Is Being alone so bad?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I am curious about everyone's thoughts. Is it so bad being alone? I am a 54 year old male. My udBPD broke up with me in July via text literally hours after our vacation had ended. We were together/dating for 4 years. It was a roller coaster relationship from the start. Constant break-ups by her. Constant valuing and devaluing me. Since July it has been an emotional struggle getting over her. But and here is the big But. I no longer have conflict in my life. I am no longer falsely accused on a daily basis of things I did not do or say. I no longer have to fear saying the wrong thing on a phone call knowing I will be broken up with. So my question is are we brainwashed to be with someone or is it so bad being alone? Reading everyone's post there is a tremendous amount of heartache and emotional pain. Are relationships truly worth it for the limited amount of joy they do bring? Are they worth it knowing after the honeymoon stage it is constant work? I am not judging just wondering what everyone's thoughts are.

[Mindfried]

I am curious about everyone's thoughts. Is it so bad being alone? I am a 54 year old male. My udBPD broke up with me in July via text literally hours after our vacation had ended. We were together/dating for 4 years. It was a roller coaster relationship from the start. Constant break-ups by her. Constant valuing and devaluing me. Since July it has been an emotional struggle getting over her. But and here is the big But. I no longer have conflict in my life. I am no longer falsely accused on a daily basis of things I did not do or say. I no longer have to fear saying the wrong thing on a phone call knowing I will be broken up with. So my question is are we brainwashed to be with someone or is it so bad being alone? Reading everyone's post there is a tremendous amount of heartache and emotional pain. Are relationships truly worth it for the limited amount of joy they do bring? Are they worth it knowing after the honeymoon stage it is constant work? I am not judging just wondering what everyone's thoughts are.

[Baglady]

Hi Mind,
I'm glad that your thoughts strayed this way because I've been feeling the same way for the last several months now.  Brief backstory - 21 year marriage imploded this time last year due to my exBPDh's psychotic break after what I now belatedly recognize as a lifetime of undiagnosed BPD.  Everything in my marriage makes sense now 

I'm feeling so much better and really getting over the worst of the grief for what I thought my life was and would be.  I enjoy priceless tried-and-true friendships, have a healthy and loving relationship with my amazing teen son and the sweet affection of my kitty.  I'm in the process of weeding out "unsafe" or "unhelpful" family members and rebuilding new relationships with the ones that came through for me this year.  I'm reaching out and making new friends.  I'm in serious therapy.  I'm fortunate to have a fulfilling career.  I'm so thankful and grateful for where I am after hitting the rock bottom hell of BPD domestic violence and abuse just a year ago.  I'm clawing back to a new, drama free healthy normal for the first time in my life.

In short, my cup is full.  I'm happy and getting happier every single day.  Why risk it all for an unknown man again?  Why take the chance on someone new?  Why bother with the stress of dating at my age?  Given my FOO and my marriage, I'm desperate not to repeat the pattern of attracting any more abusive people into my life.  I'm weighing the costs and benefits and honestly finding very much in favor of being alone going forward.  A new relationship just doesn't seem worth it in the face of losing my new-found equilibrium.  And I know this is unfair but I just feel that the dating pool at my age must be so murky - so much baggage on all sides.  And the thought of dealing with a blended family situation and possibly more tangled family relationships just turns my stomach and exhausts me.

Really hope that I'm not coming across as the bitter divorcee that I honestly don't feel I am!

Warmly,
B

[Mutt]

I'm weighing the costs and benefits and honestly finding very much in favor of being alone going forward.  A new relationship just doesn't seem worth it in the face of losing my new-found equilibrium.  And I know this is unfair but I just feel that the dating pool at my age must be so murky - so much baggage on all sides.

I think that it’s normal to be on high alert after both of your experiences dating in general is not easy but it can also be a fun experience when you meet someone new. You’re mindset at this moment is perfectly fine but fast forward a year, two years four years you might feel differently because this will eventually be behind you things will stabilize.

Carl Jung has said that we don’t need to be in a r/s but men and women do compliment each other well.

You’re right you’re not going to find someone without emotional baggage at any age but not everyone is going to treat you like your exes it’s night and day when someone treats you with respect because you’re healthier your partner is healthier there’s a lot there to offer .

My point is don’t do a disservice to yourself because of your expwBPD I completely understand the logic who wants to repeat that experience?

[once removed]

i think it is not good to be "alone". we are wired for bonding. if youre religious, god said its not good for man to be alone.

thats not to say we should at all times be in a romantic relationship, but that its good to be connected to others, and loved ones, in some form.

during my breakup i felt really isolated, but i tried to think about it more in terms of being "on my own", as opposed to "alone". the former is empowering, to me. it meant i was in control of rebuilding my life and environment. it meant i had to find my strength and lean on me.

i think when a heart is broken, and we are grieving, that renders us emotionally unavailable (not an inherently bad thing), and so its not uncommon to question the worth of relationships, for the prospect to seem daunting, or frankly terrifying. i think as we mend our hearts, its good to grieve, to connect with others, to tend to ourselves, to the extent we can to enjoy our independence, but that we also slowly and surely work through our feelings and fears (often at the heart of which is abandonment), and then learn the lessons we want to take into future relationships.

[Mindfried]

I do think it is an interesting topic to give deep thought too and great to discuss and get others thoughts and input. I have learned to take life as it comes both the good and bad. That's what makes it an adventure. Right now I am in full agreement with baglady. It very well may change but the one thing I do believe is constant conflict is not worth it. I think it is better to be emotionally healthy and by yourself instead of with a partner and unhappy. If two like minded people in their 50's should find one another one day then I will be more than open to it. I don't think anyone wants or choses to be lonely.

[once removed]

If two like minded people in their 50's should find one another one day then I will be more than open to it. I don't think anyone wants or choses to be lonely.

we can certainly find fulfilling connection to others without being in a romantic relationship.

the one thing that id add though, is that i think that if we want to find that like minded person some day, once we have grieved, we have to become the best version of ourselves that will attract that person.

if we want a relationship that isnt constant conflict, one that is healthy and happy, we have to be that person, live it, attract it, and know how to nurture it.

and yes, once we have grieved, we can do all of that outside a romantic relationship.

[Cromwell]

Hi Mindfried

The difference between being alone or single, and "lonely"

Ive not been in a serious relationship for just over a year but in comparison to 3 years together with her, ive enjoyed dating, new friendships, reconnecting or in some ways, rebuilding my own sense of self.

im not in a relationship now but I feel far more ready and it is about being in tune to this that has been important to me.

But im 100% against this idea of serendipity of one day finding "the one" and hoping it happens. "the one" is out there waiting for me and it is important for me, important enough that being in a healthy caring relationship is not just left to chance.

above all, know what you want and go for it and reject sociatal or cultural pressures that have zero relativity to the uniaque inidividual wants/needs and wishes that are intrinsic to our sense of self.

[Lucky Jim]

Are relationships truly worth it for the limited amount of joy they do bring?

Hey Mindfried, I would argue that there's a big difference between relationships in general and BPD relationships, with the latter in a category all their own.  I would rather be alone than in a BPD r/s, as you suggest.  On the other hand, I wouldn't rule out a healthy r/s, which I view as a different kettle of fish.

LJ

[OrionLeonardo]

So my question is are we brainwashed to be with someone or is it so bad being alone? Reading everyone's post there is a tremendous amount of heartache and emotional pain. Are relationships truly worth it for the limited amount of joy they do bring? Are they worth it knowing after the honeymoon stage it is constant work?

Mindfried,

Thank you for your post. I have been doing a lot of thinking on this for many reasons. In the front of my mind is the r/s I am now just under 4 months out of. I'm not near done grieving. My second thought is that growing up I did not see many healthy r/s. My parents split when I was very young. Although my father got remarried and is still married to that woman, my mother has been remarried I believe 3 times and is unhappily married currently. There are 4 of us kids and if the rumor is true we all have different fathers. It doesn't give me tons of hope for future r/s.
I tend to get caught up in the Disney picture of how things turn out. That love will prevail. I have been processing that for the last few months.
I think when we take the time to love ourselves first, we can find someone who compliments us and even after the honeymoon stage it is possible for things not to be "hard". I quote that because life will always have its ups and downs. I have been picking the brains of the people in long term relationships for years in a sort of quest to the secrets of having long term happy loving relationships.
I don't think its bad to be alone. I don't really enjoy it although I am coming to understand how useful it can be. It is better to be alone than with the wrong person.
I think society has done many disservices to us. Instant gratification being one. We think when we are out of the honeymoon stage and things are hard we want that "love" like we had. We aren't taught how love grows and changes and if you can work through the downs healthily with your other "half" it ultimately makes you stronger. It's too easy to go out and find a new "love" which is normally just lust.
Throughout recovering from this relationship I was told by my T that we grow up in a certain environment and upon leaving the "house" we think its over. Then we go out into the world and find a mate who recreates similar situations for us in an attempt to heal the old wounds, most of the time unsuccessfully. This bit of information hit me like a train. I started looking at my whole life. It seemed spot on for what I had done. For me this relationship was familiar in the chaos that it brought me. Never really knowing what the problem was, never really knowing how to fix it and the right answer still not being good enough.
They don't teach in school self love and not to sound judgmental, its not taught in a lot of homes either. People are busy chasing dollars and keeping up with the Jones's.
I am honestly ready to be alone to look at what I can do to love me. I feel like once that happens, a real honest healthy loving relationship will be possible. I am ready to be one of the people who can say I am not lonely just because I am alone.

Do you notice that in the heartache of the post, we have all done something to earn the heartache? That sounds harsh, I can't think of a better word right now. My point is all of us here did something(s) that got us into these situations. I ignored too many red flags, let too many things slide and earned the backlash of finally setting boundaries. I could have never guessed in asking for respect, I could be given heartache. Its a price that even in the middle of the grief I still feel, I am willing to take.

I think if we all focus on loving ourselves, we will avoid these problems because the first sign of bs, we will walk away. Our happiness won't be able to be taken from us.

[Harley Quinn]

Beautifully said OL.  I read somewhere that the word alone could also be seen as all one, as in whole. I've come to find whilst on my own quest to learn self love that I am happily alone.  I am whole, without the need of someone else to complete me. I am enough.  

Love and light x

[Mindfried]

Great post and insight Orion. Like I said it is an interesting topic of discussion. Thank you

[MeandThee29]

I'm choosing to remain alone for a variety of reasons. I still pray for a miracle with my pwBPD, but realistically know that I'm likely going to remain alone for good. I'm a little older than the original poster and am fine as I am.

I always have something going on, so I'm alone, but far from alone. It took me awhile in counselling to get to the point that I was feeling sufficient as things are, but I'm good now. I had a bit of a victim mentality going into this that I had to work on too.

[Mindfried]

I don't think there is a right or wrong answer. It is obviously a personal choice. I think in a perfect world we would all like to be in a happy and healthy relationship with a significant other. I think with 50% of the population being divorced and the other 35% wishing they were divorced the odds are against it. When you find the love of your life cherish them and hope they cherish you right back.

[Mutt]

I think that it depends with where you are, if I’m in s r/s with someone I am right now I’m not thinking that I’m going to be alone. If I’m going through a horrible breakup you’re not going to want to repeat something like it’s natural to say that you dinrtwant to get into a r/s. You need more time behind you Mindfried.

[OrionLeonardo]

I'm with Mutt. We need more time behind us. Healing is a process. Self love is so important. Even in thinking about being in a relationship at some point in the future, I know learning what I can now will only benifit me from repeating heartache like this.

I don't think anyone should rule out finding someone. Things happen in unexpected ways sometimes and love is so strong. I like the saying that love doesn't hurt, it is the absence of love. I'm also for seeing the love we have even if not in romantic ways.

  (s) for everyone

[Mutt]

Things happen in unexpected ways sometimes and love is so strong.

That is so true. My gf that I’m with now was surprising to me I didn’t know that she had feelings for me and it’s fun when it’s unexpected. I guess don’t close your heart completely.

The lessons I learned from my marriage to an undiagnosed borderline helped in this r/s a lot if I hadn’t learned some things I’m pretty sure that this r/s would have ended but that’s ok too we’re compatible with many many people.

[Circle]

Hi,
Great original post.
It is not so bad being alone.
I have spent much of my adult life alone, with about a half of it in relationships.
Relationships are overrated.
Even at their best, people can be too much.
Animals are amazing though.
I am with my dog almost all day every day and he hardly ever troubles me.
Some philosophers, like Osho said that being alone is our natural state.
Of course, group-think thinks otherwise.
I feel we do need each other and family.
Yet we also need just ourselves.
It is a balance thing.
If we spend too much time alone, or too much time with people, we go out of balance.
Of course everyone has their own balance.
Sometimes I get so focused on relationships and sex, that it seems like other little things pale in comparison.
Like I may see an older single person and feel sorry for their solitary life.
Or I may see a mailbox sitting there and not see the beauty in it.
Because it is not the beauty of a woman, I imagine that it is insignificant somehow.
That is me thinking like a clod brain.
My focus at those times has become so narrow that I am not seeing the bigger picture.
It is only when we can be with the pain of loss, then heal it by embracing it, that we can start to see things on a larger scale again.
The larger scale doesn't necessarily need to orbit around a relationship.
It can, but it doesn't need to.
Y'know?

[Cromwell]

awesome and inspiring post Circle, thank you.

id like to add emphasis to the point that the cure for loneliness if experienced does not automatically or necessarily become solved by being in a relationship. It was a lonely 3 years together with my BPDx, I saw her virtually every day, on the surface, it was good company, yet inside I felt very alone, more so than I discarded her.

a relationship is not a cure-for-all for loneliness. It can be distracting or occupying time, but it can be equally a very lonely experience in the company with a mis-match who doesnt provide true genuine fulfillment of what is wanted.