Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 29, 2024, 09:47:19 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Expert insight for adult children
101
Family dynamics matter.
Alan Fruzzetti, PhD
Listening to shame
Brené Brown, PhD
Blame - why we do it?
Brené Brown, PhD
How to spot a liar
Pamela Meyer
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: How to rebuild again?  (Read 385 times)
Lien

*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Confidential
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Posts: 20


« on: November 13, 2018, 03:47:34 PM »

Hi everyone,

This is more about the greater family dynamic surrounding a person who potentially struggles with BPD., feel free to skip to the last paragraph if I’ve written too much to read!

A bit (eep, lot) more background:
It's been quite some time since I've written, the last thing I wrote was just before my SIL's wedding. Things have developed over the last few months, with my DH and I in counselling working on things on our end, but still struggling with his parents. We went to my uBPD SIL’s wedding, all of it including pictures etc, however we chose to not be there for the speeches or the dance. Our seats were right in front of the mic and everyone would be seeing us and our facial expressions while the speeches were happening. Neither of us thought that staying for those would be healthy for us or that we could give ourselves fully into the joy that being there should warrant (which wouldn't be fair to her, her husband or the other celebrants). We felt it was a good compromise. Sure, we weren't behaving as we typically do at weddings, but we did what we felt we could and took it step by step. We made sure to give them a thoughtful gift and sought them out to give them hugs at the end, even though my SIL didn't make eye contact with her brother once though out the whole day (She did not even acknowledge us when we came for photos - we would have had to physically jump in front of her or grab her to get her to look at us, one photo was taken and then we were told by the photographer that we were dismissed.) I personally felt like it was us showing that we were still there despite everything. Thank you to everyone who encouraged us in our process of discovering how we wanted to handle that! I was pretty proud of my husband, and myself, for how we did end up handling it.

After the wedding my MIL persisted in encouraging us to forgive and forget, telling us that we were avoiding things and not dealing with them (ironically we felt like we were the only ones dealing with things). I think she is putting all these expectations on us because that is what she does and expects from herself. It got to the point where the stress it put on us was not good and we explicitly told his parents that we needed space from them, not just my SIL. This was naturally heartbreaking for my MIL and she was shocked that we would need space from her, but only stress that we were facing wasn’t even due to my SIL, but was through my MIL's "Rescuing" behaviour. It was heartbreaking for us too, but the burden was so great that my husband was barely able to cope with things and even told her that he almost debated checking himself into the hospital. (What do you do when you continually state what happened and someone chooses to believe something other than what you experienced based on what another person said?) It was almost as if she couldn't receive that information and was just worried about how we were hurting her and my SIL. That conversation didn’t go well and ended with us needing to walk away because she kept on about things. It still hits me in the gut picturing walking away while she was distraught knowing that our choices were either compromise our boundaries or walk away.
Unfortunately, they didn't really give us much space. My FIL showed up at my husbands work to tell him that he needed to make it right because my MIL was curled up on the couch crying all the time, and my MIL brought it up with me while the women were setting up for my DH's cousin's wedding saying she didn't like how things were handled and that we should talk and deal with things, then again to my DH at the end of the reception. I saw the last one coming due to her prior behaviour and how my SIL disappeared with her after pouting at our table when I wasn’t paying attention to her (this cousin placed us with my SIL at the table knowing there were significant family issues... .we were polite but distant so that we could focus on enjoying ourselves and celebrating that cousin). When they came back, my naturally warm MIL was quite cool to me.

Our counsellor has been great and has been encouraging us to control what we can - which is ourselves and our responses. She also encouraged us to share our truths. My husband wrote a letter about how he’s been struggling and why we need space. He shared it with them and my MIL's response was to go straight back to the same conversation about us needing to forgive and, this time, threw in how we were acting unloving. All I can say is that I am glad I wasn't there for that conversation because I don't know if I would have handled it as well as my husband. He asked her how we were unloving over and over and all she could come up with was that we weren’t friends with my SIL or hugging her. He made it clear that space was very much needed for his health and the health of our marriage, that initiating things would have to be on his terms when he's ready. His mom texted a few days later saying she was sorry she hurt him, it was never her intention, and that she would respect his need for space. For my part, I flip-flopped on whether or not my voice was valid in this conversation when it is his family, I struggled with the thought of sharing how I was hurting, but our counsellor reminded me that unless we state our truths, they don't actually know them and aren't equipped to change what they don't know needs changing. Fair enough. When I finally was ready, I also read them a letter with my DH present. It did not go as well. Immediately the response was that I should understand that everyone is hurting (which I do, in the early days I've held my SIL as she's bawled over her struggles, I've held my husband as he cried over the loss of his sister, I've even held my MIL numerous times as she has sobbed over her daughter’s treatment of people), then into how our actions have not been forgiving or loving or kind or friendly, even going so far as to say that they have been grieving losing their children due to marriage (not why they aren't really talking to their son, so I felt that was unfair) and that they don’t take sides and are watching their children destroy each other. Examples were brought up and the expectation was made clear that I should be friendly with my SIL, so I finally very calmly but firmly said that "Of course I am not close to my SIL and I don't know how you could expect me to be" and asked for my MIL to stop using words like unloving and not forgiving. Then, of course, we reassured her that we thought her intentions were good (because I think we *are* all trying our best) and things smoothed over. No apology or text to me. Again, I'm not their child, so it is a different relationship, I suppose, but it still adds to the hurt for me.

At Thanksgiving we decided to drop in on his parents with desserts and stayed for about an hour. We’re trying to balance our need for space with also showing them that we still love them, which is hard. His parents has slowly started texting him or dropping in on him at work for lunch. We’ve started to talk about if we are comfortable with that yet or not. Things may seem “fine”, but we don’t know if we’re ready yet because things often seem fine and aren’t/explode. Christmas is coming up, and with it, greater family events. I find myself (normally a person who delights in these things) feeling terribly anxious about everything and so fearful of mis-stepping that in the past few months I've almost completely faded out of every relationship I've had with my DH's extended family members. I encountered a few instances where family had heard the story through my MIL about us being so unkind/unloving/unforgiving and finally realized that I have nothing to say to these things - not because they're true, but because I can't JADE to *them* either. But then, how do you walk into a room knowing the lies/misrepresentations that have been spread about you and not getting affected by them?

I love being away from the drama and find it so much better for us, but I also long to rebuild my relationship with my MIL and FIL, and even more want my husband to be able to do the same (which he wants as well) without living in denial, FOG or without boundaries. Even to be able to be around my SIL and maybe rebuild being a family, just with us being more protected with healthy boundries. But how do you begin rebuilding that after basically being no-contact/low-contact? Are there good strategies you all have for dealing with family members who are still caught up in the FOG or who spread that to others? I wish I could just be unaffected by things!
Logged
Harri
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 5981



« Reply #1 on: November 13, 2018, 06:07:48 PM »

Hi Lien and thanks for letting us know how you and your husband did at the wedding.   All in all I would say it went well given the people involved and the family situation.

Excerpt
I love being away from the drama and find it so much better for us, but I also long to rebuild my relationship with my MIL and FIL, and even more want my husband to be able to do the same (which he wants as well) without living in denial, FOG or without boundaries. Even to be able to be around my SIL and maybe rebuild being a family, just with us being more protected with healthy boundries. But how do you begin rebuilding that after basically being no-contact/low-contact? Are there good strategies you all have for dealing with family members who are still caught up in the FOG or who spread that to others? I wish I could just be unaffected by things!
  How do you rebuild?  Slowly.  Sorry, I am not being flip when I say that.  It is going to take time for you and your husband as you work on boundaries and getting comfortable with uncomfortable stuff, like when they push back or try to use guilt and obligation to get you to do what they want.  It will also take time on their end to get used to hearing and listening to your No, your boundaries, and coming to terms with all that means.  They may never get it fully but they may get to the point of acceptance.  Just as you  and your H will have to reach acceptance for certain things about them.
Excerpt
Are there good strategies you all have for dealing with family members who are still caught up in the FOG or who spread that to others? I wish I could just be unaffected by things!
  Do you mean that other people believe the side presented to them by your in Laws and SIL?  Can you explain more what you mean when you say you wish you could be unaffected by things? 
Logged

  "What is to give light must endure burning." ~Viktor Frankl
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!