Are they really aware what damage they do to us?

[Depression = 72% of members]

My health has deteriorated in this past month since breakup with no closure. Now have a throat infection. Feels appropriate because I don't seem able to find my voice to say anything or write anything down as everything seems upside down, inside out etc.

Anytime I have a communication from the xSOwuBPD... .my health takes a nose dive. She seems to get a kick of sticking the boot in... .like zero compassion. Seems to be behaving like I was the one who did the breaking up... not the other way around.

So my question is: are they really aware of the damage they inflict? Or are they oblivious as they are so self absorbed? And if they have split us black, isn't their perception of us and our behaviour incorrect? So how could they be aware of the damage as we are the bad people in their eyes?

See article on splitting: https://mental-health-matters.com/how-does-BPD-splitting-destroy-relationships/

[conflicted55]

My health has deteriorated in this past month since breakup with no closure. Now have a throat infection. Feels appropriate because I don't seem able to find my voice to say anything or write anything down as everything seems upside down, inside out etc.

Anytime I have a communication from the xSOwuBPD... .my health takes a nose dive. She seems to get a kick of sticking the boot in... .like zero compassion. Seems to be behaving like I was the one who did the breaking up... not the other way around.

So my question is: are they really aware of the damage they inflict? Or are they oblivious as they are so self absorbed? And if they have split us black, isn't their perception of us and our behaviour incorrect? So how could they be aware of the damage as we are the bad people in their eyes?

See article on splitting: https://mental-health-matters.com/how-does-BPD-splitting-destroy-relationships/

[Harri]

I am sorry you are not feeling well.  It does take time but keep working things out here and it will get better.  It is hard I know but so worth it.

So my question is: are they really aware of the damage they inflict? Or are they oblivious as they are so self absorbed? And if they have split us black, isn't their perception of us and our behaviour incorrect? So how could they be aware of the damage as we are the bad people in their eyes?

I don't think there is one answer that fits all people with BPD.  For some pwBPD I think they can be aware but are so threatened by it on an emotional level that they push it away.  Others may indeed feel they are justified in their actions because we hurt them so badly (aka we are split black in their eyes).  Some pwBPD are very aware of other people.

Again, it is hard to make generalizations regarding what 'they' are thinking.  Based on what you know about your ex, what does your gut tell you?

[conflicted55]

Hi Harri,

I think my ex is a BPD/NPD. Sometimes she looks like she is getting pleasure from turning me inside out. I think it gives her power. She did tell me that when she did not get her needs met in a previous relationship she went off and had an affair for a no of months and she got a kick out of picking this person up, dumping and then picking her up again... .said it made her feel powerful. The 'victim' was clinically depressed... .so how cruel was that.

But Its like she is two people and one is not aware of the other one. So when I get the nice gf, she seems horrified when I remind her of something she did to me and accuses me of thinking the worst of her. Of course, that could be a deflection.

I am so muddled by it all... I feel like my brain has had an electric whisk in it. 

[Harri]

It might be a deflection it is hard to say.  Sometimes I think the memory loss is related to the impulsive nature of people with BPD.  Behaviors are done that are so impulsive there is little thought or memory to it.  What you describe between your ex and her ex sounds more thought out and deliberately cruel. 

I understand thinking there is a good ex and a bad ex and seeing them as separate but the fact is they are the same person and you can';t have one without the other.  It is hard and confusing to try to wrap your mind around the nice vs. not nice but I think seeing her as one person may help.

What do you think?

[Stillstruggling]

I feel like others have answered the question well. They repress it out of shame, they feel like you deserve it, they can use it as public proof if they want to smear you. I've also seen evidence that it made them happy. And that last part is pretty sick and hard to swallow.

[once removed]

are you seeing anyone (therapist, doctor) about your health?

i had some health problems too, and one of the best things i did for myself in recovery was to get in and see my doctor.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey conflicted55, Maybe it would help to impose some boundaries, such as limiting your contact with her (LC).  I stopped taking calls from my BPDxW, because she used the phone as a means to berate me.  Then, I made a special folder, "For Later," where I moved emails from her for review when I felt up to it.  Most of her messages were all the same: tirades about how terrible I am!

You can find Boundaries under the Tools, above.

LuckyJim

[In a bad way]

You have hit the nail on the head, they are two different people in one body / mind.
The nice one doesn't know what the nasty one did and the nasty one doesn't know what the nice one did.
Totally mental.
I haven't posted in a while but I will be doing, my ex destroyed me.

Sorry something bad happened regarding her and I can't cope.

[conflicted55]

Hi Inabadway,
Yes, I suspected that their behaviour was unconcious at times which explains the lack of memory of certain events .
I am sorry to hear you are not coping. The BPD experience certainly throws a curve ball at us. I am up and down at the moment and have not totally let go of the relationship yet... well in my mind.

LuckyJim, yes boundaries are a good idea. I can recall talking about boundaries at the beginning of the relationship as in the idealisation phase I found her invading all my boundaries. She asked me what are boundaries! I think I am not good with boundaries at this stage of the relationship as I feel as I am the less empowered one. This maybe due to living at her place mainly, and as she is so controlling, her rules!

Onceremoved, have been to the dr today but about my injured leg first and foremost. I was in with the dr for 25 mins as she tried to find out if she could expadite my specialist appt. She was advised to refer me to the frature clinic next week. I was going to ask about antidepressants but we ran out of time. What was good is that she remembered me from 18th months ago just before she went on maternity leave. She is a good dr so will definitely make another appt with her.

[once removed]

I think I am not good with boundaries at this stage of the relationship as I feel as I am the less empowered one.

when we talk about boundaries, we arent necessarily talking about power struggles. there isnt power to take back here... .but limiting contact is something thats in your control.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

[JNChell]

Hi, conflicted55. I was also with a highly narcissistic borderline. If you want to talk more about that, I’m all ears.

[conflicted55]

I certainly have found mine to be narcisstic at times. Like they are entitled, like to gaslight, lies through their teeth. Manipulates for England. Very self-absorbed. But again its like two extreme personalities in one body. A very unsure of herself, childlike personality and another controlling personality who has to call the shots and withholds affection, intimacy, help etc.

What was your experience JNChell?

[JNChell]

My experience is exactly what you described. Throw a child in the mix for control and entitlement. I wonder if the narcissism has been the hardest part to get past. I think so. She is a borderline, but she is highly narcissistic. God, I feel like Steve Irwin talking about a beast. It only makes sense.

[Lucky Jim]

I think I am not good with boundaries at this stage of the relationship as I feel as I am the less empowered one. This maybe due to living at her place mainly, and as she is so controlling, her rules!

Hey conflicted, Boundaries don't harm her; they protect you.  It's up to you to empower yourself w/boundaries.  Suggest you start with baby steps, to be followed by greater strides when you feel more confident.

LJ