Separating after 6 weeks of being living separately - Newly weds

[Sportyman]

Hi - I've been posting on different parts of this forum depending on the topic and journey I've been enduring.

Today was a tough journey. My uBPDw and her parents and my parnest came over to "get her stuff and split the wedding gifts." An hour before she came, my parnets came over to talk to me (I'm a 31 y/o M) and thye admitted that she went to them yesterday to talk about all the things she's willing to do to help this relationship (couples therapy, move back in together, work on her anger (in couples T), and that she cna't believe I'm quitting on her and the relationship after 5 years. That our relationship "post" marriage was only a few weeks.

The guilt carried within me - my parnest stating that I haven't given marriage a chance, that I barely lived with her in the house with her before things got escalated (violent/self-harm threats). I sat there knowing that before I got married I tried calling the wedding off 2x or at least post poining but my fiance at the time refused to. I would try to break it off completely and she would suck me back in with FOG and I had no clarity as I was so looped into the rollercoaster cycle and how the empty promises (jackell/hyde) would lure me in. I remember vividly the times she would break down crying and tell me "how come no one loves me, how come no matter waht i do it's never enough for anyone, how come you want to abandon me". In those moments I would realize she had a void I could not fill. I would then beg her to see a T on her own to work through those emotions and in that moment of desperattion, she would agree. Lone and behold a day or two later when I would mention it, she would state she never did agree and she will only do couples T.

She came over today - broke down in front of my parents and hers, said she's begging me to do couples T and why am I quitting on her? Why do I not want to give this relatinoship/marriage a chance? Why do I think that i can make a decision just after 60 days of marriage. In actuality, I told her the marriage was just a date we passed; the relationship has been toxic for a few years and I convinced myself that it was just "wedding planning",, however the truth of the matter is that the landscape of hte arguments/conflicts/toxicity. I had to see the wedding through. I had to know that the I wasn't qitting preemptively. We cried, we hugged, we went through the motions of saying goodbye. She begged me not to stick through with the decision to file divorce. I let everyone know that I promised myself in the morning that I will go to bed with the same decision I woke up with (to file divorce). If things mend after filing, we can always dissolve. However, it is my truth and I need to stick wtih my truth.

I just have never felt so helpless. Hugging her, holding her, knowing I can't help her. I kept telling myself no matter what I do, no matter how much I sacrifice, I cannot save her. I cannot heal her. I broke down crying multiple times with her, and my family separately after she left, just wishing I could do something to save her. To guide her to the write support of seeking individaul T or DBT. She has reached out to couples that are our friends that have stated that couples therapy helped them. Of course she isn't aware she has BPD so to her that is the only solution that I'm not willing to do. The turth of the matter is she suffers from something that cannot be healed through couples counseling especially since we've been goign to it for 8-10 months.

I just needed to vent my feelings, the helpless feeling, the sadness, the fact that you can love someone so much, care for their well-being, and know that no matter what, in the long run of day to day life, I will walk on egg-shells, I will lose my sense of "self" and I will have to encounter another blow up as she is not facing the true issue of not being able to control her emotional flooding behavior.

Just seeking advice, support, positivity, and some guidance of how to stay the course of detaching without "relapsing" back to her.

I know one thing that helped this 3rd time around was I had gone throuh this emotional cycle with her (trying to break it off before getting married) but this time I knew that no matter what she said, it isn't necessarily true or will be executed... it was simply her playing chameleon. I'm just devestated and never felt so helpless when I know I can't "save/fix" her. Yes I know that is super co-dependent and I'm working on that codependency with my T and reading "codependent: no more".

Thank you in advance to everyone for their time and support.

H

[Mutt]

Hi Sportyman,

I just needed to vent my feelings, the helpless feeling, the sadness, the fact that you can love someone so much, care for their well-being, and know that no matter what, in the long run of day to day life, I will walk on egg-shells, I will lose my sense of "self" and I will have to encounter another blow up as she is not facing the true issue of not being able to control her emotional flooding behavior.

I'm sorry that you're going through this. It sounds like you knew what you wanted at the onset and went through something that you're heart wasn't completely into. You know first hand with the history that you have together the angry outbursts, dissociation's etc that things are not going to get better a r/s doesn't fix BPD it's something that the person has to want to do for themselves.

A r/s is two equal parts I feel for you when she blamed you for the marriage not working I think that you're parents just want to see the marriage work - they mean well.

I understand how difficult and sad BPD can be there's a saying that I'll share with you. This is from my personal experience you don't have to choose it it may help someone else. "Let go and let god" I cared a lot about my uBPDexw and felt deep sadness that there is absolutely nothing that I can do except remove myself from her daily life this goes on for years because pwBPD have dependency issues and depend on others to do things for them that an adult should really do for themselves. When a pwBPD are backed into a corner then they may seek for help I chose to not be a part of the network that enables her if there is one less enabler then she may get help quicker, you can have compassion with boundaries as I previously mentioned I left it to a higher power and I choose to be watchful from a distance.  

This failed marriage may be something that she's going to reflect on in the future not today but there may be a day that she'll be back into a corner and thing of how she couldn't maintain her end of the r/s.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Sportyman, Maybe I'm missing something, but what was it that precipitated your recent break, which I take it occurred a few weeks after your wedding?   I called off ("postponed") a wedding with my BPDxW, then subsequently married her, so I can relate to your situation (we are now divorced).  How did you figure out that your W suffers from BPD?  The reason I ask is because it's under the radar for most people.  Are you currently seeing a T?  It might help if you have someone with whom you can confide.

Let us know how we can help and feel free to pose any questions that you might have.

LuckyJim

[Sportyman]

Hey Sportyman, Maybe I'm missing something, but what was it that precipitated your recent break, which I take it occurred a few weeks after your wedding?   I called off ("postponed") a wedding with my BPDxW, then subsequently married her, so I can relate to your situation (we are now divorced).  How did you figure out that your W suffers from BPD?  The reason I ask is because it's under the radar for most people.  Are you currently seeing a T?  It might help if you have someone with whom you can confide.

Let us know how we can help and feel free to pose any questions that you might have.

LuckyJim

Hey Lucky Jim - thanks for your reply. Yes - we got married on 9/1; went on a honeymoon to Mexico and she went into a rage because of an recurring issue regarding a videographer (same one my brother used for his wedding) and how the videogrpaher posted a video of my brothers wedding the week of our wedding... .(without consent from my brother or myself). This had her spiral out of control, a 6 hour dysregulation of anger, screaming, and as I was packing my bag (per her request) to go to anotehr room; she picked up glass and threw it at the ground (she has a different recollectin of this episode).

Shortly thereafter, 3 weeks to be exact, she got into a quarrel with her dad and her dad stated she had an anger issue and I wasn't far fetched (we had a talk with both sides of the faimly to address the episode in mexico). She went into another dysregulation that evening and pulled out a knife on her wrist (clearly BPD trait to feel "heard"). 60 days later, she is still stating she did that in her dire need of wanting to be heard and listened to. She felt "dismissed" and "abandoned". It is a very similar narrative on many of her dysregulations which unfortunately, I was not aware of that was BPD until after I got married.

I am seeing a T; we used to go to the T together as couples counseling, however, after the episode in mexico, the T referred her out to individual therapy which she has been reluctant to go (except for her one session). It was after my wedding and the episode in Mexico that the T informed me she has BPD and needs serious psychological help.

I've been patient with my emotions/thoughts, seeking a T weekly and writing in my journal regarding the feelings/episodes of what I go through. Even after the separation (from our house) on 9-28; I've reached out and we've had a few in-person interactions which I cannot say have been the best outcome. She did play victim or made it feel as if I was the perpetrator.

As of yesterday her narrative has changed and is now saying she is going to go to individual T and she wants to work with me as a couple "team", and she needs me to support her in this journey since we are husband and wife. I am having a glimmer of hope but I remind myself of the constant roller coaster I used to engage in; the constant cyclical arguments; the feeling of desperation when you can't find resolution to any arguments.

The extinction bursts is a new concept I've discovered and I've seen that from setting boundaries the spiraling of her emotions and attacks have slowed a bit. However, I just can't fathom living a life like this forever. We have no kids, we barely lived together and things got this escalated. It is simply so difficult to see a life of ehalthy and balanced union when you add an element of BPD into the picture without actual progressive relief.

[once removed]

its been a few days... .are the two of you in any contact? how are you holding up?

[Sportyman]

its been a few days... .are the two of you in any contact? how are you holding up?

Hi once removed, thank you for checking in. I feel selfish writing more or venting my feelings if I don't see any responses on the S/G or forum thread.

She has been texting and calling with short messages of "i love you, I hope you dont get used to a life without me". She then called me saying she wanted to spend thanksgiving togetehr and too many special moments have gone by without us being together. She said I'm her husband and she's my wife and we are the only family to each other. I told her I think its best we stay with each others families, and she said "you are my family". As emotionally thoughtful and loving as that is, she has her father/mother (separated) and her sibling.

I feel there is an element of FOG that is marinating within me when she says these things or messages me. I know her mom has been advising her to "talk to him calmly, dont attack him, reach out to his mom and spend time with her, etc". I just feel she's flipped a switch in her brain to try to bring me back and then it will go back to the usualy BPD behavior self that she has exhibited. Before we got married in two circumstances where I tried to postpone or end the engagement, she broke down emotionally and said things like "why does no one love me, why is it never enough no matter what I do? Why can't I just be happy". Those statements really stick with me today becuase I told her she needs to seek professional help to work thoruhg those emotions and I cannot fix them. She agreed she would, and of course, she never did.

Last night she messaged me saying "I love you good night, i pray for God to take care of you and to take care of us and to bring us closer every day, I love you". I replied "thanks I pray the same for you". She woke up this morning saying "I'm sorry - GM - have a good week". I'm not sure what that means but I feel she is irritated which is fine. After almost 5-6 days ago where we separated our wedding gifts, she took her belongings, and we had a long emotional drawn out goodbye/separation... .

I'm torn in many ways... I feel sometimes the "hook" always gets me and I know the end-result. If I go back, I will just wait for a ticking time bomb to explode and again I'll live my life in fear. Like the book "walking on eggshells" states... .it takes a heightened sense of emotional/physical state to be around a BPD partner and it will take a physical toll on my mental well-being. I can't live that way forever. I want to live calmly, in peace, with positivity and balance.

My mom called me last night breaking down saying how sad she is for both of us and she wishes she could do something. I advised that we would be ok. Life isn't always about marraige but about living a healthy happy positive life. I told her I will be OK and being blessed wtih a strong family unit, good health, and a sense of support from everyone (close knit circle) has helped me in this journey. It's just hard knowing that this BPD relationship has reached out to both sides of the parents and causing pain for everyone.

Thank you ONCE REMOVED and all others fro checking in and providing such a strong forum for support. I always think about how much it helped to join this group and just read and write feelings and understand what other's are also battling.

[once removed]

its really hard, Sportyman, to leave someone who struggles to come to grips with it. i think youre going about it gracefully, which is often not easy to do.

what are next steps, if any?

[Mutt]

Hi Sportyman,

her narrative has changed and is now saying she is going to go to individual T and she wants to work with me as a couple "team", and she needs me to support her in this journey since we are husband and wife. I am having a glimmer of hope but I remind myself of the constant roller coaster I used to engage in; the constant cyclical arguments

and she said "you are my family". As emotionally thoughtful and loving as that is, she has her father/mother (separated) and her sibling.

I told her she needs to seek professional help to work thoruhg those emotions and I cannot fix them.She agreed she would, and of course, she never did.

I was reading your post and what sticks out for us she seems to be liking for a helper and fixer a pwBPD have dependency issues and want others to fix or help so things for then things that really an adult should be doing for themselves.

It helps to talk about I can relate with being a helper / fixer I’m not saying that you were you could read the situation well but it still helps to discuss this with others you don’t even have to start a discussion you can join other discussion and see the similarities of your situation and you feel like you’re  not alone.