First Relationship with BPD Girl

[joel050283]

I was with a girl - we fell crazy in love, she was beautiful caring all of the things.  One day she left for a job in Toronto, things ended, but within a few days she came back to me.  This happened twice, the last time she swore up and down how much she wanted to make a life with me.  We met at a time I had been split up with my ex -wife for about 9 months, this was my first real relationship. 

About a month after moving in - things were amazing, she did such kind and caring things.  We had plans for the weekend, the kids were coming to stay with us.

The night before she left, I sensed something was off, I asked and she went cold.  The next day I went to work only to get a text - I cant be in a relationship anymore.  There was some back and forth, and she just said she needed to be on her own. 

I moved the next day.  I heard from her a few times when she needed stuff, but that was it.  I have emailed her to say look this how I feel lets work this out, the only responses I get are I am have moved on with my life you need to do the same, leave me alone.

Anyhow this is all so confusing and heartbreaking, I cant make sense of it.  I feel like I am waiting for her to text me all the time, but I try to remember its time to let go.

Just looking for perspective from other people that have experienced this.  I am struggling with do I support this person if she needs help, or just cut my losses.  I am not certain she will ever contact me again, but that is usually her pattern, and do I say look as your friend I can be there, but I am scared that would lead me back down the same road.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Radcliff]

Being in a relationship with a person with BPD can be very confusing.  The first thing to realize is that there is a lot going on inside her that has nothing to do with you.  Things she does might not seem rationally related to what you're doing or feeling.  For those of us involved with a pwBPD, this can really throw us for a loop.  If we don't have a lot of relationship experience, it can be especially disorienting.

If she showed up tomorrow, would you want to be in a committed relationship with her?  What are some things that might make you lean towards or against that?

RC

[joel050283]

That's the confusing part.  Because I have only seen the kind and beautiful part of this person, who is nice and full of love and couldn't hurt a fly.  When she changes her perspective of me she doesn't get mean and yell, she runs away.  Unlike my past marriage to someone who screamed and yelled and threw stuff.  So I do see this wonderful person, but also I feel it will eventually take its toll on me worrying about her when she runs.

[itsmeSnap]

Same here, apparently running away is a recurring theme.

You mentioned she lived with you, did she move in with you or you with her? Did she stay at the same place or went to "live" somewhere else?

I ask this because in my experience with a girl with BPD she could cause all sorts of problems but will come back to the apt even after a huge fight and crying and police involved so think about this.

Sounds like you moved in with her, did you have a place to move back to? Do you think you'd move out again in the future if that sweet caring woman you know started pushing you away again?

Remember BPDs cause trouble to test your resolve, they want to fail, they want you to look past them.

What you do after is your choice.

Be strong buddy, we're here for you.

[joel050283]

I own my own house and moved into her place, she broke up out of nowhere, so I went home.  My situation was complicated my ex wife lived in old house I owned... .an we were renting a place from her family, so when she left I had to leave.  She said I could stay for a while untill I got my house back, I wish I did stay, I feel like me leaving pushed her away more . 

[joel050283]

Funniest thing I ended a 10 year marriage with someone and that was easier because there was closure and communication

[Radcliff]

When my wife would talk about breaking up, I said that I couldn't stop her, but that I wasn't willing to discuss it until she'd thought it over for two weeks.  I said if she still felt the same two weeks later, we could start the process.  She never felt the same two weeks later.  It took me a long time to figure out to do this.  Before I figured it out, I'd react to each breakup threat as if it was real.

Now, you are living in separate homes and she doesn't want contact.  It seems as if the increasing seriousness of the relationship was threatening to her, and she pulled away.  If you overpursue her, she will pull away further.  Your best bet is to leave it alone for a week or two, then perhaps think of a very neutral way to reach out to her, like saying you were thinking of her and hope she's well, or you were remembering something nice you did together.  Nothing over the top, and nothing that asks her to do anything or feel anything, either explicitly or implicitly.  But for now, you need to concentrate on self care and give her some space.  Does that make sense?

RC

[joel050283]

It does I reached out too soon. And got a very cold response. About blocking me from her life. 

She informed me she has moved on physically. Emotionally , and mentally and I need to do the same.

The funny thing is, when I was with her she did the same things to previous guys who were trying to contact , one of whom she has ran back two after a breakup.  I am starting to see the pattern, that she kinda has kinda do this with a few off us. I thought I was different for some reason, a big punch to the stomach I tell ya.

[joel050283]

I guess , what I am saying is I am starting to see there is no hope of this working out .  I have 2 kids, and have to look out for them , they were attached.  I feel like no matter what when she does, try to come back it will just be a situation of rinse and repeat.  I am feeling like it needs to be about self preservation at this point.

[joel050283]

I am trying to understand ... .this person has told me three times she is blocking and deleting her email accounts, but then every few days I get an email asking if she has gotten any mail from that same account.  This is very confusing because , the mail is nothing important... .something she could call and get re sent eg statements. 

I offered to forward mail , but then asks me to deliver it to her family instead.

It is just consuming behavior.  I just left it in a mailbox at her family's.

Maybe it really is about the mail, but I am feeling like it's more, because the mail is of no value

[joel050283]

Forgot to mention, anytime I respond I have asked of she was well, but she does not respond to any of that, and ignores, it's just a response about the mail. It just seems so odd.

[once removed]

how many times has she asked about the mail?

[joel050283]

3rd time, and each time said there won't be any more , see ya then a few days go by ... .

[once removed]

why not tell her, if it happens again, that if any mail for her comes, youll deliver it to her parents as requested? then leave it at that.

what do you think?

[joel050283]

I did that... .said I would just mail it.  But insisted I delivered in person. Like I don't even know where she lives now... .it's just weird I guess.  But I am starting to think I might have to just block it all, it's starting to feel like a tactic is what I am saying.

Don't talk to me, but I will keep contacting you.

[once removed]

it is strange.

this is a board for reversing a breakup, and we are here to support you in that, but i dont see what purpose, specifically, these exchanges serve for either of you. im not sure id block it, but i might, having said all that needs to be said, stop responding.

dont the two of you live in a completely different home now?

[joel050283]

Yes I we live apart as of 3 weeks ago, I want to bring her into my life again ... .but I am just lost ... .like I try to engage gently but nothing , but she finds ways to reach out to me but in a cold and distant way

[once removed]

if there is anything going on behind the reach outs (and its hard to say if there is), she might just have to change it up. either way, it sounds like its not something youre taking well.

[merkaba1]

Hello, I am sorry to hear of your problem. How long will it take of no contact before she contacts you again?

I just posted a thread before reading yours and although our situation is different I feel the pain of running. My gut tells me that running is a defensive tactic. Perhaps she felt things were too good, or getting to close or serious which triggered real pain from her past? And to be honest, it could have been the smallest thing that caused this triggering. I may be totally wrong on that note.

I do like what I believe rad said about removing and not chasing after. I fall into this same pitfall too and it doesn't really seem to help. Once I lovingly detach she seems to come back.

If you don't want her back (and you don't have to make that choice right now) perhaps a total cut off would help. I say this because if I wanted to be done I would have a hard time with random calls for meaningless things.  What happens within your body when you get contacted be it cold or loving? Do you light up, or recoil? Pay attention to those feelings as they should guide you.

Best of luck and we are here for you

[Euler2718]

"When my wife would talk about breaking up, I said that I couldn't stop her, but that I wasn't willing to discuss it until she'd thought it over for two weeks.  I said if she still felt the same two weeks later, we could start the process.  She never felt the same two weeks later.  It took me a long time to figure out to do this.  Before I figured it out, I'd react to each breakup threat as if it was real."

Oh, if only I had known not to panic or to say this... .too late now though.

[Euler2718]

"The funny thing is, when I was with her she did the same things to previous guys who were trying to contact , one of whom she has ran back two after a breakup.  I am starting to see the pattern, that she kinda has kinda do this with a few off us. I thought I was different for some reason, a big punch to the stomach I tell ya"

Ditto. All my life I wanted to feel special. So you wanna believe it. Sucks to find out your part of a "collection" ick!

[joel050283]

Yes it's not easy man, feel helpless I want to reach out but I don't think it will go well at this point.  I don't want to hide and be weak, but now we even have mutual fb friends , she is adding . 

I think it's best to just give her the space she wants.  But it's hard knowing she probably isn't thinking of me the way I am worried about her. 


I also know the longer this goes on the more out of her mind I am.

[joel050283]

Update :. Just got another reques (4th in a week) for mail, after she said there wouldn't be anymore each time

I just replied I will keep an eye out, and asked how she has been.  All I got back was "thanks".

Any tips on the communication here?  Do I just leave it at that, and see if she reaches out again?

[once removed]

Do I just leave it at that, and see if she reaches out again?

if youre okay with this as the status quo, sure.

she probably will reach out again, though eventually she will stop. do you want to keep telling her the same thing? do you want to have her keep responding in the same way?

[joel050283]

No I don't , I am just not sure, like I feel like either I tell her to stop or if she wants serious conversation then let's have it.

[once removed]

alternatively, you can say something that closes the door (like, but only for example "if i see any mail, i will deliver it to your parents and let you know"), and at that point, if she continues, id stop responding.

[joel050283]

Thank you ... .that's where I left it. I said mail will get there, if you are looking to to talk feel free , otherwise don't worry about mail it will get there .  But in a nice way. 

Need to get out of the in-between stage , because I can't figure out if she is coming back or not.

[once removed]

my advice would be not to further respond. i wouldnt probe to see if she wants to talk, or if she wants to discuss anything else.

if she does, she will.

[joel050283]

I agree, it's just stressful and so hard to understand.

[joel050283]

Certainly difficult to navigate , I tried to ask why she was upset, she said she doesn't want to talk, so I will just leave it at that.

It's just hard to wrap my head around a someone wanting to get married one day, and I just stop existing to them the next.

It has been a difficult time.