversation with him the vast majority of the time. He usually turns on me and attacks me over things I can't even make sense of. I'm just so done with all of it.

How's things with you these days? What have you been doing to cope with the madness?

[Mustbeabetterway]

  BasementDweller,  like you, NC is counterintuitive. It’s not in our makeup to not speak with someone, but as you say, it’s not punitive, it’s for your own self protection.  

I’m getting lots of practice with holding my boundaries   around fixing situations or being responsible for things that are not mine to fix or be responsible.  I am low contact with my upbdh.  If he is respectful, I will respond, but when it changes, I quickly exit the conversation.  It is liberating to be living separately so I have space to heal.  I have to say that if he has contact, he tries to demand more and more.  I’m holding the line though.  

For the better part of a year, he has been refusing to let me be in our home by myself to go through the things we have there and get them ready to move.  He insists on being there, so I have mostly stayed away.  Now that he has his own home and is finally ready to move out, he is in a tizzy for me to come over there and  “help” him move stuff.  He recently said that I was making things difficult.  I got a good laugh out of that.

Well, I admire your courage.  It takes a lot of courage and emotional strength to carry on.  Stay the course!  I look forward to hearing more about your journey.  

[Enabler]

My money's on your ex having a mysterious change of heart and will announce that out of the kindness of his heart he'll return all your possessions because they are a constant reminder to him of how evil and badly you treated him.

Although it's by the by, I wonder whether or not your ex took offence to the fact that you were looking to put the stuff in storage. Putting it in storage suggests you don't actually NEED the belongings, you just want them away from him, and he maybe found this hurtful... .felt abandoned. He doesn't want your things, he just doesn't want to lose connection with you.

Great news on new fella, he sounds very emotionally intelligent... .which is nice.

Enabler

[once removed]

What the hell does he want?

i get that this is a rhetorical question, but id wager validation. either for you to remove/fix his pain or be on the receiving end of it.

What's sad is for the first time I feel like NC is the only option.

it may not have to be forever. right now though, its pretty difficult for any conversation to be constructive/productive.

[Mustbeabetterway]

it may not have to be forever. right now though, its pretty difficult for any conversation to be constructive/productive.

once removed, you are the voice of reason.  You are right, it doesn’t have to be forever. 

The term no contact for me has a “final” ring to it (I’m starting to remind myself of Matt Foley “Van down by the river” using so many quotes  . But as you point out, it doesn’t have to be “final” .

Mustbe

[BasementDweller]

For the better part of a year, he has been refusing to let me be in our home by myself to go through the things we have there and get them ready to move.  He insists on being there, so I have mostly stayed away.

Hi, mustbe! Yes, this is exactly what I am experiencing too. He also says he is uncomfortable with me being there because he is "afraid of me and feels unsafe" being alone with me. This is highly amusing as he is 6'2" and very solidly built with the strength of an ox and weighs about 190 pounds. I'm 5'2" and closer to 90 pounds. Ok, I'm flattering myself. 98 pounds. 

Not that women can't be violent, but other than a mosquito swat I gave him once when he was twisting my arm out of the socket in a drunken rage, I was NOT the one with the violent streak. His implication that he can't be alone with me because I will harm or assault him is ridiculous.

I think what he is REALLY afraid of is the shame and sorrow he feels looking at me moving my things out of the home he so recently drove me out of that we once shared, knowing despite his claims otherwise, that I was a good and loving partner, and he threw away a good thing. I'm sure he's uncomfortable as hell around me, but not for the absurd reasons he states. Any one who breaks up normally with a partner for valid reasons is both cooperative and proactive about the other person moving all their belongings out and making a clean but civil break. They would graciously allow the other person to move their stuff, and not go ape-sh!t because that person asked about a storage unit. He was the one who discarded me and forced me out and ripped my entire existence out from underneath me. Why the hell does he care, and why the hell does he NOT want to do anything possible, as fast as he can, to facilitate this?

BPD, that's why. The sheer level of drama around this that he has kicked up, and all the roadblocks, delays, and avoidance show he's not playing with a full deck.

i get that this is a rhetorical question, but id wager validation. either for you to remove/fix his pain or be on the receiving end of it.

Hi OR!  I suspect you are right. Sadly that's an impossible task. I never was able to alleviate his pain, though he's pretty successfully been able to infect me with it.

it may not have to be forever. right now though, its pretty difficult for any conversation to be constructive/productive.

It seems to have permanently splintered, but who knows. He's consistently inconsistent, and I guess anything is possible. He may initiate contact on his own, acting completely normal and reasonable... .until he isn't again. 

My money's on your ex having a mysterious change of heart and will announce that out of the kindness of his heart he'll return all your possessions because they are a constant reminder to him of how evil and badly you treated him.

Hi, Enabler!   There could be something to that theory. I am the anti-christ you know. I can imagine how the sight of my Kitchenaid mixer must be a horrific reminder of all those delicious meals I prepared for him and his family. Oh, the indignity! ;-)

Although it's by the by, I wonder whether or not your ex took offence to the fact that you were looking to put the stuff in storage. Putting it in storage suggests you don't actually NEED the belongings, you just want them away from him, and he maybe found this hurtful... .felt abandoned. He doesn't want your things, he just doesn't want to lose connection with you.
 

I think anything is possible with him. He tells me and everyone who will listen that he hates me and wants me out of his life, but you'd think that would make him eager to have my stuff gone as fast as possible.

Great news on new fella, he sounds very emotionally intelligent... .which is nice.

He's a breath of fresh air, I tell ya. Not having to walk on eggshells and endure endless criticism is such a good feeling. Last night, he took me to meet all of his football buddies (he started an Australian football league here in the European city where we live and a bunch of Aussie expats play on the team). One of his teammates and his wife celebrated the grand opening of their Australian pub/restaurant last night, and threw a party. He introduced me to everyone and we all sat sipping beer and chatting, and I realized that I had forgotten what it felt like to do things like this with a "normal" boyfriend. Any time I went anywhere with my ex, he was sure to behave embarrassingly or put me down in front of others. Other times he would refuse to go places with me, because he would say I was embarrassed by him. I was... .but I still would have gone.   This was so nice... .to actually be with a man who is proud of me and also doesn't act like a fool in public places, or if he's had a few beers. I had legitimately forgotten what it felt like to be treated with respect.

once removed, you are the voice of reason.  You are right, it doesn’t have to be forever. 

The term no contact for me has a “final” ring to it (I’m starting to remind myself of Matt Foley “Van down by the river” using so many quotes  . But as you point out, it doesn’t have to be “final” .

Mustbe

Wow I LOVE MATT FOLEY! "I've been in the basement for the last four hours chewing on coca leaves!"