Trying to process things...

[CookieMonster80]

I've been on this board multiple times over the past few days, but have failed to find the words that describe my current emotions towards my recent breakup. My ex gfwBPD and I have been together almost 5 years and the first three years were wonderful until last October happened. She became distant and she made her new friends the first priority in her life so we ended up breaking up. As it turned out, she had a crush on one of the girls in her friend group and they ended up sleeping together within days of us breaking up. Realizing we both love each other, we decided to work on things and by the beginning of this year things seemed to be back to normal. There were many times where she would even state that "things feel like they once were" and we were happy. Fast forward to September of this year, she started to slip into a depression and everything made her unhappy, including me. After talking with her, she went to her psychiatrist who upped her dosage of Zoloft and we both hoped that this would help the situation.

Unfortunately it did not help and things grew worse. She became very cold and distant, which caused me to become doubtful of our relationship. She ended up coming to my house to be with me and my family for Thanksgiving and that night is when it all ended. With my birthday in a week, I was expecting her to plan a day for us to spend together to celebrate like she has always done in the past. When I asked if I should be planning anything for my birthday her response was, "pick a day to come to me and we will do something fun." I got the sense like I was forcing her to do something so I asked if she was still happy in this relationship and she stated that she wasn't and hasn't been for the whole year since we got back together.

After talking and officially deciding to break things off, I am here now trying to make sense of everything that took place and I am hoping someone will be able to provide some insight. I'm confused why things were going so well this year and then all of a sudden were going so poorly. We rarely fought and when we would hang out, we would have a great time with lots of laughter. I know she was very unhappy with her work situation and that was adding to her stress and unhappiness, but I don't think that could be the only thing in play.

I know this breakup was for the best and I was content with the outcome until our mutual friend sent us both a text last night that him and his gf were engaged. This crushed me. All I could think about was that was supposed to be us. We had talked about marriage and kids so many times and she even had a savings account for a ring. This makes me think... .is it not our time and we need some personal time to grow before we work on this relationship again? Should I move on and not have any hope that we can make it work?

While there is a part of me that knows I deserve better, there is also a part of me that hopes one day we can overcome her borderline together and make things work. Until then, any advice/support would be greatly appreciated!

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Cookie Monster, I'm sorry to hear about your recent b/u and understand that you are struggling to make sense of it.  Let me ask you a question: how did you determine that your xGF suffers from BPD?  I'm unclear from your post.  In what ways would you say that BPD had an impact on your r/s?  Again, I'm unsure.  Presumably her depression contributed to her need to break things off.  How are you doing?  Now is a good time to focus on yourself and your needs.  Suggest you treat yourself w/kindness and compassion.

LuckyJim

[Insom]

Hi, CookieMonster80.  Allow me to join Lucky Jim in supporting you.  I  know how hard these breakups can feel. 

Should I move on and not have any hope that we can make it work?

This is a question only you can decide.  What are you feeling today?

 

[CookieMonster80]

Thank you both for the replies and support. It is honestly what I needed to hear the most today.

how did you determine that your xGF suffers from BPD?

A few weeks into our relationship I found out that she was cutting herself and had to call to have her admitted to an inpatient program due to suicidal ideation. It was during this time that she disclosed to me that she had BPD and has been off of her medication since she has not been able to see a psychiatrist. After this incident we went a good three years without any issues. I was happy, she was happy, and we truly enjoyed each others company without any issues. She stated that I was the one person she could fully trust (which was rare for her) and there was never any jealousy/trust issues unless I would say I found someone attractive (which I would never do after I found out this was a trigger).

I think the biggest BPD trait that plays a role in our relationship is her inability to find herself so she is constantly feeling lost and looking for something/someone to fill the void. When she starts entering this frame of mind it leads into a depression where she is unhappy with everything in her life. It is almost like she self-sabotages herself to make the situation worse than it is. Like I stated before, we never fought, we had great chemistry, and everything was fine until September started and she went from giving 100% to this relationship to about 5%, which ultimately drove me away.

This is a question only you can decide.  What are you feeling today?

Honestly, today I feel confused, hurt, and angry. I'm constantly thinking about whether or not she will reach out and if she does, will I respond? I don't know if I want to hear from her or if I want her to stay away from me. I'm hurt and angry because after spending almost five years with someone, how can someone just throw everything away?

[Lucky Jim]

I think the biggest BPD trait that plays a role in our relationship is her inability to find herself so she is constantly feeling lost and looking for something/someone to fill the void.

Hey CM,  As you probably know, one of the hallmarks of BPD is an unstable sense of self, so your observations seem quite apt.  That void is not something you can fill, in my view.

I'm sorry that you feel so confused, hurt and angry.  What do you think was the turning point last September?  Self-sabotage is a common theme among those w/BPD.  The odd thing is, those w/BPD often take steps to bring about the outcome they hope to avoid.  If that sounds paradoxical, it is!  Some aspects of BPD defy reason.

It's normal to ruminate, but try to return your attention to the present moment, as best you can.  It's a process that a lot of us, including me, have been through.

LuckyJim

[once removed]

I'm confused why things were going so well this year and then all of a sudden were going so poorly.

its a complex question, and one that im asking myself a lot these days.

one thing that was kind of hard to swallow for me during my recovery, was that my ex and i were on different pages during our relationship, and especially toward the end. from my perspective, it made no sense. similarly, my ex told me not long before we broke up that it was as if she had fallen in love with me all over again. its difficult to reconcile, no doubt.

was it around that three year mark that she was prioritizing friends, and cheated?

[CookieMonster80]

What do you think was the turning point last September? 

similarly, my ex told me not long before we broke up that it was as if she had fallen in love with me all over again. its difficult to reconcile, no doubt.

was it around that three year mark that she was prioritizing friends, and cheated?

Hi Once Removed,

This is exactly how things played out in our relationship. Last September I moved in with her to complete part of my internship, which I was doing with her aunt (mind you, this was her idea). The summer leading up to me moving in she was SO excited and could not stop talking about it to me and her family. I moved in and things were great until she started to become distant around the two/three week mark. That's when she revealed she had a crush on the girl in her friend group. We tried talking through the emotions, but ultimately she was set on this girl so we broke up. Once I found this out I went and cleaned everything out of her apartment and she ended up calling me saying she made a terrible mistake that she would never make again. We took things slow and by the start of this year, things were back to normal.

That's when I found this wonderful group and started to learn more about BPD. Since the last breakup there has been a part of me that kept telling myself "this could happen again" so there were definitely some walls that went up and some doubt over the past year. Interestingly enough, there is still some part of me today that believes we can make it work and I'm having trouble understanding why. I guess because I know her behavior is being fueled by her BPD symptoms and there is some part of me that believes we can overcome them together, especially if she decides she would go to counseling?

Even though I want to, I'm not going to be the one to reach out because I was last time, but it is almost like I am waiting to hear from her even though I don't know that she will ever contact me.  I have been trying to focus on me, but it is incredibly hard knowing a 5 year relationship that had more good times than bad is now down the drain. At the end of the day, I just miss my best friend and find myself focusing on that.

[once removed]

looking back, when my ex told me she had fallen in love with me all over again, i know now that she had considered breaking up for a while, probably on and off, and had, to some extent grieved the relationship.

sometimes a process like that can go on for quite a while... .the person going through it may not even be fully aware that its happening, but a distance sets that is hard to overcome.

whats especially confusing is that there can be strong swings back and forth, and a great deal of it, we may not ever even see. i dont doubt that my ex was very sincere when she said what she said. i dont doubt that for you and your ex, when things were good, they were great. under the surface though, that distance simmers and reaches a boiling point. all of this can be more extreme with someone with BPD traits... .the swings back and forth more wild, the declarations of love/hate/dissatisfaction even stronger. all of it tends to leave the person on the receiving end hurt, confused, feeling blindsided and wondering what happened.

what do you think?

[CookieMonster80]

sometimes a process like that can go on for quite a while... .the person going through it may not even be fully aware that its happening, but a distance sets that is hard to overcome.

Once Removed,

I think you hit the nail on the head with that description. In September as she started to enter her depression, she mentioned the idea of a break and how she has been unhappy for the last year since our last breakup. This took me by surprise because there was never any mention of her being unhappy and a few weeks prior she would say how much I mean to her and how she can't wait to spend her life with me. We even went on vacation the second to last week of August with two close friends and have a great time! I guess under the surface she has been struggling with this idea for quite some time.

I'm also wondering if her friends are having an influence on her as well as they ALL have dysfunctional relationships. I'm not sure what it is about this crowd of people that she loves to surround herself with, but she yearns for their acceptance, even though they have proved multiple times that they are not true friends. Maybe it is the chaos that surrounds them that she enjoys? Not sure.

[once removed]

I'm not sure what it is about this crowd of people that she loves to surround herself with, but she yearns for their acceptance, even though they have proved multiple times that they are not true friends. Maybe it is the chaos that surrounds them that she enjoys? Not sure.

youre probably on the right track here. my best friend and i are in a similar position, where hes spending a lot more time with another best friend of ours. id wondered about it for a while, not quite seeing that beneath the surface, there was something they had more in common. we go way back, and are closer than close, always have a good time, so it was hard to see, but there are reasons people gravitate in the directions they do.

from our article on Surviving a Breakup with someone with BPD:

2) Belief that your BPD partner feels the same way that you feel

If you believe that your BPD partner was experiencing the relationship in the same way that you were or that they are feeling the same way you do right now, don’t count on it. This will only serve to confuse you and make it harder to understand what is really happening. When any relationship breaks down, it’s often because the partners are on a different “page” – but much more so when your partner suffers with borderline personality disorder traits. Unknown to you, there were likely significant periods of shame, fear, disappointment, resentment, and anger rising from below the surface during the entire relationship. What you have seen lately is not new - rather it’s a culmination of feelings that have been brewing in the relationship.

i didnt exactly like realizing that, but it did help me understand, and therefore, ultimately, detach. does it help?

https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

[CookieMonster80]

Thanks for responding Once Removed. Yes, that does help. Today marks one week with NC and I am not going to lie, this morning was a little bit of a struggle. It feels like I am on an emotional rollercoaster. I will have a day where I know there are better things out there for me and that I deserve to be with someone who treats me right and I will actually be in a good mood. Yet, there are days like today where I miss her like hell and the thought of trying to make it work crosses my head, yet I know this is going to be a repetitive cycle. Hoping things will get better in time I guess.

[JNChell]

Hi, CookieMonster80. How are you holding up today? I know it’s hard, but just know that you are taking the proper steps to help yourself.

It feels like I am on an emotional rollercoaster.

It will feel this way for a while. It’s ok and you’re going to be fine. Time will help with this. Time will not heal, but it will help to relieve the accute feelings. Self care is important right now. Have you thought about or read up on self care at this point?

Yet, there are days like today where I miss her like hell and the thought of trying to make it work crosses my head, yet I know this is going to be a repetitive cycle.

This is normal. I know that you’re very early in this stage, but when those feelings come on strong, try to take a pause. Breathe and try to let the feeling run it’s course. Sit with it without fighting it or reacting. Just let it be and watch it pass. It will. This takes practice. I’m still learning it, but it does work. This technique was first introduced to me here and is reinforced by my psychologist who is a seasoned trauma specialist. There’s an author by the name of Tara Brach. In her book Radical Acceptance, she talks about taking sacred pauses. I’ll provide you a link to her book. If you’re interested, check it out.
https://www.amazon.com/Radical-Acceptance-Awakening-Heals-Shame/dp/0712601457/ref=mp_s_a_1_3/135-5478973-7587927?ie=UTF8&qid=1543574924&sr=8-3&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=radical+acceptance+tara+brach&dpPl=1&dpID=41b-02ehFVL&ref=plSrch

Everything will be fine, CookieMonster80. Keep posting and get comfy with us. We’re happy to spend time with you.

Here’s a link to an article from this site that I think will be helpful for you to understand what you’ve been through and what is happening now.
https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

[JNChell]

Sorry, CM80! I just noticed that once removed had already linked you to the article. My bad on overlooking that.

[CookieMonster80]

How are you holding up today? I know it’s hard, but just know that you are taking the proper steps to help yourself.

Self care is important right now. Have you thought about or read up on self care at this point?

Hey JN,

Thanks for reaching out. I have always dealt with anxiety and last year during my break up, my anxiety and depression were in full force to the point where it was a struggle to get out of bed. Over the past year I feel that I have grown and learned a couple coping techniques such as letting the emotion happen instead of fighting it, like you stated. With that being said, I am going to look into and order the book you have suggested as I love to read and I think it would be very beneficial! Thanks for the suggestion

I think the difference between now and a year ago is the realization that what will happen is going to happen and sometimes it is out of my control. As much as I would love for my ex to come back into my life and for us to live the fairytale we have much envisioned, I have come to terms with the reality of that probably not happening. As hard as it is for me, I am trying to take a laid back approach and let life play out for a little bit. In the meantime I am trying to focus on the things I do have control over, such as work, spending time with family/friends, and working on my well-being. All I can say is thank goodness for the amount of support that happens on these boards as I feel like I have a great group of people who can relate to what I am going through and vice versa.

[JNChell]

Yeah, I know what you’re saying. Anxiety can really ruin a day. And you’re right, combine that with depression and we’re not going about our day in ways that we could be.

Man, I’m glad to hear that you are allowing your feelings to come and go. That is huge! I’m not just validating here, that’s a very hard thing to do. You’re doing well.

I think the difference between now and a year ago is the realization that what will happen is going to happen and sometimes it is out of my control.

This is Radical Acceptance my friend. You’re at the core of it. There are Senior Members here that have this locked down and mastered. Keep that thought in the front of your mind.

I am trying to take a laid back approach and let life play out for a little bit.

This sounds like a reasonable and healthy approach. Are you thinking about picking up some new hobbies? Maybe getting back into some. I’m not sure if you were able to keep what made you happy during your relationship, or if you had to set that stuff aside. Me, I’m a very good guitar player. I’m not spouting, but I’m very good. On our good days, I would follow my ex around the house with a guitar and sing to her. Sometimes it was comedic improv, sometimes it was a song. She seemed to like it, but it was just another thing that would never be enough. I barely play now.

I hope that you can reply with things that you like to do and are doing.

[once removed]

It feels like I am on an emotional rollercoaster. I will have a day where I know there are better things out there for me and that I deserve to be with someone who treats me right and I will actually be in a good mood. Yet, there are days like today where I miss her like hell and the thought of trying to make it work crosses my head, yet I know this is going to be a repetitive cycle. Hoping things will get better in time I guess.

things will get better. it will help, on some level, to anticipate that there will be some major ups and downs. sometimes they would happen to me within just minutes of each other.

beyond that though, it will help to step back a bit, and observe the ups and downs without judgment (ie a good day or moment doesnt mean alls well, a bad day isnt a "setback", its all just grief).

it helps to talk, too. whats on your mind today?

[CookieMonster80]

Hey Once Removed,

Today I have been busy at work and since my birthday is tomorrow my co-workers have really gone out of their way to make me feel special. I would be lying if I said I didn't feel some kind of anxiety about my ex reaching out tomorrow. On one hand I think I would feel pretty down if she didn't wish me a happy birthday, but on the other hand I'm worried that her reaching out is going to lead to my emotions going downhill. Here's where I tell myself to take a deep breath and see what happens because there's no sense in getting anxious over something that has not even happened yet, right?

Honestly, I'm just hoping I can keep it together together and handle what tomorrow throws at me.

[Lucky Jim]

Here's where I tell myself to take a deep breath and see what happens because there's no sense in getting anxious over something that has not even happened yet, right?

Hey CM, I like your approach.  Things often play out differently that what we anticipate, so I think yo are wise to avoid projecting any particular outcome.  To the extent possible, I suggest trying to stay in the present, looking at your birthday in a mindful way.  That way, you take a step back and are ready for anything.

LuckyJim

[once removed]

my co-workers have really gone out of their way to make me feel special.

this can go a long way. its good to have people around you that care. likewise, i hope you will go out of your way to make you feel special.

[JNChell]

Hey, CM80, I may not be able to do so tomorrow, so HAPPY BIRTHDAY!   Hope it’s a great one, brother.