Similar Symptoms to BPD - Need Advice

[commaman]

My girlfriend and I have been dating for over a year and things have been progressively going downhill in the last few months. We fell madly in love and could not get enough of each other in the beginning. The first few months were the happiest that either of us had ever been and everything seemed absolutely perfect. We really are a good match in nearly every way with similar passions and we have a fantastic time together when times are good. From the beginning she told me how she has had a very difficult time with relationships in the past, with extreme uncontrollable jealousy and negative feelings eventually consuming every relationship. The first outburst happened about a month in and it has been a wild rollercoaster ever since. The highest highs and the lowest lows. I have been with very emotional and moody partners before, but this was entirely different. Nothing about these outbursts made sense. It is like she fell in a black hole of despair and couldn't get out. These outbursts would happen a few times a month at first, usually triggered by me doing something with friends or on my own (jealousy/feelings of abandonment). It started out with her just getting cold with me and very visibly acting like something is wrong until I managed to get her to emotionally open up to me and I would comfort her. Sometimes these emotional states would last an hour and some times for a few days and it seemed like there was no rhyme or reason to the length or intensity. As the course of the relationship went on this foolishly led me to curb a lot the things that would trigger her which pretty much meant I didn't spend time with friends unless it was on her accord. I didn't really realise this was happening until quite late in the relationship.

These mood swings have increased dramatically in intensity and frequency and now they are dominating the relationship. Instead of just coldness, now they are either expressed with extreme rage or despair. I have handled it very poorly because it is always something I am doing to hurt her. I feel the need to defend myself and "call her out" on her unreasonable requests. The most usual triggers are me not telling her things or me changing plans. I am with her nearly 100% of the time, so I always chalked this up to spending too much time together. This has escalated to full blown verbal fights now with us saying very hurtful things to each other. It reached the point where I felt guilty every time I interacted with another person and I couldn't deal with the unreasonable requests anymore so I started responding harshly. I feel so ashamed of how I react and the way I try to defend myself by putting the blame back on her. I am always loving and supportive of her, but when we fight I can't handle it anymore. I have been in several multi-year relationships and even in the worst times I don't feel like I have ever been like this. She is constantly paranoid of me leaving her or not caring about her, but when she has an outburst she immediately wants to run away from the relationship because she can't take it anymore. When I have taken the requests seriously, she accuses me of abandoning her even more. It is like an endless loop and neither of us know how to get out of it. It seems to just suddenly resolve itself out of nowhere. I can't ever seem to reason about a situation and if I mention something that triggered an outburst before it can flip the switch again and she can immediately return to the rage or sadness.

I know this seems like just a jealousy and anger issue so far and that is what I always thought. That she just needed to handle her emotions in a better way (sounds so cruel now). I knew we were dealing with a serious issue, but I wasn't sure how to resolve it besides being a better boyfriend and suggesting therapy. She was very resistant and it took a long time to convince her. I guess she sees it as just the way that she is, but in my eyes an issue that has destroyed every relationship she has ever been in and causes frequent extreme misery that severely affects her work, her appetite, her sleep, her friendships is a pretty serious issue. We eventually tried online relationship counseling which helped us learn to de-escalate fights a bit better but did nothing for the emotional outbursts which still only increased in frequency. Unfortunately, we have been moving around a bit so we have no reasonable way of seeing a therapist in real life.

I had never heard of BPD until yesterday when I stumbled upon a description of someone with it. It was far too close to home and I was immediately moved to tears. I started to do some research and it was all frighteningly too familiar. She is very successful in her field of work, but always feels empty and directionless in life. Despite being an incredible person, she never feels good enough and seems to be in a constant identity crisis. I never saw this as being connected to the mood swings and thought it was because she is relatively young (mid 20s). She has extreme paranoia and trust issues (why do you take so long to reply, you never tell me anything, etc). She has had alcohol and promiscuity issues in the past, but has mostly resolved these. I don't think she has ever had suicidal ideation. I am not trying to diagnose her, but regardless she shares many of the same issues and I feel we can make the situation better if we both understand how to constructively handle these mood swings.

After reading about the SET method, everything made sense and I realised how terribly I have been reacting to her outbursts and how negatively I have been treating her. At first, I was 100% supportive and empathetic, perhaps too much so. I didn't set my boundaries and kept giving a little bit more until I was left in a situation where I felt uncomfortable being with my friends or on my own, because I know that it would hurt her. I realised this in the last few months, but unfortunately when I started standing up for myself it meant that I was no longer being empathetic or supportive. I just jumped from one end of the spectrum to the other and it made things so much worse. It amplified the feelings of abandonment ten fold and me "sticking to my guns" caused our fights to escalate horribly. I only read about the SET method today, but I immediately put it into action and it seemed to make things better. I told her that I loved her and understood her, but she needed to make some changes. She responded quite well. This gave me a lot of hope and perhaps I am a big part of the problem after all. I know these mood swings will never go away, she has dealt with them for her whole life, but I feel if we can manage the outcome then I can live with it.

Our current situation is that we are visiting separate countries for a few weeks, which is partly due to our fighting and needing a breather. This has helped me clear my head considerably, but for her it is absolute misery. She feels completely abandoned and it hurts me so bad the place she is in. She doesn't want to talk to me because it hurts, but she can't not talk to me because it hurts. She can hardly function with the negative feelings, though she hides it well around others. As I said above, in our last phone call, I was supportive, empathetic, and truthful and everything went well.

I really really love her and think we are good for each other in so many ways. I feel like I need to talk to her about what I have been reading about and how it is helping me understand but I do not want to come off like I am trying to diagnose her, which I am not. I am not convinced that she has any type of disorder, but I know she does experience a lot of the same issues. Is it okay to tactfully talk about this with her or is that a bad idea?

Do you think there is hope to this situation? I am about to start a new life with her in a new place and I was starting to feel hopeless until I stumbled upon these familiar stories. Thank you

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[commaman]

Sorry, I just realised I may have posted this to the wrong board. Can you please move it to Conflicted?

[Enabler]

Hey Commaman,

Firstly, welcome to the family. We're global, so you get 24/7 coverage with over 30k members... .we've got your back.

Discovering BPD is both awesome and terrifying at the same time. Firstly, it is generally seen as a very bad idea to confront your girlfriend with your newly found eureka moment. As much as you may think that you have found the answer to all of her problems, she may not see it that way and it's very likely to make things worse. Take your time and keep reading. Knowledge and understanding will help you make awesome choices, and help you understand your reality way better.

By the sounds of things your girlfriend has some cognition of how she has struggled in the past with her feelings in relationships. She's shown/told you about herself... .listen/hear... .she is telling you the truth.

My recommendation is that you read up on the various tips and tools on the top banner. Gavage as much information as possible so that you get a good understanding of how the disorder might be impacting your girlfriend and how it plays out in your relationship. Don't change anything in the relationship yet unless you feel unsafe, but spend the time observing, observing things under a different light. One of the other board members likes to use the term 'take yourself to 30,000ft' and see the relationship dynamic from a different perspective. We all have a role to play in conflict and dysfunction, see what your role is.

Keep posting questions and thoughts on here and people will respond to you. If you read other members posts I have no doubts you will find a host of common experiences and a wealth of informative responses. There's no such thing as a stupid question... .actually there is... .it's the one you don't ask.

Here for you,

Enabler   

[Radcliff]

Let me join Enabler in welcoming you.  There is, indeed, hope, especially since you have recognized what a big impact your own actions can have.  One of the best ways to use this board is to discuss the various coping tools like SET, how they worked, when they didn't, and get tips for making them more effective.  The support you can get here makes a big difference.  It's been a few days... .can you tell us how things are going?

RC