Should I reach out?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I’m not sure if this is the right forum, admins please move this thread if appropriate.

I met a new girl, and I’ve been looking for red flags, there are several. I’m suspecting she’s not BPD, but has Asperger’s. From what I understand, one can often look like the other. The main reason I don’t think she’s BPD, is that she hasn’t been mirroring me. If anything, she’s been argumentative and disagreeable. Initially, it was more like playful banter/flirting.

I’ve only seen her 4 times, twice in a group setting, twice just the 2 of us. The last time we went out, she was cold and distant. The next couple of days, I asked her out twice. She declined the first time, and hasn’t even responded to the second time. I’m conflicted as to whether I should reach out to her again at all. If she was normal and healthy (she isn’t), or she was BPD, it’s obvious that I shouldn’t. However, I strongly suspect she has Asperger’s, in which case I don’t know…

My last text to her was sent 1 week ago. I know she’s returning today from a business trip. The Thanksgiving holiday is in a few days. Should I just wait until next week to reach out, if at all?

[jukeboxhero]

I’m not sure if this is the right forum, admins please move this thread if appropriate.

I met a new girl, and I’ve been looking for red flags, there are several. I’m suspecting she’s not BPD, but has Asperger’s. From what I understand, one can often look like the other. The main reason I don’t think she’s BPD, is that she hasn’t been mirroring me. If anything, she’s been argumentative and disagreeable. Initially, it was more like playful banter/flirting.

I’ve only seen her 4 times, twice in a group setting, twice just the 2 of us. The last time we went out, she was cold and distant. The next couple of days, I asked her out twice. She declined the first time, and hasn’t even responded to the second time. I’m conflicted as to whether I should reach out to her again at all. If she was normal and healthy (she isn’t), or she was BPD, it’s obvious that I shouldn’t. However, I strongly suspect she has Asperger’s, in which case I don’t know…

My last text to her was sent 1 week ago. I know she’s returning today from a business trip. The Thanksgiving holiday is in a few days. Should I just wait until next week to reach out, if at all?

[Insom]

Hi, jukeboxhero.   

What, if any, indicators of interest have you received? 

[jukeboxhero]

Well, we met in a group setting. My friend was more interested in her than I was. I thought she was interested in me though, by certain looks and conversations that night. My friend exchanged numbers with her to hangout. The next day, he messaged me that she wanted my number. After relaying it, she messaged me and we began texting. She told me, “you said some things last night that piqued my curiosity” and that I “have a familiar presence about you”. (I’m not sure if this is an indicator of interest or a red flag, or both).

I asked her out and we had a nice time together. During dinner, she mentioned how well we had clicked. The following day was Halloween, I invited her to join me and some friends for an event. We had a great time. We were teasing and flirting with each other alot. While walking back to our vehicles, she took my arm in hers, but then scolded me for keeping it limp. She texted me that night asking me to let her know when I got home safely. (I had a single drink, which is rare for me.) She said she had fun. Now, She’s really into the Meyers-Briggs personality classifications, but won’t tell me hers, for some reason. I’m INFJ, so I teased her about being worried about me getting home, so she must have the “Feeling” trait too. She responded, “I’m just sensitive to yours.”

Now, she didn’t really want to get together again, until about 1.5 weeks later. That date didn’t go very well. She was cold, distant, didn’t talk very much. I got her to laugh and smile a few times though. Conversation was difficult, so I tried the "36 questions" to get to know someone.

Here was the low point of the evening: The first question is just, "If you could have anyone as a dinner guest, who would it be?" She said an old elementary teacher she used to have... .then she started crying. She shed a few tears then said, "Do you think it bothers me that I cried in front of you? Well, it doesn't."

So, yeah... .there's more details that I've left out, but that's the gist of it.

[Turkish]

You threw the ball into her court. Whether or not she's BPD or an Aspie, you did.  Even if she is neither of those,  what is the emotional risk to you to reach out again? She might not be either BPD or Asperger's. She might just want to be pursued.  If so,  how do you feel about that?

[jukeboxhero]

what is the emotional risk to you to reach out again? She might not be either BPD or Asperger's. She might just want to be pursued.  If so,  how do you feel about that?

I risk making things worse, if she doesn't want to hear from me. I could push her away further, possibly make her angry with me. I'd feel rejected and ashamed. Everytime I've tried to pursue a woman when she's distant, the situation ends up getting worse. I've never been interested in a woman who actually wants to be pursued, but then I'm self-sabotaging, so... .

[Insom]

I’ve been looking for red flags, there are several. I’m suspecting she’s not BPD, but has Asperger’s. From what I understand, one can often look like the other. The main reason I don’t think she’s BPD, is that she hasn’t been mirroring me. If anything, she’s been argumentative and disagreeable.

FWIW, already this doesn't sound like an easy relationship.  Aside from the fact that she initiated contact by reaching out via your friend, what is the draw?  Do you know what you want in general out of a romantic relationship?

[jukeboxhero]

Besides the last time we saw each other, she's been alot of fun to be around. She has a great sense of humor. The conversations are intellectually stimulating. I know that I want comfort and companionship out of a relationship.

[Insom]

I know that I want comfort and companionship out of a relationship.

Do you see potential for this with her?

[jukeboxhero]

Maybe, I don't know yet. I've been trying not to jump to conclusions or make assumptions. I haven't been succeeding at that.

[Insom]

Maybe, I don't know yet. I've been trying not to jump to conclusions or make assumptions.

It sounds like you're still sorting your thoughts/feeling unsure.   How do you feel about sitting with this for a few more days before reaching out again, or not?

[jukeboxhero]

I think I'll wait until after the Thanksgiving holiday and weekend. It's probably best to wait until any stress from family dynamics is over with. Not just mine, but her's also.

[jukeboxhero]

Well, I messaged her a couple days after Thanksgiving. I simply asked how she was doing, if she had a nice Thanksgiving, and said how I spent the holiday. No response.

It appears I've been ghosted. I don't know why she responded to the first message after our last date. I'm not sure why she would lose interest so quickly, when she was so interested to begin with. I keep wanting to blame myself, for something I did wrong... .I have no idea what though.

I almost miss putting up with a pwBPD, at least I know what I'm dealing with. Speaking of which, my ex texted me on Thanksgiving. I had given her a Christmas ornament last year when we were still on good terms, and she took the opportunity to setup her Christmas tree and send me a picture. I haven't responded. She didn't even ask any questions, so no real reason to respond.

[Turkish]

Are you ghosting your ex?

[jukeboxhero]

No, we were supposed to get together the weekend before halloween for an event. She flaked on me hours before via text. I responded, asking if I could call her. She never responded. I went to the event anyway with friends, ended up meeting this new girl. Now, she texts me out of the blue on Thanksgiving, about her Christmas tree.

[Turkish]

Ah. Then I wouldn't blame you.  I might do the same.  Unless you wanted to step into the "I contacted you and you never answered me so why are you contacting me now?" Too much drama. 

[Insom]

 You know a person is complicated when they inspire you to "miss putting up with BPD."

I don't know why she responded to the first message after our last date. I'm not sure why she would lose interest so quickly, when she was so interested to begin with. I keep wanting to blame myself, for something I did wrong... .I have no idea what though.

How do you feel about not knowing?  Can that be OK?

[jukeboxhero]

Ah. Then I wouldn't blame you.  I might do the same.  Unless you wanted to step into the "I contacted you and you never answered me so why are you contacting me now?" Too much drama. 

Yeah, and she's pulled so many stunts at this point, we are so far away from anything near good terms.

How do you feel about not knowing?  Can that be OK?

I'll be ok, we only saw each other a few times, so it's not like there was time for any real feelings to develop. There could be any number of reasons why she stopped communicating. Maybe the dating stuff was overwhelming for her. Maybe she's too embarrassed by her behavior on the last date. Maybe there's another guy in the picture. There's also the contributing factor of my friends. The one friend who initially exchanged numbers with her, and another friend messaged with her via instagram, so it's possible one of them contributed to this.

[jukeboxhero]

Update – She responded to my Thanksgiving text. Over 2 weeks of no contact. Her response was… odd. She said she had just gotten back that morning. Apparently she had traveled for the holiday, but didn’t take her phone? She said she was glad I had spent time with family, and she had hoped that I would. Sounds very warm and caring of her. She didn’t really say anything about how she spent the holiday though I had asked. I just responded that it was great to hear from her, and suggested we meetup for lunch during the week. We work 15 minutes away from each other, it should be easy to meetup. No response for the past couple days…

I neglected to mention before that she has physical health issues. I don’t know the details, but she has chronic pain and is lethargic. This must be a contributing factor to her behavior.