Worn Down and Losing Hope

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi, folks. I found this board after reading "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and have read a few topics thus far, as I have found it somewhat comforting to know that there are others out there going through what I currently am (although it's all quite unfortunate). My live-in gf of 7 years is imo undiagnosed BPD. She did recently start going to therapy and has been diagnosed with major depressive disorder--either way, her behavior matches what I've read about here and elsewhere quite closely. We have two wonderful children: D5 and D7mos (still getting used to the shorthand here--forgive me for any errors). I am getting really concerned, and quite frankly fed up, as the emotional and verbal abuse that pwBPD has directed at me for nearly our entire relationship is now also being directed at D5.

As pwBPD has finally seemed to realize that she has some sort of problem (previously I was the cause of all her behavior--even though I have heard from herself and others that it goes back to way before we ever met), I'm holding out hope for now. She is even on medication: Gabapentin, which she seems to like quite a bit (pops em like candy). I'm honestly not sure if it's working or not. While her rages haven't reached the peaks they have in the past, it hasn't at all stopped the outrageous verbal abuse she spouts. I lost my job back in May and my unemployment recently ran out, so that's put an extra load of stress on everything (and she now blames this fact for how she acts). We're currently getting by on a retirement fund I cashed out early. I have at least a couple of part-time prospects which seem like almost sure-bets and she just in the last couple of days started working for a mobile delivery service. So yeah, it's tough times, but I am confident they will pass. I know I need to get my butt in gear and apply for more jobs. The thing is, I have also struggled with depression for many years and the stress of having someone telling you that you're worthless all the time makes it really hard for me to then turn around and sell my abilities to a potential employer. My blood pressure is now indicative of stage II hypertension and I'm pretty sure that the stress of this relationship is a major factor. I'm only 35 years old!

Our living arrangement bears mentioning. Shamefully, we live rent-free in a house owned by my mother. She doesn't live with us--I can only imagine how that would play out. The place is small, but enough space for the time being. It wasn't at all maintained well before we moved in and that is a constant source of anger and anxiety for pwBPD. I'm not happy about things either, but I try be appreciative for what we have given the circumstances. When we moved in, we had agreed to pay the mortgage each month. My partner and I both found jobs, but lost them shortly thereafter. I ended up finishing up my BA and finding part-time, and eventually, full-time work. My partner has not worked since (until this latest thing at least) and I'd be lying if I said that I didn't resent it somewhat. Especially since before D5 was conceived we talked about things and she said that she was going to find a job soon even if she was pregnant. Yes, childcare is expensive and I don't like the thought of it either, but then don't complain so much! The venom she spews about my mother is absolutely disgusting. Just today, my mother came over briefly to get something. She's completely broke and extremely depressed. These last few months have not been easy on her either. My brother is addicted to heroin and my sister is going through a messy divorce. Everything is just imploding at once and pwBPD has no sympathy or even respect for the fact that she's my mother and I might. "She did it to herself!" Of course, the fact that we are adding to her stress by freeloading is a forbidden topic. Rage ensues or she writes it off by saying, "She should care because her grandchildren live here."

As mentioned, I am ashamed that I am still reliant on my mother at this point in life. Even when I was working full-time, it wasn't enough, especially considering we have a few hundred each month in credit card bills that pwBPD has maxed out. At one point, she was even lying to my mother and telling her that she owed more money each month to pay off new windows we had installed in the house. Turns out, she was using the extra to pay off credit cards. She has so many that I can't even keep track of them all. As I was the only one bringing in money for most of our relationship, I had asked her many times to see what we were working with, so we could figure out a plan to pay them off eventually. I even spent the majority of my tax return this year on paying one off: some four grand. Still, she is afraid to show me. You see, if I have the slightest negative reaction to anything, that sets her off. She can scream at the top of her lungs, but if I so much as raise an eyebrow, her defenses go up and all hell breaks loose.

I could go on in detail and have put off posting for a while, because I wanted to have a "perfect" first post. This has just turned into a stream-of-consciousness deal though, so let me just get to some of the major things I have dealt with... .

Physical abuse: the last time was about a year ago. She was putting me down in the parking lot of a car dealership. She called me a "loser" out in the open so that at least one random person hear. I made the mistake of imitating her as her voice came out in a really immature sounding "valley girl" accent. At that, she hit me in the face with a bunch of keys in her hand. I went to work that day with a bloody cheek. There have been a handful of other instances over the years we've been together.

Suicide threats/attempts: Not long after we first started dating, she got into a dispute with her mother/sister and proceeded to systematically take more and more of her uncle's Xanax while drinking vodka. I was at home (about an hour away at the time) struggling to get something done on a college paper which my academic career greatly depended on. It upset her greatly that I promised to come visit in the "late afternoon" when she perceived my arrival as "early evening." She let me know what she was doing and I raced up the freeway faster than I have ever driven in my life. I stopped her from doing any more harm that day, but amazingly, she refused to give me any credit for some time after that. She instead said that her old friend/romantic interest who she was texting was the real hero.

At this point, she talks about suicide on a daily basis, even in front of D5. In fact, D5's behavior is often the trigger for her comments these days. That is probably a whole 'nother post. Needless to say, it's alarming and I know damage is being done to D5, who is just an amazing kid.

Other self-harm: There was a huge blowup when my sister came to visit a few years back and pwBPD "cut" her arms with her own nails, leaving noticeable scars. She's also banged her head against the wall repeatedly to the point of, in all likelihood, giving herself a concussion. Other than that, I guess you can count a frequent routine when things get heated: she takes the car and disappears for a while to sit in a parking lot and chain smoke (even after she's "quit" on and off for years).

Destructive Rages: Our walls are covered in holes (which she then patches over). Besides this, I've lost a few phones (as has she), our bedroom television, a humidifier, the passenger-side mirror on my car, my watch (she claims that ones an accident), her beloved grandmother's glass dish, the window to the side porch, the bathroom cabinet door, my spare car key, a bunch of CDs, books, the side porch door numerous times (which she keeps duct taping back together), and many other things I can't think of at the moment. The most recent notable item was a tv-dinner tray, which didn't have much value, but which D5 used often to eat on and also to draw on. When D5 saw what had been done, she burst into tears. I believe this is the incident which finally made pwBPD seek therapy.

Verbal abuse: Let's just say I've been called every name in the book. As mentioned, it's now spreading to D5, who seems to be acting out at home, but not at school. She's basically very hyper at home and also persistently disobedient. She'll completely ignore her mother and if her mother says something negative to her, she's cover up her ears, which brings on more rage. pwBPD is constantly asking "What's wrong with you?" and saying "This is why no other kids want to play with you" and also "your sister is going to grow up to hate you, just like mine do to me!" Every other word is the f-word, which is just tiresome at this point. I have tried in vain to broach this topic when D5 is not present and I've also intervened in the moment, which only shifts pwBPD's anger onto me, but better me than D5.

Anyway, there's so much more to tell, but I'll end it here for now. Thank you so much for reading if you've gotten this far... .or even if you just read a little. I'm sure this is nothing too hard to believe for many of you. I just want to close by saying that I am not a perfect partner or father. My own depression has contributed to quite a few shortcomings, which I will definitely share in future posts. At this point, I am trying to focus on self-improvement while hoping that pwBPD's therapy goes somewhere. I am not so confident in that though, as pwBPD has basically told me that she trashes me to the therapist regularly and even implied that her therapist said that I somehow manipulated her into being in this relationship. That left me flabbergasted and I'm still trying to wrap my head around it. I think for now I've decided to give this relationship a little longer--a few years or so--and I'll do everything I can to save it. I think often of us getting married one day and being a happy family, but I know that things cannot go on like this, and if they do, I am going to have to make a very difficult decision.   

[Dry Bones]

Hi, folks. I found this board after reading "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and have read a few topics thus far, as I have found it somewhat comforting to know that there are others out there going through what I currently am (although it's all quite unfortunate). My live-in gf of 7 years is imo undiagnosed BPD. She did recently start going to therapy and has been diagnosed with major depressive disorder--either way, her behavior matches what I've read about here and elsewhere quite closely. We have two wonderful children: D5 and D7mos (still getting used to the shorthand here--forgive me for any errors). I am getting really concerned, and quite frankly fed up, as the emotional and verbal abuse that pwBPD has directed at me for nearly our entire relationship is now also being directed at D5.

As pwBPD has finally seemed to realize that she has some sort of problem (previously I was the cause of all her behavior--even though I have heard from herself and others that it goes back to way before we ever met), I'm holding out hope for now. She is even on medication: Gabapentin, which she seems to like quite a bit (pops em like candy). I'm honestly not sure if it's working or not. While her rages haven't reached the peaks they have in the past, it hasn't at all stopped the outrageous verbal abuse she spouts. I lost my job back in May and my unemployment recently ran out, so that's put an extra load of stress on everything (and she now blames this fact for how she acts). We're currently getting by on a retirement fund I cashed out early. I have at least a couple of part-time prospects which seem like almost sure-bets and she just in the last couple of days started working for a mobile delivery service. So yeah, it's tough times, but I am confident they will pass. I know I need to get my butt in gear and apply for more jobs. The thing is, I have also struggled with depression for many years and the stress of having someone telling you that you're worthless all the time makes it really hard for me to then turn around and sell my abilities to a potential employer. My blood pressure is now indicative of stage II hypertension and I'm pretty sure that the stress of this relationship is a major factor. I'm only 35 years old!

Our living arrangement bears mentioning. Shamefully, we live rent-free in a house owned by my mother. She doesn't live with us--I can only imagine how that would play out. The place is small, but enough space for the time being. It wasn't at all maintained well before we moved in and that is a constant source of anger and anxiety for pwBPD. I'm not happy about things either, but I try be appreciative for what we have given the circumstances. When we moved in, we had agreed to pay the mortgage each month. My partner and I both found jobs, but lost them shortly thereafter. I ended up finishing up my BA and finding part-time, and eventually, full-time work. My partner has not worked since (until this latest thing at least) and I'd be lying if I said that I didn't resent it somewhat. Especially since before D5 was conceived we talked about things and she said that she was going to find a job soon even if she was pregnant. Yes, childcare is expensive and I don't like the thought of it either, but then don't complain so much! The venom she spews about my mother is absolutely disgusting. Just today, my mother came over briefly to get something. She's completely broke and extremely depressed. These last few months have not been easy on her either. My brother is addicted to heroin and my sister is going through a messy divorce. Everything is just imploding at once and pwBPD has no sympathy or even respect for the fact that she's my mother and I might. "She did it to herself!" Of course, the fact that we are adding to her stress by freeloading is a forbidden topic. Rage ensues or she writes it off by saying, "She should care because her grandchildren live here."

As mentioned, I am ashamed that I am still reliant on my mother at this point in life. Even when I was working full-time, it wasn't enough, especially considering we have a few hundred each month in credit card bills that pwBPD has maxed out. At one point, she was even lying to my mother and telling her that she owed more money each month to pay off new windows we had installed in the house. Turns out, she was using the extra to pay off credit cards. She has so many that I can't even keep track of them all. As I was the only one bringing in money for most of our relationship, I had asked her many times to see what we were working with, so we could figure out a plan to pay them off eventually. I even spent the majority of my tax return this year on paying one off: some four grand. Still, she is afraid to show me. You see, if I have the slightest negative reaction to anything, that sets her off. She can scream at the top of her lungs, but if I so much as raise an eyebrow, her defenses go up and all hell breaks loose.

I could go on in detail and have put off posting for a while, because I wanted to have a "perfect" first post. This has just turned into a stream-of-consciousness deal though, so let me just get to some of the major things I have dealt with... .

Physical abuse: the last time was about a year ago. She was putting me down in the parking lot of a car dealership. She called me a "loser" out in the open so that at least one random person hear. I made the mistake of imitating her as her voice came out in a really immature sounding "valley girl" accent. At that, she hit me in the face with a bunch of keys in her hand. I went to work that day with a bloody cheek. There have been a handful of other instances over the years we've been together.

Suicide threats/attempts: Not long after we first started dating, she got into a dispute with her mother/sister and proceeded to systematically take more and more of her uncle's Xanax while drinking vodka. I was at home (about an hour away at the time) struggling to get something done on a college paper which my academic career greatly depended on. It upset her greatly that I promised to come visit in the "late afternoon" when she perceived my arrival as "early evening." She let me know what she was doing and I raced up the freeway faster than I have ever driven in my life. I stopped her from doing any more harm that day, but amazingly, she refused to give me any credit for some time after that. She instead said that her old friend/romantic interest who she was texting was the real hero.

At this point, she talks about suicide on a daily basis, even in front of D5. In fact, D5's behavior is often the trigger for her comments these days. That is probably a whole 'nother post. Needless to say, it's alarming and I know damage is being done to D5, who is just an amazing kid.

Other self-harm: There was a huge blowup when my sister came to visit a few years back and pwBPD "cut" her arms with her own nails, leaving noticeable scars. She's also banged her head against the wall repeatedly to the point of, in all likelihood, giving herself a concussion. Other than that, I guess you can count a frequent routine when things get heated: she takes the car and disappears for a while to sit in a parking lot and chain smoke (even after she's "quit" on and off for years).

Destructive Rages: Our walls are covered in holes (which she then patches over). Besides this, I've lost a few phones (as has she), our bedroom television, a humidifier, the passenger-side mirror on my car, my watch (she claims that ones an accident), her beloved grandmother's glass dish, the window to the side porch, the bathroom cabinet door, my spare car key, a bunch of CDs, books, the side porch door numerous times (which she keeps duct taping back together), and many other things I can't think of at the moment. The most recent notable item was a tv-dinner tray, which didn't have much value, but which D5 used often to eat on and also to draw on. When D5 saw what had been done, she burst into tears. I believe this is the incident which finally made pwBPD seek therapy.

Verbal abuse: Let's just say I've been called every name in the book. As mentioned, it's now spreading to D5, who seems to be acting out at home, but not at school. She's basically very hyper at home and also persistently disobedient. She'll completely ignore her mother and if her mother says something negative to her, she's cover up her ears, which brings on more rage. pwBPD is constantly asking "What's wrong with you?" and saying "This is why no other kids want to play with you" and also "your sister is going to grow up to hate you, just like mine do to me!" Every other word is the f-word, which is just tiresome at this point. I have tried in vain to broach this topic when D5 is not present and I've also intervened in the moment, which only shifts pwBPD's anger onto me, but better me than D5.

Anyway, there's so much more to tell, but I'll end it here for now. Thank you so much for reading if you've gotten this far... .or even if you just read a little. I'm sure this is nothing too hard to believe for many of you. I just want to close by saying that I am not a perfect partner or father. My own depression has contributed to quite a few shortcomings, which I will definitely share in future posts. At this point, I am trying to focus on self-improvement while hoping that pwBPD's therapy goes somewhere. I am not so confident in that though, as pwBPD has basically told me that she trashes me to the therapist regularly and even implied that her therapist said that I somehow manipulated her into being in this relationship. That left me flabbergasted and I'm still trying to wrap my head around it. I think for now I've decided to give this relationship a little longer--a few years or so--and I'll do everything I can to save it. I think often of us getting married one day and being a happy family, but I know that things cannot go on like this, and if they do, I am going to have to make a very difficult decision.   

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Radcliff]

Dry Bones, that's a heavy load you're under.  We're glad you've found us.  I'm sorry you've got all of that going on at once.  Am I understanding correctly that you're both home with your children most of the time now?  How many hours a week is your partner working for the mobile delivery service?  Is D5 in kindergarten yet?

RC

[once removed]

hi Dry Bones, i want to join Radcliff and say

and wow. you are dealing with a lot. i am glad you reached out; this must be extremely stressful for you. things can get better.

you mentioned that the last incident of physical abuse was about a year ago and that there were some prior to that. what happened, what was their nature? have there been any other suicidal threats?

if there is a silver lining, it is that your partner has, to some extent, realized there is a problem, and sought therapy. how long has she been in it, and do you know what kind of therapy?

im wondering also, if you are/have been able to see a therapist of your own. depression can be so debilitating, and with the stress youre under, it can be hard to know which way is up.  

[Dry Bones]

Dry Bones, that's a heavy load you're under.  We're glad you've found us.  I'm sorry you've got all of that going on at once.  Am I understanding correctly that you're both home with your children most of the time now?  How many hours a week is your partner working for the mobile delivery service?  Is D5 in kindergarten yet?

RC

Hi Radcliff! Thank you for the warm welcome and for replying to my post. Yes, we are both home most of the time these days. D5 is in full-day kindergarten and seems to be doing quite well over all. We just went to the first parent teacher conference and there don't seem to be any major behavioral issues. The teacher only said that the class as a whole are "chatty" which I can only imagine in a class of over 20 kids.

The stress of being together all the time is something we've gone through before. Still, I don't believe it's at the heart of the problem. When I was working full-time, there was a tendency for her to be very caring and sweet when I was at work and we would message each other. Evenings and weekends were a whole different story. We would argue, she would rage, and many times run off to smoke and sit in a parking lot.

This delivery job she has now only started within the last 4 days. It's a flexible type deal where she can choose to take jobs as they come in. The other day she was out for a good 5-6 hrs, but today will be less as there are some Thanksgiving preparations to make and also her mother is stopping by. The job seems to really make her happy, so I support it, and I certainly won't complain about the extra money. My only concern is our vehicle being run into the ground. For now, though, in these trying times, the immediate need of money usurps that

hi Dry Bones, i want to join Radcliff and say

and wow. you are dealing with a lot. i am glad you reached out; this must be extremely stressful for you. things can get better.

you mentioned that the last incident of physical abuse was about a year ago and that there were some prior to that. what happened, what was their nature? have there been any other suicidal threats?

if there is a silver lining, it is that your partner has, to some extent, realized there is a problem, and sought therapy. how long has she been in it, and do you know what kind of therapy?

im wondering also, if you are/have been able to see a therapist of your own. depression can be so debilitating, and with the stress youre under, it can be hard to know which way is up. 

Hi, once removed, and thank you as well. Things have been pretty rough but I am glad I found this place as well. As for my own depression, I have an appointment next week to be evaluated. Thing is, it's at the same place as my pwBPD. Not many options around us since our health insurance is via government assistance. They say that we won't see the same people or discuss us to one another, but I still feel like I'm kinda walking into hostile territory. You see, I made the grievous mistake of telling my partner that I thought she might have BPD. This is before I read Eggshells and realized that it was a big no-no. She didn't take it well at the time, needless to say, but eventually conceded that the symptoms did match. She has since recanted, however, explaing her behavior as either the diagnosed depression or a premenstrual disorder. She has stated that the head of psychiatry at this place stated that my suggesting BPD was very damaging. I don't disagree with him knowing what I do now, but I am now apprehensive to show my face in that place.

I am unsure of the details of her therapy, as I try not to pry too much, even though she shares with me alot (sometimes positive and sometimes in a weaponizing manner). One of my concerns is that her T is not all that experienced and in fact is still doing it as an internship leading up to her degree. I am skeptical but I like that she has taken the initiative to get some type of help, so I don't want to discourage her even if I don't feel like it is helpful.

I will continue in a second post. On my phone and don't want to accidentally lose all of this... .

[once removed]

She has stated that the head of psychiatry at this place stated that my suggesting BPD was very damaging. I don't disagree with him knowing what I do now, but I am now apprehensive to show my face in that place.

there are a lot of tricks of the trade when it comes to the therapeutic relationship. therapists, psychiatrists, know to validate their patients to build trust, and will present a patients side of things back to them in a way that sounds reasonable. and in spite of what is actually said, the patient may hear what they want to hear. they generally wont take sides in a way that polarizes conflict, but they will make their patient feel/know that they are "on their side" in terms of support.

so the head of psychiatry may have said precisely that, or his words may have been more nuanced. hard to say. i would be very surprised if they had it in for you.

I like that she has taken the initiative to get some type of help, so I don't want to
discourage her even if I don't feel like it is helpful.

yes. its a real step.

did i read it right that shes working now?

[Dry Bones]

Thanks again for the reply, once removed. To answer your question, yes she has started this delivery job as of a few days ago and it seems to be going very well.

Good to know about the different methods the therapist may use to kind of level with the patient. As of now, I still plan on going in for an evaluation. It seems like only talk therapy for the time being, as they aren't taking new patients on the psychiatric side. Shame, as I think some meds would help me (I have been on antidepressants in years past). Just today, I've been having heart palpitations from all the stress.

She says that my mother is no longer invited to our (actually my mother's) house for Thanksgiving. Things are tense, as I mentioned my mother is completely broke. Well, the reason for that is she is stuck in a codependent relationship with my brother, who is addicted to heroin, meth, and who knows what else. My brother ran into some trouble with the law and landed himself in jail this past July. Against everyone's advice, my mother bailed him out. He had promised to go into rehab but checked out after only a few days (he's been in and out of rehab for going on 20 years). In a matter of 2 months, my mother blew through the entire inheritance my grandfather left her when he passed last year. We're talking nearly $200,000 on bail, lawyers, flights, hotels, rehabs, and of course, drug money.

So we needed money for oil heat in the house and of course it's my job to hit up mom for the money. Always a feel-good moment at this age. Of course, she is broke so the reaction wasn't good and this sparked my pwBPD to launch into a tirade of how she doesn't care about us. The whole situation is messed up beyond belief. I'm basically trying to detach and accept that my mother (and pwBPD) are who they are and that the best I can do is help myself mentally, financially, and plan to move our family out of the house as soon as it is feasible.

Going back to what was asked previously, there have been a few other instances of physical abuse... .usually provoked by my saying something in the midst of a fight (I try to avoid that now haha). A couple of times, she basically rushed me and I guess tried to claw or choke me. It's kind of a blur now honestly. She's thrown things at me: a bowl of Mac and cheese, an egg and cheese breakfast sandwich (you'd think I'd learn to fear cheese at this point haha). The latter she claimed wasn't aimed at me and when I exclaimed "How dare you?" there went my CDs and spare car key as well. This was shortly after she walloped me with the keys. Her father had been recently diagnosed with terminal camcer, so it was not a happy time.

Another time, I had come home late from going out to drinks/dinner with friends. I told her that my friend's parents had shown up and wanted to go to a different place for dinner. My pwBPD had driven me and was going to pick me up, but once she learned we were hopping locations, she refused. This is despite the second restaurant being closer to our house. I waited outside for a long time until my friend finally offered to drive me home. When I got in, pwBPD overturned a large DVD rack from Ikea, sending me to the floor covered in movies. She then threw at me a video game she had gotten me for Christmas.

I should wrap this up, but yeah, there have been more suicide threats over the years as well. She's brandished a knife on two occasions. The first time I ended up calling the police and they took her to the hospital. She's walked out saying she was going to jump in front of traffic. She talks about it daily now. Just this afternoon, D5 was playing a game with us. Guess something that begins with the letter S. pwBPD says "suicide." I'm disgusted and just heartbroken that D5 has to hear that type of talk and so often.

Sorry for the long post. Just had to get some of this off my chest.

[stolencrumbs]

Hi Dry Bones, sorry you're having to deal with all of this. I can only partly imagine how difficult it is. My uBPDw shares a lot of the same characteristics. She's been making almost daily suicide threats, of varying degrees of seriousness, for about a year now. You and I could have a contest over who has broken more things in the house. Just last week, it was a vacuum cleaner, the last of our dishes, and an exterior window. And self harm and verbal abuse. Yes and yes. And some physical abuse--pushing, choking, throwing things at me, etc. It's hard to handle in the best of circumstances, and you have a number of other things that I imagine make it even more challenging.

One thing I know my wife is very good at is picking out the things that I already feel self-conscious or shame about, and blaming those things for how she feels. I suspect she knows this is a more effective way to get me to take on some of the blame, and I went down that road for a long time. I mean, she was pointing out things that I genuinely believed to be problems that were largely, or at least partly, my fault. So she taps into that and then adds all of her emotions on top of it. But as soon as I fixed one thing, it would be another, and then another, and so on. It took a long time--and honestly I'm still not fully there--to accept the first of the three C's. You didn't cause it. Sure, we all mess up, and we can all be better people, spouses, sons, daughters, parents, etc. There are always things to work on and improve on. But I didn't cause my wife's inability to regulate her emotions. The things she complains about or blames it on aren't the real causes. I guess I sense in your posts that you feel some responsibility for the way things are, and maybe you fall into the same trap I fall into of extending what you are responsible for to include the way she feels. And again, we all have some responsibility for things, but I'd suggest trying to fight the tendency us nons seem to have to accept responsibility for her emotions.

Hang in there and be sure to take care of yourself. (And if I'm off base with this, please ignore!)

[SlothMaiden]

Hi Dry Bones,

Reading your story and I have nothing to say but hang in there! Sounds like you have got a lot to process and go through. It's hard enough with strong minded people but it is a lot harder for people like us who have our own depressions or other mental illnesses. So I hope you take care of yourself and your D5 a lot so you will have better ground to cope with your wife's behaviors.

[Dry Bones]

Stolencrumbs, you are absolutely on point. I'm sorry to hear that you are going through a similar ordeal. I am trying more and  more not to blame myself. It's tough  because , as you mentioned, BPs often hit on that grain of truth. I am not where I want to be in life, but it's been a difficult  journey and I am still moving forward. Thank you for your kind thoughts.

Many thanks for the words of support, SlothMaiden. If anything, it gives me a bit more motivation to really work on myself. I basically have to in order to survive. Still, the pressure to handle everything in a perfect way lest I get lambasted is a challenge. I just keep telling myself that I'm doing my best while reflecting on how I could go about improving our interactions. I'm just really worried as D5 is already showing symptoms and I wonder if she may eventually be diagnosed. We'll cross that bridge when we get there I suppose. For now, she is at school and D7mos actually went down for a nap so time to appreciate the quiet!

[once removed]

Shame, as I think some meds would help me (I have been on antidepressants in years past). Just today, I've been having heart palpitations from all the stress.

there are some supplements that can be great alternatives and are relatively inexpensive. i used sam-e (alternatives to sam-e include 5htp and st johns wort) for depression, and aswagandha (helps your body adapt to stress).

both did wonders, but dont listen to this stranger on the internet, do read up.

i hope that something gives (for the better) for you tomorrow... .keep us posted.

[Dry Bones]

there are some supplements that can be great alternatives and are relatively inexpensive. i used sam-e (alternatives to sam-e include 5htp and st johns wort) for depression, and aswagandha (helps your body adapt to stress).

both did wonders, but dont listen to this stranger on the internet, do read up.

i hope that something gives (for the better) for you tomorrow... .keep us posted.

Thanks again, once removed. I have tried St. John's wort in the past. It's been so long, though, I barely remember if it had any effect for me. The plan this weeks is to join a gym down the street I've been to in the past. Exercise always makes me feel better, and if anything, it's a place to escape to if my pwBPD starts to dysregulate and name-call/excessively criticize.

These last few days have been hit/miss, but overall not terrible. No talk of suicide that I can recall, surprisingly. Mom ended up coming for Thanksgiving after all, but not without incident. The night before, pwBPD got extremely agitated in the middle of the night tending to D7mos. I had been with the little baby for practically the whole day beforehand and was worn out. I can tell when a dysregulation is happening, as pwBPD starts to mutter things to herself and let out big sighs. Of course, the baby can sense this and, in turn, it makes it harder for her to go to sleep without a fuss. I could have handled things better and perhaps discussed my exhaustion with pwBPD beforehand. Admittedly, she does cover more nights than I do, although I've been working to really step it up over the past few weeks. Anyway, I said that I was with her for 12 hours straight that day and pwBPD went off on me, insulting me, calling me names, now adding into the mix that she makes more money with her deliveries than I did (will) in my part-time job. Oh yes, now I remember how it all started. D5 was sleeping in our room while we slept on the couch with D7mos in a little swing that she seems to love. D5 woke up from a nightmare and this also woke up D7mos. I got up and when I told pwBPD that I was going to check on D5 and not get D7mos back to sleep, that triggered it. After a while of being called names, I grabbed my pillow and told her that I was going to sleep in our room, to which pwBPD made some horrendous comments about "sleeping with a little girl." Ugh.

pwBPD continued to talk loudly for a while from the other room, and of course, this gets D5 to turn on me, saying "Daddy didn't even comfort me, he's just laying here." She was right, but I was flustered by all the venom being spewed at me from a room over.

Well, this led to me not getting up on time to defrost the turkey early enough. I was able to spring into action eventually and made a couple runs to the grocery store, so that Thanksgiving would happen. Mom came over in the afternoon, but was largely distracted, with my brother (the one with the addiction problem and headed to jail soon) blowing up her phone every couple of minutes. The cooking process ran so late my mother eventually just had to leave and agreed to come back for lunch the next day (which she did). Honestly, at that point, it was depressing but also somewhat of a relief. Turkey finally got cooked and we began to make plates around 10pm. So, pwBPD says to me, "Just use the same spoon for all the sides." Seeing as there was only one spoon left in the drawer, I proceeded to do just that. pwBPD then flies off the handle, saying, "I was only kidding! I didn't think you'd be stupid enough to actually do it!" D7mos then woke up and pwBPD gets even more frustrated saying, "Of course, now that I'm about to eat, she wakes up."

At this point, I made the mistake of JADEing, saying that she should say what she means and that if she hadn't been yelling at me, our daughter wouldn't have woken up. I'm learning, but I messed up here. This triggers a further dysregulation, and pwBPD is now bringing up all sorts of unrelated things to criticize me about as well. I proceeded to eat my food in the kitchen while pwBPD tended to D7mos in the living room. After a few minutes, she was able to get the baby back to sleep, and had calmed herself down. Something that I'm struggling with is how quickly a person with BPD can just act like everything is normal and ignore that they were making all sorts of outrageous accusations just moments before. I just rolled with it and complimented her on the food.

So that was Thanksgiving. Things were somewhat uneventful yesterday, as I've been trying to use SET when I sense that pwBPD is "getting into that mode." It really seems to work, although I still have a little trouble coming up with the right words and not saying things that I don't really mean. For instance, about the night tirade, I said something to the effect of, "If I felt that way, I would've reacted the same." Well, no, no I wouldn't have. But little by little, hopefully I will get a better hang of these techniques.

Thanks for reading!

[Dry Bones]

Just want to check in and say thanks again for those lending their words of wisdom. It's been very helpful reading the replies here as well as the stories of and advice to others. I hope that in time I might become half as insightful as some of you on here.

I'm up late with anxiety as my mom called me earlier. First of all, that always gets my heart racing nowadays as I'm expecting every call to be news that my brother (B32) OD'd for the final time. But no, tonight was that my dad was coming back from visiting his side of the family and was "forcing" my mom to pick him up at the train station about an hour away from their home. My mom has to take the highway, which gives her panic attacks at night. I'm on D7mos night duty tonight, so there's not much I can do and I just wish that my mom would tell him off. His mental illness runs deep and he's been very emotionally abusive to her as of late. I offered to pay for a shuttle from the airport rather than train/car but he shot that down when my mom tried to talk to him just now. Honestly, I am peeved at both of them, as one of them (almost definitely my mom) let it be known to my brother that uBPDgf has been violent with me. Naturally, B32 threw this in my face when I tried reaching out to him recently, and basically stated I deserve it and he hopes it continues. Ice cold. As always, it's the drugs talking, but where do the drugs end and the human begin?

Things have been "normal" around the house over the last couple of days. Normal being lots if screaming and "F-bombs" thrown around at D5 followed by completely calm behavior moments later. I slept upstairs in D5's room last night (D5 was in our bed downstairs and uBPDgf on the couch next to the baby in her swing). I offered to handle D7mos overnight if uBPDgf would sleep in our bed, but she refused. D7mos woke up pretty darn fussy and I could sense uBPDgf getting agitated, so I let her know I was going up. It's weird I know but I was otherwise laying there with my heart racing and teeth cleaned clenched waiting for the next verbal attack. Tomorrow, D5 gets back in the habit of sleeping in her own bed. She was in a good routine at one point, but that has been thrown all out of whack lately.

Today, wasn't terrible, despite some BPD freak-outs when a couple of stressful situations arose. The gf is doing well with her delivery jobs but I can see it playing into her impulsive tendencies a bit and that being a challenge. She just wants to take everything and if she can't, her mood quickly turns sour. Today, she missed out on a few lucrative opportunities and was understandably upset. I was waiting for her to find a way to overtly blame me, but she stopped just short of it. Would have been tough anyway as I had encouraged her to take any work earlier and had even delayed my plans to go out to get some of my own job applying work done so I could stay home and watch baby girl. Otherwise, I attempted some communication on my boundaries and how I plan on continuing to leave any situation where I am being verbally ripped to shreds. She didn't respond well, but dropped the topic quickly, which is sometimes the most I can ask for. Before bed, she said that she didn't mean to imply a perverse situation the other night with D5 when I brought up how hurtful that comment was. I even got a kiss goodnight, which is not a given these days (and that is a mutual choice many times).

The rollercoaster continues on. I would like to have a more clear discussion about boundaries soon, but I really need to think about them a bit more first. And I really need to work on my own productivity and job search much more... .as well as my physical health. I think I am still in the "Learn everything you can about BPD" phase, but hopefully I can continue to learn while also focusing more on myself simultaneously.

If you've read this far, thank you so much. Take care of yourselves!

[Dry Bones]

Double post of above with a few corrections and additions. My apologies for the sloppiness. It's late and my only source of energy atm is anxiety, which is thankfully subsiding

Just want to check in and say thanks again for those lending their words of wisdom. It's been very helpful reading the replies here as well as the stories of and advice to others. I hope that in time I might become half as insightful as some of you on here.

I'm up late with anxiety as my mom called me earlier. First of all, that always gets my heart racing nowadays as I'm expecting every call to be news that my brother (B32) OD'd for the final time. But no, tonight was that my dad was coming back from visiting his side of the family and was "forcing" my mom to pick him up at the train station about an hour away from their home. My mom has to take the highway, which gives her panic attacks at night. I'm on D7mos night duty tonight, so there's not much I can do and I just wish that my mom would tell him off. His mental illness runs deep and he's been very emotionally abusive to her as of late. I offered to pay for a shuttle from the airport rather than train/car but he shot that down when my mom tried to talk to him just now. Honestly, I am peeved at both of them, as one of them (almost definitely my mom) let it be known to my brother that uBPDgf has been violent with me. Naturally, B32 threw this in my face when I tried reaching out to him recently, and basically stated I deserve it and he hopes it continues. Ice cold. As always, it's the drugs talking, but where do the drugs end and the human begin? I see this as a betrayal of trust on the part of whoever told him and I take particular exception, as I do not identify myself as a victim.

Things have been "normal" around the house over the last couple of days. Normal being lots of screaming and "F-bombs" thrown around at D5 followed by completely calm behavior moments later. I slept upstairs in D5's room last night (D5 was in our bed downstairs and uBPDgf on the couch next to the baby in her swing). I offered to handle D7mos overnight if uBPDgf would sleep in our bed, but she refused. D7mos woke up pretty darn fussy and I could sense uBPDgf getting agitated, so I let her know I was going up. It's weird I know but I was otherwise laying there with my heart racing and teeth clenched waiting for the next verbal attack. Tomorrow, D5 gets back in the habit of sleeping in her own bed. She was in a good routine at one point, but that has been thrown all out of whack lately.

Today, wasn't terrible, despite some BPD freak-outs when a couple of stressful situations arose. The gf is doing well with her delivery jobs but I can see it playing into her impulsive tendencies a bit and that being a challenge. She just wants to take everything and if she can't, her mood quickly turns sour. Today, she missed out on a few lucrative opportunities and was understandably upset. I was waiting for her to find a way to overtly blame me, but she stopped just short of it. Would have been tough anyway as I had encouraged her to take any work earlier and had even delayed my plans to go out to get some of my own job applying work done so I could stay home and watch baby girl. Otherwise, I attempted some communication on my boundaries and how I plan on continuing to leave any situation where I am being verbally ripped to shreds. She didn't respond well, but dropped the topic quickly, which is sometimes the most I can ask for. Before bed, she said that she didn't mean to imply a perverse situation the other night with D5 when I brought up how hurtful that comment was. I even got a kiss goodnight, which is not a given these days (and that is a mutual choice many times).

The rollercoaster continues on. I would like to have a more clear discussion about boundaries soon, but I really need to think about them a bit more first. And I really need to work on my own productivity and job search much more... .as well as my physical health. I think I am still in the "Learn everything you can about BPD" phase, but hopefully I can continue to learn while also focusing more on myself simultaneously.

If you've read this far, thank you so much. Take care of yourselves!

[stolencrumbs]

Hey Dry Bones,
Your Thanksgiving story reminds me of many holidays with my wife. Not necessarily the specific details, but just the stress that surrounds them.

I preface everything I say with the disclaimer that I am far from being an expert on any of this. It seems like you're making some positive changes with how you communicate, and that can make a big difference. One thing you might think about is the need to communicate your boundaries. It is definitely important to figure out what those boundaries are, and which boundaries you are willing to stick to. I'm not sure communicating those boundaries is as important as just acting on them. I spent a long time trying to talk to my wife about boundaries. This never went well. If your gf is like my wife, she is not going to accept those boundaries. You're not likely to have a conversation where she understands the boundaries, agrees that they are reasonable, and respects your decision to act on them. What you can do is act on those boundaries that you set. If one of them is leaving the room when the verbal abuse starts, then just leave the room when the verbal abuse starts. You can let her know that you're going to leave the room, and if she asks later why you left, you can state your boundary. But I think it's more important to act on them (consistently) than to communicate them effectively. Or, to put it another way, acting on them is the best way to communicate them. They're going to get tested no matter what. So I'd suggest spending time figuring out which boundaries are the most important and which ones you are, right now, able to enforce, and start thinking through how you will stick to the boundaries if (or, more likely, when) things escalate. Maybe start small. When I started setting boundaries, I started with not having a conversation that started after midnight. There were a thousand other boundaries that were more important, but this was one I thought I could stick to. And I did. If she started a late conversation, I would announce that I was tired and was going to bed. And then I went to bed. After a while, she quit trying to start conversations after midnight. It  was a tiny victory, but was good practice at setting boundaries. It's hard stuff, and change won't happen overnight. Stick with it. Take care of yourself. Set boundaries that help you take care of yourself.

[once removed]

well, i was going to say that the holidays can certainly add stress, and that i was glad that was past  

Before bed, she said that she didn't mean to imply a perverse situation the other night with D5 when I brought up how hurtful that comment was. I even got a kiss goodnight, which is not a given these days (and that is a mutual choice many times).

its a pretty hard comment to make up for, but it helps.

i think starting to remove yourself/take a time out when she lays it on heaviest is a good approach, if not to begin to communicate what is out of bounds and draw some lines, but to give you space; it was also wise to communicate it ahead of time. have you needed to do it yet? sometimes, people with traits of this disorder will respond by upping the ante with the bait and button pushing, even follow you around with it.

For instance, about the night tirade, I said something to the effect of, "If I felt that way, I would've reacted the same." Well, no, no I wouldn't have. But little by little, hopefully I will get a better hang of these techniques.

its a start... .no, you definitely dont want to validate the invalid, but believe me, it could have been worse. the communication techniques can be so awkward and unnatural to get the hang of. its kinda like, i learned how to write essays in elementary and middle school, and i get to high school and theres this whole new format i have to follow, and i hated it, and i did pretty poorly with it for a while. similar to a new language, too. eventually, you become fluent and natural at it, and in some ways, i find when i use it, i really distill what i want to say, and do so authentically and sincerely, even more so than i might if i were just letting it fly. as a tip, practice them with everyone with every opportunity. youll find that all of these skills work with everyone.

awful lot of stress in your life man but im pulling for you, and there is hope. did you make it to the gym?

[Dry Bones]

Hey there once removed and stolencrumbs. Many thanks for the advice and sorry for taking so long to write back. Been trying my best to get through this past week. All in all, it hasn't been as bad as some, but there have definitely been moments each day where I have had difficulties with both my own health (a couple panic attacks) and with my uBPDgf's behavior.

I finally signed up for the gym yesterday and did a good 45 minutes of walking, since that is all I feel I can handle at the moment. The plan is to continue on for a couple of weeks and then get back into some weightlifting, which I do enjoy.

I also had my first session with a therapist. I think it went fairly well. There is a lot to go over with my history and I may have rambled a bit. But I think I can continue on with this person at least for the time being and see how it goes. Unfortunately, she only has time for every other week at the moment. She is contacting the folks on the psychiatric side, however, so I may be able to get some meds eventually to help lift me out of this depression and ease my anxiety.

Things are getting more tense at home, though. uBPDgf has been taking almost every delivery she can get, leaving me home with the kids alot. I love being with them, but it has been somewhat exhausting and has left me little time to further my own job hunt. On Friday, she was out pretty much the whole day, spontaneously taking jobs as they came in. Fine by me, as we need the money. My only beef was the lack of communication. She'd say she was on her way home and the hours would go by and she would either text to say she had taken more jobs or I would have to call and check that she was alright. She says that she is afraid to tell me when she is taking another job because of how I will react. Mind you, I have made it a point to be nothing but supportive of her working. When she came home Friday, I was tired and hungry. I had kept the baby up later expecting her to be home any moment, so that she could see her before she went to sleep. When I had to call her to see what was up, I admittedly got a bit irritated that she didn't let me know sooner. I didn't say anything that night, though, as I remembered some good advice on not having a conversation when tired and/or hungry. To uBPDgf's credit, she picked up my choice of dinner on the way home. This was thrown in my face today in the midst of a deregulation. She was upset saying she works to spend money on food for me. Granted, I eat in as much as I can and, but our fridge isn't too stocked now that the Thanksgiving leftovers are gone.

Yesterday, she took the kids and went down to visit her mom and nieces, who live with her mom. It was a much needed day to myself and I was hoping to get a few things done and also relax a bit. Naturally, getting them out the door became stressful and uBPDgf started to lose it as the minutes ticked by. I admittedly added to her stress by saying things to rush them along a couple of times. I had a lot I wanted to do (search and apply for jobs, go to the gym, cook a healthy breakfast, and more). My partner did not react well. She started getting mean and even accused me of planning to have someone over! She knows I have basically no friends, so this really irritated me. I just said that I wasn't going to respond to such an accusation rather than JADE.

So in the time I had to myself, I took a long shower, cooked some breakfast (a minor disaster requiring cleanup) looked for work online for a while, signed up for the gym and walked, got some beer and a barbeque dinner and watched a little TV before they came home. I also tidied up the living room a bit, folded laundry, and did dishes/unloading and loading the dishwasher. I drank two beers as I worked and ate. I think this is a reasonable day, although I am disappointed I did not get more done on the job front.

To be continued... .

[Dry Bones]

Continued from above:

As I predicted, this day of mine did not make my uBPDgf very happy. Granted, she left angry at me and returned saying she was going to take a couple of deliveries. Fine, I can get the girls to sleep, haven't seen them all day, but she has it in her head that I am going to react negatively. These "predictions" of hers have been a running phenomenon throughout our relationship. She proceeds to question me on what I got done and I tell her. She then blasts me for spending money on food and beer. I already felt guilty, but the barbeque is something a rarely eat, as she doesn't like it (dead cow as she yells at me about it) and I have been subsisting mostly on fast food and the little we have around the house. The beer as well, I haven't been drinking lately, but things have been so stressful, I figured one or two to relax at night wouldn't hurt. I told her I know money is tight but that I treated myself. She fires back that I "always" treat myself. She even looks at the computer screen and says, "I see you even paid extra to have it delivered!" That simply wasn't true and I pointed out to her that it clearly said "for pickup." She sees what she wants to see.

She also was not happy about how I loaded the dishwasher (as I expected, but as stated, breakfast got a bit messy and I didn't want her to come home late to a sink full of dishes). I told her that I prewashed them but realized she would likely need to shuffle things around a bit before running. She says that all I did was give her more work, which just isn't true, as I did all the prewashing, storing away the previous load, and etc. Mind you, she also has a cold and is looking for sympathy at the same time as she is criticizing me. Again, I am not perfect and honest really struggling. She can turn around and act normal on the drop of a dime when moments before she was screaming curses or muttering bitterly. I was mostly quiet when she got home late at night after her deliveries. She got pissed off when the movie that had just started on TV (a horror film) had sex... .another regular point of contention with her. I basically ignored the comments and told her I was going to bed and that she could switch the channel. She then goes, "Why are you punishing me?" I think this is something she got from her therapy, as she doesn't seem to think her provocations should have any effect in my mood.

She truly sees herself as a victim. Alot of this has to do with her ex husband being physically and emotionally abusive, but from some of her family's comments, it goes back even further. This is a big reason why I think she probably has BPD, as she seems to have been neglected somewhat by her parents as a child. I know she fears being alone, as she has stated as much during bouts of sobbing after a rage... .although at this point, she has the kids, so she may be getting ready to discard me.

Anyway, I looked after the baby last night so that she could get a good night's sleep. She's out on another delivery now and has texted me. She seems to have calmed down again.

Arrghhh, this got so long. Sorry again for rambling on. Thanks to any readers and even more thanks for any support/advice/helpful criticism.

[Radcliff]

Congratulations on starting with therapy and with a gym!  These are great steps!

When we're exhausted and under a full load, it's hard to handle a dysregulated pwBPD.  Often our responses can make things worse.  I can't remember if we've talked about validation yet.  Is that familiar?  I get the sense that when she goes off the deep end, you may be reacting the way I did at first, just shutting her out.  Am I on target at all?  I think validation could help you.  To learn more about validation, take a look at this excellent page on how to validate and avoid being invalidating.  What do you think?

RC

[Dry Bones]

Congratulations on starting with therapy and with a gym!  These are great steps!

When we're exhausted and under a full load, it's hard to handle a dysregulated pwBPD.  Often our responses can make things worse.  I can't remember if we've talked about validation yet.  Is that familiar?  I get the sense that when she goes off the deep end, you may be reacting the way I did at first, just shutting her out.  Am I on target at all?  I think validation could help you.  To learn more about validation, take a look at this excellent page on how to validate and avoid being invalidating.  What do you think?

RC

Hi Radcliff. Thanks for the encouraging words. To address your post, you are correct that much of the time I am just shutting it out. I have been working in some validation to some success, but I would definitely benefit from reading that article and refining my skills more. It's difficult for me to think of things spur of the momet, especially when it's just harsh rapid fire criticism and name calling. Generally, I have been agreeing with her as much as possible, letting her know I understand that she feels a certain way, and stating that I want to work together and help however I can.

She came home just now, and while we were off to a good start (I made an effort to be cheerful and sympathetic towards her cold), I believe I erred in thinking I could talk about the things which upset her yesterday. I guess I did a delayed JADE. This triggered her once again and she went back on the war path. I am selfish and don't have to answer to anyone. Well, no, I am trying to take back a little bit of my life. Mind you, pretty much everything I did (go to the gym, get barbeque and beer), I let her know I was going to do. Other things, like clean up and do the dishes, I did partially because I felt it was right (I like  a clean house and if I make a mess in the kitchen, I should clean it up) but also because I had anxiety regarding how she would react upon her  return. She had even left saying that she bet the house would still be a mess when she got  back. My loading the dishwasher "completely wrong" made her  furious. She says I am just like my addict brother because I signed up for the 30 dollar a month gym and need to have the best of everything. This is vs the 20/mo chain gym. The gym I chose is a local place, a little run down, but no hidden fees and you don't have to jump through hoops to can cancel. It is also less crowded and has better hours. As far as I am concerned, the price is a wash, but I didn't argue. I told her I understand she is worried about money. She knows I am going to start my part time job in about a month and I even applied to one place that she practically demanded I apply to.

Eventually, she shifted gears to yelling at D5. I had told her I was going to the gym for about an hour this afternoon. Apparently, this ruins her plans to decorate for Christmas. uBPDgf started yelling that nobody cares about her (in harsher language) and that she was working so that she could save her money and leave us all. I guess this includes D7mos who has been crawling around, clapping her hands, and generally just acted adorable through all this.

I'm venting. Thank you for the reminder to validate, though, Radcliff. I think I was actually able to defuse things for now after reading your post and putting it into practice. I'm gonna go to the gym and hopefully we can do some Christmas decorations after.

[Radcliff]

Hang in there.  Your mention of you going to the gym for an hour "completely ruining" her plans to decorate brought back memories.  I seemed to be able to ruin her whole day by 9am.  I'm sorry you are coping with that.

The key here is to balance giving to her (validation, empathy, compassion) and giving to and taking care of yourself (boundaries, limiting exposure to nasty talk, gym time, etc.).  You'll want to try to raise your game in both areas at the same time.  If you can, you hopefully will see a reduction in conflict and wear and tear on you.

Coping with a lot of venting and distortions goes with the territory.  Are you clear in your own mind on when the things she says get bad enough that they are abusive (name calling, etc.)?  Do you know when you'd like to be able to walk away to take a break?  Do you?

RC

[once removed]

man. tension is pretty high.

im wondering, how are things romantically?

times are really hard on you both. you need each other. are there ways you can connect? opportunities to encourage her, offer support (i know you mentioned youre supporting her working), make her efforts feel noticed and appreciated? rather than berate you for barbecue, she might (hopefully) return that. i know you have young ones, and a baby, is there any opportunity for the two of you to enjoy time out or time in together?

[Dry Bones]

Hang in there.  Your mention of you going to the gym for an hour "completely ruining" her plans to decorate brought back memories.  I seemed to be able to ruin her whole day by 9am.  I'm sorry you are coping with that.

The key here is to balance giving to her (validation, empathy, compassion) and giving to and taking care of yourself (boundaries, limiting exposure to nasty talk, gym time, etc.).  You'll want to try to raise your game in both areas at the same time.  If you can, you hopefully will see a reduction in conflict and wear and tear on you.

Coping with a lot of venting and distortions goes with the territory.  Are you clear in your own mind on when the things she says get bad enough that they are abusive (name calling, etc.)?  Do you know when you'd like to be able to walk away to take a break?  Do you?

RC

Hey Radcliff, thanks for the reply. It's been another busy week with the kids and I wanted to set aside some time to properly respond. uBPDgf is at her therapy now and the D7mos is napping, so I have a few minutes of alone time. I hear what you're saying about balance. I've been working on that, but it's been difficult lately, especially with the stress of me not working. It seems like my whole day is centered around her and she prefers to do most things herself, since she views me as incompetent. I wake up and am immediately on baby duty as she gets D5 ready for school. She then either begins to take deliveries, which could pop up at any time, again leaving me on baby duty. Or she has a doctor appointment or some other reason to go out (usually shopping) and I am left home with the baby. It's getting cold now, and when I was completely worn down and asked that she take D7mos with her to pick up D5 at school, she made a big deal out of it.

I don't want to complain or make excuses, as I enjoy my fatherly duties, but it is exhausting (especially as D7mos is crawling now) and I am not good at focusing on multiple things at once. For instance, I have found one job that I have been meaning to apply for, but I have had a great deal of trouble getting both the time and focus in order to modify my resume and type out a cover letter. This is something I know I need to focus on with myself, as I've long struggled with procrastination--it's not all uBPDgf's fault. Still, if I try to share my feelings with uBPDgf, she will say something like, "I know you hate the children," which of course could not be further from the truth. It's just really hard to have an adult conversation without my words getting twisted in some way of triggering a dysregulation.

On boundaries, and this kind of goes back to what stolencrumbs said previously as well, I have attempted to establish some. With she goes into the rapid-fire criticism and name-calling, I let her know that if she continues on, that I will leave for a little bit. I have on several occassions, twice taking D5 with me (D5 was begging to come along since the dysregulations have been upsetting her more lately as well). Usually, I will go for a walk nearby and once D5 and I went out for breakfast. I have told uBPDgf that that is what I intend to do from now on. I said this not in the midst of a pure rage, but not during a calm time either--we were going back and forth a bit. She said something like, "I know you're gonna run away just like you do with everything." Something to that effect at least and then she dropped it. So I know she heard me, although I am not sure if she fully comprehends my reasoning.

It's harder to up and leave when it goes down in the middle of the night, but I have gone to sleep in a different room a few times. But yes, I do realize when it becomes verbal abuse. I haven't been walking out every time she says something, as then I'd probably never be home! But when she begins to work herself up into a real bash-session, I have been excusing myself. I've also said things to the effect of, "Let's talk about this later when we've both been able to calm down a bit."

man. tension is pretty high.

im wondering, how are things romantically?

times are really hard on you both. you need each other. are there ways you can connect? opportunities to encourage her, offer support (i know you mentioned youre supporting her working), make her efforts feel noticed and appreciated? rather than berate you for barbecue, she might (hopefully) return that. i know you have young ones, and a baby, is there any opportunity for the two of you to enjoy time out or time in together?

Hey, once removed. Romantically, things are pretty cool at the moment. We had a brief spark maybe a couple of months back, but that was quickly extinguished as she ramped up the verbal abuse when money started getting tighter. Our time together alone is usually for an hour or so at night watching a television program. I know she values this, so I usually try to stay up and watch something with her even if I'm not really in the mood or if she comes home late from a delivery, as she's been doing lately.

But yeah, it hasn't been good lately and I have had a hard time even thinking of her in that way these days. It's pretty hard when she tells me that she wishes I would just drop dead and that everyone would be better off if I did. Add into the fact that D5 gets scared upstairs in her own room, so has been sleeping on our bed while we're on the couch, and that makes intimacy nigh impossible. That needs to change.

[Dry Bones]

I wasn't quite done yet, once removed. Blasted solicitor banging on the door woke up D7mos, but I know that both uBPDgf and I recognize the importance of romance. We were sleeping together in the same bed those couple months back. Now, the night time routine isn't as smooth, since her deliveries could come in at any time. That's a big priority for me, getting the family back into healthy sleep habits. We keep saying we're gonna do it, but then D5 asks to sleep downstairs for "just one more night" and neither of us have had the energy to argue or deal with constantly being called up there.

We are looking forward to going to a concert in just over a week and staying over in a hotel. This is a rare thing for us and has potential for some good romantic bonding. I just hope our babysitter (mom) doesn't have some type of last second emergency, which with my brother getting out of jail that week, is a distinct possibility.

[Zakade]

Dry Bones,

I read your original post and started to wonder if you were copying me.    Just Kidding.  But a few things hit home for me that you are experiencing.  My wife has said similar things to my kids throughout the years (Please hug them and tell them you love 'em all the time).  I have directed the anger toward myself in order to "protect" my kids from her rage.  I have high blood pressure and anxiety.  And I can relate to the catch 22 you feel with needing a job but not feeling worthy to sell yourself to an employer but really wanting to work and provide for the family. 

You have a ton of problems but they can't all be solved at the same time.  You seem to know that you need to work on yourself and that's a great place to start.  I would recommend getting yourself well first.  I would consider getting the blood pressure and the anxiety/depression under control.  I know that money is tight but these could go a long way to feeling like you are not in the dumps.  I am on blood pressure meds and I take Citalopram for anxiety/depression.  The depression meds take a while to start working and then talking with your doctor is important to get the right dose.  I'm not a doctor so I can't really say more than that but it has helped me to clear my head of all the things that I worried about in the past that I shouldn't need to be worried about.

Then find the next thing that is small and you DO have control over and fix that.  It's a long road but this is all we can do to get better for ourselves. 

Zakade

[Dry Bones]

Dry Bones,

I read your original post and started to wonder if you were copying me.    Just Kidding.  But a few things hit home for me that you are experiencing.  My wife has said similar things to my kids throughout the years (Please hug them and tell them you love 'em all the time).  I have directed the anger toward myself in order to "protect" my kids from her rage.  I have high blood pressure and anxiety.  And I can relate to the catch 22 you feel with needing a job but not feeling worthy to sell yourself to an employer but really wanting to work and provide for the family. 

You have a ton of problems but they can't all be solved at the same time.  You seem to know that you need to work on yourself and that's a great place to start.  I would recommend getting yourself well first.  I would consider getting the blood pressure and the anxiety/depression under control.  I know that money is tight but these could go a long way to feeling like you are not in the dumps.  I am on blood pressure meds and I take Citalopram for anxiety/depression.  The depression meds take a while to start working and then talking with your doctor is important to get the right dose.  I'm not a doctor so I can't really say more than that but it has helped me to clear my head of all the things that I worried about in the past that I shouldn't need to be worried about.

Then find the next thing that is small and you DO have control over and fix that.  It's a long road but this is all we can do to get better for ourselves. 

Zakade

Hey there, Zakade. Thanks for reaching out. Yeah, I'm realizing the more time I spend on these boards how similar many of the patterns are. And how similar the effects can be on those of us who have/had a loved one with BPD. I'm sorry to hear about your own struggles, but I'm glad you've found this board to help take some of the pressure off.

I wholeheartedly agree with taking things one step at a time. Honestly, if I were to tackle everything at once, I would be completely overwhelmed and fail miserably. That's why I have started seeing a therapist and had a full physical a couple of months back. I'm using diet and exercise to try and bring down the blood pressure for now. I very much need to drop a few pounds, although it's going to be tough with the holidays right around the corner, so I am now telling myself, "Just focus on not gaining any more weight until January, and then ramp it up and try to lose a lb or 2 per week" I started going to the gym over the weekend, but then immediately caught a nasty cold (from my uBPDgf), so that's sapped my motivation over the last couple of days.

I definitely let D5 (and D7mos) know that I love them every day--you're right, that's especially important in our situation. I feel like my uBPDgf splits D5 on a frequent basis. When she behaves, she's everything. uBPDgf has her as her profile pic on social media most of the time. She talks about how smart and polite she is. She buys her toys every time they go out together. But more and more as D5 misbehaves, uBPDgf proceeds to devalue her rather than take the necessary parental steps to correct her behavior. Just a couple of days ago, there was a major dysregulation because D5 ran out of money at her school's holiday store and didn't buy gifts for uBPDgf's mother or D7mos. But she did buy my mom a "grandma" necklace. This was like the ultimate trigger to uBPDgf, as my mom is the object of a large percentage of her negative thoughts. uBPDgf flipped out and called D5 a name which a kindergartner should just not have directed towards them by a parent... .in my opinion at least. I make it a point to never bash uBPDgf to D5, but I have had to explain a couple of times that uBPDgf is seeing a doctor and taking medicine to help her stop acting that way.

[Radcliff]

It sounds like you're on target with excusing yourself from the situation when the verbal abuse gets too bad.  Your care for D5's emotional needs sounds spot on as well.  With D5 and D7mo. I can certainly understand why you'd have trouble focusing on resume work!  Any chance you could plan to get your mom to cover the kids for a bit while you go elsewhere to bang that out?

How does your partner respond to validation? 

RC

[once removed]

the two of you are pretty stressed, and dont have a lot of time together... .the concert sounds hopeful, though.

build up to it. look for little chances to whisper sweet nothings, or to say something supportive, or to compliment her, or flirt with her... .to just connect with her, really.

you might want to have a backup plan in case your mom gets overwhelmed last minute, too.