mom update

[cruiser23]

So, I wrote a few weeks ago about my mom, and how I finally just went NC with her because of her behaviors, and I was just done.

So since that time, I've had only a couple of brief texts from her. I have really tried to just answer "yes" or "no" or "we have that covered, you don't need to worry about it" kind of things. But Thanksgiving is upon us, so things are getting more frequent.

She still calls my dad regularly for updates on me, since I am not talking to her. I reinforce to him, that I do not want to hear about it and I do not want him sharing details about me.

I am very worried about Thanksgiving. It will just be my husband and myself, and we plan to have a small dinner (My mom always insists on way too much food, we're all overweight, don't need it, and I eat keto for migraine control/pcos and she will intentionally slip flour or sugar into things to mess up my diet) so this year we decided small meal, then going shopping.

She told my dad (again I asked not to be told, but he told me anyway) that she was still planning that we would be at her house, and wanted to know if he was coming in town as well. He's not, and we're not. She hasn't brought this up to me. I know she expects me to eventually "get over" this, but I just can't let it go back to the way it was.

She has started trying to talk to me more via text. She hasn't tried calling which is good. I answer briefly or not at all depending on what she texts.

I am worrying about her having an explosion on Thanksgiving. I don't think she would hurt herself, but I could see her showing up at our house unannounced and not invited. I could see her showing up and threatening to kill my husband again. I am living in constant worry/fear that she will act out.

I know she's responsible for her behavior, but I just really don't want the drama.

I work away from home ( like 5 states away) and I love being away, and really hate coming home anymore (which isn't fair because I love my husband and our dogs), but I can't relax there or enjoy it for constant fear of running into her, or her showing up at my house unannounced and creating a scene.

How do I deal with all this anxiety?

Thanks!

[Turkish]

I am worrying about her having an explosion on Thanksgiving. I don't think she would hurt herself, but I could see her showing up at our house unannounced and not invited. I could see her showing up and threatening to kill my husband again. I am living in constant worry/fear that she will act out.

If she shows up, do you have a plan on what you will do?

What's going on with the texts? Do you think that you are either validating her,  enabling her, or just minimally engaging in order to deflect possible worse behaviors, such as she showing up unannounced?

[Harri]

I am worrying about her having an explosion on Thanksgiving. I don't think she would hurt herself, but I could see her showing up at our house unannounced and not invited. I could see her showing up and threatening to kill my husband again. I am living in constant worry/fear that she will act out.

Hi.  Turkish is right to ask if you have a safety plan.  Here is a link on that that you may want to read through.  Some of it may not apply, but some will.  Safety First

I understand not wanting drama but chances are there is going to be some drama at some point in time so keep working on setting boundaries and learning about the behaviors.

Working with anxiety?  Like I said above, getting comfortable with boundaries and working on emotional separation will help.  Relaxation techniques can help such as breathing exercises.  Also Mindfulness can help us reign in anxiety.  For more on that read:  Triggering, Mindfulness and Wise Mind.

Anxiety is a bear to deal with.  Do you have anxiety in other areas of your life as well?

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi cruiser23,

I'm joining turkish and Harri in seconding their thoughts. I can certainly understand your anxiety with Thanksgiving coming up!

Does your mom walk into your house unannounced? Does she knock and wait for you to answer the door? I wonder if you can keep it locked, and if she knocks, walk outside to speak with her without letting her in?

This is a great place to brainstorm, so we will be glad to help!

 
Wools

[cruiser23]

If she shows up, do you have a plan on what you will do?

What's going on with the texts? Do you think that you are either validating her,  enabling her, or just minimally engaging in order to deflect possible worse behaviors, such as she showing up unannounced?

Honestly, I sit in my house with all the blinds pulled and begging my dogs not to bark, so I can hear if someone is out there (we are working on getting a camera installed so I can see the doorstep/driveway because you can't see them from inside the house). I truly do not know what I would do if she shows up. She still has a key, though I don't know if she would go as far as to key in. She can't see if we are home or not (we park in the garage) but the dogs always bark (granted they do that when we aren't home too).

I think I would just not answer the door. I feel like a prisoner in my own home honestly... .

The texts are always started by her, and I give her as little as possible as a response back.  I completely ignored 2 of them, then responded to one about her watching our dogs on an upcoming vacation (I told her we had it covered, so she didn't have to "dog sit" anymore) and then I didn't say anything after she responded to that.
Then I sent her one about the mattress set she wanted, because it's a good set and expensive, so I figured I would offer it (I was feeling a bit soft) and she was pretty snotty and petty back, so I didn't respond again.
She then texted me about how did things go with the install of the shelving we had put in last week (has been scheduled for a long time) and I just said "it went fine" and I should have probably just not responded at all.

I do think if I just give her SOMETHING she won't freak out and blow up like she has in the past. But it's coming... Thanksgiving is next week, and she was telling my dad she plans for us to be there. I don't know in what deluded fantasy world she thinks we will be joining them!

[cruiser23]

Hi.  Turkish is right to ask if you have a safety plan.  Here is a link on that that you may want to read through.  Some of it may not apply, but some will.  Safety First

I understand not wanting drama but chances are there is going to be some drama at some point in time so keep working on setting boundaries and learning about the behaviors.

Working with anxiety?  Like I said above, getting comfortable with boundaries and working on emotional separation will help.  Relaxation techniques can help such as breathing exercises.  Also Mindfulness can help us reign in anxiety.  For more on that read:  Triggering, Mindfulness and Wise Mind.

Anxiety is a bear to deal with.  Do you have anxiety in other areas of your life as well?

Thank you for the reading material! I love that you always have something for me! I definitely need to read up on dealing with it more... .

Yes I have anxiety in other areas of my life... .and I know that I have very reactionary and poor abilities to handle stress (probably a learned behavior from my mom ) but I am trying to teach myself to view things as neutral, and then try to create a response to them that doesn't stress me out more... I do well in lots of areas in my life, but my mom is just not one  

[cruiser23]

Hi cruiser23,

I'm joining turkish and Harri in seconding their thoughts. I can certainly understand your anxiety with Thanksgiving coming up!

Does your mom walk into your house unannounced? Does she knock and wait for you to answer the door? I wonder if you can keep it locked, and if she knocks, walk outside to speak with her without letting her in?

This is a great place to brainstorm, so we will be glad to help!

 
Wools

Wools, thanks!

Yeah she has in the past walked in without letting us know she was there. She was told that was unacceptable behavior. She now knocks... .but I don't know how things will have changed since this whole event.

when she had pulled those stunts before we told her she needed to call before she came over to let us know she was coming. Which turned into her calling when she was leaving her house to when she was turning into our complex... .she just always has to push the boundary. She knows she's wrong but she doesn't care, you know?

I feel like talking to her through the door would be so weird/awkward (less awkward than her being in my house tho). I just hope she keeps to herself and leaves us alone!

[Ela2011]

Hi Cruiser,
I've been suffering for many years with an undiagnosed BPD mother, who is now 90 years old, so I can
relate to a lot of what stirs the anxiety. I had been in contact with my mom this last summer for the
first time in 24 years,  but her outlook and responses to life haven't changed, and she's not very empathetic or compassionate. In fact, she's still mean. What has changed is my skill set... .a little. What I'm happiest about is that she doesn't terrify me anymore, and having finally accepted that she is ill, and therefore limited, it's taken her power away. That's not to say it doesn't still hurt, though.
    Long story short, I decided after our last phone conversation (maybe the 2K mile geographic cure gives me
courage) to go NC. She had been pretty cruel, and said she would never call me, ever again. Of course that lasted about a week. So, I spent $4.50 a month to block her number into my land line. She resorted to my cell---Hhhmm, I never gave her that number. She probably went snooping into my sister's contact list---and left several voice mails. Thankfully, she doesn't text. So, I went ahead and blocked her there, too.
    But I'm growing up by leaps and bounds! I sent her a letter, a Thanksgiving card, and let her know I would be unplugged for some time, to work on some personal projects, none of which had anything to do with her, and no, I wasn't angry or anything,  Actually, I expressed my sincere gratitude for having reconnected this year and been given a more clear understanding of her perspective on our shared history. Honest! I am thankful.
     By all means protect yourself, be proactive by planning. And give yourself permission to use whatever technology to avoid, evade, and empty the power in threatening behavior. I have a trail camera strapped to my front gate, and it sends a photo to my phone every time motion is detected. Mindfulness, breathing and prayer are very effective for me, too. I'm not willing to let her make me sick any more.
    Best of luck to you! This group is such a blessing.

[Panda39]

Hi Cruiser,

I like the suggestion to have a plan.  I'm sorry it feels like you are imprisoned in your own home, but the flip side of that seems to be that you feel safe there too.  Two-sided coin.

In addition to having a plan, I want to encourage you to try and stay in the present and not worry about something that has not happened yet.  Sometimes if I get stuck in ruminate mode (past) or worry mode (future) it helps me to do something I enjoy... .crafting, gardening, cooking etc... .It keeps me focused on the task at hand and puts me in the now. Might be worth a try.

There are also a lot of self-guided meditations on line, maybe take a few minutes to just breathe.  Are you seeing a Therapist at all?  It might be worthwhile to get support for your anxiety.

Hang in there, only a few more days and Thanksgiving will be in the rear view mirror.

Panda39

[Harri]

Thank you for the reading material! I love that you always have something for me! I definitely need to read up on dealing with it more... .

Yes I have anxiety in other areas of my life... .and I know that I have very reactionary and poor abilities to handle stress (probably a learned behavior from my mom ) but I am trying to teach myself to view things as neutral, and then try to create a response to them that doesn't stress me out more... I do well in lots of areas in my life, but my mom is just not one  

   I'm glad the reading material is welcome.  Sometimes though I think it works best when we talk about what you read on the boards so if you want to discuss anything go for it!  

How are you teaching yourself to look at things in a more neutral way?  One thing I do is to pay attention to my fear but only to the point where I recognize it, observe it, and carry on.  My T always said to me "don't feed the fear" and she is right.  I used to try to sit with it and get comfortable with it... .pfffft!  just made things worse for me.  Recognizing it, observing it and telling myself to suck it up and get on with things is what helps me.  No idea if that will help you or not though!  

Another thing that I don't do but I think might help is to change the words you use.  I don't do this because I already avoid these sorts of words to the point of minimizing which is not good.  But to tell yourself things like this is horrible, terrifying, so scared, worst thing ever... .I am having a hard time coming up with them but I think you get the idea.  None of that is helpful to you especially with anxiety.  Being careful of the emotional tone of our self talk and how we express stuff can be a huge help.  Do you do that sort of thing?  Words are so powerful and I do not mean that in a cosmic sort of way.

BTW, how about changing the locks on your house so you don't have to worry about her getting in?

[yamada]

No contact is no contact. Block her number. she will harrass and carry on u ntil she sees you softening somewhere and she will then persue that avenue.
Have a plan that if she turns up on thanks giving . Share it with those there . If she turns up and you ask her to leave and she wont then call the police. there are no greys with these people. It has to be black and white.