Had a visit...

[conflicted55]

xSOwuBPD showed up unexpectedly, dropping off belongings.

Then 3 hours of character assasination. And unfortunately, yes, me defending myself from some horrendous vitriol! She is so angry at me. Accused me of all sorts of talking with family members and running her down... which I have not done. Pointing out that I had gone to the pics with a friend 2 weeks after splitting up. Isnt that what she wanted? For me to get on with my life? She was wearing my heart earings I had got her. I am definitely still split black. Crikey what she threw was unbelievable. And said she changed how she felt last xmas about me. Brought up the episodes where she was psychotic. Remebers things differently and says there is something wrong with my memory. Says she is not a liar but when I asked why she lied the last week we were in contact she said her ex insisted she pick her up but did not explain why she lied to me about it.
Says she did not finish with me to be with the ex and they are not together. But abit later in the conversation said that they will see maybe later they will get together.

Suspect the ex gave her an ultimatum to dump my stuff on the drive as last year when we had a hiccup (the ex trying to force her way back in) that is what the ex wanted. Says she is not in love with the ex and cant say how she feels about me. All the while obvious she has the ex on a pedestal and I am below the kerb. She told me she had put the ring that I had bought her in with my belongings. This did upset me and I cried but she did not seem phased. That weird coldness they have like it does not register.

I had a sense she was wanting to find out if I had badmouthed her to all and sundry and what had I said. I had a sense she was protecting the ex. When I said I had not had closure she said she did not want everything to be laid at her door. Said we should never have got together, we should never have stayed together after last year. Everything was negative yet she accused me of being negative, controlling, etc etc. I know projection, and then she even accused me of projecting onto her. Said I deliberately got in her head, that I intentionally messed with her head. Crikey, it was like she was making me out to be somebody else, like she had forgotten who I was. It was horrible. I was painted as if I was the most evil woman on the planet. 
I couldnt validate her, I was too busy defending. I did try at times to validate, but she would quickly go onto another subject. The subject matter was all over the place. Dropping the stuff off was about control... .she felt as I had not responded to her email that I was deliberately forcing her to keep my stuff at hers and that was my plan. Couldnt possibly be because I am struggling and the email was abusive and I was debating whether to get a solicitor involved.
Well after the lies she told me some family members are saying I said, I am definitely getting a solicitor.
I feel wound up... doubt I will get sleep tonite.
She was even more aggressive than last time she did this. Is she pissed off as I havent gone chasing after her? Or is it the control element? Why was she wearing the earings I bought her as normally when we fell out she would not normally wear them. Or is she just trying to put me off the scent of her and the ex as she does not want family/people thinking badly of her? She has told 3 of her colleagues we have finished. She says she does not feel good around me that I make her feel like a bad person. Says she will never be good enough for me. Says she cant give me anything. If she lived with me she would not just want to be my floosy (funny choice of words). I have a house and she does not. I wish I had recorded the conversation. She said money is still tight, she had to borrow some from her mother.
I did say to her that I felt that I have been shafted for the last year. And it would not look good if it came out that her and the ex had shafted me all that time. It was left that we would meet at some time in the future to talk in a less emotional state at a neutral place to get some closure. But she did not want to do this until after xmas. ? I would prefer to do it before xmas... so i wonder if this was just to fob me off.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[conflicted55]

And also said with a lot of venom that I was a dangerous person! 

[Harri]

Hi.

Then 3 hours of character assasination.

How did this happen?  Can you think of a way you could have stopped this as soon as she started?  Why did you listen to her for three hours?

I am not being snarky when I ask the above questions, I am sincerely curious about your thoughts.  I think digging there might help you.

[conflicted55]

Hi Harri, thank you for responding.
She turned up unexpectly and started dumping things by my garage making a racket. So I opened the door and was not impressed to see her. I was not ready. She was angry when she arrived and started raising her voice out on my drive. I did not want this in front of the neighbours so asked her into the hall way.
She launched pretty quickly into a verbal attack saying I was dangerous and got inside her head, She was right in my face... so aggressive. I was taken aback and found myself defending. My emotions were already raised as I did not want to see her. She then quoted what members of her family were saying... that I had said stuff, which was definitely untrue. At the time I was unsure whether she was stirring it or the family members were covering their own backs and misquoting me. Fortunately, I recalled having recorded one of the conversations so I offered her the chance to listen to it.
How could I have handled it differently? Not opened my door... pretend to be out. Not invited her into my hall way. Sat and listened without responding/defending. Asked her to leave when she began dysregulating. If I had not have been on the back foot... perhaps I could have tried to remain calm and validate. ( I was not happy she had turned up to dump my stuff without any notice.) But she was so angry... .and she seemed to jump to another subject and attack once I had put out the previous fire.
I was indignant that family members were lying! Still I only have her word.
What is this anger about? Why is she so angry at me? Even at the end she said she was really angry with me. I did ask if the anger was all for me or was it anger that she also had for the ex when they split up and it was getting dumped on me. Dont think I got an answer.

[conflicted55]

I suppose I also wanted to talk with her now she had turned up unexpectedly. Have not seen her for approx. five weeks. Did not expect her to be so angry... well it was a full rage. A car kept pulling up opposite my house and I wondered if it was the ex keeping an eye.
I have not been good today. Its like seeing her has set me back 5 weeks.

[Harri]

Hi.

Okay, so next time will you listen to her for 3 hours? 

There is little you can do to be heard when someone is as dysregulated as she sounds.  The best bet it to walk away.  Trying to reason, talk, understand is not going to work conflicted55.  Don't JADE and boundaries come to mind. 

What is your goal with her?

[conflicted55]

To sit down somewhere neutral and say my piece, hopefully get some questions answered.

[Harri]

Okay.  I can relate to wanting to be heard and getting answers for your questions.  It is frustrating to not have answers and to not understand what happened.  It hurts.

The thing is, you may not get any answers or any straight answers at least it is not going to happen any time soon.  It definitely is not going to happen during a 3 hour rage.  So why not work on starting to detach?  Get yourself to a point where you are not devastated by a visit and you no longer want to hide out in your house?   What you have been doing is not healthy and it is not working.   I think time and increasing emotional distance is going to be important.   You are not going to get help with that here on this board though.  You would on Detaching.  I am saying that out of concern for you.  

[conflicted55]

I understand what you are saying Harri. I feel I have a foot in two camps. One is hanging onto the hope that the relationship is not out of reach. The other is heading towards detaching. There were a few contradictory msgs from her the other evening. And I think is this really what she wants? To walk away? Or is she hoping I will chase her and win her back. Confused.

[Harri]

Hi, and thanks for coming back to this.

Yep, you definitely sound conflicted.  So I think the way to go is to head over to the conflicted board which has a different focus than the Bettering board.

I feel I have a foot in two camps. One is hanging onto the hope that the relationship is not out of reach. The other is heading towards detaching. There were a few contradictory msgs from her the other evening. And I think is this really what she wants? To walk away? Or is she hoping I will chase her and win her back. Confused.

  Your focus is on what she wants and my focus is on what you want.  Are you saying that if she wants to get back with you that you would say yes?

[conflicted55]

Her visit earlier in the week has set me back as if the breakup has only just happened. So I cant get her out of my mind. Whether its something in me that wants to prove I am worthy enough by being able to get back with her? (could be the inner child who is wanting to be visible). Sometimes I feel strong and think just keep on walking. And sometimes I am weak and its the opposite. Common sense and the heart are definitely conflicted.

If she asked I would be tempted but on certain conditions.

[Harri]

What conditions? 

And I mean for her and for you.  ;)

[conflicted55]

For both of us, being treated with respect, no lies, communicating, helping and supporting one another equally, a greater attempt at understanding the other, less manipulation. No gaslighting ideally.

[Harri]

Those sound like good goals.

Do you think she would be capable of doing those things currently? 

[conflicted55]

I don't know. If she is still incredibly angry... probably not. If she is being her ex's puppet, definitely not. I have to go to the fracture clinic Monday morning so am going to concentrate on that and will leave dealing with her to another time.

[Harri]

Good luck at the doctors visit.

[conflicted55]

Thank you Harri.