ended relationship with BPD boyfriend

[Depression = 72% of members]

Feeling so much shame and insecurity at this time ... .As I've ended the relationship with BPD boyfriend ... .And he's threatened to harm my family ... .Have an Order of Protection in place ... .And have gone no contact ... .Knowing this is the right thing to do ... .But didn't think I would feel so much SHAME ... .in that I went into the relationship knowing he was BPD ... .and felt I could protect myself ... .and handle it ok ... .I now feel so insecure ... .So shameful that he has still managed to hurt me so deeply ... .Please ... .How do I manage this ?

[Harlygirl]

Feeling so much shame and insecurity at this time ... .As I've ended the relationship with BPD boyfriend ... .And he's threatened to harm my family ... .Have an Order of Protection in place ... .And have gone no contact ... .Knowing this is the right thing to do ... .But didn't think I would feel so much SHAME ... .in that I went into the relationship knowing he was BPD ... .and felt I could protect myself ... .and handle it ok ... .I now feel so insecure ... .So shameful that he has still managed to hurt me so deeply ... .Please ... .How do I manage this ?

[Mutt]

Hi Harlygirl,



Id like to welcome you to bpdfamily, I’m sorry for the circumstances that led you to this site. I’m glad that you have found us there is hope.

Many members here can relate with you. I can relate staying in a r/s where I knew something was seriously wrong and I kept thinking that things are going to get better. There’s no judgement here this is a place to speak freely about your experience.

How long where you together? Judging by how he treating you and your family horribly is he lashing out because you broke with him?

[Harlygirl]

Hi Mutt ... .To be honest ... .it seemed the cycle of devaluation was becoming worse ... .more intense ... .and not only directed at me ... .The verbal abuse becoming so aggressive towards myself ... .and then my adolescent daughter ... .escalating to threats of harm ... .and his physically blocking the doors to keep us from leaving ... .There's NO WAY I'm letting him abuse us that way ... .Told him he was not to return to the house ... .Petitioned and was granted an Order of Protection as we shared the same home ... .And knowing this ... .Knowing his capacity to be abusive in this way ... .How is it that I still grieve the loss of this relationship ? ... .

[Harlygirl]

We were together for 3 years ... .

[Mutt]

Knowing his capacity to be abusive in this way ... .How is it that I still grieve the loss of this relationship ? ... .

You were attached, he was someone that you cared a lot about to answer your question about grieving the r/s dynamics are very polarized with idealization and devaluation sometimes we hang on to that hope that s pwBPD will return back to a permanent idealization phase. Did you have hopes and dreams with him? The ending of your r/s can be seen as a transitive event you suffered loss grieving loss is normal.

What is your support network like in real life?

[Lucky Jim]

... .escalating to threats of harm ... .and his physically blocking the doors to keep us from leaving ... .There's NO WAY I'm letting him abuse us that way ... .Told him he was not to return to the house

Hey Harlygirl, Good for you!  Keep up the firm boundaries.  I'm sorry to hear what you are going through, yet I predict that one day you will be grateful to have ended your r/s.  Any type of trauma usually involves shame, so what you are feeling is normal.  My suggestion: Don't beat yourself up!  Hey, we're all human.  Now is a good time to treat yourself with kindness and compassion.

LuckyJim

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi Harlygirl,

I can relate to your situation. I was with my husband for seven years. I currently have an order of protection against him and have cut contact.

It took me a very long time to make that choice. I wish I had set boundaries long ago, because the level of abuse escalated to an extremely dangerous situation.

I feel shame and guilt too. Even after all he has done to me and my family, I still grieve the loss of the relationship... .not the one I had, but the one I thought I would have... .the one I kept hoping I would have.

I still feel sorry for him even though he refuses to accept that his behavior is the cause of our NC. He continues to portray himself as the broken hearted victim and me as the person who turned her back on him without provocation.

These feelings are natural. If we could simply stop feeling an emotional attachment to someone with whom we had a long-term relationship just because they behave in unsafe ways, that would not be natural.

And even if you went in to the relationship knowing about BPD, you couldn't have predicted how it would end up. Not everyone with BPD acts out in ways that threaten other people's safety. You made a healthy choice to protect yourself and your family, and that's something to be proud of. Many of us here went well over the edge of safety or sanity before putting boundaries in place.

How can we support you best? Please keep posting,

Blessings and peace,

Redeemed

[Harlygirl]

Thank you all for your support ... .I do have supportive family and friends ... .But some are very focused on rescuing my ex ... .As he can be very self destructive as well ... .And it seems he has been successful at using some friends and family ... .Who do not understand how this disorder works ... .to message me his need/desire to stay in communication with me ... .I understand their confusion ... .But truly want to end this ... .diffuse it ... .without making it any more painful than it has to be for all involved ... .How do I convey this ?

[once removed]

How do I convey this ?

what have you tried so far?

[Harlygirl]

Hi Spero ... .I've been spending a good amount of time trying to explain myself to some ... .As his behaviors are likely hard to imagine unless they've been witnessed... .But it can be exhausting ... .draining ... .leaving me feeling tired ... .and in trying to do so ... .I get confused ... .Feeling that although I want closure for him as well as myself ... .I have to be the one to provide that closure for him ... .and compromise myself in doing so ... .So as to also provide some relief to those I care about who are trying to rescue him ... .Very daunting ... .

[Mutt]

But truly want to end this ... .diffuse it ... .

I can understand the frustration with your efforts at this point not working. I'd like to echo Once Removed what have you tried? That being said, you already know that rescuing is not a good idea with pwBPD I'd like to extend that an say that rescuing is not generally good with non's to. Try not to put this on yourself or make it your duty to put out fires if they're not listening don't diffuse it ignore it eventually they'll understand that you're not interested in your ex.

I get confused ... .Feeling that although I want closure for him as well as myself ... .I have to be the one to provide that closure for him ... .and compromise myself in doing so ... .So as to also provide some relief to those I care about who are trying to rescue him ... .Very daunting ...

Yes very daunting it's not your responsibility to manage other people's feelings - feelings are about self management, don't rescue!

You don't have to provide closure for him he's escalating threats of harm, shift the focus away from them and want they need and focus on what you need by taking care of yourself eventually it will feel less daunting and you'll feel like you have less stress and more energy.

[Harlygirl]

Thank you Mutt  ... .For helping me to look ahead at where I need to be going ... .And need to be ... .emotionally and logically ... .It's not easy ... .But ultimately the right thing to do ... .