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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: How do I do this?  (Read 412 times)
H2H

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 14


« on: November 11, 2018, 04:44:25 PM »

My husband has been running a smear campaign against me. I'm disabled so he has had years to perfect it while I was housebound. I don't know what to do when friends I reach out to reject me, or when people I've known for years think of him as their dear friend who needs support, while I try to recover from the PTSD from the abuse mostly alone and isolated. I do have some good friends who understand and support me. I have a good counselor who helps. I just don't know how to process all this pain.
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spero
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
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Posts: 224


*beep beep!*


« Reply #1 on: November 12, 2018, 02:25:41 AM »

Hi there H2H,

Sending you greetings and Hi!. I am so sorry for the way you've been treated and having to experience this with your physical disabilities or limitations. You being homebound increases your vulnerability and risk unfortunately. I see that you have a counsellor, would this person be trained in psycho therapy and is able to process your pain with you?

Yours,
Spero
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Mindfried
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 115


« Reply #2 on: November 12, 2018, 09:13:28 AM »

I think the two postive takeaways from your post is you have a few good friends and a therapist. The best advice given to me was it takes time getting through and over emotional pain. If you can figure out a way to distract your mind and listen to postive messaging it seems helpful for me.
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H2H

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 14


« Reply #3 on: November 12, 2018, 09:34:27 AM »

I'm so scared, all the time.  I have nightmares. I can’t sleep well. I feel so torn apart.

After he retired, my husband changed. He raged at me every couple of days, over things he heard in his head that I never said or thought, I think. I've been chronically ill for a long time, but I was able to function well anyway, had a full and happy life. His rages took such a toll on me, I quickly became bedbound, often unable to speak, and unable to think clearly. I lived like that for several years, trying so hard to reach him, to make it stop. I went to live with a friend twice, started to recover, but had to return home when I developed allergies to her house. I told him he had to leave, I was too sick to leave. He refused and raged more.

Eventually, after years of failed counseling for PTSD,  he was diagnosed with PTSD, C-PTSD, and strong borderline traits (he has 4 instead of 5 traits). I was so isolated, so sick. He convinced our adult daughter that I had BPD, that I was controlling, such a burden, that he was the victim. He told people at church the same thing.

Finally he went into a VA hospital for PTSD treatment, for 4 months. I was able to find a roommate to help me, in exchange for rent. When he completed that, I told him he had to find another place to live, I was too scared of him. He's been out of the house for a little over a year now, counting hospital time. I hoped he would heal.

I knew he was spending our retirement money, but he wouldn't admit it. It took months after he was released to find out the whole truth (he'd refused to let me see the checkbook or any finances for years, it was only when he went into the hospital I started to find out how bad it was). He spent nearly all our retirement savings on women's clothes for himself (he can't decide if he's trans or not). He spent all our income, plus his VA disability benefits, plus my social security, on himself. He lied about the taxes, didn't mail the returns I helped fill out, so we have years of unfiled taxes to deal with. He resented getting me the meds I needed, didn't help when I had a severe asthma attack, just walked away. He resented feeding me twice a day. I still feel like a burden and am ashamed to ask for food sometimes, though my roommate assures me it's not a problem.

He was so abusive, yet he believed I was abusing him. I asked him how I'd abused him. He said I called him an ass. I asked if I'd ever done that when he wasn't already raging at me, he said no. It was self defense, not abuse. He still told people I was abusive. I guess he left out the part about screaming at me and slamming things around before I yelled back. I was stuck in my bed, couldn't leave, yet he still came in and attacked.

And when he wasn't doing that, I'd text him, I kept trying to reach him. Bad move on my part. Now I think I had some kind of Stockholm syndrome, I depended on him for food, for companionship, for everything, so I kept thinking if I could just love him enough, say things clearly enough, reach him somehow, he would become the man I'd married again. He didn't.

Now I'm trying to decide whether to legally separate or to divorce. It's so hard.

Our pastor came to see me last week, prayed for the marriage to heal, told me my husband was his dear friend, though he didn't understand the trans thing. He was kind, but even when I told him how bad things were, he  asked if I was willing to do whatever it took to make the marriage work. I think he believes H is a loving husband who is trying so hard to heal his own heart. I don't blame him, I believed that too, for years. Now I don’t know what to think.

H's counselor told him that while she thinks he can, with work, get better with the lying, blaming,  and spending, she doesn't know whether he will ever be able to handle his anger in a way that doesn't damage people close to him. I think he quoted her truthfully, though I sometimes can’t tell if he’s lying.

I think he’s finally starting to take his issues seriously, but he's so messed up. Sometimes he’ll admit he has BPD traits, but more often he tells people he doesn’t, he just has PTSD. He says he feels so empty and confused, that he regrets what he’s done, but also that he’s so ashamed of it all that if I talk about it, he gets so angry. He says it’s at himself, maybe it is, but I’m the one he targets. I still care about him, but I'm trying to break the bond, trauma bond, love, history of over 40 years of marriage, whatever it is.  I know he's dangerous to me and that I have to take care of myself now.  But the feelings are so hard.

I do have a couple of very good friends who have believed me and supported me all along, though they didn’t know how abusive he was (I didn't either, until he left the house and I could  think again), and I finally am able to work with a counselor via Skype. They have helped a lot. I just still feel so overwhelmed and scared and unsure of what to do.
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Cat Familiar
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
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« Reply #4 on: November 12, 2018, 10:41:46 AM »

Your husband says unkind and untrue things about you to mutual friends and you have no way of countering that and letting them know the truth since you're disabled and housebound. Fortunately you've got some good friends who support you and know the truth, plus you have a good counselor and that helps.

But it's impacting your life, giving you nightmares and you feel scared by how he behaves. He's tried to convince others that you're the problem and that he's merely a victim. He's been living elsewhere for a year and though he's had psychological treatment, his behavior hasn't improved.

You've discovered that he's flagrantly spent your retirement savings on women's clothes, believing that he might be trans, and then he never filed years worth of taxes.

He didn't support you when you needed assistance for your medical issues and believed you were the abusive one, and didn't see how he has behaved that way toward you. You kept hoping that he'd become the man you originally fell in love with, but that hasn't happened. It's really frustrating that he continues to pull the wool over other people's eyes and paint you as the troubled one.

Though he's starting to take some of his own mental health issues seriously, you wonder if you can continue to tolerate his anger and abuse. But your first priority now is to take care of yourself. You are contemplating legal separation and divorce, but you have a lot of sadness about your relationship.

Assuming he does not or cannot change, where do you see yourself in the next year? The next five years?
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“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
spero
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 224


*beep beep!*


« Reply #5 on: November 12, 2018, 11:43:31 AM »

Dear H2H,

Excerpt
I'm so scared, all the time.  I have nightmares. I can’t sleep well. I feel so torn apart.

I can see how this is severely affecting you, having to deal with your husband has affected you to the extent of nightmares and is affecting your healthy sleep. This is a really tough situation since his retirement has drastically left you in a crippled state of being in bed and unable to speak or think clearly.

There is alot at stake from what you've shared. Your safety, health and finances are all being compromised in light of the recent way your husband is behaving. Dear H2H, i can understand that your pastor came over for some pastoral care, would it be possible to have him find you a place to stay?

H2H, i suppose while your pastor had asked you if you were willing to make the marriage work, my deep concern is that, when he says that, it would put you in some sort of a religious obligation which would prevent you or deter you from prioritizing your safety and well being. That being said, H2H i do think that your pastor may not be well equipped to fully understand your predicament. Your pastor is also a long time friend of your husband, which makes things difficult for him to see your situation in a more neutral light.

Excerpt
Now I'm trying to decide whether to legally separate or to divorce. It's so hard.

Well, first H2H any form of abuse, regardless of the religious context. This is me quoting and paraphrasing - "Threatening or intentionally inflicting bodily harm against a spouse or other family members is a misdemeanor in most countries, punishable by fines, short-term imprisonment, or both. Which means that a husband who threatens and intentionally injures his wife is not only breaking God's moral law, but also the state’s civil law. In expecting his wife to quietly accept his threats and injuries, he is asking her to participate in his breaking of both God’s moral law and the state’s civil law."

Excerpt
H's counselor told him that while she thinks he can, with work, get better with the lying, blaming,  and spending, she doesn't know whether he will ever be able to handle his anger in a way that doesn't damage people close to him. I think he quoted her truthfully, though I sometimes can’t tell if he’s lying.

H2H, i think regardless if your H has quoted his counsellor or is lying, your present circumstances are telling of what can potentially happen should you maintain the degree of contact and closeness. His counselors word's seem to describe the predicament which you are in, that right now your husband does not have the tools to manage his anger in a way that doesn't damage people close to him. Unfortunately, and perhaps not by your own choice or even your actions per se, your husband seems to be triggering himself in your presence.

Excerpt
I still care about him, but I'm trying to break the bond, trauma bond, love, history of over 40 years of marriage, whatever it is. I know he's dangerous to me and that I have to take care of myself now.  But the feelings are so hard.

H2H i can sense how confused, hurt, distressed you are feeling, especially when this is the very same person we love deeply, it short circuits our brains. But being on this forum, i am very much concerned for your safety and well being. If your safety is being compromised, would it be possible again, to have your pastor help you out with moving somewhere safe so you can recuperate? or even some of your other friends. I am glad to know that you're seeing a counsellor. Could she/he also help you out with processing some of these things? I am not sure if that is a distinction between a counsellor and psycho therapist, but understanding your situation, if you're able to reach out to a person who is trained and familiar with cluster B mental issues, that would be to your greater benefit.

I think i'll pause here. Please do take good care, H2H.

Yours,
Spero
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H2H

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 14


« Reply #6 on: November 12, 2018, 05:50:15 PM »

Thank you all for your support. It really helps. I'm still new to the forum, so I'm not sure I'm posting in the right places. Let me know if this goes to the wrong group.

Ok, I guess I need to give this more time to work through. I just want the pain to stop. Already, reading what other people have posted has helped, just seeing that I'm not alone in the way I feel. I do feel like my brain has short circuited, that's part of why I'm so confused feeling, it's good to know it's not just me.

I don't know where I see myself in the next year, or the next 5 years. I've thought about moving in with DD2 and her family, it would be great to see the grandkids every day. But at the moment, I'm too sick to travel, it’s a major undertaking to even make the 15 minute trip to the doctor.  And DD2 lives hundreds of miles away.

I want to clarify, I am safe at the moment. I live in my house, with DD1 and roommates who are kind and supportive, help me with cooking and laundry and bringing me meals. Roomies are moving out next spring, so I'll have to find someone to replace them for my care, but at this time I am safe.

I am working with a lawyer on a legal separation or divorce. I don't have any religious convictions against divorce, but I am so torn emotionally. Right now what's holding it up is trying to get my husband to agree to financial terms. There has been information he's had to get that I didn't  have access to so it's been months of trying to get it. But I have it now, at least I think I have it all. So I have to decide whether to do separation or divorce, soon, so I can start healing. I know I have PTSD, and every time my husband gets mad at me, I get triggered again. Right now I'm no contact at all, but I'll have to have some kind of contact to finish the legal work.

So that's what's hardest for me right now, all the emotions. They're making it hard to make decisions. Contact/no contact, divorce or separate. Part of me wants back what we used to have. I don't think that's feasible, but that doesn't make me not want it so much. I'm so overwhelmed with conflicting feelings. My counselor helps me process a lot, but that's just once a week.  I know he's abusive, and I know I can't live in the same house with him. It's just so hard to keep that in my mind when I have decades of loving memories, and sometimes he's still kind. Then he gets angry suddenly, and that wrecks me.

I know this is so scattered. My brain just isn't functioning well.
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