BPD or Narcissism

[NeZ]

I found this forum while googling "daughters of narcissistic mothers support groups" but this site seems geared more towards BPD, is this the right place for me?

[once removed]

hi NeZ, and

if you have someone in your life with a personality disorder, or an impulse or mood disorder, this is the right place for you, and youve found a support group all right.

tell us a bit more about what brought you here and how we can best support you.

[NeZ]

Well,
I just had the Thanksgiving week from hell with my mother. When I described her behavior to one of my online friends they sent me a link about narcissistic mothers and when I read it a huge lightbulb went off in my mind and I suddenly recognized my mom for what she is. Now the question looming over me is, what do I do about it, and how do I heal the damage she's done to me.

[once removed]

its a relief and a revelation to learn there are names and explanations for our experiences, huh? it can also spur a lot of new questions.

what happened during Thanksgiving?

[JNChell]

Hey there, NeZ.   Welcome to the board. I’d like to echo once removed and say that you have landed in the right place. I’m sorry for the reasons that brought you here, but glad that you found us.

If you’re comfortable, can you tell us what happened over Thanksgiving? We can go to work from there.

NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) is a common topic around here. I see that your friend has introduced you to it. Most of the members here ended up here by finding a breadcrumb just like you. This support group and it’s members are a wealth of knowledge. We’re peer based and we support each other here. We’re all at different stages in our situations. I think that you’ll find it to be quite interesting here and encourage you to explore the site.

Can you describe the lightbulb that went off in your mind? We can help to guide you in what to do next with that piece of information.

[NeZ]

Well, it really goes back further than that (doesn't it always?) First off, I'm currently renting from my mother (which with my newfound knowledge I realize how insanely bad this idea is) but I live in the SLC, UT area and my mom lives in San Diego, so i only have to see her a few times a year. The last time she came up, a few months ago, she was extremely upset at the state of the house (admittedly it was a complete pigsty) and told me I had to have it cleaned up by Thanksgiving.
      I have a lot going on in my life including a teenage daughter with severe mental illness who has been hospitalized 5 or 6 times in the last 1-2yrs and is currently in a residential program, a husband with a multitude of health problems including diabetic ulcers on his feet that have kept him mostly bedridden for over a year and I have 2 other teenage daughters. We've been through a lot of hardship and trauma for a long time (I'm also an 11 yr survivor of stage IIIC inflammatory breast cancer)
     Long story short, I procrastinated working on the house until a few weeks before she was set to arrive. In those few weeks I accomplished A LOT. and when I realized that I wasn't going to be able to get everything done myself, I swallowed my pride and asked for help from ppl in my church. Basically I worked my ass off. But I didn't get every room perfect. There was one room that still needed some work. The problem? My mom is having the kitchen rewired and that room needs to be cleaned out so that the electrician can access the joists under the kitchen to install a new outlet. So my mom said she was going to come over and help clean.  
I told her No.
I told her I could do it myself.
I told her that if I needed help I could get it elsewhere.
I told her that having her there would just make it more stressful.
She would not take no for an answer.
After she arrived,  my husband and I had to leave to go to family therapy with my daughter in residential care. When we returned we found most of our possessions from that room piled up in the driveway, including my husband's mother's antiques and my original artwork. My husband completely lost it. He went in and started yelling asking why our stuff was in the driveway. I don't know all that was said because I was hiding in the bathroom.  But I know she threatened (again) to kick us out because "she could be renting it for a lot more than the deal she's giving us on it" and he basically called her bluff and told her we'd move back to Kansas. Then he came upstairs and told me it was my turn and I either needed to get her out of the house or get our stuff back into the basement. So I went down and ended up doing exactly what I didn't want to, which was cleaning the basement with my mom. Every time she started in with "you had 3 months to do this... ." I just said "stop talking" when it was finally done and everything was brought back in she couldn't stop talking about how great of a job She did and how grateful I should be that she came and helped me. Never once did she give any acknowledgement of any of the work I did on my own. Because "I had 3 months to do it so why should she be impressed"

[once removed]

youve got a lot on your plate, NeZ, and that was one high stress holiday. you mentioned you only see her a few times this year, what about the coming holidays?

Now the question looming over me is, what do I do about it, and how do I heal the damage she's done to me.

reaching out to a support group is certainly a great start. i hope youll stick around, and make yourself at home as part of the family here. as JNChell mentioned, we are a peer support group, and as you read and join in the threads of others, i think youll find that not only do you feel significantly less alone in your struggles, but it will keep you sharp when it comes to navigating conflict with your mother.

there is that lot on your plate though, and in terms of healing, i know this is a new revelation, but im wondering what the rest of your support system is like. are you able to lean on friends and family, your husband? are you seeing, or considering seeing a therapist for yourself?

[JNChell]

NeZ, this all sounds extremely stressful, and I’m sorry for that. It sounds like you have more than your fair share on your plate. I’m imagine that your time is quite limited, but do you have outside support in friends or family? It always helps to have 3rd parties to confide in when situations start to feel overwhelming.

I have a lot going on in my life including a teenage daughter with severe mental illness who has been hospitalized 5 or 6 times in the last 1-2yrs and is currently in a residential program, a husband with a multitude of health problems including diabetic ulcers on his feet that have kept him mostly bedridden for over a year and I have 2 other teenage daughters.

You must be very exhausted most of the time. This sounds like so much for one person to take on. Am I close to the mark in assuming that you don’t have much time for yourself? Also, does your daughter have a diagnosis? I imagine that that is hard to manage while keeping up with day to day things.

Do your other 2 daughters help you with things? It sounds like you’re constantly busy. How are you holding up?

[NeZ]

She's coming back for Christmas (yay.) Abd is expecting the electrical work to be done by then (I honestly don't know how realistic that is, but whatever) she's bringing with her the new hanging microwave she wants installed (because she's always wanted one in this house)
As far as a support network... my husband and I are a team when it comes to my mom, we don't always agree on everything, but we try to support each other.
      I don't really have a whole lot of other irl support other than my two younger brothers and to a lesser extent my extended family who all know how crazy she is. I'm just now learning that it's ok to ask for help.  But it's still very hard for me to trust ppl.
     I do have a couple of chat groups on Twitter that have become pretty close knit, and I feel comfortable venting to them about my life. But for the most part they can't give me much more than a sympathetic ear and a supportive atmosphere. They're great, but they just haven't been through the same kinds of things I have so they're not able to relate at that level.
     I do have a fantastic therapist that I've been seeing for awhile now and I even sent him a text with the link to the article on narcissistic mothers and told him I want to discuss this at our next session,  which is Wednesday.

[NeZ]

@JNChell
My daughter suffers from depression, generalized anxiety, social anxiety, PTSD, gender dysphoria, borderline eating disorder (it comes and goes) and possibly Dissociative Identity Disorder.  She's also high functioning autistic.
My other two daughters don't do a whole lot to help. I'm lucky if I can get them to do their chores. In an attempt to not be like my own mother, I have been perhaps, too mellow in my expectations of them.

[once removed]

I'm just now learning that it's ok to ask for help.

im learning the same lesson. i think its a strong, adult thing to do. it can feel kind of awkward saying "these are my needs/i need your help", ya know? and some of us have difficulty acknowledging, let alone expressing our needs.

I do have a fantastic therapist that I've been seeing for awhile now and I even sent him a text with the link to the article on narcissistic mothers and told him I want to discuss this at our next session,  which is Wednesday.

great. i hope youll let us know how it goes. there will likely be a lot to unpack.

As far as a support network... my husband and I are a team when it comes to my mom, we don't always agree on everything, but we try to support each other.

this is good news as well. have you talked to him about what youve learned?

there is time to prepare for christmas, and youll want to have some new tools and a plan in hand to navigate. we can certainly help with that.

any chance you can get some more help on the electrical work between now and then?

[NeZ]

As far as the electrical work, that's all on my mom. She's the one arranging for bids and looking at the different offers etc. All I have to do is make sure I'm home whenever she has someone scheduled to come over. She owns the house, I'm just the tenant. She just wants it all to he done before the end of the year for tax reasons. Although I'm sure if any hangups ensue, she'll find a way for it to be my fault.

[once removed]

so whats going on today NeZ? any update?

[JNChell]

Hey, NeZ. I hope you’re ok and along with once removed, curious about updates.

My daughter suffers from depression, generalized anxiety, social anxiety, PTSD, gender dysphoria, borderline eating disorder (it comes and goes) and possibly Dissociative Identity Disorder.  She's also high functioning autistic.

You certainly do have your hands full. Is all of this diagnosed by one doctor/therapist?

I’m glad to see that you have a great therapist in your corner. It’s priceless. It’s ok and healthy to realize that you’re not being like your mother when it comes to enforcing chores and household duties, amongst other things. Who could blame you for that? However, it sounds like you’re covered up and overwhelmed. Would you like your daughters to help out more? Would you like to find a healthy balance that allows you to focus more attention on the daughter that you described? In a nutshell, would you like to be a little more freed up? It’s possible and it sounds like you could use a little space in your day to day life.

[NeZ]

I've spent the past few days in bed. I needed a psychological reboot. I may have failed to mention that I also suffer from Bipolar type II (VERY compliant with my meds), Generalized Anxiety and Social Anxiety. So dealing with my mom tends to set me back a bit. I'm now back up and running and working on the next thing on my plate. I've been trying to limit contact with my mom, but I can't ignore her forever unfortunately.

[JNChell]

Thanks for being open about things. That takes courage and shows your self awareness and acceptance of the situation. I’m diagnosed with C-PTSD (complex post traumatic stress disorder).

I totally understand needing to take some time to reboot. I hope that you’re feeling a little more refreshed. So, having to keep a certain level of contact with your mom is necessary? Have you researched any of the tools on this site as far as communication goes? If not, would you like a link or two that might be helpful? I’m glad you’re posting, NeZ. Stick with us. Things are going to improve in time.

[NeZ]

Right now I'm totally stressing out over the stupid Utah Department of Workforce Services Case Review that I was supposed to have completed already. It's basically what determines whether my kids qualify for Medicaid, food stamps etc etc. Different states have different names for that department.
I originally pulled it up weeks ago, but couldn't figure out how to fill it out online and the printable version was like 20 pages long and my printer was out of ink. Then all this stuff happened with my mom and I forgot all about it until today.  And now of course my kids are going to lose their Medicaid if I don't get it finished ASAP. UGH.

[NeZ]

@JNChell
Unfortunately my mother is my landlord. Luckily, she lives in San Diego and I live in SLC so I only actually have to see her a few times a year. And I pay my rent to my grandpa. Until recently he was in charge of property management as well, but he's 92 now and just can't do it anymore. Now my mom has decided that the kitchen needs rewired (it does) so I've got to deal with her on that. My husband and I are in the early stages of contemplating moving back to Kansas where his family lives, and where I lived for 17 years, just so we don't have to deal with my mom anymore.

[JNChell]

Ok, NeZ. Let’s slow down here. Take some breaths and let’s figure this out. Together. Let’s shift the focus from your mom to what needs to happen for you and your kids. How can we do this? No mom right now. Agreed?

[Harri]

NeZ, hello!

You have a lot to deal with that's for sure.  Will you be able to focus on the paperwork you need to get done for your kids' Medicaid?  When is it due?

How can we help you focus?

[NeZ]

I finished filling out all the paperwork for my benefits. Can't do anything else about that until Monday. Then I need to call and make sure my kids do t lose their Medicaid while they're reviewing my case.

[NeZ]

Is there a way to post pics in here?

[JNChell]

NeZ, how do you feel about discussing ways to deal with your mom that will have a positive affect on you and your family?

[NeZ]

That would be fantastic.
Since Wednesday,
she called me 2x on Wed (I didn't answer) texted me 4x (after the 4th time I texted back that I was sick) and since then she's texted me 6 more times and called 2 more times. And I still haven't responded since I told her I was sick.

I asked if it's possible to post pics in here, because I wanted to post a screenshot of her texts.

[JNChell]

I’m not sure how to post pics here.

[JNChell]

Can you tell us what the texts were about and how they made you feel?

[JNChell]

Ok, NeZ. Here are some links to some helpful material on this site. Please read them and bring your thoughts and questions back to the group.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

https://bpdfamily.com/content/triggering-and-mindfulness-and-wise-mind

[NeZ]

Ok, since I can't just post the pic, I went thru and did a little recap of our interactions since Wednesday.  I wish I didn't have to talk to her at all.

[NeZ]

*Wednesday evening
>(calls twice, I don't answer)
-Hey call me-mom
-What do you think of the different individuals who came to give bids?-mom
*Thursday evening
-Hey-mom
-Sup-mom

-I'm sick-me

-Real sick?-mom
-Or just a cold?-mom
-I hope you feel better soon-mom

*Friday morning 7:53
>(calls I don't answer)
-Are you feeling better?-mom
-Are you working today?-mom
>(calls at 2:50pm I don't answer)
-Hey, call me-mom

[NeZ]

They don't sound aggressive I know, but it's the little unspoken things, you know?