I love my ex - scared of losing him

[FaithfulInLove]

Hello everyone,

my last post has been locked, so I'm just starting a new one.

To sum up the situation:
I'm broken up with my long-distance fiancé for more than a year, keeping him in my life as a friend, but want him back still.

He had other relationships inbetween, his last girlfriend broke up with him recently and he is hurting.
Lately we had some open and honest talks for the first time since we are broken up. He admits we had a great time together but he still has issues trusting me because of me being selfish in the past and because of what his other girlfriends did to him.

Recently he said it is still possible that we could get back together.
I told him that he must come to me if he wants to rekindle things between us.
I made it clear that he is still what I wanted, that I love him but also that I might be gone if he doesn't come to me now... .
I have been honest about the fact that I am dating other guys because we're broken up for more than a year and I am done fighting for us on my own.

Usually we are texting daily - still it is difficult to keep in touch with him as he seems really unsure about me (often ignores me for hours, his texts seem uninvested but he is still always reaching back out when I give him space).
He lashed out and stopped talking to me a few times but always came back again when I reacted calmly and gave him time - which is super hard for me as I miss him and want him in my life as much as even possible.

I'm feeling torn because he sais it feels like I don't care about him - while he pushes me away whenever I try to show him that I do.
I stopped investing more in this friendship than he does and try to only return back what he is giving me to get some balance into this relationship.

Since the last time we faught I am still blocked everywhere apart from the one app we always use to talk on... .This worries me and makes me wonder if he is still thinking about pushing me out of his life for good.

I am feeling really rejected while he surely still thinks that I just don't care anymore because I stopped overinvesting.

I'm looking for advice how to handle the situation to have the best chances of rekindling our relationship/saving this friendship.
I miss him and I am scared to lose him completely.


Thank you,

FaithfulInLove

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[FaithfulInLove]

I'd love to discuss my main problems with you.

My ex does have a lot of control over me - which is not good for me at all because I am just really attached to him and his actions hurt me easily.

It seems like we are in some kind of power struggle - I gave away all my power to him after the break up, did nothing but begging him to come back, even after he started dating new people, I've been there, ready to fix what we had.
I feel like I've lost his respect - please consider this when reading about my situation. I am not a control freak or someone who is petty and always has to decide about the way to go (rather the complete opposite of this!) - I just notice it would be important for me to start having some boundaries and change my behaviour. At the same time losing him is the last thing I want.


There are three things at the moment that bother me the most, I'd appreciate your thoughts/opinions on:

1. Communication/Silent Treatment/Punishment
I think the silence he gives me sometimes is passive aggressive.
I believe he is still feeling a lot of anger towards me because a few things in our relationship went wrong.
I've been given the advice from many sides to stop investing more into our friendship than he does. I am scared that now that I stopped overinvesting, he perceives my silence as passive aggressive too. He might think I'm paying back what he does to me... .
I am not out for revenge, I am out for BALANCE.
I try to handle things healthier (in the past I've only been waiting for him to reply to my messages and cried more and more the more I was ignored and told him how hurt I was... .now I am just going on about my day.
Sometimes when he decides to text me I am just busy and can't reply directly. When I tell him that I'm busy I often see him reacting hurt... .(Example: Once I said I am busy but promised I will be there for him in 2 hours - and his answer was he will be sleeping then - I know exactly that he never goes to bed that early [and saw him online everywhere that night but not replying to my text message... .).
He sometimes accuses me of "being busy anyway" when he feels like talking because I stopped being available 24/7.

How would you handle this?


2. Being blocked
We do have a app, where only we are talking on, exclusively - and when we're texting he is really friendly to me and treats me like a good friend (apart from the aggressive amount of silence inbetween). Still he has me blocked everywhere else since our last fight.
I see this as a way of him to hurt/control me and I am afraid that trying to talk about this could provoke another fight/ that it would make me look weak if I asked him to undo this.
What is your opinion on this? It hurts me that he is treating me like an enemy on social media.
Is acting as if I was fine with that the right way to go here?
I have once been blocked on Facebook for almost a year and he didn't care when I have told him it was hurting me, I was crying, asked him to accept me as a friend again and he didn't care... .


3. Seeing him soon?
We are in a long distance situation.
Next week I'll be near his hometown for a event I wanna go to and for holidays. I told him we could make a meet up happen. He told me it was my decision if I wanna come and see him or not. I said I'll think about it.
We really don't have many possibilities to see each other, I'd die to see him next week! But I don't think it's a good idea to invite myself over... .I would love to hear from him that he wants to see me too, I think everything else would be a pushy, smothering thing to do... .
What do you think?

I'd be thankful if I could discuss these things with you on here.

FaithfulInLove

[FaithfulInLove]

His texts yesterday have been so uninvested, I ended the conversation with a smiley face and didn't hear from him since then... .
There has been no fight or anything, I didn't ask any question, still I'm crying my eyes out tonight because I just can't believe that the one who wanted to be with me forever can stay away from me so easily now. I'd be dying to send him a text message now, I miss talking to him so much, but after all the months of chasing I try to be strong now and make him feel it's his turn.
I've communicated that so many times, still I feel like reaching out and telling him again and again, very clearly, what I want and expect from him, cause I feel like as long as I chase him he ignores me easily, as soon as I don't reach out, he thinks that l don't care anyway and then ignores me too... .

Sorry for Doubleposting, it's just one of those nights with nobody else I could share this with.
I miss him.

[FaithfulInLove]

There are signs of him being interested in another girl... .If that's true it'll be the fourth time that this is happening to me straight before I'm flying over to his country... .
I don't know what to do and I'm scared of how many times I'll have to go through this over again... .It's the worst kind of pain I ever felt, everytime again, and I can't stop wondering when it'll be my time... .
I love him

[once removed]

There are signs of him being interested in another girl... .If that's true it'll be the fourth time that this is happening to me straight before I'm flying over to his country... .

what are the signs?

if its true, what do you want to do?

[FaithfulInLove]

The signs are that while he has been at an event, he followed a new girl on twitter who liked his tweets like crazy and messaged him during the event.
Things like she thinks she can see him, him replying "Where are you?" "Ahh, I can see you too!". They didn't know each other since then and she has been the one tweeting him like crazy.
As he is looking for a new girlfriend and I know he is not very picky when it comes to girls, these things got me worried already.

Now I've seen that they are Facebook friends and she is liking all his pictures. At the same time he first went quite uninvested in his messages to me, then he even went silent on me, still keeps me blocked everywhere and (once a few days ago) he posted that there is someone who makes him smile... .

I think those signs are worrying.

If it's true what shall I do? Waiting out the fourth person in his life (and spending time in his country on my own again, my flights are booked... .)
I'm powerless against this...

[once removed]

If it's true what shall I do?

i dont think this is a call any of us can make. we can be a sounding board in terms of what you want to do and how it might play out.

are you wanting to wait for him?

[FaithfulInLove]

Hello once removed, I don't know how to answer that question.
Of course I hate waiting for him because I want him back NOW - but there is no other way, is there?


Let me update you:
I wouldn't know any of this if I wasn't stalking his social media (even though I am still blocked) and yeah, I know I gotta stop obsessing, but it is hard when I just wanna know what is actually going on so that I can evaluate the situation... .
I wanna know his reasons for staying away and he won't talk (probably because he is not ready to fully lose me yet?).

So he had a date. It went horribly wrong.
That's why he has been silent. He has been distracted.
Now... he is hurting a lot because this didn't work out again and he really wants to be in a relationship.

Yesterday he lashed out at me for something I really don't have anything to do with - but he might think I have in his distorted reality.
[Someone is ignoring him and he seems to think that I am the one who badmouthed him and that this is their reason while I really did not].

I texted back when he was lashing out and when I reread my answer to what he was saying there, I believe I didn't do a good job with validating his feelings this time... .I said I understood, then said I once felt the same and tried to softly bring reality closer to him - that must have felt quite invalidating and... .he is silent again since then, but I am hopeful that he will come back talking soon when I don't say another word about this... .

So, in a week I will go and make a day trip to see him and his family.
I was the one asking if I can do this (as I will be in his country anyway) and he was the one telling what day he's free to spend time with, so...
I don't really feel invited, but I feel accepted and welcome to some degree.

Can you tell me if there is any way to bring someone back from distorting reality?
Like... .I did not badmouth him... .I think it is true that these people who he thinks hate him because of me, are in some way more connected to me, because they know me for quite a while, but I honestly have nothing to do with them not talking to him... .

[once removed]

so he thinks you badmouthed him to someone who is presently ignoring him, do i have that right?

did he explain why he thought that? whats your connection, if any, to that person?

[FaithfulInLove]

Yes, exactly, you got that right... .he never addressed it to me directly, but his Twitter has been full of him assuming this while I've been blocked... .(Which I still am... ?)
I don't really feel like giving more details, because I feel I really become recognisable on here.

Things have changed pretty much again. He is thinking about coming to see me now... ? Still he doesn't seem too sure, so I gotta stop being too happy about it

I am confused about that person, changing his mind SO often!

[FaithfulInLove]

Hello everyone
Do you have emergency advice for being absolutely overwhelmed by memories?
I'm just seeing all the places we've been at together and can't stop crying... .

He still didn't tell me for sure if he'll come here or if he won't... .

[Radcliff]

Do you have emergency advice for being absolutely overwhelmed by memories?
I'm just seeing all the places we've been at together and can't stop crying... .

To a point, crying can be good.  It releases pent up emotions.  So, my first advice would be to go ahead and cry.  If you still feel triggered after a good cry, I'd try to move to a place in the area that doesn't have strong memories associated with it.  Perhaps a library or coffee shop in the city that you've never been to.

RC