Triggered by Facebook

[longwayfromhome]

So yesterday I'd just 'jumped' out of work to help my significant other with something, we went home all smiles and positivity, and I went out to continue with work.  I received a message from my 8 year old asking to buy some medicine for our 2 year old who had a cough.  Sure enough I did as instructed and also went to the supermarket to buy some peas (she loves them so it's a great way to smuggle vitamin c into her).  My wife learned of this and went NUTS... .no need to come home,  why do you like the supermarket so much, are you flirting with the promotion girls (needless, to say my mind was SO far away from this as I was focused on that warm family feeling as I envisaged cooking healthy food for them)... .After she managed to calm down over an hour later (after a barrage of insults), it emerged as I suspected that she'd just read a post on Facebook with a video of a mistress being confronted by family etc.  She spends an unhealthy amount of time on Facebook / Youtube reading all this doom and gloom (as well as dealing with sibling issues and dramas), and I realise, more often than not frequently projects the transgressions of others onto me (usually when I'm feeling loved up and feeling maybe there's a glimmer of hope).

Just interested in the experience of others here.

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[Beneck]

Hey! Welcome!

I can't say that this was the case with my ex, as I cannot know for sure. But I wouldn't be surprised if it were as she was occasionally very insecure.

She spends an unhealthy amount of time on Facebook / Youtube reading all this doom and gloom (as well as dealing with sibling issues and dramas), and I realise, more often than not frequently projects the transgressions of others onto me (usually when I'm feeling loved up and feeling maybe there's a glimmer of hope).

Do you find this to be a persistent problem in your relationship? If so, how does it affect you?

[longwayfromhome]

Hey! Welcome!

I can't say that this was the case with my ex, as I cannot know for sure. But I wouldn't be surprised if it were as she was occasionally very insecure.

Do you find this to be a persistent problem in your relationship? If so, how does it affect you?

Thanks for the welcome, yes the triggers rain down randomly and I've noticed over the years that there's a strong correlation with whatever she's experienced during the day (online or offline).  She spends a LOT of time on her phone and can zone out even when the kids are crying (and will get angry with them for 'crying for no reason').  The affect on me is that I will experience unexpected, out of the blue outbursts from my other half which are upsetting and wear me down.  I haven't figured out what the long term impact is.

[Bnonymous]

Hi longwayfrom home,

I wonder why she watches and reads content like this... .I'm wondering if, maybe, it's almost validating for her in a sense... .Like, if she's suffering from abandonment fears which make her scared that you'll cheat but also knows she has no basis for the worries, maybe there is something darkly comforting about seeing it on the internet, because then she can say to herself "See, I'm not irrational - these things do happen all the time!". Just an idea. What do you think?

Have you been able to talk to her about any of this and probe into her reasons for watching/reading content that triggers her?

[longwayfromhome]

Hi longwayfrom home,

I wonder why she watches and reads content like this... .I'm wondering if, maybe, it's almost validating for her in a sense... .Like, if she's suffering from abandonment fears which make her scared that you'll cheat but also knows she has no basis for the worries, maybe there is something darkly comforting about seeing it on the internet, because then she can say to herself "See, I'm not irrational - these things do happen all the time!". Just an idea. What do you think?

Have you been able to talk to her about any of this and probe into her reasons for watching/reading content that triggers her?

Yes I'm sure it's all about validation.  Unfortunately too because of the poor standard of education she received growing up in a very religious but also superstitious culture, she was never 'trained' to introspect nor made aware of the basics around critically analysing information, evidence based thinking etc... etc...   So Facebook feeds an addiction for validation as well as escape. It also is a wonderful means of repeated confirmation bias for her deepest fears and suspicions.  Combine that with a diagnosis of an inability to control impulses and it's a heady recipe for getting lost in 'rabbit holes' of unhealthy thoughts and feelings.  She also posts a remarkable number of selfies which is all part of the overall condition.

On the occasions when she goes mad at me for whatever transgression I'm alleged to have done, she then rigorously removes any photo references to our relationship on Facebook (marriage / family photos), until she's oscillated back (sometimes weeks later), to happiness.