Time to do some work over here

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi, I'm kells76, and usually I post over on Family Law/Coparenting (nutshell: my husband has two kids, and their mom has BPD-style behaviors). I've been doing some work off and on with our marriage counselor about my FOO, and last visit we were talking about the conflicts/fears I have in marriage, and how the way my brain got wired in childhood has affected my ability to have close relationships today.

My "homework" is to think about and write down what I'd want my parents and siblings to know about how things were for me as a kid in our family.

I don't think I'm ready yet to say that my my mom had/has BPD. I think that logically I've gone through the whole "grief" process about that possibility (I'm at "logical acceptance" right now), but I recognize that emotionally I haven't even cracked the door on it yet. So, what I'm able to do here is talk about what my mom was like when I was a kid, and how my dad was, and what I'd want them and my two sisters to know about what that was like for me.

And this seemed like a supportive place to do some homework 

So, if you guys are open to this type of post here, I'll start doing some thinking and writing today and tomorrow, and fill out some details about what things were like. Thanks for having me over from another board... .

kells76

[kells76]

Hi, I'm kells76, and usually I post over on Family Law/Coparenting (nutshell: my husband has two kids, and their mom has BPD-style behaviors). I've been doing some work off and on with our marriage counselor about my FOO, and last visit we were talking about the conflicts/fears I have in marriage, and how the way my brain got wired in childhood has affected my ability to have close relationships today.

My "homework" is to think about and write down what I'd want my parents and siblings to know about how things were for me as a kid in our family.

I don't think I'm ready yet to say that my my mom had/has BPD. I think that logically I've gone through the whole "grief" process about that possibility (I'm at "logical acceptance" right now), but I recognize that emotionally I haven't even cracked the door on it yet. So, what I'm able to do here is talk about what my mom was like when I was a kid, and how my dad was, and what I'd want them and my two sisters to know about what that was like for me.

And this seemed like a supportive place to do some homework 

So, if you guys are open to this type of post here, I'll start doing some thinking and writing today and tomorrow, and fill out some details about what things were like. Thanks for having me over from another board... .

kells76

[KHC_33]

Kells it is path of healing.
My mother has BPD and I just recently found out my 18 year has been diagnosed as of this past Sunday (very triggering for me).

It will be painful but it is important for you to see as an individual when clearly communicating/dealing with BPD has affected you in your own decision-making/perceptions and every day relationships.

I still have remnants of my mothers BPD in my own life that now I again have to work on.  Remember it's just as much as a journey for all BPD persons as it is for those who are victims of the BPD mental illness by relationship.

Hand in there!

[Harri]

Hi Kells!  I have read you over on the Law and co-parenting board so I feel like I sort of know a part of you anyway.

Share as much as you want and in any way you choose.  It's all good.

[Turkish]

kells76,

I look forward to reading further.  I started out on bettering then detaching before I found my way here.  The past gives us context to move forward and heal into a better life. 

T

[Notwendy]

I think this is a great section for anyone dealing with BPD in the family- parent, child, partner, ex. Dysfunction affects the whole family. When we grow up with it, the family patterns shape our behaviors in future relationships.

Whether it is fully BPD, or not, many dysfunctions fit a similar family pattern. I attend ACA groups and these include children of dysfunction- whether or not alcohol was involved. Understanding our own FOO is really helpful to understanding ourselves. Welcome!

[Panda39]

Hi kells 

I also know you from the co-parenting board, where I have found you to be smart and caring.   

This is a great place to do exactly what you are proposing.  I started out on the co-parenting board, and spent some time on the legal board, but finally settled over here. 

The folks here really helped me understand what my SO's daughters might be experiencing.  They have helped me avoid some pitfalls I could have taken with my SO's girls.  I then found myself working on me and processing my relationship with my mother which has never been close. 

My mom isn't BPD but is controlling and critical and it did  a number on my self-esteem and it effected many choices I've made.  I've learned a lot of things the hard way.  I've been able to share some of those things here and further process what my childhood meant for me. 

I look forward to seeing you over here more, and working with you.

Panda39 

[Woolspinner2000]

Welcome kells76, 

While the others are familiar with you, I'm pretty much only here on PSI, so you are new to me! I'm very glad to have you come over here and join us in our workings on our FOO. I'm really pleased to hear that your T gave you this awesome homework (which I imagine you are not the most excited about. But over here we are excited! )

It took me a long time in T to be ready to crack open the door to my childhood, like about a year. In the meantime I talked about my struggles at work and in my marriage, thinking they were all separate entities and not connected at all. Finally came a day when I connected my childhood and my uBPDm to my coworker that I was struggling with. Then some time later the light bulb came on that the way I interacted with DH was also how I interacted (or did NOT interact) with my uBPDm for fear of retaliation and so many other things.

Take your time. It is overwhelming at first. One baby step at a time. We are hear to listen to your words, no matter what they are. Share as you are emotionally able.

 
Wools

[kells76]

Thank you all for the warm welcome; it means a lot to be "invited in" over here.

Things sped up more than I'd planned last night. DH and I were over at my parents' for dinner, and we were talking about values. My mom commented something like "X is really important to me, so I tried to raise you with that at the forefront... .at least, I attempted to". Typically I would say something validating at that point, but last night I was just quiet, and nobody else filled in, so it was silent for a while. We talked about other stuff, then later my mom brought up "When I said X, did I say something wrong, or... .?" So, door opened... .

I said no, she didn't say anything wrong, but it was coincidental that I'd recently been thinking about talking about "how things were", and so I was just lost in thought when she brought up how she'd raised us. And that the older I get, the more I realize how important it is to go back and talk about our experiences and share what things were like for us, to get more understanding about things that might have been confusing.

My sisters (one older, one younger) have already started having this type of conversation with my mom. They both skew more towards the angry side of things (so far with me it looks like more sadness and grief). My younger sister apparently told my mom that it was a miracle that none of us kids ended up drug addicts or dead -- that's what my mom brought up last night. Mom was pretty teary and then excused herself. I think she felt hurt when she heard that.

It was just DH, me, and my dad left. DH is pretty analytical and not great at SET/not JADE-ing so when my dad emphasized that the problem was the abuse that my mom's dad inflicted (which I know was my dad JADEing himself by Defending my mom), DH was like Well, I think it would be important for kells76 to hear her mom take responsibility for her choices.

I shared with my dad that it meant a lot to me when I heard his dad tell me about abuse that had happened in his family, because it helped me understand why my grandpa was kind of distant, and it helped me understand my dad better and myself better. I guess I was trying to emphasize that talking about "what really happened" might be uncomfortable but is really important to do, in a way my dad could understand. Then I got teary.

Non-sarcastically, overall it went... .not horribly? I mean, that was what it looked like for things to go "as well as they could have". My dad hugged DH and I, and later my mom texted to say "hugs".

My mom has been in counseling (weekly, I suspect) since I was somewhere in the 4-9 year old range (I don't remember when she started but it was before I was 10), and I'm 32 now. It's hard to see how raw things still are for her even now. My dad was talking about how it's really hard for her to apologize or admit she's wrong because of how it impacts her identity and sense of self worth. So at some point I think he has either talked with her counselor or my mom has been able to explain that to him.

So, all that having happened, where I'm at is realizing:

*This is the first small step in a long process. I'm not anticipating being able to have  one 2-hour chat with either parent and have everything resolved.

*My dad takes a protective/rescuer role with my mom and defends her.

*My mom, even after decades of counseling, is highly affected by us kids sharing our experiences and analyses of growing up.

... .

OK, all for now. Next I will try to post about what I would want my parents and sisters to know about my experiences growing up.

[kells76]

OK, so a few things that I think I would like my dad to know about my experience growing up are:

-I appreciated that he did things with me (building models, camping, working on projects). That felt special.

-I don't remember him and my mom fighting at all, and I'm not sure what to make of that

-It's been hard for me to "allow" him to change, because it feels more secure to me that he doesn't -- this might be because I perceived him as "reliable" as a kid

-It would help me to know about times when he did feel angry about something about our family, and what he did about it

A few things I would start with that I would want my mom to know:

-I remember it being hard for me to tell her how I really felt about things

-I worried a lot about if something bad would happen to her

-There are some things I remember that, while not totally confusing, I've wondered about (i.e. we were homeschooled, but for one grade we did all our homeschooling at a friend's house with her mom -- this was when I was 12 or so -- and it didn't strike me until a couple of years ago that this was kind of odd)

-I know that she survived abuse and I'm not mad at her or wanting to end our relationship, I just want to bring up some things I remember and how things were for me

A few things I would want my siblings to know:

-I think we had some really different experiences with our parents, but some parts were probably the same

-I am OK with them having different experiences then and different relationships with our parents now

-As a kid, I experienced my dad as stable and my mom as not very present physically

OK, I'll start with that.
-

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Kells76, 

Typically I would say something validating at that point, but last night I was just quiet, and nobody else filled in, so it was silent for a while. We talked about other stuff, then later my mom brought up "When I said X, did I say something wrong, or... ."

Notice here that you chose to not triangulate.   Well done. You didn't JADE when she came back to ask the question either. Big steps!

It takes a lot of courage to step out and take a different interaction route to travel, one that may be uncomfortable because it is not the same path that you are familiar with. I've often heard it said that if you want things to change you can't do the same things the way you always have done them.

You are exploring and thinking, and I am glad. Keep going. Keep letting us know. It's safe here.

 
Wools

[Harri]

Hi Kells.  It has been a few days and we had Thanksgiving yesterday too so I'm wondering how you're doing?

I like the list of things you want to talk about with your family members.  It is hard to say how your mother may react though.  Are you prepared for the possibility of a more negative response if you do talk with her?  I am not saying don't talk as I think it is important to you, but I do want you to be as prepared as you can be.

I don't have kids but I do know what it is like to have to look within at my own behaviors over the years.  Yes, it was because of my own history of abuse but the only way to really change is to take full responsibility regardless of how I developed certain behaviors.  It is a hard thing to do, especially at first.  I can only assume it must be harder to confront with your own kids.  It is good that you are approaching this with an open and accepting heart.  That sounds so cliche to me and maybe it is.  I just think that attitude is going to serve you well.

So when you can, give us an update.  I'm not assuming you had the conversation, but i am wondering where your thoughts are ow that a few days have passed.