I think my pregant girlfriend has always had a big personality disorder

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

One year ago I reconnected with an ex-girlfriend from long ago.  We always had a really strong connection, shared values, and I needed to know if there was something there.

Early on I loved being with her, and I've never felt more impressed with her as a strong, confident single parent to an amazing 8 year old kid.  I don't like other peoples kids, but this one I just thought was so sensitive, well behaved, intelligent, and I loved spending time with her.

Early on in the relationship we got accidentally pregnant.  Since I was just out of university, unemployed and struggling to find a career path, she reluctantly had an abortion which she regretted.  We agreed that if she got pregnant again that she wouldnt terminate.

Things started to go bad when we found out that I had an amazing job opportunity that would mean I would have to move many hours away to another town.  She totally freaked, and I knew she would.  I didnt tell her right away, I told her after talking to close family and friends about the opportunity.  She felt that I was lying by withholding that information and that she was being shut out. 

She had a totally frightening rage explosion when she found out.  Even though I had no intent of abandoning her, she called my work, and demanded that I leave now to come see her, and said she would storm into my office if I didnt.  I was ashamed and embarrassed and realized she was in a bad mental place.  I complied and told my boss a friend was having a mental breakdown and I had to go help.  Eventually things went back to normal.  I shrugged it off as a bad episode, she said she was sorry and that it was due to her hormones (she had taken a plan B a week earlier).

I should have realized there was something really wrong, but we stayed together even though i was moving away.  I thought the relationship might work or might not, and that was okay.  I needed to focus on my new career and we would see.

Even though she had started on new birth control that month (after the plan B episode), she got pregnant shortly before I moved.

Since then we have been on a rollercoaster of emotions.  I have become suicidal and horrified that I will be having a child with this person.  It has forced me into a dillema where I either we work forever on our relationship and move in together as a family, or I become an alienated seperated parent who will have little or no contact with her or my child.

She is seriously suspicious, untrusting, and at times emotionally abusive.  She has a dominating and controlling personality.  My parents know her and have never liked her.  They have told me that they know she is emotionally manipulative and controlling and won't change.

I am now stuck with this person forever, in one way or another.

Recently, I realized she may have BPD.  She found out I had an instagram, and I explained to her I use it to network with other musicians and people I know, who I used to talk with when I had facebook (now I dont).  i told her that there are also girls and people on instagram who flaunt themselves but that I dont talk to other girls, and I primarily use it for music and networking with those people.

She said okay.  Well, the next day she somehow tracked down my account and obsessively looked up every person I follow, sending me screenshots of all the "trashy whores" that I'm "perving on".  Of course this is an issue, and she has a reason to be upset or confused.

But the rage explosion and emotional abuse was so severe I was left reeling.  I was given no opportunity to talk about it.  She said that I am a garbage trash disgusting piece of ___ that deserves pain and misery and suffering.  She said she wants me to hurt and wants me to suffer every day.  She said you are being judged and everyone will know who you are.  She accused me of having secret affairs and cheating with whores on Instagram.

I calmly explained her that none of this is true.  I never talk to these people, I'm not even attracted to these people, some were musicians, or lesbians, or people that I will never talk to, etc.  Her imagination caused her to unleash a torrent of abuse that was truly scary.

She eventually calmed down and was eventually apologetic.  This is a constant thing where when she is upset, talking calmly and rationally is impossible, and she refuses to ever admit she is being abusive or incorrect, until days later when she talks to her therapist and apologizes for being so mean and abusive.

 I can't handle this anymore, I know that she needs mental help and that she is an abuser and that I can't move in with her and our baby.

She exhibits many signs of BPD:
- self-mutilation (she picks at her fingers and makes them bleed and wears bandages, especially since going off anti-depressants and being pregnant)
- irrational fear of abandonment, suspicions of cheating (she has been cheated on and been in abusive relationships before so I do try and understand)
- explosive rage (she says she loses control and cant remember or understand why she would say things, but acts totally extremely and impuslively and I can't do anything but withstand the storm of severely hurtful and humiliating abuse)
- she threatens and manipulates me to control my behavior (since I started living in a different town she cant handle the idea of not knowing what I do on the weekend and my weekends often consist of arguments with her and constant texting.  She says things like "if you dont do XYZ then you may as well never speak to me again)

I know she deeply loves me, but I am afraid that her love for me makes her unstable and prone to paranoia, controlling demands, violent and extreme outbursts, etc

I am coping by talking to a mutual friend and getting counselling.  I just want to create a healthy relationship for our child-to-be.

When she talks about splitting up and being co-parents, she basically tells me that she cant see me or communicate with me and that everything will have to be rigidly scheduled and no friendly co-parenting relationship is to be expected.  She will not lift a finger to support my ability to be a dad.  It is my responsibility.  (She has baggage from her other ex).

Anyways, this is enough for now.  Please advise

[brooch]

One year ago I reconnected with an ex-girlfriend from long ago.  We always had a really strong connection, shared values, and I needed to know if there was something there.

Early on I loved being with her, and I've never felt more impressed with her as a strong, confident single parent to an amazing 8 year old kid.  I don't like other peoples kids, but this one I just thought was so sensitive, well behaved, intelligent, and I loved spending time with her.

Early on in the relationship we got accidentally pregnant.  Since I was just out of university, unemployed and struggling to find a career path, she reluctantly had an abortion which she regretted.  We agreed that if she got pregnant again that she wouldnt terminate.

Things started to go bad when we found out that I had an amazing job opportunity that would mean I would have to move many hours away to another town.  She totally freaked, and I knew she would.  I didnt tell her right away, I told her after talking to close family and friends about the opportunity.  She felt that I was lying by withholding that information and that she was being shut out. 

She had a totally frightening rage explosion when she found out.  Even though I had no intent of abandoning her, she called my work, and demanded that I leave now to come see her, and said she would storm into my office if I didnt.  I was ashamed and embarrassed and realized she was in a bad mental place.  I complied and told my boss a friend was having a mental breakdown and I had to go help.  Eventually things went back to normal.  I shrugged it off as a bad episode, she said she was sorry and that it was due to her hormones (she had taken a plan B a week earlier).

I should have realized there was something really wrong, but we stayed together even though i was moving away.  I thought the relationship might work or might not, and that was okay.  I needed to focus on my new career and we would see.

Even though she had started on new birth control that month (after the plan B episode), she got pregnant shortly before I moved.

Since then we have been on a rollercoaster of emotions.  I have become suicidal and horrified that I will be having a child with this person.  It has forced me into a dillema where I either we work forever on our relationship and move in together as a family, or I become an alienated seperated parent who will have little or no contact with her or my child.

She is seriously suspicious, untrusting, and at times emotionally abusive.  She has a dominating and controlling personality.  My parents know her and have never liked her.  They have told me that they know she is emotionally manipulative and controlling and won't change.

I am now stuck with this person forever, in one way or another.

Recently, I realized she may have BPD.  She found out I had an instagram, and I explained to her I use it to network with other musicians and people I know, who I used to talk with when I had facebook (now I dont).  i told her that there are also girls and people on instagram who flaunt themselves but that I dont talk to other girls, and I primarily use it for music and networking with those people.

She said okay.  Well, the next day she somehow tracked down my account and obsessively looked up every person I follow, sending me screenshots of all the "trashy whores" that I'm "perving on".  Of course this is an issue, and she has a reason to be upset or confused.

But the rage explosion and emotional abuse was so severe I was left reeling.  I was given no opportunity to talk about it.  She said that I am a garbage trash disgusting piece of ___ that deserves pain and misery and suffering.  She said she wants me to hurt and wants me to suffer every day.  She said you are being judged and everyone will know who you are.  She accused me of having secret affairs and cheating with whores on Instagram.

I calmly explained her that none of this is true.  I never talk to these people, I'm not even attracted to these people, some were musicians, or lesbians, or people that I will never talk to, etc.  Her imagination caused her to unleash a torrent of abuse that was truly scary.

She eventually calmed down and was eventually apologetic.  This is a constant thing where when she is upset, talking calmly and rationally is impossible, and she refuses to ever admit she is being abusive or incorrect, until days later when she talks to her therapist and apologizes for being so mean and abusive.

 I can't handle this anymore, I know that she needs mental help and that she is an abuser and that I can't move in with her and our baby.

She exhibits many signs of BPD:
- self-mutilation (she picks at her fingers and makes them bleed and wears bandages, especially since going off anti-depressants and being pregnant)
- irrational fear of abandonment, suspicions of cheating (she has been cheated on and been in abusive relationships before so I do try and understand)
- explosive rage (she says she loses control and cant remember or understand why she would say things, but acts totally extremely and impuslively and I can't do anything but withstand the storm of severely hurtful and humiliating abuse)
- she threatens and manipulates me to control my behavior (since I started living in a different town she cant handle the idea of not knowing what I do on the weekend and my weekends often consist of arguments with her and constant texting.  She says things like "if you dont do XYZ then you may as well never speak to me again)

I know she deeply loves me, but I am afraid that her love for me makes her unstable and prone to paranoia, controlling demands, violent and extreme outbursts, etc

I am coping by talking to a mutual friend and getting counselling.  I just want to create a healthy relationship for our child-to-be.

When she talks about splitting up and being co-parents, she basically tells me that she cant see me or communicate with me and that everything will have to be rigidly scheduled and no friendly co-parenting relationship is to be expected.  She will not lift a finger to support my ability to be a dad.  It is my responsibility.  (She has baggage from her other ex).

Anyways, this is enough for now.  Please advise

[Panda39]

Hi Brooch,

I'm sorry for what brings you here, but am so glad you've found us.  We can't diagnose someone with BPD but your gf's behaviors definitely sound familiar.  How did you discover BPD?

I guess the first question is do you want to continue the romantic relationship with your gf or not?  No matter what you decide, we have a Relationship Board to work on bettering a relationship that you might find helpful, they're really good over there at teaching tools, strategies and giving support. You are right that sharing a child means that you will have a relationship with your girlfriend no matter what.

Bettering Board... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=6.0

What is her other child's relationship with their father like?  What is your gf's interactions with the 8 year olds dad like?  Both can clue you in on what you can expect... .past behaviors being a predictor of future behaviors.

You might consider doing a consultation with a Family Law Attorney to find out what your rights and options are.  Having as much knowledge as possible is good.

Sorry to take so long responding... .the holiday weekend has slowed things down a bit.  Again welcome

Panda39

[ForeverDad]

How she treats her child's dad is an indicator of how you will be treated once yours is an Ended Relationship too.  It's not you.  Repeat, It's not you!  It's her.  Anyone she gets close to will eventually see this side of her.  BPD is a disorder most evident in close relationships.  Others may see something 'off' but the closer you are (or were) then the worse it is.`

You need to take care of yourself.   That she is willing to destroy you, your life and perspectives on life to the point of desperation and depths of despair is common with these acting-out PDs.  It's all about them.  They can't accept being the cause of the problems — Denial & Blame Shifting — so the ones who loved them get undeserved blame.

Search out and find a good counselor who can help you regain your balance and perspective.  Not just any counselor will be a good fit.  And you definitely need one who has the experience and skill to recognize the deep damage an acting-out person can cause.

[Turkish]

I think that there is some hope here that she even mentioned co-parenting.  If you establish paternity (your name as the father on the birth certificate), you have rights.  And we have members here who parent with dysfunctional other parents with solid boundaries with court orders and barriers like Our Family Wizard.

If you want to fight for you and your child we will help support you. 

[brooch]

Thank you all so deeply for offering your support.

What I am struggling to decide is how to handle this relationship during the pregnancy.  If there had been no pregnancy, I surely would have broken up with her.  The long-distance nature of a relationship with her is impossible because of her insecurities.

I told her recently that I won't tolerate this continued abuse and that we need to understand this extreme behavior so we can cope with it and have a chance for happiness.

She clearly resents any insinuation of being crazy or disordered, but she is an intelligent and good person deep down and agreed to talk to her doctor about it this week.

She says that she could just as easily pathologize my bad behavior.  But that is absurd, since I have never verbally abused or or threatened to break up, or any number of things.  I am not perfect, and I havent always been totally honest, but nothing I did justifies the extremeness of the abuse.

I let her know that I would be seeking counseling for allowing myself to be emotionally abused and that I too seek to understand my personality and improve.

I think she is getting the message, but I doubt she will change. 

I need to know how I can best show her that I care about her as the mother of my child and that I refuse to be in an abusive relationship anymore.

I want my happiness and this child to come first, and not to work endlessly on a broken relationship

[Turkish]

Be hesitant to share information about yourself (don't). Your emotional struggles are none of her business.

Given likely co-parenting (or parallel
Parenting),  digest the communication tools:

Tools for communication, validation, and reinforcement of good behavior

They helped me. 

[Panda39]

Be hesitant to share information about yourself (don't). Your emotional struggles are none of her business.

I agree, the more you share, the more can and likely will be used against you.

She says that she could just as easily pathologize my bad behavior.

She's already threatened you here.

Beware/Be Aware of FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) or emotional blackmail it is often used as a tool of control.

More on FOG... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

Turkish gave you some good information in his link and I'd like to share another one.  You may or may not stay in the romantic relationship but you will likely have some kind of relationship through your child so I wanted to share... .

The Do's and Don't of a BPD Relationship... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62266.0

Take Care,
Panda39

[worriedStepmom]

I'm sorry that you are in this situation, but it isn't completely hopeless.

It's good that you will be seeing a counselor.  I think counseling is good for everyone, but especially for people who have intimate dealings with someone who may have BPD.  Do not give her ANY information about your counseling or what you've discussed.  She will eventually use it against you.

You really need to talk to a lawyer - now - about your legal options to make sure you have access to your child.

It will also be helpful to think back to how your gf treats her daughter.  Is she verbally or emotionally abusive to the child?  Is the child parentified?   My stepdaughter was also the "perfect" child for a long time, because it was the only way to keep her uBPDmom happy, and SD had been trained that it was her job to manage her mother's emotions.  When she was close to 11, the stress got to be too much for her.  My H was able to get her to see a therapist (over her mother's vehement objections);  after 2 sessions the therapist asked my H if he really thought it was best for SD to be living primarily with uBPDmom.  (We now have primary custody.)

If your gf is treating her daughter in these kinds of ways, that's good evidence for you if you need to prove that she isn't a fit parent or that you need more access to your child.  It's also possible to request a psychological evaluation of her, although be prepared that you might have to undergo one too.

This is not going to be an easy path for you.  We do not coparent with SD's uBPDmom.  It is strictly parallel parenting, because she wants to know EVERYTHING we do, and EVERYTHING we do is wrong.  So H parents as he sees fit on our time and ignores uBPDmom.

[kells76]

Hey brooch, welcome to the boards from me as well. You're not alone in this -- a lot of people here can relate to your tough situation. My husband was married to his kids' mom back when he had just started grad school. Same story -- mom was taking BC but "it didn't work" that one time and that's when they got pregnant with kiddo #1, so DH had to quit grad school. Your story sounds similar in that your GF maybe "used" getting pregnant to keep you from going away.

I can't add anything better to the advice and feedback you've already received from Panda39, ForeverDad, Turkish, and worriedStepmom. I am curious, though -- is it 110% absolutely positive that (a) she IS in fact pregnant, and not just saying she is, and (b) that YOU are Dad, not some other dude? I'm assuming that she is very convincing about the two, but is there any way to find out (or has it been established and I missed it) that it's undeniably true (i.e. you are there in the Dr's office and the Dr says Yup pregnant)? That might help you in your decision making. Let me know if it doesn't make sense why I'm curious... .

Hang in there, and keep posting whenever you need some support;

kells76

[ForeverDad]

Is it 110% absolutely positive that (a) she IS in fact pregnant, and not just saying she is, and (b) that YOU are Dad, not some other dude?  I'm assuming that she is very convincing... .

Valid questions.  Maybe she's been faithful to the relationship, maybe not, but the fact is that a large number of our ex-relationships did have hidden affairs, apparently some pwBPD (with inconsistent moods and loyalties) are the roaming sort who are often on the lookout for that week's greener pastures.  Not saying this is so in your case, but that risk should be addressed and eliminated by the time for birth certificates.

She's had abortions in the past, for all you know she might do it again.  Time will allow opportunity to figure out how things turn out.  Meanwhile, beware of what you promise.  If the relationship is that dysfunctional you would be wise to proceed cautiously.  Really, the only thing that would make life with her manageable is whether she would start meaningful therapy and stick with it, applying it in her perceptions, actions and entire life.

[scraps66]

Wonder if you could get full legal custody, meaning all decision making authority. 

Incidentally, I was duped like this, after 3/4 months of heavy dating, "I forgot to take my birth control."  From that point on things changed... .dramatically!  You're not alone here.