Husband still feels unloved

[eggshellfiancee]

I've written before about my husbands seeming inability to feel loved and I'm still struggling.

We are currently living apart due to him losing his job and needing to relocate to get a new one before I was able to leave mine. I could have left early but we both knew I needed to continue earning my salary in the meantime because a move is going to require a pay cut for the type of work I do. I'm living rent free as well which helps. All of this was a mutual decision. We both knew that it would be hard to be apart but that it was ultimately good for us financially to take this temporary separation.

I've tried really hard to check in with him constantly, to be a supportive wife while he looks for work. I've connected him with potential employers. I've gone over his resume with him step by step and helped him identify his strenghts. But he's still saying I've been unsupportive, and now he turns every little slight into me being a "trash wife who he wishes he'd never been desperate enough to marry."

I admit to having screwed up this time - I have always wanted to take the train ride from the town we live to the town we are moving to, and this migth be my last chance, but it would mean arriving into town (where he already is), in the evening of our anniversary rather than spending the day together. I suggested it, expecting we could do something that night and the following day, but said I would totally understand if he didn't like that plan. I shouldn't have suggested it honestly, but it's been a downward spiral ever since.

Even when I admit to being absent (which I don't beleive I am but I'm just trying to appease him because saying otherwise only makes it worse), he responds with "why," and it's an impossible question to answer. I'm then accused of "fighting" him and being selfish. It seems like an impossible situation.

he said he needed more contact, more support, so for the last week I've been checking in with him multiple times per day via text, calling whenever I get a chance. I tried to call last night and he was asleep. He texted me later that he had a test to take this morning and that he had been asleep when I called. I sent him a text first thing this morning telling him how much I love him and wishing him luck. He resopnded "thank you, I love you too" but not half an hour later he was blowing up again. Telling me how much he hated me and that if I had been a good wife I would have scheduld a time to call him to discuss all the ways I'm going to start seeing things from his perspective, and that I've stolen the first year of his marriage from him and he resents me for it and will always hate me for it (this is a regular refrain).

The thing is, once he comes out of this he will be so swet and telling me what a great wife I am and trying to make it up to me. Then next time he gets into a low point I'll trigger something and we will be back here again.

I don't want to leave him, I love him very much, and I feel like I'm giving him everything I have, but is my entire life going to be a cycle of ups and downs like this if I stay? I don't know what else to do. I'm so lost.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Ozzie101]

My uBPDh is much the same as yours. We're not living apart and we don't have the job search stress, but he has been going through a stressful time. He frequently blames his stress on me and how I'm not being helpful or not doing enough to reduce his stress. I offer to help in every way I can but there are some things I can't or won't do and that's what gets him.

He'll blame everything on me. Then, when his mood changes, he tells me how much he loves me and how much he appreciates all I do.

He also accuses me of not loving him. That one comes up a lot and no amount of talking can convince him otherwise. Someone on this board or in the book Stop Walking on Eggshells basically said that a pwBPD is like a bottomless pit where love is concerned. There's no way to really satisfy them. That's a very frustrating, difficult position for loved ones to be in -- painful to be accused of those things when we know it's not true. But I'm learning to deal with it.

Anyway, like you, I struggle with the knowledge that this could be a lifetime thing. I still don't know how I feel about that and if I can handle it. But, for now, I'm committed to trying whatever I can to make it better and more bearable -- without losing myself. There are tools here.

[isilme]

We're not living apart and we don't have the job search stress, but he has been going through a stressful time. He frequently blames his stress on me and how I'm not being helpful or not doing enough to reduce his stress. I offer to help in every way I can but there are some things I can't or won't do and that's what gets him.

He'll blame everything on me. Then, when his mood changes, he tells me how much he loves me and how much he appreciates all I do.

Same here.  I am in the stage of being the cause of all stress for him.  Or, the verbal whipping boy for all things that displease him.  It's the holidays, his health, the weather makes him hurt horribly, making all things doom and gloom, and it is exhausting me.  I feel I get no break, no support when I need it.  And a period of dysregulation is a hard time to try to work on getting him to listen at all. 

All I can say is that you're not alone, and to remember that they are emotionally disabled, and they see us as stronger, better able to manage their emotions somehow.  So, they dump them off on us, and it's mostly subconscious.  Like an animal in a trap, they know they hurt, and so lash out at the person closest, no matter that they are trying to help.

[eggshellfiancee]

100% I am THE source of his problems. I am THE reason he lost his job. I am the reason we're in this predicament. I am the reason he feels unloved. I am the reason he is angry. I am the reasons he is broke. All me.

[Ozzie101]

Yep, sounds familiar. I remember my husband's first real rage. He was yelling, pulling his hair, screaming. He threw a set of nesting tables (twice), broke a couple of glasses in the kitchen and broke a ceramic platter that was a wedding gift from a now-deceased close family friend ("I never liked that anyway," he said later -- and said he didn't know and didn't want to know who gave it to us). In that rage, one repeated phrase was "This is YOUR FAULT!"

At that time, I believed it. Now I know he's sick and I know it's not me. Small consolation, in a way, but it's made me feel better and stronger repeating it to myself. It's not me. It's not my fault. It's the monster inside him.

[eggshellfiancee]

I just got off the phone with him and he is in full rage. He threatened to divorce me, again.

He's said and done many of the exact things you've described - broken things, told me it was my fault etc.

I keep repeating to myself that it isn't my fault, that it's his pain, which helps to feel better in the moment, but at the end of the day it doesn't make it any better. Even when he's in a good place I avoid addressing these topics because I know he will fly off the handle again.

In our phone call just now he kept pointing out that I KNEW how much getting married meant to him since he didn't have any real love in his life, and that I've just taken his love for granted and left him lonely. he asked me to give examples of times I've given him love and it's gone unrecognized and I froze and couldn't think of any - of course now I'm off the phone and I can think of several, but that doesn't count in the moment.

I feel like I've dug myself into a hole with him that I can't get out of. like he's never going to see how much I love him becuase he's so blinded to it and I haven't been able to open his eyes because I don't know the right things to say or do.

[Ozzie101]

I'm so sorry. This is an awful position to be in. I've been there -- right down to the "Name some times you were actually there for me" type demand and freezing in response.

When he's in a good mood, I still feel uneasy and scared, knowing the slightest thing could set him off again.

He's mentioned divorce a lot, though it's become less intense lately. Not saying "I want a divorce" but saying "Do you want a divorce?" Subtle difference, but important. He seems more afraid that I'll leave now than he is threatening to leave.

The thing is, when he first started his rages and threatening divorce, I was terrified and guilt-stricken, sure it was my fault and horrified at the idea of losing him. After several months, though, I've come to realize that while I love him and do NOT want to lose him, if I did, I would be OK. I have family and friends. I have self-respect. I can have a life. That has given me more confidence and more a sense of calm when dealing with him. Maybe he's picking up on that some and that's why he's been backing off on the divorce talk.

[Chosen]

100% I am THE source of his problems. I am THE reason he lost his job. I am the reason we're in this predicament. I am the reason he feels unloved. I am the reason he is angry. I am the reasons he is broke. All me.

Yep.  Sounds familiar.  uBPDh constantly says I have ruined his life, he has given up everything for ME, and because I'm such a trash wife I make him lose all expectations in marriage.  He also says I don't love him, because "if you love somebody you don't xyz". 

Don't have much solutions for you, but want you to know you're not alone.

[SlothMaiden]

Hi eggshellfiancee,

Not sure how long have you been married but I really feel for you! It is difficult to deal with SO like this and it's draining us. My exBPDbf always blamed me for everything too and we were just in a relationship for 3 weeks!

From what I read, seems like your husband needs more validations. And his fear of abandonment is in full swing right now especially that you're living apart (just like my case, we are in different countries). And I understand how hurt you feel about this whole "you never love me" thing so it's hard to process right now with all the fights.

One thing I know for sure is that you'll never get the actual facts into his head. He has his own set of facts and he will repeat that over and over. You will need to just listen and not invalidate his facts or feelings.

So what's your next step you're planning to take?

[Panda39]

Hi All,

Who is truly responsible for how we feel?  Who truly controls how we feel?  Where does happiness come from?

I love to share the tools from this site, I'd like to share a few and I apologize if I share something you've already seen. I think what many of you are describing could be projection or blame shifting and I think Slothmaiden is right Validation would be a good tool here.

The Dos & Don'ts in a BPD Relationship... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62266.0

Projection... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=70931.0

Stop Accusations & Blaming... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=87204.0

FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) or emotional blackmail... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

More on Validation... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=81442.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=124001.0

I hope I've shared something that is helpful,

Take Care,
Panda39