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VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
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AskingWhy
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« on: November 15, 2018, 04:03:34 PM »

Sooner or later, another dysregulation had to happen.

H had committed to drive me to a medical appointment.  I have a medical condition and my driving is restricted, so H already resented me for his having to give up his precious time to do something for me.  For his own children, all of them almost 30, he will go to no ends to help them.  He is seriously enmeshed with all of them, a Karpman quadrangle, as covert incest abounds.

H harangued me all the way to the hospital, then all the way home, complaining about my medical issues and how he detested having to help me.  (As if I had a say in health issues.)  Once home, he immediately started working on a meal for a potluck he had for work the next day, not even eating dinner himself, like a madman; I had a medical procedure and we were both quite hungry.  I had already told him I would make sandwich rolls for his potluck, but told him I had to eat first.  With each passing minute, you could see the rage build in H and I knew a blowup was imminent.

He complained about my housekeeping, my depression and just about anything else about me as he split me black.  Mr. Hyde reared his head and in no time, H had thrown a glass Pyrex dish onto kitchen floor, sending shards of glass all over, sending the pets scattering in the house terrified as he raged at me.

I calmly, said, "Well, it looks like you have some cleaning to do," and left the kitchen.  In the past, I would either cry (to his delight) or rage back.  Now I simply leave his mess to clean up, and ensured the pets were safe and away from the broken glass.

While H raged cleaning up the glass, he shouted that I made him do it.  I said I didn't have that much power to compel him to do anything.  I calmly said if I had that much power over him, I would have obliged him to buy me a diamond bracelet a long time ago (H is lavish withhimself and his own adult children, spending thousands on gifts, bail bonds and rehab money) while gifting me with trinkets.    See my previous posts on the cheap gifting.

H is now blackmailing me and being punitive.  He is telling me he won't drive me to an antique show we had planned to attend this weekend.   I am an antique guild supporter, and had not seen the president in a number of years, and was looking forward to seeing her again.

He is also telling me that Thanksgiving, for him, is cancelled, and he won't be spending Thanksgiving in our home with me and my relatives, and instead spending it solely with his D.  (His D's boyfriend will be out of town visiting his own relatives, and won't be attending the Thanksgiving meal with us.)

As H makes a lot of threats against me when he is splitting--everything from cancelling holidays to divorce--we'll see if he makes good on these most recent threats.

That's a BPDs answer to rage and splitting.  Covert incest with a child.

I said, "Fine. Do what you want."  I am already planning on making the Thanksgiving meal without his help or presence.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=196073.msg12212894#msg12212894



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« Reply #1 on: November 16, 2018, 04:32:06 AM »

Howdy AskingWhy,

I hope everything is okay medically and it's nothing serious.

H smashing a pyrex dish on the kitchen floor has to be pretty scary not to mention very intimidating. That can't have been nice.

I get the sense that you could feel this brewing in him some time before his release valve (Pyrex dish smashing) popped. If you could re-run the day, what would/could you have done differently? Can you see how you fueled the fire of conflict before, during and after?

I know you've discussed extensively before but I notice in a lot of posts you mention that he doesn't buy you gifts, you brought this into the argument with him as well. Have you ever read 5 Love Languages? It's an interesting book about how we give and receive love. Have you ever thought critically about how you know you are loved? The 5 are, gifts, acts of service, quality time, words of affirmation, touch. Typically one is prominent, in your case maybe that Love Language is gifts. There's an additional concept here as well... .first one was how we receive love or how we feel loved, second is how we give love or show other people we love them, and the third is how we hurt people. As well as my question above, I wonder if you could tell me what Love Language you:

- receive love
- give love to your husband
- try and hurt your husband

e.g.
- I receive Love with words of affirmation and touch (I knew my father loved me when I came off the football pitch, he put his hand on my shoulder and said "you played well son")
- I give Love to my wife with acts of service (I tried hard and played well on the football pitch which gained me Love (as defined above) from my father. Do things... .get praise/love.
- I hurt my wife with words of criticism

Note the way I hurt my wife and the way I want to receive love are 2 sides of the same coin.

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Notwendy
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« Reply #2 on: November 16, 2018, 06:11:43 AM »

Have you heard of the term "everything but the kitchen sink?" The term also is used in arguments where one topic is the issue and then, each person throws in their pent up resentments.

The argument started with your H resenting driving you to the appointment. Then you both got home and the situation was not stable due to both of you being hungry. The acronym HALT - hungry, angry, lonely, tired is a warning that- in these situations, people are not at their best to have heavy discussions or arguments. You are both human and when humans are hungry, they are in flight or fight mode. It's our primitive systems preparing us to hunt our food. So you both were biologically primed to fight.

One of the most helpful things I learned was to recognize when I am in HALT and this could include other emotions. When faced with a situation like this, if I am in HALT I say " honey, I am not at my best right now and would like to continue this discussion later" and disengage- to take care of the need- in this case, get something to eat.

You did this well- told him you would help him with the dinner but needed to eat first. By then, his own blow up was overwhelming him and he was hungry too. He broke the dish and you did well to disengage but then you came back with the past resentment about the bracelet ( kitchen sink ) and then he threw in some of his own resentments.

These situations happen, and it is good to look at them from a learning standpoint. One management point was saying you were hungry. He escalated. One option would be to say calmly " I am really hungry and need to eat before we continue this" " I think we both need to eat something "and get something together for both of you. ( he's hungry too, so a nice gesture).

I can't eat with an angry person. I'm sensitive to other's feelings and my own background with BPD mom makes it hard to be in the presence of an angry person, so I would have said " I have a hard time eating when there is anger and so I need to go eat this and I will return". Then I would have left the room. Sometimes we have to repeat this over and over again if the issue is pushed.

The other issue is that- he is kitchen sinking but two people doing this fuel the fight. If the goal is to put out the fire, then it helps if at least one person doesn't do it. It takes some work to "catch" ourselves kitchen sinking but it really helps to not do it.

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Red5
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« Reply #3 on: November 16, 2018, 08:20:12 AM »

Good morning Askingwhy,

So sorry that you  in the midst of yet another extreme dysregulation, our hearts go out to you !

I myself am sitting at the circle here on Atlantic Beach in the Jeep wondering what just happened in my own home just this morning... .just dropped my son off at his day program, got the remains of a smashed cabinet door in the back... .gotta get that fixed... .it’s been a rough twenty four hours here, one of our beloved puppies passed away yesterday morning... .this is probably the reason uBPDw lost it this morning... .and of course my autistic son was the trigger again... .

I tell you, I just want to “f’ing” cry ; (

You hang in there Askingwhy!

We all love you!

Kind regards... .Red5
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“We are so used to our own history, we do not see it as remarkable or out of the ordinary, whereas others might see it as horrendous. Further, we tend to minimize that which we feel shameful about.” {Quote} Patrick J. Carnes / author,
formflier
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« Reply #4 on: November 16, 2018, 08:56:34 AM »


Is uber an option?  The focus needs to be on safely getting you to and from medical appointments.

How can that happen without your hubby being involved?

I've been left at home and taunted when I had a needed appointment.  It really... really sucks.  I'm so sorry you had to go through that.   

FF
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AskingWhy
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« Reply #5 on: November 19, 2018, 04:41:13 PM »

Uber is not an option.  Why should I have to pay when my H should take me?  This is his obligation as my H. 

I know about expectations, and I expect my H to behave like a rational, adult male rather than a pouty two year old.

In the end, he did take me to the medical appointment, but it was mostly haranguing me for most of the way there, and complaining all the way home.    He also did take me to the antique show.  The threats were just that--threats.

That said, he idealizes his adult children and splits me black.  I have observed pwBPD splitting about their children.  They either adore their children above all else, including more than their spouses, or they entirely devalue their children to merely objects.
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formflier
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« Reply #6 on: November 19, 2018, 05:15:40 PM »

Uber is not an option.  Why should I have to pay when my H should take me?  This is his obligation as my H. 
 

So... other than your husband, how can you get to where you need to be?

Does he agree this is his obligation?

FF
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AskingWhy
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« Reply #7 on: November 24, 2018, 12:58:37 AM »

FF, in the end, H will almost always take me despite his threats not to.  He spouts the threats to create leverage for his demands.  In the past, I would cry and beg but this only hurt my self-esteem.  Now I just let him rant.  If he blackmails me, then I have a backup plan.
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Notwendy
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« Reply #8 on: November 24, 2018, 07:18:55 AM »

It seems the two of you have resentments with each other. You resent that he is more attentive and generous to his children than he is with you. He seems to resent the arrangement that he is obligated to be your driver.

I wonder what direction you want to take your marriage. These are two situations that can perpetuate the resentments. If he feels unappreciated for the things he is expected to do and does- like driving, he isn't likely to want to do these things for you, or buy you things. As you feel unappreciated because he doesn't buy you nice things, you are not motivated to show appreciation to him.

I am not trying to say who is right or who is wrong. You have every right to feel resentful, and he feels what he feels. I'm mainly trying to bring up the idea that this is a potential stalemate. Both of you resentful, both of you bitter about the other person not meeting your expectations.

We can't change this by looking at the other person to change it. You'd feel better if he went out and bought you a nice gift but if he's resentful, he isn't likely to do this. Is there a way you can make a move to change this? Probably more than one way. One way would be to end the relationship if that was your choice. If you choose to stay, what things could you do to make your situation less difficult?  Since you are on the conflicted board, I wonder which way you are thinking about how you want this to go- without looking at him to change. It would be nice to have less resentment about him- for your own sake.
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formflier
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« Reply #9 on: November 24, 2018, 07:29:36 AM »

.

I wonder what direction you want to take your marriage. 


Notwendy asks a critically important question.  Are you interested in sorting through options of where you can take the marriage... .without your husbands "vote" or "cooperation"?

FF
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