been blocked and i really want to save my relationship

[esmerelda72]

 

i really need some advise. i have been in a relationship with my gf for 18months. slowly realised she had traits of BPD after we split in the summer.  learnt eveyrthing i could about it and how to deal and we slowly got back together.  things were looking great (after immense learning and holding on my part) and just a few days ago we had a huge row (over my ex who i am not interested in) it resulted in me leaving her and the relationship.  i really didnt want to but im afraid i got so triggered that she wasnt listenting i just left (thats my wound).  now afer numerous emails and texts saying how horrible i was to her and how could i leave her and her kids - she has blocked me from all mediums.  how can i reach her. what do i do now.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[FaithfulInLove]

Hello Esmerelda72 and welcome to the forum!

That's such a difficult situation, it must feel horrible for you!
My expartner with BPD did the same to me several times, blocking me everywhere, cutting off all contact, so I can imagine in how much pain you must be in at this minute... .

Your girlfriend is making it clear that at this minute she is wanting space... .She'll need her time to calm down and process everything that happened
What I use to do in this kind of situations is 1. sending out the clear message that he can come back to me when he is ready (you have apologised, she knows she can come to you), and then, 2. no matter how hard it is and how much I wanna do something to fix the situation, I leave the space he asking for and wait it out, hoping he'll come back... .and so far he always did.

You said you've realised that what you have said was not okay, and you've told her this. Right at this minute I'm afraid there is nothing more you can do.
What I would suggest is not trying to reach her anymore - she knows how to reach you when she feels ready.
You can use this time to explore the forum and learn the tools that are taught here.

Sending you strength, I know it's the hardest thing to endure, but the best thing really is focusing on yourself and giving time.

[esmerelda72]

thanks for that.  its good to know that sometimes its the space that helps.
it does feel different this time.  the way she was corresponding yesterday, the whole blame just because i left ( even though it was triggered through her insecurity about me and my ex).  I didnt apologise because i didnt think i did anything wrong and have apologised so many times for things that havent been my doing just to keep her validated. i did say that i loved her and wanted to sort it out.  what i dont know is if she got the message or not because she really has blocked me.

i do feel bad however because i have done the one thing she is always terrified of me doing - leaving her.  she said it herself ' how could i leave her like that'.

im devastated it came to this and yet know she isnt even thinking of me in this and the fact i dont even have a home right now.

[FaithfulInLove]

It is horrible to see how people can lose all empathy when they're hurting themselves... .I think that is something that happens a lot with people with BPD - I think she will be trying to cope with her own emotions right now... .
I hope you have a safe place to stay at still? What's your situation?

It happened to me a few times that he left and that it felt like that really was it. The ending. That he will not return.
But then he still did and this is something other members on here have experienced as well. Still it is nothing that anyone could promise you that it will happen or tell you how soon it would happen - cause every Person and every situation is different.
This thread is quite long, but this post from me is an example of how fast things can turn: I went from being hopeful of fixing things soon, to him telling me I should never talk to him again, then him coming back into my life again: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=330409.msg13013394#msg13013394

It is important that if she comes back you are prepared and that you validate her feelings and don't JADE (really, rather than looking at my old posts, you should have a close look at the tool section on here, they are really helpful!)

You have found a good place here with people who know the BPD craziness. Over the past months this helped me tremendously and I hope it will help you too!

[esmerelda72]

thank you so much. good to know. yes she very much goes into it being just about how she feels (BPD trait) and no really feeling how it is for anyone else.  strange as she is so emphatic and spiritually attuned to people most of the time. safe place would be a hotel or the back of my car tonight.  dont have many friends in the area as i moved my world to be with her in hers.

i will check out the thread for positivitiy as feeling really down and devastated about it all and yes i know it can turn around quickly, it did in the summer after we separated but it can also swing again and i cant believe that i am actually here.  we were so very close just at the weekend. magical it was.

i dont know what JADE is so i will check that out in the tools also.  thanks for the pointers

[FaithfulInLove]

Here a link if you didn't find it yet: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0
I think all the workshops and tools you find in this forum really are helpful.
Take good care of yourself and stay safe!

[esmerelda72]

thanks.  that was very interesting.

i feel its a little late in the day as feeling this time - she wont be back.

[Radcliff]

It's been a few days.  How are you doing?

RC

[esmerelda72]

Hi

thanks for your concern and the reaching out.  It got a little better, we had a good talk in which i thought a lot had moved and we had found a way to grow through it.  However, in the last few weeks we somehow keep dipping in and out of problems.  It seems to be all one way - that she asks me to step right in to her, into her heart into the bosom of her family into deep and growing intimacy - but when i tell her that is what i need from her also, she goes on about she needs to deepen her trust.  so i give her the space and time to do that and nothing shifts.  the most recent one is that we planned to have the weekend just me and her and she talked about us going on a spa retreat and then left it for me to organise and then changed her mind and wanted the weekend in solitude to herself, yet without leaving me alone in mine with non stop texting and calling and asking where i am and who i was with.  then the next mornign apoloigised and said she wasnt judging or jealous.  now we are on to my unreasonable and downright judgemental criticsim of her motheirng simply because i have questioned why her 6 year old daughter sleeps in our bed every night, impacting on our love making and the only place that we have a couple space.  shes chosen the daughter sleeping in her bed over me. 

so in answer... .not doing very well here. ive never felt so lonely, so unwanted, so abused, so longing and left wanting in a relationship in all of my life.

[Radcliff]

I'm sorry, I imagine that you may have felt so disappointed to have planned a "together" weekend, only to have it turn into an "alone" weekend that wasn't really alone.  The situation with her daughter in your bed preventing closeness between you sounds very frustrating and disappointing as well.  It's a characteristic of these relationships that we struggle to get our needs met.  There are some tools that can help with that.  Can you give us some detail about how the conversation goes when you talk about her daughter in your bed?

RC

[esmerelda72]

i am disappointed but even saying that word makes me feel guilty because my pwBPD always blames my 'disappointment' of her 'not meeting my needs' and therefore 'not being enough' for all the issues in our relationship.

the conversation around the daughter sleeping in our bed just didnt happen upfront.  it kind of crept in from summer.  it started with morning cuddles (which i dont mind actually as its very loving and bonding) and then the nights got colder i noticed my pwBPD say to her daughter 'where do you want to sleep tonight, your bed or our bed' and of course the decision was the big bed.  then it just turned into the norm.  i just sucked it up because once i raised it last year and was categorically told that i wasnt to 'go there'.  When i mentioned it the other day i approached it gently, careful not to use words that would trigger and careful not to make it about the daughter, rather, that we have zero space now in which to be intimate (anywhere else in the house doesnt have a couples zone and if we get intimate there then risk the chance of other child (15year old male) interrupting us).  so the conversation was being navigated between us until i asked why she was in the bed (because it was cold in her room and thats just how she felt as a mother)and why i had not been asked how i feel about it or involved in the decision (thats the choice she can make as her mother without me). I was told that it wasnt a decision and that it was her mothering intuition and that 'my daughter will be in my bed all winter and until she is 7'.  which translates to 'deal with it'.  i again tried to let pwBPD know how i felt and could we find a way through without the adults of the household being at the whim of what a 6 year old 'needs' - though i feel its not her need so much as my partners.  she says that what i said was shocking to her deep sense of intuitive mothering and knowing what is right for the emotional needs and growth of her daughter.  i just see a big world of attachment issues starting to form.

since this conversation i have been ignored for a few days and then asked out on a date for sat pm and eve.  this was saturday just gone.  i say yes of course i would love.  lets make it beautiful says my partner.  our 'beautiful' date turned into us both putting fence panels up in the pouring rain and mid afternoon she announces she is off for a massage and will be back around 8pm.  i went into shock as this was the first she had said about it.  said nothing as i didnt want to rock the bit of stable ground we were making after the other conversation.  partners texts me at 9pm saying 'bit fearful about coming home.  just want peace'.  thats exactly what partner came home to in which i listened, held and cuddled her all night through her emotional place.  on to yesterday (sun) in which i still had no apology for ruined date day, no loving touch or affection, no real interest in me or my thoughts. in the evening after another hour of being totally ignored i announced my decision to go to bed.  pwBPD kicks off 'oo you always do this make me feel so bad about myself. cant just leave me to have a peaceful evening and just chill'.  my partner had apparently 'picked up on my energy of disappointment cos she hadnt spent the evening with me'.  she i was asked to just 'get it all out'  i didnt want to.  put my partner kept pushing and pushing and distorting things and no amount of my validating made a difference.  i went into full JADE at this mode and let fly all the things.  i did it in a very firm and calm way to begin with until she pushed and pushed and pushed at something she knows better to push at.  i asked about what happened to date night and the response was ' that she felt like doing something for her own body as she had been through the mill this week and that it was a mercy cancellation as she didnt want us to get into the place where it was awkward and horrible between us) ... .didnt quite know what to say to that. Quite simply i ended the evening saying that unless she can step up a bit and meet me in the most simplest ways ( by simple i mean respect, consideration, and cherishing of me as a being) then i would have to step out.  i was clearly told that she could not meet me in the place i was in right now and that she was shocked at my outburst, saying that she felt like i was bi polar.  i asked her to leave me alone 4 very clear times and that i did not want to argue and wanted to rest as i was very hurt and upset and really struggling in this relationship.  she said she wasnt struggling and i said no because you are getting everything you want and making all the decisions.  we parted on not very good or nice terms.

this morning, no matter how nice I am being (asked to get some clothes from our room yet respecting her space) received a shrug, did she want a coffee - received a shrug, i asked if she wanted me to come back this evening and we be friends and talk about things  - received a shrug.  i am now being ignored.

anyone got any advice.  i love my partner and my family and want very much to work this out.

[Radcliff]

That's a tough situation with her daughter in the bed.  Do you think that the temperature of her daughter's room is really the issue?  How do you think your partner feels about intimacy?

It sounds like your partner is hypersensitive to your moods, body language, tone of voice, etc.  How did you feel about putting up panels in the rain?

RC

[esmerelda72]

hey thanks for you reply and pondering questions.  I dont think the daughters room temperature is the issue as my partner bought a very expensive electric blanket to keep the bed warm anyway and the room is warm.  i think its just an excuse to have her in the bed as when we have difficulties she is not alone in the bed which she doesnt like.  i think there is a bit of dependency towards the daughter going on here, like an emotional teddy bear.  often when my partner wants intimacy and a cuddle, instead of coming to me she askes the daughter if the daughter wants a cuddle.

and yes you are right, she picks up on the slightest mood change from me and makes it about her, or something she has done or hasnt done and then she starts saying i am disappointed or charged or my energy is icky... .even when i havent said anything or not feeling much at all - its like having the Eye of Mordor be able to look inside of you when you might not even want those feelings displayed or known.

how did i feel about putting the fence panels up?  instead of having a hot date with the woman i love?  erm ... .sad.  i just felt sad that yet again i had been given the promise of a date and then it had been cancelled or changed without discussion just cos she couldnt go ahead with it. well i did it and it was satisfying to do but i felt more like a DIY buddy that her lover and partner and she thought it was a special way to be intimate with me as she couldnt give any more to me right then. 

[Radcliff]

OK, so she's more comfortable with her daughter in bed exchanging cuddles than with you.  Why do you suppose that is?  What about sleeping with a grownup might be uncomfortable for her?

I had been thinking that the hot date would start in the evening, and the home improvement work was something that ended up killing the mood in the afternoon.  Were you expecting the date to start sooner?  Do you know when she expected it to start?  It sounds extremely disappointing to have that special day go south.  Something tells me it might be worth looking at it in a bit more detail.

RC

[esmerelda72]

Radcliff, thanks for your response again.  and in answer to your questions which are in turn helping me break down a lot of things swirling around my mind.  yes i believe she is more comfortable with her daughter in bed exchanging cuddles that with me, although she does reach out for me and asked me to share her bed last night.  i declined as it didnt feel right, i dont feel close enough to share her bed right now as neither of us would find that restful i believe.  and quite frankly, i dont want to share a bed with a 6 year old every night so i suppose that is my boundary and decision i am putting into play.  i think she prefers that because its safe, she cuddles me more than anyone when she feels safe and secure, and yet when she doesnt, she does yearn for it with me but defaults to the daughter i think through her fear of wanting it with me.  i know the connection we share for her is scary and beyond anything she has felt and she craves it but runs.  Sleeping with a grownup for her is uncomfortable because of expectation to be intimate, and from her abuse she suffered in childhood from her mothers bfs.  other times she melts into my arms and i hold her all night and she has the most beautiful safe relaxing sleep she has ever had, so she says.  lots going on there for her there.

the hot date was to start mid afternoon.  when she first asked me if i was free on sat it was with the plan that she wanted to take me out for lunch, then a romantic walk to our favourite forest, then back to ours for some intimate time.  instead, i got fence panelling in the rain and her leaving at 4pm for the next 5 hours.  not exactly the hot loving date that i was looking forward to.  and her reason for not going through with it is that she wasnt in the right space being intimate with me because it was a 'mercy' cancellation as she didnt want us to argue.  she didnt tell me until 3pm that she had planned a massage for her evening.  we did talk about it and she says that if i expect anything from her (even though she was the one to mention a date and ask me in the first place), if there is even a sniff of expectation she bolts... .so i have learnt the less i expect the more she comes in.  last night when i got back i matched her energy, and then gave a little bit less just to no be too much for the space between us... .she complained that i wasnt 'really there' .  so i feel at the moment if i want her to commit ... .its too much and she pulls away ... .if i pull back, its not enough and she gets sad and nervous and scared i will leave.  i am just taking every day at a time right now.

[Radcliff]

It sounds like her reaction to the expectation of physical intimacy, or any hint of expectation, is at the center of both of the situations we're talking about.  I'm glad to hear that it sound like the two of you can have some conversations about these topics.  If I'm hearing you correctly, intimacy is important to you, but your first priority is to establish regular sleeping together and cuddling.  Is that right?  Have you thought of ways of relieving her of worries about intimacy expectations as a way to kick start cuddling?