The aftermath after being blocked

[Yellowpearl]

yellowpearl's previous thread can be found here:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=330941.0;all

I posted a thread the other week about my situation, and got closed due to reply limit. This is a continuation with focus on the blocking that the pwBPD did.

If pwBPD block you and tell you they don’t want to ever talk again, what are the chances they will unblock after space especially it was a decision after an outburst?

He stopped speaking for a few weeks. After pressing the issue, later told me he wanted to be alone and wasn’t talking to anyone. Before knowing this, would get anxious and ask to meet right away and reach out. When I got in touch, he acted like nothing happened and he had an outburst and yelled at me over me reaching out too much, how it shut him down. Out of nowhere he told me he doesn’t want to be with anyone right now, talked about uncertainty about his work life. I feel like me pushing only made things worse.

He had a dismissive tone and I freaked out again and then over  txt told him how disrespectful he was, how unstable he was coming across and I blocked him. Then later I apologized in person. I ended up anxiously jading him. He said maybe we can get coffee the next day after stonewalling me. I think he was still too hurt by my harsh words that he blew me off, canceled and told me “I didn’t want to talk to you anymore. I don’t see the point in prolonging this. My mind is made up. What’s done is done” I felt disrespected and hurt that he suggested coffee just to write it off again. So I couldn’t help but send an emotional, upset txt and he blocked me again. Then I sent a letter airing out my grievances and telling him not to contact me again... I felt like I did that to process my own hurt and shock from this. Now I have regrets and I bet he got really hurt by my words, and I realized I handled this not well at all.

It’s been a month of no contact. I was thinking of going forward in sending a short apology at least for my actions after a little more space to at least help cool the waters. I do feel I pushed too much and JADEed him. I wonder what are the chances he will be willing to reconcile in the future? Is blocking usually a bad sign?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Radcliff]

The situation you describe, where we and our pwBPD get wrapped up in a reactive back-and-forth, is quite common.  You're realizing your reactions.  With practice, you'll be able to head things off before you react and fuel the fire of conflict.  It's hard work, but doable.

A short apology can work well to break the ice.  How would you word the apology?

RC

[Yellowpearl]

Thanks for your reply! That's what seemed to happen, I became very reactive which only added fuel to the fire. Now that I realize some things, I'm trying to learn skills so that I can get a better handle on this sort of conflict. Although cutting people off and saying "I don't want to see you again" can be quite common for a pwBPD, after these explosions, I wonder how reversible this is, considering he told me he made up his mind, even though the day prior he was the one to suggest coffee. It felt like a really bad fight that i'm not sure we can come back from and I sent that letter too after which I sort of regret. I'm also worried that i'm still blocked.

In terms of my apology: Here's what I have so far:
"Hey, I'm very sorry for how things turned out. I understand that the way I reacted must have hurt you and I regret what I did. I've always enjoyed your company. You told me that you wanted to be alone and I didn't respect that, I see how this would upset you. It makes me sad that we are no longer talking. I'd be happy to hear from you when you're ready."

I wasn't sure about the "I've always enjoyed your company part." Any insights or suggestions about the apology. I'm a little nervous about coming off too strongly or not personal enough. It can be hard to find a medium.

[Radcliff]

That's a pretty nice apology.  You empathize and validate.  You use an "I" statement, almost, with "It makes me feel... ."  It might be a little safer to say, "I feel sad... ." so it's nothing like "you make me feel sad" ("you" statements are dangerous).  I see what you mean about enjoying his company.  That could use a bit of warming up.  Perhaps something like, "I so enjoy spending time with you... ."

Another nice thing is that your apology is short, and doesn't put any pressure on him.  Many folks send something that is so long it's almost a manifesto.  You're on target here.

RC

[Yellowpearl]

I'm glad to hear the apology looks good overall. I agree, it's been really important to empathize and validate and prevent any form of triggering him, as that's all I seemed to have done in my previous messages out of being reactive.

Those suggestions are really good. I see how "I feel sad" is better than "it makes me feel sad" which I agree, may make it sound like i'm saying he makes me sad. The "I always enjoyed your company" part sounds contrived for sure. In place of that, "I so enjoy spending time with you" is good too. I wonder if there is a lighter version of that, "if seeming too emotional can be dangerous too). Or if telling him something like this tells him I care.

I'm glad it's short and concise enough, so he wouldn't be overwhelmed. I guess I just have to deal with my fears. I'm worried, what if i'm deluded here, and he doesn't want any contact and by sending it to him, i'm continuing to disrespect him or even further hurt myself! During the explosion, after weeks of not talking to me, during an outburst, he told me he didn't want to be with anyone. I couldn't tell if he was saying that out of stress, since he seemed to me, very emotionally dysregulated.

[SlothMaiden]

Hi Yellowpearl.

Saw your post here and just dropped by to say that I know exactly what you've been going through right now because my ex blocked me too (although it's more like he's pouting that I didn't talk to him at first place). They only see their own pains, not ours. So it's going to be this way for several times. I wish you luck then!

[Yellowpearl]

Hey SlothMaiden, thanks for dropping by! I agree, they seem to see their own pain and fail to understand how hurtful it is not to resolve this. I too am starting to feel I will go through this several more times. But as intense that this was, maybe this was the last time which is what I fear. But as i've seen on this board, it seems like a phase or something. 

[Yellowpearl]

So this is what I have:

"Hey, I'm very sorry for how things turned out. I understand that the way I reacted must have hurt you and I regret what I did. I so do enjoy spending time with you. You told me that you wanted to be alone and I didn't respect that, I see how this would upset you. I feel sad that we are no longer talking. I'd be happy to hear from you when you're ready."

I still worry about "I so do spending time with you." sounding like i'm sucking up to him or is too much?

I'm a bit nervous on how he will take this. If i'm still blocked, I wonder if there is a way I can at least send this and work around that without stepping on boundaries? I'm just worried about the apology being inappropriate if he has me blocked.

[Yellowpearl]

Sorry to post again, I keep rephrasing the apology. I was thinking maybe it wouldn't hurt to state that I was hurt too. I just want to be happy with the apology and it's so hard not to JADE or want to express how I felt bad. Maybe it would be more sincere if I add that part but i'm worried that one line may throw him off or trigger him.

Here's the newest version

"hey i'm very sorry for how things turned out. I understand that the way I reacted must have hurt you, and I regret what I did. But I was hurt to. I do so enjoy spending time with you. You told me you wanted to be alone and I didn't respect that. I feel sad that we are no longer talking. I'd be happy to hear from you if or when you're ready."

I also played with the idea of putting "if or when you're ready" or maybe just better to go with "when you're ready."

[Harri]

Hi.  I think you are doing well so lets keep working on this.

I understand that the way I reacted must have hurt you, and I regret what I did. But I was hurt to.

In general, statements with the word 'but' do not go over well as anything following the but can be very invalidating.  In this case, though I do not know your pwBPD, it can also be taken as a blame statement.  I wonder if changing it to something like "I understand that the way I reacted must have hurt you, and I regret what I did. I was acting from a place of hurt."  I am not convinced that is the best way to phrase it so see what you think and what others suggest.

As for the last I would keep it at 'when you are ready'.  It seems cleaner to me. 

Thoughts?

[Yellowpearl]

@Harri, thanks for the suggestion and feedback. You are right, "But I was hurt too" seems like a bad idea, as just the word "but" may throw him off and everything after that would indeed come off invalidating. Knowing him, anything invalidating will throw him off. He is easily triggered. Especially after the blow up, I may have to be very careful about this because he kept misinterpreting what I was saying.

Your idea of  "I understand that the way I reacted must have hurt you, and I regret what I did. I was acting from a place of hurt." comes across a lot better. Or maybe "I acted from a place of hurt"

It would be nice to express my hurt to him in the apology. Though, I, too, am not sure if this type of line mentioning my hurt will make a good or bad impact overall. I wonder if it's bad in the sense he may think "she did something out of hurt, so what she did was wrong after all" or trigger him in anyway just from saying the word "hurt" It sucks because I have an itch to express how hurt I was.

[Radcliff]

Harri makes a good point about "but."  I was going to say not to talk about your hurt at all, but I really like how you say that you were acting from a place of hurt.  That validates your hurt, which I think is important to you, but does it in a way that doesn't appear (to me at least) to be threatening.  Adding the part about you being hurt does increase the risk of upsetting him a bit, but with the major benefit of validating yourself.  I think many of us (me especially) have been walking on eggshells so much that we invalidate ourselves routinely.  I think your latest version strikes an impressive balance.

RC

[Harri]

Radcliff said: 

Adding the part about you being hurt does increase the risk of upsetting him a bit, but with the major benefit of validating yourself.  I think many of us (me especially) have been walking on eggshells so much that we invalidate ourselves routinely.

  I agree and being careful to not invalidate you while expressing what you feel strongly about is always my priority... .but that may not be yours.  My perspective is different here in that I was raised by a mentally ill mother and spent decades not speaking up and then being filled with resentment which was not good for me and not good for any relationship I had, not just my mom. 
Yellowpearl: 

It sucks because I have an itch to express how hurt I was.

You are important too as are your feelings.  We can't expect our disordered person to pay attention to our feelings so we have to and then decide what we want to do about them.  Can you not mention your hurt and let it go or will it turn to resentment or build with other times you have put your needs aside?  I don't know the answer for you but (!) for me, I find that when i am not able to release my feelings is when I get in trouble the most... .and I mean in trouble with myself mentally and emotionally.  Is it really validating when you invalidate yourself to validate another?  I'm not sure.

[Yellowpearl]

Thanks for the suggestions, you guys, as i'm really trying to work through this message, all the tips really help.

Adding the part about you being hurt does increase the risk of upsetting him a bit, but with the major benefit of validating yourself.  I think many of us (me especially) have been walking on eggshells so much that we invalidate ourselves routinely. I think your latest version strikes an impressive balance.

We can't expect our disordered person to pay attention to our feelings so we have to and then decide what we want to do about them... .I find that when i am not able to release my feelings is when I get in trouble the most... .and I mean in trouble with myself mentally and emotionally.  Is it really validating when you invalidate yourself to validate another?  I'm not sure

Radcliff & Harri You guys both make excellent points here. With a disordered person, we already are walking on eggshells so much, that  it does come a point where you get tired of it and start to feel mentally troubled yourself, from the impact of not validating your own feelings.

I think the apology with adding how it was coming from a place sounds really good and it's the best I can do to feel comfortable enough that i'm apologizing for my wrongs, yet acknowledging that I was affected too. In considering my own grievances, i'm although questioning whether sending the apology at all is basically walking around eggshells too because after we stopped talking, I actually sent him a letter of grievances over how hurt I was, and I didn't expect to want to talk to him again at the time.

And the part of how I didn't respect him being alone and saying how I could see how that would upset him. Isn't that invalidating to me? To me it's like I was suffering from anxiety from probably silent treatment, not trying to disrespect him, in my eyes he should have told me something. Yet to him, because I pushed and reach out too much, I "shut him down." So it's a bit confusing here.

So now by apologizing, I'm having trouble with the idea that he will perceive it as... ."she sent me a letter of how much I affected her and said such harsh things, now shes apologizing, what does she want from me... " I guess I'm worried that the apology is invaliding for everything I went through with just being around a disordered person, but maybe that's something I have to accept in someone whose personality is impaired? That it is the only way to get along and not end contact for good is to make that first step because they aren't ones to do that? It just kind of troubles me emotionally. I'm not sure how to get past that, or if a reconciling does happen, if it would get better somehow, eventually if I learn certain skills.

[Harri]

Well, there is no rush to send anything.  That is the beauty of posting here.  You get to work out what is right for you and focus on who you should be concerned the most with:  you. 

I am not sure how to approach this given the other letter you sent.  If he has asked for space my inclination would be to give it to him while working on you.  Write letters here like you are, and dig down and really look at your needs and wants before you do anything.  I can't say it enough; you matter.  I am not trying to direct you either way so I can work with whatever you want.  I don't want you to take my comments to mean to contact or not contact.  We are concerned about you and helping you do what is right for you.

So that said, keep writing.  Follow your thoughts and hesitations and wants right here.  We've got ya.  I may not have an answer, but I usually have an opinion or two!      

[Yellowpearl]

I was thinking there is no need to rush too. I feel like I will want to send the apology, eventually, perhaps after Thanksgiving. Maybe, I can look at it as, if I am still struggling to calm down from this situation, likely his feelings may be 5x intensified. So perhaps once I start to feel a little better in a week or 2-3 weeks, it would be better to send it then. Maybe i'd feel more comfortable with the idea of sending one then too.

I agree, a lot of this is about me, and processing my own emotions and doing what's best for me and am able to sleep at night, with the action that I take. It's nice to have such a support group that really understands. I'd feel like a crazy person and a bit alone in trying to explain this to people in my life.

I'd have to maybe think about if there is anything I can say in the apology, about why the drastic change of heart from airing out my grievances to him harshly to the apology. I almost wonder if not addressing the elephant in the room and if that makes thing more awkward and more of a shock in the apology and contacting. But I might be just overthinking it.

[Yellowpearl]

Okay, here we go, i'm down to the wire. I have two versions for the apology.

"Hey i'm very sorry for how things turned out. I understand that the way I reacted must have hurt you and I regret what I did. I do so enjoy spending time with you. You told me that you wanted to be alone and I didn't respect that, I see how this would upset you. I feel sad that we are no longer talking. I'd be happy do hear from you when you are ready"

"Hey i'm very sorry for how things turned out. I understand that the way I reacted must have hurt you and I regret what I did. I wasn't in a calm place to talk to you properly, i'm sincerely sorry for that. It was immature and dumb of me to overreact. I've so liked hanging out with you and I've enjoyed our conversations. You told me you wanted to be alone and I didn't respect that, I see how this would upset you. I feel sad that we are no longer talking. I'd be happy to hear from you when you're ready."

-Any advice on which sounds better? The second one adds a little more apology on my end.
-I'm also wondering, not sure if i'm still blocked, do I just send this from another phone and hope for the best. So don't want to startle him but 5 weeks since no contact.

[Yellowpearl]

One more version, bare with me!

"hey, i'm very sorry for how things turned out. I understand that the way I reacted must have hurt you. I honestly enjoyed your company and I regret what I did. I know you said you were not talking to anyone and wanted to be alone, and I didn't respect that, I see how this would upset you. I feel sad we are no longer talking. If you ever do want to talk, i'd be happy to hear from you when you're ready, and I wanted you to know that.

[Harri]

-Any advice on which sounds better? The second one adds a little more apology on my end.
-I'm also wondering, not sure if i'm still blocked, do I just send this from another phone and hope for the best. So don't want to startle him but 5 weeks since no contact.

Which message feels more like you and reflects your values and who you are?  It is hard for me to pick one as I do not know you that well and I know nothing about him

As for the second question... .I did not realize you are blocked and to get this message to him you would have to go to extreme measures.   Forgive me I do not remember if you shared this before, did he block you before you sent the last letter to him or after?

[Yellowpearl]

Hi Harri, I'm seeming to go crazy for every little line. You are right, in just going with what feels the best. My latest version that feels in touch with my values is:
"Hey i'm very sorry for how things turned out. I understand that the way I reacted must have hurt you and I regret what I did. I do so enjoy hanging out with you, I feel like I made things worse. You told me that you wanted to be alone and I didn't respect that, I see how this would upset you. I feel sad that we are no longer talking. If you ever do want to talk, I'd be happy do hear from you when you are ready."

Added the line " I feel like I made things worse" Not sure how helpful it is, but maybe it shows remorse?"

The possibility of still being blocked does make this a lot harder. What happened was, he changed his mind about hanging out to resolve things last minute, he was still too tense, said the "don't want to hang out anymore" thing. I felt upset and sent him an upset txt, and he blocked me. Then after that I sent the letter. Everything happened really fast, with not much space for us to cool down.

I wasn't sure if a way to work around that, was to send a message through google voice app or my work phone and add a disclaimer "this is my google voice app. I still have the same number I can be reached at" But I worry it's so awkward to do that, especially side by side with the apology.

[Harri]

Hi there.  It is okay if you are feeling all sorts of crazy... .it is to be expected I think.  This is a big deal for you so I get it.   

I do like the version that feels like the best fit for you.  I also think that you are not ready to send anything just yet, though that is entirely up to you.  I only say that because you have three different options .  I think we need to really nail this down and take our time, even more than you already are.  We also need to think aboput how he will take receiving any message from you and, most importantly, you are ready to deal with any potential consequences.  That is me thinking cautiously though and i can be a bit of an over thinker <rolls eyes at self>.

Working around his block can send a message of disrespect for his wishes.  It is a boundary of sorts and figuring out a way around it can easy be seen as antagonistic or even aggressive.  (I've been there done that... .and my ex was right.  I should have let him be).

Based on what you know of him, and what you wrote in your letter to him, how do you think this will go over?

[Yellowpearl]

I agree with you, that i’m not yet ready to send this apology. This is sure a big deal for me, true! I definitely need to think it through and make sure it says exactly what I want to say and as you said think about how it would be received on his end. I need to be ready for any response too. That’s why i also wanted to make the apology gentle as possible, considering how harsh my letter was.

In terms of blocking. It is hard to say how he will take it if I txt him using a different route.

I wonder if it makes a difference I blocked him first. He was telling me nonchalantly he doesn’t see the point in prolonging this or talking  (due to my previous harsh message). I encouraged maybe talking another time, he dismissed that too. So I sent an upset txt and blocked first instead of being like “okay”. Later that day, I was going to send another txt and noticed he blocked me too. Maybe I instigated the blocking.

It may be possible (of course we don’t know), but maybe after I sent the letter, he had some weeks to think about it, cool down and think about how his actions were wrong too. There were times in the past, if i’d tell him my feelings, he’d process it and realize why I reacted a certain way and think about what he did. I think though he must have gotten really hurt by my words.  And he doesn’t want to face he made any mistakes in how I was treated outlined in the letter. So if he’s really hurt, maybe he would push back hard at first or not reply. Maybe there is a chance that eventually after processing his actions, and time, he will come back to those words in the apology when he’s ready and find comfort in it?

I just want to make the apology open as possible with not much room for misunderstandings or anything negative he can take out of it.

But yeah I still don’t want to disrespect his boundaries by sending it in another route if I’m still blocked. It’s possible he unblocked but there’s no way to know for sure. So it’s hard to really know which route  to go in. I would like to send this last apology but I don’t want to come across intrusive.

[Yellowpearl]

Okay guys, I think I'm realizing a possible flaw in my apology message ideas above. For example in saying 'Sorry it must have hurt you... .' could be taken as 'Oh! So you think you can hurt me?' Since that's how someone with BPD can perceive it if they aren't in the best mood. I have a feeling  how he takes it depends on his mood which can vary quite often.

Looking back in the past he was in a terrible mood and stressed one time. I told him "sorry I made things worse for you" And he was like "Excuse me? You think you can make things worse? It had nothing to do with you"

I just want to be careful since this is my last shot, maybe I should just speak from the heart as much as I can. I feel like he can sense if i'm trying too hard or if it sounds too contrived, it won't come off right. Here's what poured out of me today to say in the apology:

"Hey, I'm very sorry for how things turned out the other month. I realized that I reacted badly and said things that I regret out of hurt and immaturity. I don't have much dating experience and my emotions got too much to handle. I just really liked you, I'm truly sorry for my aggressive attempts to talk to you. You told me you wanted to be alone and I didn't respect that. I enjoyed our time together, I think you're awesome, and I liked our conversations. I feel sad that we are no longer talking. If you're ever open to it, it would be nice to just start over and I'd be happy to hear from you when you're ready.

My only concern is that maybe it's too nice that he will be confused or suspicious. Any suggestions or thoughts.

[Yellowpearl]

Scratch the last post! I think I was feeling emotional and I realize that last apology option is too explaining/justifying, and would be too much for both me and him. I also realize saying I understand it must have hurt him is important, so he feels understood.

This has been such a process for me but I finally think i'm getting closer to being ready to send the apology. I, at the very least, decided on something:

Hey, i'm very sorry for how things turned out. I understand that the way I reacted must have hurt you, and I regret what I did. I so have enjoyed spending time with you. You told me that you wanted to be alone and I didn't respect that, I see how this would upset you. I feel sad that we are no longer talking. I'd be happy to hear from you when you're ready.

The only problem left is, when to know i'm ready to send it, how he may take it and what to prepare for, and not knowing if i'm still blocked or not by phone. If I should just send it through my work phone, and add a disclaimer "this is my work phone " I really don't know the best way to handle that without being intrusive.

[LoveOnTheRocks]

Hi Yellowpearl:  I think all of your letters to him sound good, because all are an attempt to tell him how you feel and what you feel and express observations about things that happened.  I believe that anytime you attempt to apologize for your actions, clarify your TRUE feelings (and clean up your reactive expressions), you are on a good track.  I had a therapist once teach me about reacting and then acting.  He said that anytime I deliver bad news to someone (or anything they might not like), I should expect for their first response to be reactive.  He said if it's something bad, for me not to react to them reacting, but to remember that often people react first, then with a little time, they act.  So, in uneasy moments, expect a reaction first, don't react to their react, then, given time, see if they've thought it through and will later act... .

One concern or question I have is this... .Are you giving this without any requirements or wishful requirements (such as, would you do this apology if you were certain he will still want to continue with no contact with you)?  I only want you to be prepared that if you send this, he may get it and choose that he still wants to continue with the distance, because from what I've read, he was the one that started the "distance between you" in the first place.  If this is an effort to "beg him back with a taste of your newfound great communication skills" I am worried you will be hurt further, because I am not sure it was your upset reaction that caused him to disregard you in the first place... .That said, I only have these posts to work from, so me not being sure is irrelevant, and what you think is much more relevant.  I only want you to be prepared that after this, you may be feeling more hurt again, because it's possible you will.  A month of distance is a pretty long time.  What do you think?

[Yellowpearl]

Hey LoveOnTheRocks , thanks so much for your thoughtful reply, as i'm going to the process of what to expect in sending this apology.

It's interesting that you brought up the fact that your therapist suggested that when giving someone bad news or possibly something they may not like, it is wise to expect a reactive first reaction, and how it's important to let them and take a step back, then after some time, they may decide to act. That pretty much sums up the opposite of what I did last month and now i'm starting to understand this. He'd get reactive, and i'd get so anxious that I'd react back. So, i'm glad you brought this up, I could expect a reactive response, or no response at all. - Maybe that's what I should to expect (the worst).

Now that it's been a month, and I feel a bit more detached from the situation. Though, as for your question, I see what you mean, about if the apology is wishing him back or has wishful requirements even if he may want to continue no contact with me. I'm feeling like it's both. I want to leave things on a better note and feel that I handled things maturely on my end, by taking responsibility. I worry I hurt him and that my reactions were not good. So I do want him to just have the apology, and I think I understand, it's up to him how he takes it. The guilt has been weighing on me too. I'm not really sure I have much hope he will come back. I was feeling the apology may even take months for him to reply, if he decides to. And I think that's fine too. I just wanted it out there, so he can process it. In other words, if he doesn't want anything, I wouldn't be surprised. (But i'd still be hurt if I get an immediate negative reply, rather than no reply at all - I think I almost expect NO response, not sure, should I just expect a negative reply to reduce shock?).

With that said, I do still hope that the apology would give that potential to work things out and I would like it hopefully improve the situation, I think that's why I've been working so hard on this. I just want to make sure it comes across validating this time. However, maybe you are right that we are not sure it was my upset reaction that caused him to disregard me in the first place, since he initially created that distance, so maybe it's likely that he still won't talk to me. I wondered if it was disordered thinking that was going on, and him being dysregulated and, if it was a situation where once he reached baseline, it didn't matter he caused the distance as much? I'm just still unclear on what happened, cause after weeks of silence, he acted like he was eventually going to get back to me if I didn't send those texts asking how he is and "shut him down" but in that same convo, he was having an outburst and saying he doesn't want to be with anyone. So i'm not sure.

My hope was and maybe it's wishful, but that a month of space, he had time to process what happened and think about his own actions and be in a position to be open to my apology and eventually be open to mending things.

If he reacts and says "don't want to talk to you again, I already told you" maybe I should just say "okay" and let him calm down and see if that choice sticks or if it was just a first reactive reaction. I'm thinking, maybe its best to expect the worst, I'm just nervous.

[Radcliff]

This last one that you and Harri were discussing is perfect:

"Hey i'm very sorry for how things turned out. I understand that the way I reacted must have hurt you and I regret what I did. I do so enjoy hanging out with you, I feel like I made things worse. You told me that you wanted to be alone and I didn't respect that, I see how this would upset you. I feel sad that we are no longer talking. If you ever do want to talk, I'd be happy do hear from you when you are ready."

The next one that you added, I think you were bending over too far backwards and talking yourself down.

It's good to be thoughtful about what to send him, but here's a very important way I'm suggesting you change your thinking:  avoid the temptation to think that your words must be perfect, and a slight imperfection in wording will doom everything.

I know how easy it is to feel this way!  But you need to be able to give it your best shot, see what happens, and then on the next round give that your best shot, too.  You have to learn to live with the messiness of imperfection in communication.  What I'm wishing for you is if you can get through this change in mindset, you will have more peace and serenity while dealing with these issues.  This will make you healthier and happier, as well as better functioning in the relationship.  Does this make sense?

RC

[Yellowpearl]

Radcliff, thanks for the input. Now that I look back at all the versions, the one Harri and I were talking about, that you posted, feels like the truest one. The only concern I had was whether the part about "I feel like I made things worse" is jade-ing or too down on myself. Or if it shows remorse.

I really appreciate you pointing out how important it is to be careful not to feel every part needs to be perfect and if it isn't it will ruin everything. I realize I've been going through so many versions, and feeling anxious over this. I think it's because I realized how much I didn't think through my words during the outburst, that I'm almost being too careful. Maybe the other part is being  so nervous about his reactions and feeling this is my last shot to try to mend things.

It's so true though, I have to somehow be okay the version and give it my best shot and have the mindset that I know I mean well so that any future interactions go smoother, as long as I am sure of that - which can be so hard. Especially as I learn about jading.

[Harri]

Hi again.  I am glad Radcliff posted... .he is very much on target.  When I mentioned being prepared for his reaction, I meant at your end.  You are right in that you have to have the mindset that you mean well and then let it go.  He can choose how to react or respond and that is really out of your hands.  I am sorry if my words served to put too much emphasis on his reaction.  That was not my intention. 

Do you think sitting with this a bit more is a good thing to do right now?  Again, sorting your feelings is important.

[Yellowpearl]

Hey Harri, thanks for checking in. I see what you mean in being prepared for his reaction, on my end. That was very helpful advice because I needed to take in consideration how his reactions would affect me.

It's good you asked if sitting with this a bit more is a good thing? I want to avoid too much time passing by, and overthinking about this as i'm still not sure about adding "I feel like I made things worse" part.

But also I've had a month to detach myself, so i'm feeling that I can handle any reaction from him better now. I'm just nervous about going through the same stuff that him and I went through in the past if things were to mend, and after thinking about some BPD behaviors from his end and knowing some parts about him may never change, the idea of interacting with him can still feel unsettling. Those are some underlying fears. Since there was a lot of instability in the relationship due to his intense emotions, it's daunting to put myself out there and not knowing what I'll get back. Even with these fears, I still feel like apologizing is the right thing to do, but maybe I need more time. I'm kind of lost.