New to the Jekyll/Hyde roller coaster

[Ozzie101]

Hello, I'm new here. My husband and I have been married for three years and at first, things were great. Yes, he had occasional moodiness, but nothing too bad. Then this past summer things changed. After doing a lot of reading online, I feel like he has non-diagnosed BPD.

A lot of stressful situations hit very close together this summer:
I had a (non-life-threatening) medical issue.
I had a major car accident (not a scratch on me but it was terrifying particularly for him).
Stress at his job increased due to some subordinates' mental health issues.
His psychiatrist put him on a medication (he's been diagnosed with anxiety and depression) that worked but that caused weight gain (HUGE trigger for him).
He was adopted as an infant and we found and met his birth family.

All of these things are stressful, I know. And I help and support him how I can. But if anything, he seems to be getting worse.

The weight was a major problem that seems to finally be getting better. He was overweight in college and his mother was very critical of him during that time. He lost the weight and kept it off but is now hyper-sensitive to any gain. He was (and still is) furious with the doctor who prescribed it, in spite of him being very clear that he could not tolerate any medicine that caused weight gain. During that crisis, he was constantly after me to contact doctors in my family for advice and to get them to prescribe something. Their specialties aren't even remotely close to psychiatry or weight control and there was nothing they knew of. They gave what advice they could and used contacts to get names of other potential doctors, though those didn't pan out. And prescribing certain meds to a non-patient is unethical, immoral, dangerous and possibly illegal in some cases. Yet he was convinced they wouldn't help (his definition of help is giving him what he wants) because they don't like him. His response to the weight gain is to decide to just not eat all day. Then he'll not each much dinner and have a couple of glasses of wine. Not a good combo. The hunger makes him more irritable and he's a mean drunk.

My family is actually a BIG source of stress. I have a large, close-knit family. They're not perfect, by any means, but I do love them. He's an only child who never really clicked with his adoptive parents. He frequently accuses me of taking my family's side over his and being loyal to them over him. I don't prefer them and I'm not blind to their faults. The thing is, there's nothing to take sides over. Not one person has said one word or even hinted around in a negative way about him. He's divorced with a child and he's convinced that they look down on him for that, even though there are other divorced people in my family who are all accepted and welcomed. No matter how I try to convince him otherwise, he won't listen or believe me. He accuses me of defending them instead. Every now and then, in one of his rages, he tells me he wants me to cut them off completely, to prove that I choose him over them. He always drops it, but this is agonizing for me, especially when they don't dislike him and in fact, try to help him however they can. One day he's wanting to invite my parents for dinner. The next he never wants to see them again. He even became convinced that someone in my family must have molested me and then brainwashed me to forget. I KNOW that didn't happen. But even in his rational moments, he'll accuse them of it.

The biological family issue has actually, in some ways, been a positive. He's making a real connection with them, one he hasn't had with his adoptive family. I'm hopeful that will give him some insight into closer family relationships and maybe he'll understand why I love and enjoy being with my family.

The rages are more frequent. For a while there they were violent -- never towards me but he broke a few things. That part has gotten better, but he still says very hurtful things. He says I only married him for his money and I wouldn't care if he died. He says I'd be a horrible mother. He tells me to cut off my family. He threatens to quit his job and then gets very nasty and smug, telling me "Well, you'll just have to get two more jobs to make up the difference. How does that sound? It's not my problem." He tells me he wants a divorce. One time he went so far as to go upstairs and grab a suitcase. When I said, "No. I'll go" and grabbed my own bag, he backtracked pretty darn fast. He says he feels like killing himself. Once he opened some pill bottles and said he was going to take them all. I knew he was bluffing (and he was).
We'll end up in round-and-round "discussions" that go on half the night.
Then, sometimes just a few minutes later, he's apologizing and saying he didn't mean any of it.

He'll act in a very irrational manner and lash out. A friend of more than 20 years will be slow responding to a text and he'll say he's going to cut that person off. Or if my stepson's mother is slow to respond or doesn't respond the way he wants, he'll tell me he's going to sue her for full custody and tell his son what a loser his mother is. When I try to reason with him, he starts raging at me.

He'll do similar things with me. It's like he expects me to read his mind. If he has a crazy busy day running errands after work, he'll accuse me of just being home and not helping. I point out he didn't tell me he had errands and I would have been happy to run them if he'd asked. He then says I should have known. If I say or do something that upsets him, he says I don't "get" him and that at this point in the relationship, I should understand him completely. He acts that way about other people too. A few weeks ago, he was asking a friend of ours something in such a roundabout way that neither of us had a clue what he was getting at. When we didn't understand, he got frustrated and pouty -- and blew up at me after the friend left.

He's insisted he told me something when I know he didn't. He insisted my parents didn't respond to a text they sent him and when I asked them, they never got it (and had the text string to prove it). I didn't call him out on that one.

I'm working on some things now, like not fighting back, trying to say things like "I can see how that upsets you." But it's very, VERY hard, especially when I and people I love are being accused of some pretty vile things. Or when I have no clue what might set him off. Or when he threatens to do something that will have massive consequences. It's like I'm constantly walking a tightrope. And each day, I never know which husband I'm going to have: the one who loves me and treats me well and tells me how happy he is to have me or the one who acts like he can barely look at me and tells me what a horrible person I am.

I'm hoping some of you may recognize the behavior I'm seeing and may have some advice on coping skills. I want to help my husband. I want him to be happy and I want to keep my marriage going. But something's going to give at this rate.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Radcliff]

You're in the right place.  Your husband's behaviors are very recognizable to us, and yes, we can help with support and coping skills.  It's one thing to read about the coping skills and another to put them into practice.  Successes alternate with failures, and it's good to have a supportive community like this one to work things through with.

It's common for stressful life events to make BPD symptoms worse, and its possible or things to spiral downward without a good bit of hard work and some good fortune.  For a good primer, take a look at this article, What Does It Take To Be In a BPD Relationship?

That's great that you have started learning not to “justify, argue, defend, or explain” (JADE).  Yes, it can be really tough, but as you may have seen, you get a good payback in reducing conflict.

A key tool to get really good at to support your husband is validation.  To learn more about validation, take a look at this excellent page on how to validate and avoid being invalidating. 

It's important to balance being supportive of your husband with having boundaries and looking out for yourself, otherwise things aren't sustainable.  Many members have trouble with long conversations that go into the night.  You need sleep.  If we were to talk about one area to work to make life more bearable for you, would this be a good one?  Or would it be better to start with something that feels more pressing to improve?

RC

[Ozzie101]

Thank you very much. Those links are helpful. I know I've got a lot of work ahead of me.

I just wish he were open to therapy. He sees a psychiatrist for anxiety and depression but he says he's tried therapists before and that doesn't work for him. So, he refuses to go. If I so much as hint at going myself (I have done it before during a difficult time and found it helpful) he flips out.

Yes, not JADE-ing is tough -- especially when he's saying truly awful things about people I love. I'm working at validating without actually agreeing with the facts of what he says.

Having boundaries is difficult and, yes, the long circular conversations full of irrational statements and personal attacks are horrible. I think if I knew some tools to use when he's getting into one of those -- or at least how to react when he goes into a rage and starts making utterly irrational comments and demands so that I don't end up shaking and sick to my stomach, that would be most helpful.

[isilme]

I didn't call him out on that one.

best policy much of the time.

BPD makes emotions = facts, but since emotions change, so do facts for them.  This is a big problem with us trying to communicate with them - we see events and conversations as happening one way, they see it in changing ways, like ocean waves, so what we think is solid ground becomes quicksand.

Therapy or BPD is hard - it requires finding the right kind of therapy, and also the pwBPD being able to be honest and introspective and accept their roles in how they make drama.  The very nature of BPD prevents this in many cases.  It's good he's working on depression and anxiety - it's better than nothing. 

You can't fix all the stress, and you can't manage his emotions.  You can validate the valid - not things you know to be untrue, and you can validate his feelings about things, without agreeing they are "correct".  Sometimes, I find it's best to say nothing at all unless the runaway train of rumination has started, he is getting more agitated, or it's very late at night and I really need to get some sleep.

Take care of you, how you react, learn to use some of the tools, baby steps.  Small changes in what YOU do WILL make a change over time.  BPD is always there, it does not go away.  It can get better, it can get worse based in input, health and stress. but you CAN make changes to the overal situation simply by working on you.

[Ozzie101]

Thank you.

The emotions=facts thing is something I need to work on getting my head around. I'm a very rational person and dealing with the irrational is way out of my comfort zone. But I think I'm starting to learn. And I'm trying to validate feelings.

He's bouncing from one issue to another with increasing frequency, finding a new thing or person to lash out at. It seems to be getting worse. The other night, he got SUPER worked-up because he found out I voted against an amendment allowing casinos in some counties. I don't have a moral problem with gambling. I just didn't think the amendment was being handled in the right way. He took it as a personal attack since he enjoys visiting a casino or the horse races every now and then (no, he doesn't have a problem -- not even close). He went on about that for hours, feeling like I'd voted against him. Turns out, an old friend of mine (a male but there's never been any romance there) posted something on Facebook days ago about the same issue. I never read his post and had no clue about his vote. But for my husband, we were both ganging up on him. Yet, honestly, I didn't give him a thought when I cast my vote. When we'd discussed it briefly one night, he hadn't acted like that issue was a big deal to him.

Today, he started bringing up my family again, about how they'd never apologized to him for the problems they'd caused and about how he's the only one who ever ends up hurt in relationships. They're not affected at all and since they don't care about him, their lives go on as usual. Painful to hear that because I know it does hurt them that we don't show up as much. They do care about him and they know there are difficulties, which has caused them a lot of pain and worry. And the strain and tension leaves me with a LOT of pain. Torn between my family and husband is a miserable place to be. I can handle it but it's frustrating and painful that he doesn't recognize or acknowledge that at all, that I'm being put in the middle.

I can't even respond to texts from sisters or show support for a niece or nephew without him telling me that doing so is betraying him.

Thing is, how do I deal with a situation where he's acting and reacting on pure emotion and seeing things one way and my family sees it a different way. They're trying to understand, but they don't live in it and they don't fully "get it." So, to him, they seem uncaring and horrible. I know they just don't understand the situation. They're hurt, confused and struggling to know what to do when his feelings and wants and needs change on a daily basis. They didn't marry him. I put them in this situation. At the same time, they're my family and their not handling things in a way that works for him just makes him worse and hurts him. So, basically, everything makes me feel guilty.

[Ozzie101]

I do have another question: How do people in relationships with people with BPD handle potentially abusive situations?

My husband has never hurt me physically. But, he has broken a very nice ceramic platter that was a wedding gift from a now-deceased family friend ("I never liked that thing anyway."), our oven door, glasses. He has thrown side tables and often has kicked our ottoman halfway across the room.

He has shown more signs of emotional abuse but, again, only in a rage. He'll make fun of my speech patterns. He mimics me and mocks my names for my father and grandfather. He demands that I cut all ties with my family and says I'm tied to their apron strings even though I don't see them very often or talk/text much at all. He lashes out at my relationship with my oldest friend -- a guy, but he's asexual and there's never even remotely been any romance and he lives in another state so we rarely talk or see each other. He calls me stupid and uncaring and a horrible person if I don't read his mind or handle a situation the way he would. I'm gutless because I won't stand up to people (by his definition -- he means yell at people and cut them off as opposed to discussing a problem calmly and listening to their side of the story, then reaching a compromise, which is my method). He'll lie and then insist that I have it wrong. He'll change his opinion or stand on something and blame me for being confused.

This is all escalating. He's obsessed with my family and how they've wronged him. Recently, I've been more validating -- not arguing back. It keeps him from flying off, but the obsession continues. I'm afraid the damage has been done and there's no repairing it.

Lately I just don't know what to do. Are there resources I should use? Things I should try? I don't want to leave him. I want to help. I love him. But at the same time, I'm growing increasingly beaten down and a little bit afraid. I will not cut off friends and family when they haven't done anything wrong. Yet it seems like that's the only thing that would satisfy him.