Apparently, I didn't learn

[PianoDood]

I'm not even sure where to start.   It's a complicated situation that would take 50 pages to explain.  In January,  I was discarded by my uBPD wife.  After 5 months of being ignored by her and being told it's over and move on, I finally did that.   And I obviously haven't learned.   In August,  I contacted her and she responded.   Her response was contentious.   But, we ended up trying to work it out again.   But it became clear that she was not truly moving forward,  was hiding our relationship from her family and not talking about what was required for us to be under the same roof and having a life together. And when pressed,  she began the devaluation and the discard started again.   On my birthday,  November 11th, we spent the day together and visited with my mom and family.   She told me I was a loving husband and made love to me.   The next day,  she was short,  cold and distant.   Then two days after my birthday,  she stopped communicating with me and used my reaction to it as justification for sharing me again.   For 5 days I tried to get her to respond and tell me the truth.   She has painted me black,  calling me a douchebag,  telling me she doesn't want to pursue our relationship anymore, she doesn't love me like I love her and our love isn't mutual,  that she can't be with me,  said she's miserable because I put pressure on her to move forward and she is stressed out.   And all she could say to me was,  "oh well,  I'm sorry.   Things happen. "  Once again,  I've been absolutely shattered.   It's destroyed me all over again and she has discarded me in this fashion again while blaming me and making me out to be something I'm not.  After a week of being in a vegetative state,  I finally ate something today and I start a new job tomorrow.   All I can do is get myself up, not let this destroy me a bed move forward.   I have changed my life to move to this woman.   I have no family here.   Basically just her.  So I feel literally betrayed that she has done this again I feel stupid for believing it would turn out differently this time and destroyed by having to repeat this gut wrenching grieving process again.   What awful things to hear from someone you live with all off your heart 4 days after making love to me.  I have to get back up and move on.  Have no choice.   But this seems to destroy me more deeply everytime.  What an awful thing to hear from someone that you love with all of your heart... ."Oh well, I'm sorry.   Things happen. I don't love you the way you love me."

[Mustbeabetterway]

PianoDood,

I'm sorry that you are going through such a horribly hurtful time.  It's good that you are reaching out.  You know that you can find support in this community.

This is all so recent.  Keep posting and let us know how we can best help you.  Hang in there.

Mustbeabetterway

[Turkish]

I got the communications that it was done, so coldly.

One of my friends, who knew my ex well, said, "that's how she thinks: relationships end." Of course they do and can,  but why like this?

I couldn't fathom how quickly it turned,  and 6 years later I still can't fathom it. 

[PianoDood]

I am trying to remind myself that this isn't about me, it's about her. Keep trying to remind myself that the harsh words and the name calling are all apart of her illness and the devaluation. The fact that she has done this again does not surprise me since she has done it repeatedly over the course of our 12 year relationship. But that doesn't make it any easier. And, I'm trying to fight the guilt of even trying with her again because I blame myself for allowing it. And she has gone into ghost mode. Telling me to stop communicating with her, not responding to me, not taking my calls, completely cut me off again. Regardless of what she chooses to do, I simply cannot do this anymore because it destroys me each time she does it. I've basically been bedridden for almost a week since she discarded. I didn't eat for 5 days. I'm still not sleeping regularly and I have to get up and function at my job. It's absolute hell. One thing I keep trying to tell myself is that she just does not love me. As hard of a fact that is to swallow, I have no choice but to face those facts. Her actions show exactly how she feels about me. You cannot possibly love someone that you constantly walk away from or discard. And to do it in such an awful manner and completely cut the person off without treating them like a human being. She announced that she didn't want to pursue the relationship anymore by text. No face-to-face conversation, no phone conversation. Just impersonal text. Her mode of hiding.  It's extremely damaging mentally and emotionally to think that someone you love with all of your heart could just discard you like you mean nothing to them suddenly, with such cruelty. Being discarded is hard enough, but being blamed for the discard and demeaned just adds insult to injury. Makes one feel worthless.

[Insom]

Oh, PianoDood!   Hugs.    I hear you're feeling low right now and can relate to how miserable it feels to detach from someone you love with BPD.

I am trying to remind myself that this isn't about me, it's about her. Keep trying to remind myself that the harsh words and the name calling are all apart of her illness and the devaluation. The fact that she has done this again does not surprise me since she has done it repeatedly over the course of our 12 year relationship. But that doesn't make it any easier.

These are good observations.  You're right.  This isn't easy.

And, I'm trying to fight the guilt of even trying with her again because I blame myself for allowing it.

It's not unusual for those of us who get into these situations to blame ourselves.  Would you say feeling responsible is a general characteristic of yours? 

It's extremely damaging mentally and emotionally to think that someone you love with all of your heart could just discard you like you mean nothing to them suddenly, with such cruelty. Being discarded is hard enough, but being blamed for the discard and demeaned just adds insult to injury. Makes one feel worthless.

It sounds like you're struggling with basic self care right now like eating and sleeping which I know can make things feel worse.  Have you been able to eat anything yet today?

[DogMan75]

Dood.

Once again, it is amazing just how much overlapping experience so many of us have had. So much of your story sound so familiar.

It sounds to me like you’re thinking about it the right way, though. It really isn’t about you at all, it really is about her illness. It’s hard to find much consolation in that when you’re still feeling it so freshly. That gutted feeling, the inability to eat, I hear you, man. You can understand it intellectually all day, it just takes a lot of painful, drawn out, miserable time for that brain chemistry to run itself out, though. At least where you are is as bad as it gets -it only gets (slowly) better from here.

If it makes you feel any better, the reason she only wants to text you is because your presence is too overwhelming any other way. It’s not that you don’t matter enough for a face to face conversation, it’s that you are too much for her. You trigger fears of envelopment. Note that she ghosted after some pretty intense reconnecting. You’re feeling betrayed that she could bail in spite of that reconnect, when in fact the bail is very likely the direct result of that reconnect, as at least a contributing factor if not directly causal.

Sometimes it’s hard to do, but try to keep remembering that she has a mental illness. She isn’t raving or hallucinating, but she is still profoundly damaged. In a couple of years, you’ll be fine. Five years out, it won’t bother you at all. Ten years out, you’ll have a hard time understanding why you put up with what you did. 20 years from now, she will likely still be mentally ill. You will be ok. She probably won’t.

When I was with my ex and she’d fly into a rage and she was lashing out, I used to think of it as her having an “emotional seizure”. It wasn’t really her driving at that point, it was her base reptile brain hate suddenly gaining access to her words. It made it much easier for me to dismiss what she was saying. It got to the point where if she was in that state, I took what she said to me literally 0% personally. The devaluation she’s subjecting you to is, you’re right, not about you. It’s to make it easier for her to let go. She needs to. She can’t, really, handle the truth. For her to be able to tolerate the situation, she has to twist the facts to make you the problem.

They’re messed up people, man. They are most compelled to destroy the relationships with those people who they love, and who love them, the most. It’s really tragic, for everybody involved. At least we only have to go through this the once (oh dear god please), for them, these are their entire lives, over and over again like a bad dream.

[PianoDood]

Insom,
Yes,  I consider myself a very responsible person.   I have flaws like everyone,  but I strive to take responsibility, especially in our relationship.   Problem is, she rarely took responsibility for her verbal tirades or hurtful actions.   I can count on one hand the number of times she's actually apologized to me in 12 years.   That's a lot of built up pain and resentment.  Usually,  every issue was deflected or flat out ignored.  I mean,  I would ask her questions and would be aghast that she literally would not even acknowledge i asked it, if it was something she didn't want to answer or address.   Then,  if i continued to ask,  then,  i was a "record player"  repeating the same things.  No answers,  ever.   And trying to have a productive,  adult conversation about something she had said or done?  Nearly impossible.   Those conversations turned into what I call "pinball machine" conversations wherein I was the steel ball.  And every discard was manufactured... .she does something she knows hurts me
... .I react in a human way,  upset... .and she uses my reaction as her justification to cut me off and run.   

[PianoDood]

And yes,  I did eat my first full meal in 10 days today.   Trying to force myself back on my feet.   The sleep?  I may have to temporarily assist my sleep with a sleep aid.   It's absolutely hell all over again.

[once removed]

it seems trite, but the benefits of eating and sleeping cant be overstated. i didnt eat either, and it made everything so much worse, id have regular crying jags and felt incredibly weak. my sleep schedule flipped upside down too, and being awake at those hours made me feel really isolated, made it hard to see anyone or do anything.

at the same time, the smallest things can feel like moving mountains when we are depressed. what about seeing a doctor and/or therapist?

[PianoDood]

Once removed. 
Yes, the lack of appetite and sleep compounds the problem.   But,  as sad as it sounds, I was too incapacitated to really do either.   But,  I have repurposed myself to take back control of myself,  my life and my future.   It's all I can do.   As for counseling,  I don't have the resources for counseling.   Wish I did.   I do have good friends who have great understanding.   And the have been talking me through it.

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi again, PianoDood, glad you are taking control of yourself and your path to healing.  After 10 months, I am finally beginning to sleep well (mostly) and I have lost weight because I just haven't been that interested in food.  But, I am regaining my zest for living.  It takes time.  I still find myself getting very hungry and everything feels more bleak without adequte fuel for the body.  So I try to eat on a schedule and have developed a routine for getting to sleep - bath, sleepy time tea... .Exercise and breathing exercises have been a lifesaver.  Sometimes, I find myself holding my breath.  We have to breathe! 

Best to you and let us hear how you are doing.  What's your friends' take on what has happened?

Mustbeabetterway