Girlfriend thinks she is going to die

[Beren2016]

hi all

this is a bit of a strange one so i apologies if its in the wrong place.

long story short... .

My Girlfriend has for many years had a strong belief that she is going to die when she is 27 (next march). This has no medical basis and she has no serious physical medical problems right now (or ever).

This is an entirely emotional thing and she describes it as a "feeling" she has and that she "just knows it". As you can imagine when this come up it causes her a lot of distress, especially going forwards as her birthday approaches, and she talks about packing up her stuff and preparing. i am also worried about what will happen when it doesn't happen and the effect a whole year of "waiting" will have on her.

my question is how do i validate this, or deal with this with empathy?

As you can imagine, I cant agree with her, as there is no reason she would die. i try to say that:-

 "i know that she feels this strongly and i will support her through what ever happens. But i cant believe it  myself because i don't have the same feeling she does or any reason to think that she would die".

This obviously ends up invalidating her belief and she becomes distressed that i don't believe her... .

i am at a loss how to help her with this, she talks like its certainty and it isn't something i can ignore or talk away... .i just need to be able to support her and help her with this

As always thank you greatly

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[Mutt]

Hi Beren2016,

I can see how difficult your predicament would be, rationally nobody knows when their time is up, it sounds like your gf is having irrational thoughts. I'm just throwing this out there because I have panic disorder myself but she may have an anxiety / panic disorder or both. We're not professionals and can't diagnose what we can look at are traits.

Most people with panic attacks experience several of the following symptoms:

"Racing" heart.
Feeling weak, faint, or dizzy.
Tingling or numbness in the hands and fingers.
Sense of terror, or impending doom or death.
Feeling sweaty or having chills.
Chest pains.
Breathing difficulties.
Feeling a loss of control.

https://www.google.ca/search?q=symptoms+of+panic+disorder&rlz=1C1GGRV_en-GBCA748CA748&oq=symptoms+of+panic+disorder&aqs=chrome.0.0l6.7055j0j7&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8

Anxiety disorders can overlap with BPD is she diagnosed with BPD or an anxiety disorder?

[Harri]

my question is how do i validate this, or deal with this with empathy?

As you can imagine, I cant agree with her, as there is no reason she would die. i try to say that:-

Hi Beren.  Mutt gave some great info on anxiety and panic disorder.  I have panic attacks and anxiety and what helps is just acknowledging my fear though I don't often share them with people.

One thing about validation is that you can validate the feeling.  So you can say "wow, it must be scary to feel that way.  I too would be upset".  You are not validating the unfounded fear but the feelings surrounding the fear.  Don't try to make the feelings go away.  Just acknowledge them and move on.

Make sense?

[once removed]

what about:

"i know that she feels this strongly and i will support her through what ever happens. But i cant believe it  myself because i don't have the same feeling she does or any reason to think that she would die".

[merkaba1]

Her barren, this is interesting, particularity for me as my BPD partner has literally told me the same thing for a while (she turns 27 in a month) I certainly understand your feelings. How do you lovingly support that? I just tried to console her, and told her I love her etc.

Perhaps an approach could be like this: I love you and if you are destined to die at 27, I would be honored to spend the remaining time you have with you and make the best possible memories until that day comes?

 Side question, is she a musician or artist?  I ask because my partner is and sometimes I wonder if it has to do with some of the great artists who tragically died at that age.

[Beren2016]

thank all for the speedy responses, you all have helped a great deal to make this situation a bit clearer.

Hi Mutt, she is diagnosed with BPD and Bi polar disorder, she does suffer from alot of anxiety and struggles to leave the house and does have panic attacks and has dissociated and lost time in the past. From your post i am starting to think that this could be part of an anxiety disorder ,rather than something that comes from her BPD/Bi polar, as she has been suffering the majority of those symptoms...

i will certainly try to read more about specific anxiety disorders.

Harry & once removed.  thank you for the suggestions on wording, i am trying learn and practice validation in order to be better and this real helps

merkaba1. It is very interesting to hear that someone else is feeling the same way as my Girlfriend, and also thank you for the suggestions in what i can say... in answer to your question, she is an artist but just as a hobby, she happens to be very good but sadley because of her struggles with self worth she doesn't draw very often... .

she is certainly aware of the "27 club" Hendrix, Cobain, morrison etc. i am unsure if this is a subconscious influence on her though...

thank you all again... .

going forwards, through next year is there anything different i could do to help her through a crisis if her feeling proves to be wrong? or is the best thing to continue with validation?   

[Mutt]

Hi Beren2016,

I’ll share with you what my said about panic disorder people think of a straight line above that line your gf overestimates her anxiety it morphs into something that is worse than it is
 below that line your gf underestimates her ability to cope with it reality is in the middle that line that I described. Read about anxiety disorders what she feels is real to her, don’t try to fix it, don’t invalidate her thoughts and feelings just be there.

That said I can see how it would be difficult to watch a loved one go through this you can see the areas in her that are affected by it for example if she’s not leaving the house shes missingnout opportunities to go out and do something that would help with self care, maybe miss out on being with friends or losing chances to meet new people.

She has BPD and BiP and anxiety disorders that’s a lot and maybe for now she’s doing the best that she can know that with mental illness there is irrational thinking and that can mushroom and become something that is worse than it really is talk to us or a T and that can help with keeping you grounded. Validate yourself too and take really good care of yourself that’s especially important when a loved one suffers from mental illness. 

[once removed]

validation is a powerful life skill, and its good to learn, and practice, so it becomes natural. validation is really only validation when its sincere and authentic. it bonds people, it builds trust, and its a sincere expression that we are trying to understand where someone comes from.

its not really a panacea for any and all conflict - it shouldnt be used, for example, to try to put out a fire or stop a dysregulation. you wouldnt respond to words of aggression with validation.

in this case, where your girlfriend has a strong belief about something, you have to ask what about that is valid, and to what end youre trying to validate her. sometimes its easier to think in terms of "not being invalidating" than "if i find something to validate, will this go away". it wont.

she believes strongly that shes going to die, to the point that shes planning around it. is that, in and of itself, valid? probably not. but she believes it as strongly as you and i believe the sky is blue and it would be invalidating to try to convince her its not going to happen. nor will it help her, or anything.

so what is valid in these circumstances? that you truly accept that she feels that way, that you understand shes entitled to feel that way, and that youll support her whatever happens.