I really screwed up. My c-PTSD is beginning to scare me.

[JNChell]

This is going to be long. Please bare with me. This post could also be directed at the law board, but the knowledge base for C-PTSD seems to be the strongest here.

Quick intro for the post. S3’s mom is withholding him from me and I don’t know when I will see him again. I thought about this all day, obviously, and I think it was a series of triggers that set this in motion, but the bottom line is it’s ultimately my fault and I feel really awful. My heart has been palpitating and I’ve been shaking all day. I’m terrified that S3 will be taken from me by the courts.

Ok. Series of triggers. I had to see S3’s mom for the first time in close to a year on Wednesday of last week. I had him for the extended Thanksgiving weekend. It was hard to see her. She’s as beautiful as ever. S3 had a major meltdown. This was no run of the mill toddler tantrum, I believe I witnessed him dysregulating. He wanted his mom. He was screaming and he sounded like he was in pure agony. Instead of pulling away in her vehicle, she positioned herself to where he could clearly see her having her own breakdown. This escalated him very fast. She started to get out of her vehicle to come to him. I had to motion for her to just go so I could try to get him settled. It took some time to get him strapped in and he clearly had the attention of the patrons at the gas station where the exchange was made. I recorded the remainder of the episode on voice memo. At one point he said (screamed) repeatedly that he was going to get a gun and shoot me. I was disturbed and becoming unsettled, but stayed calm and worked at helping him to ground himself. This went on for an additional 14 minutes. Nothing I said was working. He was hyperventilating to the point that I was contemplating pulling over and dialing 911. I started to feel panicked. I eventually broke through the meltdown by asking him if he wanted to send mommy a video message when we got home. After the meltdown was over he just stared out of windshield looking straight ahead. His face just looked hollow and when I could get him to respond to me it was monotone. No emotion whatsoever in his voice. It looked like dissociation and it was eerily similar to what I’ve witnessed in his mom. I finally asked him if he would like to be left alone. He said yes. I thought it was a good opportunity to let him set a boundary. It’s causing me a lot of concern. But, what if I’m overreacting? That’s a hallmark of my condition. I forgot to mention that before pulling away from the gas station, I sent his mom a message saying that that was not a normal reaction. Her response, “he’s just tired “. If that was the case, why her reaction? Panda39 raised the  in the OP on this event that there may be parental alienation taking place and I fear that as well.

When S3 and I got home I sent his mom a message that listed my concerns. I let her know that I was approaching her calmly. Some of the things I mentioned were how this can be an early warning sign of an unhealthy attachment developing, the importance of boundaries and the importance of us teaching him how to self soothe. No response. In the message I said something to the affect that it had been a long time and she looked pretty. I was just trying to be nice. There wasn’t a thank you. The comment was met with how she is seeing someone that she met less 2 months after our final split. This was pretty devastating to hear. We all know why. At this point I’m feeling pretty triggered about things. Not feeling too well at all. There was some arguing that ensued. My diagnosis once again colliding with what I believe to be a highly narcissistic borderline. The same painful dance.

This ensued throughout the weekend and it imploded last night. I did something very stupid and impulsive. I need to give some backstory on this as well. Her childhood was terrible as well, just in different ways. Her mother neglected her and her sisters and their father abandoned them when their mom ran away with them. S3’s mom was 8 at the time. He never pursued them and eventually signed his rights over to what I’m convinced is a sociopath that her mom married. The mom at one point worked nights as an escort and would come home intoxicated and crashing from cocaine highs. She would spend days in bed and the kids basically lived on cereal. The mother was eventually taken by ambulance to a psychiatric ward because she wouldn’t get out of bed. I empathize on a very deep level with my ex. Most of us here know how horrible an adverse childhood can be. When my ex was 12, she was molested by an uncle. Her mom’s brother. When my ex made this known to her mom, her mom’s reaction was stand up and exit the room. She never responded or addressed it with anyone let alone the uncle or law enforcement. If that’s not neglect and emotional abandonment, I don’t know what is. An aunt intervened to comfort my ex, but the incident wasn’t pursued beyond that. I can’t imagine how alone my ex must’ve felt. Her mom would eventually leave her 3 daughters with their grandmother for 4 months to pursue their father. It didn’t work and he eventually went to prison for dealing in methamphetamine. He moved to Florida after his release. His kids live in the Midwest.

So, her bio-dad is a convicted felon along with the sociopathic ex-stepdad for breaking and entering. Burglary. Her mom was only dating him at this point and would make the girls stand on the city corner and wave at him through the county jail windows. This went on for 18 months. She married him after his release. He took control over them with their mom allowing him to rule the many, many places they lived. There was more than one Christmas when the presents would be distributed only to have them gone shortly after because of a “burglary”. He forced my ex to rip up pictures of her bio-dad. These two would eventually fraudulently take out student loans in my ex’s name when she was attempting college. The poor girl never had a chance, and I feel badly for her beneath my own anger and resentment for her. She went to Florida to live with him for a year after she graduated high school. Their relationship was a bond that revolved around marijuana.

That background leads to yesterday evening. We were continuing our toxic dance. We’re both basically dyregulating on each other and I can’t stop thinking about her past and how things might be now if her parents didn’t basically ruin her childhood. I failed to take a sacred pause and remove myself from the situation to gather myself and I sent her mom a message explaining how she failed my ex. My ex is now currently withholding our Son from me until there is a court order in place because of my actions. This could take months or longer and I’m terrified that he will be manipulated and alienated by the time that I’m able to have regular access to him again. I’m afraid that the court will take my rights away because some very bad things happened while I was with his mom. I dont have a lot of documented evidence. I erased it every time we got back together. She kept all of her’s even after each reconciliation.

I made a huge mistake last night and this anxiety condition is beginning to scare me. I just allowed it to come between my young son and I. I just can’t seem to get a handle on it. I begged my ex relentlessly today to not keep our son and I apart. I sent her mom an apology, but the damage is done. I feel very ashamed of what I did. I’m not doing well because of my own actions. Our Son is going to suffer because of what I did. It’s a huge step backwards. I feel a huge amount of hopelessness and fear right now and it’s of my own doing. How do I get myself unstuck from this condition? Does it get worse before it gets better though the therapy and the healing? I felt almost paralyzed with fear today. I wasn’t functioning well. I’m back to the same questions of “what if I’m a borderline?”. The crossover between C-PTSD and BPD is being clinically proven so it’s a no brainer to see and accept that I have traits. Are these traits fleas or are they permanent?

I just want my boy. I’m a good parent to him and I’m trying really hard to instill in him what wasn’t instilled in me. I don’t want him to end up spending his time in abusive relationships, therapist’s offices and family court. I want him to be happy and I need to get a grasp on myself. I need to beat this condition for him. I’m not doing a very good job.

[Harri]

   First thing:  breathe.  Concentrate on your breathing.  In and out.



Okay, so that was not the best thing in the world to do but it is way better than I thought it would be as I was reading.  Yes, you made a mistake.  Yes, she and her mother are probably angry.   I do not think it was a fatal mistake JNChell. 

I know what it is like to be overwhelmed when triggered and the anxiety is sky high and all you can see is your pulse and your fear.  It happens JNChell and you are working on it.  It took decades to get you like that it is going to take some time for you to work through it.  It does not make you bad or fatally flawed. 

PTSD/C-PTSD is a serious disorder and you are in treatment and committed to therapy.  You are not letting it rule you.  You *are* learning to deal with it.  Again, it takes time. 

We don't know if there will be consequences to your talking with her mother.  One good think is that you probably won't make that mistake again.  Each time you learn a lesson like this it will stick with you and apply to any new situations as long as you keep working on it.

When are you seeing your T?  Do you by any chance take a long acting anti-depressant aimed at dealing with your anxiety?  I do and it has made a big difference for me. 

Use this experience to deepen your commitment and determination to getting better.  All you can do is work on you while your ex plays this little power game.  Remember that. 

Just Breathe.  In and Out.   

[Harri]

Forgot to say that yes, when I first started trauma therapy, things got worse for me.  More anxiety, more dissociation, more flashbacks, panic attacks.

Stick with it.  Just make sure your T knows.

[JNChell]

Hey, Harri. Thanks for the encouragement.

When are you seeing your T?

I’ll be seeing her on Wednesday.

Do you by any chance take a long acting anti-depressant aimed at dealing with your anxiety?

Not currently, but I think I need to start exploring here. I’ve had my fill of anxiety and I think I’d be doing myself a necessary service to give myself a break.

Thanks.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hey JNChell,

You have a whole bunch going on right now, and I can hear how stressed you are. I am so sorry, and I am here with you too, like Harri is. We are surrounding you and will do our best to help you. I know you can't necessarily feel it, but we are really out here supporting you and letting you know that we care. 

How well I remember those days when I first started working on all the garbage from my past, how one little mistake I made caused me to want to hyperventilate, fearing the horrendous outcome that I expected. While some fall out would come, my expectations were based around things that I couldn't remember or see most of the time. But my subconscious remembered it far too well. Most of the time I wasn't able to put a tangible memory to my extreme anxiety and shaking and horrible fear, but I know it came from the things that happened when I was a child. Maybe that is part of what is going on with you, some of the driving force behind the C-PTSD. It takes time to self sooth your way out of those places. I still often need others to help me find my way out of those dark spaces. When all you can feel is the 'reaction' your body has, it takes more than self soothing. My T has helped me to find my way out. Each time I saw him for a long time, I felt he talked me down from my scared, wide eyed, "I-feel-like-such-a-bad-shameful-person" place.  Then I could take another breath and let the emotional flashback settle.

Know that these triggers can often take about 48 to 72 hours to settle. At first though for me I could bounce around in a lesser state of anxiety but still anxious for a week or two. That has gotten much much better, and normally it is this much shorter time now. You'll get there.

The law board can be a good place to get some direction on the other aspect you are dealing with about your son. If you feel especially anxious about your visits with him, is there another safe family member who could be there with you sometimes to help you through these days when you have him for a visit? I don't have any clue as to if that is feasible with the issues you are dealing with, but it came to my mind to ask. I know if I was physically sick and my child were visiting, I might ask for some help so that we could still enjoy each other and it might help to keep me grounded. You may have felt less than the dad you wanted to be because of the stress from all angles. I think that would be highly likely, and I'd be right there too if I were in your place!

 
Wools

[JNChell]

Hi, Wools. Thank you so much for the support.

But my subconscious remembered it far too well.

The stored trauma. It’s hard to navigate this stuff. I don’t ever feel prepared for it when it surfaces. I still react to it instead of identify it, sit with it and let it go. I get stuck on the trigger instead of using Wisemind to get myself through the resurfacing trauma. I’m really trying to implement these tools in my day to day life, but I’m finding it to be difficult to accomplish. Harri provided a very valid piece of insight on how it took decades for all of this to unfold and that it will take time to get through it. I’m going to try to keep that in the front of my mind. Wading backwards through the murky water that got me here is not pleasant. I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know. It causes me conflicted feelings sometimes. An example is feeling envy and happiness for people at the same time. The envy isn’t malicious, but sometimes the feeling arises. I wish I knew what it was like to have a loving and nurturing upbringing. I see their successful relationships and sometimes have a sinking feeling inside, but I’m happy that they have that at the same time. It lets me know that it’s possible. This disorder is in fact complex. I’m at a point where I’m not really seeing an end or a manageable outcome. Especially not after what I did last night. I feel like my own personal roadblock right now. What I did was self sabotage myself and I only realized it after the fact. Backwards thinking. I want to beat this and look it in the face with confidence when it appears. After last night, I’m realizing that this may never be my reality. I harmed an element of my life that is very dear to me. Time with my child as a single parent. I’ve never felt that kind of love before and he needs his dad. I placed that in jeopardy. I’m not feeling very well about causing this to happen. I want to say that he doesn’t experience my C-PTSD, but my actions last night speak otherwise. We have a great relationship and I don’t know if that will be in tact when I’m able to see him again. I’m very afraid.

I don’t feel anxious about his visits, it’s the lack of them that are at the forefront. His mother has stated that she will be withholding him from me for an undetermined amount of time. ForeverDad has stated many times on the law board that if a pwBPD makes a threat, it will most often come to fruition. It has now because I was being reactive instead of proactive. My fears are once again at my doorstep, and it’s my fault. My doing. I’m an adult and have once again failed. I’m not trying to make this into a poor me rant, I’m just trying to keep myself accountable for my actions.

Thank you, Wools. I wish that I had more to offer you all, but you guys are really well grounded in this stuff. I’m still trying to get there and I appreciate the support that you all provide.

[JNChell]

Hey, Wools.

Know that these triggers can often take about 48 to 72 hours to settle.

I put a timer on myself. What you stated here is true. I’m feeling much better. I took a scheduled day off of work today to simply keep things slow. Chores and cooking, but slow and collected. I know that I’ll be triggered again by one thing or another down the road, but I’ll be able to tell myself with confidence that I’ll be better in a couple days. It doesn’t last forever. Thank you for that tiny piece of very important information. I had never found that in all of my research.

[JNChell]

Harri, I told my T that something happened, but that I wanted to wait until our next session to discuss it. My T was good with that and did a really good job with calming me down. She’s a pro at identifying current issues and taking them back to childhood and it making sense. Things simply making sense are very calming.

Forgot to say that yes, when I first started trauma therapy, things got worse for me.  More anxiety, more dissociation, more flashbacks, panic attacks.

I discussed this with her as well. The hero’s journey. From being a survivor to a thriver. She confirmed what you pointed out. It gets worse before it gets better. She explained the intense drop off that happens before thriving. I decided to switch things up with therapy. I asked her if she was ok with me journaling my thoughts between sessions and bringing them there. She’s on board with it. She’s a good psychologist.

[Harri]

I am glad you were able to talk with your T.  I really does sound like she is doing a great job with you. 

I am glad you are feeling better JNChell.  Working through trauma is tough but as you know it is worth it.

I’m just trying to keep myself accountable for my actions.

You are keeping yourself accountable by posting here, talking with your T reflecting on some very hard stuff and being determined to change.  That is all you can do.  I think you are crossing over into beating yourself up and have some twisted thinking going on here.  No offense intended nor do I intend to invalidate you or minimize what you are experiencing right now. 

You are in a tough spot right now but what happened happened and beating yourself up is not going to help.  It is only going to make it worse.  You do not know for sure what your ex will do nor do you know that your relationship with your son will be harmed to the point of being unrepairable nor do you know what will happen once you get the custody issue worked out.  Can you see that?

Acceptance of what is, right at this minute is not the same as beating yourself up, which is what you are doing.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hey JNChell,

You're welcome! Actually my T needs to get the credit because he is the one I learned it from. It has helped me a lot too, to gain confidence in just holding on through the process. One of Pete Walker's 13 Steps for Emotional Flashbacks says that you'll get through this just as you always have. Sometimes though, darn it, there's something inside of me that initially says that's not true, that I'll be here FOREVER, and it really is probably one of my inner children feeling as if the drama and pain will forever be unending. It does settle and go away though. Whew.

For me sometimes, no, it was often, most of the time, I had to slow myself down and not try to figure out all the steps and trying to stop to respond, and all the "what I should be doing" steps to success and healing. (That was a run on sentence by the way!   I needed to merely observe how I responded and reacted and not try to fix it for some time. After an encounter or situation in which I felt as if the world was coming to an end, I gathered up the fragments of me and headed in for my appointment with my T. I journaled in between which was a huge help, and then I would tell him all that I had done wrong and how I messed up in my people relationships that week.

You know what he did? He took each thing, and we walked back through it, confronting what I believed about myself and countered it with facts, not blame or being wrong. Slowly, slowly, the deeply grooved parts of my brain that had been dramatically affected by the negative messages for so long began to rewrite themselves and new pathways began to grow.  You are doing this same thing right now. It will be hard, just like Harri said, but as you stick with it, you will lessen the trauma.

Keep going. Like the Little Engine said, "I think I can, I think I can... ."

 
Wools

[Turkish]

What's done is done and you are moving forward,  even though it is painful to be kept from your son for the moment.   This isn't permanent. 

It sounds like you're co-parenting. Stop. Volunteer only as much info that is necessary.  Despite that traumatic exchange,  you're his dad.  Despite his mom and other guy,  never underestimate the fact that you are the most significant and important man in your son's life.  My kids say they love their step dad,  but I that they know the difference... .especially since my ex blocked her H from fully participating in their lives.  Ideally,  he would be. 

Children need mirroring,  healthy mirroring,  as they develop their senses of selves.  He will mirror you,  good and bad.  I believe that you can handle such tantrums.  S8, then 4, told his mom he wished she ran out in the road and was run over by a truck.  This disturbed her enough to tell me (on my side,  I wouldn't have told her).

Such angry feelings certainly communicate something, but they are transient,  especially at that age.  Validate,  hug, talk.  If he doesn't want to be touched in the moment,  respect it,  but return.  My S8 was pissed at me the other night.  I respected him telling me to go away, but returned,  and he got past it.  I got past it. He just needed a little time. 

[JNChell]

Hey, Turkish. Thanks for your input. The thought of being withheld from my son is awful. It sucks. His mom is starting to come around. I’ll be getting him on Tuesday and we’re going back to every other weekend. I also finally got her to agree to a phone call before bed on each Sunday that he is with her before bed so that I can read him a bedtime story. She started a parenting app that I agreed to participate with. I guess we’ll see how it goes. It’s been going for two days now. It’s supposed to be a fresh start for us and our boy, but she’s so controlling with the situation. I’m tired of being viewed as a subhuman instead of the other parent. I think that things are calming down though. I need to work on communicating with a borderline. I think that I’m finally wholly convinced that she is without a doubt a pwBPD. This is my reality. I have no choice but to raise a child with a PD’d parent. I’m feeling pretty sad about it currently, but it is what it is. I’m not knocking her. It’s not her fault for what happened to her. I just wish that she could’ve been one that was able to break through it. She’ll be 32 soon. It’s not going to happen.

You’re right, I have been trying to co-parent and I need to stop. It’s not going to work. At least not at the age that he is. I also feel sad that I’m not able to raise him by his mother’s side with love and happiness.

I try to set the best example that I can for him. I try to give him a peaceful, calm and quiet atmosphere when he’s with me. I’m fairly certain it’s quite chaotic at his mom’s. I don’t know how she can work another man into having 2 kids with 2 different fathers and take in another that is pretty close to being a special needs child and work 2-3 part time jobs with no weekends off. It sounds overwhelming and I think I need to keep that in mind. She’s most likely stressed most of the time.

I give him all of the affections and validation that you mentioned. Sometimes he asks me, “Daddy, why do you kiss me all the time?”, in toddler speak of course. I tell him because I love him so much. He’s a really sweet boy. He’s good people. Turk, I think we might be similar as fathers. It’s hard to say since we only know each other in this dynamic, but we’re all about our kids.

I see what you’re saying about keeping things to myself. I think I understand that now. Only share what is necessary. I shouldn’t have reached out to her about his meltdown. This likely triggered her in some way. I think I get it now. Perhaps some things could’ve been avoided had I just dealt with the issue at hand and moved forward with our Son. The less I say, the less she is triggered and my life will be a little easier in that aspect. Thanks for pointing this out to me clearly.

Thanks for reaching out and allowing me to also sound off. I know that this isn’t really geared for this board, but I came here because of the resources that I know are here. Thank all of you for helping me out. A tremendous help it has been.

[Red5]

Mornin JNChell,

I'm up with the owls tonight... .

I am very sorry that you are going through this.

The above comment is correct, whats done is done, so keep moving forward.

I think things will cool off, strange, I just posted across the way about foo issues, and abusive in-laws... .

I think you need to compartmentalize this, go see your "T", and I would talk to a lawyer as well... .keep feelings out of this, as it was said topside, stop co-parenting.

If the ex has a new beau, then good for her, .there may come a point in time when "he" wants to spend more time with ex, so your S3 will be seeing more and more of you... .does this make sense... .

... .case in point, my uBPDw's foo, sister in law gets her grandson almost every weekens, due to her sons ex wanting to go party... .unfortunately the sis-in-lawss son isn't a very good dad, but that is a side show and a long story, but the fact is, his ex wants to "go to town", and she ain't got time for that boy, so he gets dropped off every weekend, with grampa... .and that is a good thing.

Your situation may go the same way.

Just lay low, calm down, and build some time... .and talk to a lawyer, this is what I would do.

I’m back to the same questions of “what if I’m a borderline?”. The crossover between C-PTSD and BPD is being clinically proven so it’s a no brainer to see and accept that I have traits. Are these traits fleas or are they permanent?

Its "fleas" man... .I've thought the same about myself... .this is just personal inventory, we live long enough with a pw/BPD, we are going to pick up the traits, if we don't educate ourselves... .does this make sense ?

If you are "wondering", ie' a personal inventory, then that a good thing... .whereas a real BPD'er wont do this, (denial)... .

You hang in there, go cold now... .don't talk to ex, or exMIL anymore... .get some good legal advise, and talk to your "T"... .move forwards, not backwards... .self sooth as required... .

Keep posting, we are out here listening Brother !

... ."steady as she goes Man!"

Red5

[itsmeSnap]

Hey JNChell

Sorry to hear times are rough for you.

I am not a father but I can imagine how you're feeling, my dad and I have had our issues but despite that there's always love showing through when things calm down, I see from him how you'd do anything to make things better for your son

I'm out of my element talking about such things, so I will not say anything other than I hope things get better. You are in good hands it seems, seeing how everyone has got your back and providing solid advice.

Stay strong.

[JNChell]

Good afternoon, Red. I’ve been hanging with the owls for the last few days as well. I slept a bit last night. Cuddled up with my boy on my friend’s couch. It was a good Christmas.

It turned out that this was a situational thing. Things have calmed down. S4’ s mom and I were able to be friendly with each other at the exchange. She was flirting a bit but has had a new man for a year. She looked really good.

I think that I provoked the subtleties. I got emotional and gave her an apology yesterday. I’m so torn when it comes to her.
I’ve been bargaining on a big level lately, and we haven’t had much contact.

What you’ve said makes sense. It’s just a fear I guess. Red
I appreciate you.

[JNChell]

Hi, Snap. It’s refreshing to read that your relationship with your dad is validating for you. I wish that I had your experience. Fortunately, I can step into reality and see my boy for the sweet child that he is. His childhood behaviors don’t trigger rages in me. They trigger solution finding and acceptance.

I don’t think that you’re out of your element in talking about theses things. I think you’re wise with experience and noble to interact.