Looking for more insight into c-ptsd/ptsd

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi, it's kind of a relief to talk to people who have experience with PTSD/C-PTSD.

First can you tell me if this is how it feels or if this is relatable

Extreme intense pain over recollections and thoughts.

I guess  I'm just checking if people relate to how horrible it feels. It's like otherworldly bad.

And I guess that's it. I try to do a lot of breathing and mindfulness and turning the channel. Maybe I'll start a separate thread for useful methods for coping etc but for now are people experiencing this level of pain?

I should also mention it's not continual. I had a good week and then two full blown trauma days. Felt better today and now woke up like this again. When I'm not in a place of trauma I feel fine. It's so awful. Sorry I just repeated myself so many times it's seriously like in this state my writting abilities are affected.

[Stillstruggling]

Hi, it's kind of a relief to talk to people who have experience with PTSD/C-PTSD.

First can you tell me if this is how it feels or if this is relatable

Extreme intense pain over recollections and thoughts.

I guess  I'm just checking if people relate to how horrible it feels. It's like otherworldly bad.

And I guess that's it. I try to do a lot of breathing and mindfulness and turning the channel. Maybe I'll start a separate thread for useful methods for coping etc but for now are people experiencing this level of pain?

I should also mention it's not continual. I had a good week and then two full blown trauma days. Felt better today and now woke up like this again. When I'm not in a place of trauma I feel fine. It's so awful. Sorry I just repeated myself so many times it's seriously like in this state my writting abilities are affected.

[Kwamina]

Hi Stillstruggling

I've already seen you on one of our other boards and now I want to give you a warm welcome to our PSI board

PTSD or c-PTSD can be quite difficult to deal with. Could you tell us a bit more about the events in your life and experiences that you believe have contributed to your PTSD/c-PTSD?

I am sorry you are feeling extreme pain at times. Breathing techniques, medidation and mindfullness are good examples of tools that can help you cope. When you consider the pain you feel, can you relate it to any specific thoughts or memories going through your mind?

The Board Parrot

[HappyChappy]

I should also mention it's not continual.

If you are stressed, c-PTSD is more prevalent. Also if you are triggered (i.e. the painful memories you referred to) it comes to the forefront. But its telling you, that your underlying fearful thoughts need to change, as the danger is no long there.

I’d like to join my feathered friend in welcoming you to the board. Like many on here I also suffered from c-PTSD. In fact its second only to eating disorders as aliments we children of BPD seem to inevitably pick up.

Please do give us examples of behaviour and struggles c-PTSD gives you, as that helps others hang their thoughts on something. c-PTSD is an fear and anxiety thing. So the memories you talk about, are often called flashbacks , and they are painful, like reliving it. The hight of c-PTSD fear, has  been likened to the fear you experience if you believe you are about to die. If you’ve seen Faulty Towers, Basil (John Clease)  acts a bit c-PTSD but to great comic effect.
 
Like you I've found this forum very helpful , just to point out this outer-worldy s
CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) is the preferred solution (in the UK) have you explored talking Therapies before ?

[Recycle]

 

I am standing with you. I'm just starting to connect the dots about symptoms I am having and how they relate to C-PTSD. I, like you, feel fine when not triggered or stressed. But, can easily get sad and feel fear when a trigger comes along - even though there is nothing wrong. Thank you for sharing with us. I will be following the responses here!

Oh - I'm also about to start reading this book: Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A GUIDE AND MAP FOR RECOVERING FROM CHILDHOOD TRAUMA by Pete Walker

[Stillstruggling]

When you consider the pain you feel, can you relate it to any specific thoughts or memories going through your mind

The pain is only attached to thoughts and memories. It's always about how close I am to those things. I woke up this morning feeling okay again. I had a horrible night. I was okay yesterday but I had two days before that where I wasn't.  I guess some of the things that are difficult for me to process are certain concepts. Like how could they do blank for example. I'm really not sure if it's a good ides to make myself vulnerable on a message board. It seems I am struggling with some kind of acute trauma again and of course everything is sensitive around itt right now I can be flung into days of suffering If I'm not careful and a well meaning person says something that is not the best. Or even a non well meaning person.

[Stillstruggling]

Oh - I'm also about to start reading this book: Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A GUIDE AND MAP FOR RECOVERING FROM CHILDHOOD TRAUMA by Pete Walker

Hi. Thanks. Yeah when I look back on the five years I was suffering very badly and thinking in retrospect  about what I should have done differently i think I should try to beef up on my skills while I'm doing well. Can you explain what cbt concepts you use? I'm not sure I totally understand what cbt is and how it works.

[Stillstruggling]

If you are stressed, c-PTSD is more prevalent. Also if you are triggered (i.e. the painful memories you referred to) it comes to the forefront. But its telling you, that your underlying fearful thoughts need to change, as the danger is no long there.

In fact its second only to eating disorders as aliments we children of BPD seem to inevitably pick up.

Please do give us examples of behaviour and struggles c-PTSD gives you, as that helps others hang their thoughts on something. c-PTSD is an fear and anxiety thing. So the memories you talk about, are often called flashbacks , and they are painful, like reliving it. The hight of c-PTSD fear, has  been likened to the fear you experience if you believe you are about to die.

There was a trigger on Sunday but I'm not under more stress than usual.

I'm not sure the pain feels like fear. It also doesn't feel like sadness. It kind of feels like attempting to process something that causes too many emotions. Like if someone does something crap it to you but it's not that bad and you can take it. Its like if that action were 10 times worse and you really can't process it. I think there is anger in it. But more a sense of how could they. Yeah I guess it feels like processing something that is too much to process. It's like say somebody who you cared about took a family heirloom from a deceased relative something that had value to you and meant something and then destroyed it by smearing it sort of sacrilegiously and you are hurt by the significance. That is sort of the feeling but magnified. Like it's too much for you to process. I don't think it's fear but yet I can identify a fear behind it. Should I try to work on that fear?

And so does the way I explain that feeling sound like an emotional flashback?

Also is it possible to explain some cbt techniques?

[Kwamina]

Hi Stillstruggling

It might help to take a look at this thread:
Dealing with trauma: PTSD, C-PTSD and emotional flashbacks

Pete Walker describes emotional flashbacks like this:

A significant percentage of adults who suffered ongoing abuse or neglect in childhood suffer from Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. One of the most difficult features of this type of PTSD is extreme susceptibility to painful emotional flashbacks. Emotional flashbacks are sudden and often prolonged regressions ('amygdala hijackings' to the frightening circumstances of childhood. They are typically experienced as intense and confusing episodes of fear and/or despair - or as sorrowful and/or enraged reactions to this fear and despair. Emotional flashbacks are especially painful because the inner critic typically overlays them with toxic shame, inhibiting the individual from seeking comfort and support, isolating him in an overwhelming and humiliating sense of defectiveness.
... .
Because most emotional flashbacks do not have a visual or memory component to them, the triggered individual rarely realizes that she is re-experiencing a traumatic time... .
... .
Flashbacks strand clients in the feelings of danger, helplessness and hopelessness of their original abandonment... .

In his work, Pete Walker also mentions steps we can take to help manage emotional flashbacks and also so-called inner critic attacks. In his work on c-PTSD the word 'fear' appears a lot, one of his steps to manage emotional flashbacks contains this line: "Feel the fear in your body without reacting to it. Fear is just an energy in your body that cannot hurt you if you do not run from it or react self-destructively to it."

I'm really not sure if it's a good ides to make myself vulnerable on a message board. It seems I am struggling with some kind of acute trauma again and of course everything is sensitive around itt right now I can be flung into days of suffering If I'm not careful and a well meaning person says something that is not the best. Or even a non well meaning person.

Processing and healing from trauma is a delicate endeavor and feeling safe is essential for healing. So take your time and share what you are comfortable with. I think just going through the resources about c-PTSD can already be quite helpful, as a good starting point for your new or continued healing journey

The Board Parrot

[HappyChappy]

And so does the way I explain that feeling sound like an emotional flashback?

Also is it possible to explain some cbt techniques?

The fear or anxiety is a common symptom and the F.O.G. a BPD peddles a common route cause. But this is all on a spectrum, also CPTSD tends to get worse if not treated, hopefully you’ve caught it early. My BPD and NPD were physically violent (until I learn't Judo) which is where my fear comes from. But no one has punched me since leaving home, so thats not a health fear anymore.
 
CBT is quiet involved, so you would need a good book or therapist to guide you. Its also helpful even if you don't have CPTSD. But  in essence its about identifying the triggers, then following the memories to root causes, root beliefs. Then replacing any unhelpful beliefs with healthy ones. The lessons we learn’t as children have become subcontious, and hence its very difficult to see why we get anxious when we should not.  It also means the dysfunction is well hidden. So for example a War vertron should have felt fear on the battle field. Thats normal, but back home when they hear a car back fire - not helpful. With Children of BPD parents, the dysfunctional beliefs were laid over 16 - 18 years typically, so it takes us longer to reprogram, than say someone who had 6 months of abuse. There is an online (probably free) CBT course
somewhere on this forum.

This forum is very good at pointing out what a healthy reaction should be and validating the anxiety we feel, which is also healing. I hope this helps. Peace be with you.  

[Stillstruggling]

I guess I'm just not sure I entirely relate to that. My childhood had stessful elements it did not have abusive elements. My sister hated me when I was young but I didn't take it personally. Then out of nowhere she loved me like I was her child at a certain point it was frankly a little weird and  gave me preferential treatment. The worst part of my childhood was not my sister.  School presented a level of anxiety to me I couldn't cope with and I developed ocd. . It was the embarrassment of my parents fighting and people hearing. That was the first part of my childhood and later my parents were divorced and so my home life became less stessful. When I think of my childhood I think of stress but it was not abusive but there was some chronic stress. My sister married a narcissist is what happened. So my sister in and of herself was not a horrible thing in childhood.

So basically I injured her and her husband when I confronted then about some of their behaviours. And that's really what happened to me. It wasn't even that bad of a thing to have triggered all of this trauma. I have identified why it was traumatic but still it seems like brain over reacted.

Also before this happened I never even had depression. I've always worked hard to be emotionally healthy and process everything and I think it was an area of my life that I was proud of.

I had a relationship when I was 20 that was pretty not right. But I feel like my parents installed a type of self worth in me that allowed me to come out of it okay.

So I guess there was a lot of childhood stress but not childhood abuse and I was emotionally healthy up until this happened...

I guess PTSD fits all of my symptoms. And it makes everything make sense. The only thing that doesn't fit is that what happened should not have caused me trauma but it did.

Also is it possible to link to the area where the cbt stuff is? Also do you have any book recommendations for cbt and trauma?  Thank you

[Stillstruggling]

Found the online cbt thing

[Harri]

Hi.  I am glad you posted.  As you can see by all the responses you are not alone.  A lot of us here are fans of the Pete Walker book someone already mentioned.  He also has a website that you might want to check out: 
https://tinyurl.com/ybzwbv5n  The thread that kwamina (Parrot) linked here is also excellent to read through and post in.

I'm really not sure if it's a good ides to make myself vulnerable on a message board. It seems I am struggling with some kind of acute trauma again and of course everything is sensitive around itt right now I can be flung into days of suffering If I'm not careful and a well meaning person says something that is not the best. Or even a non well meaning person.

   I can relate to your hesitation about posting on a message board.  I too did not want to be vulnerable and bring up lots of stuff.  I thought I had worked through it all anyway.  Over time though as I kept reading and posting to others, it made it a bit easier for me to open up.  The people here were quite supportive and very sensitive about not pushing me into areas I was not ready to go.  Rather they worked with me where I was.  If they asked a question and I did not answer it, they did not harp on it... .they just walked along beside me.  It is a good idea to have a therapist if you can, but I could not for the longest time and I did okay using the self care skills I already had (but I learned more as I spent time here).  Triggering is to be expected when working on trauma so I was prepared and i think being prepared mentally helped me.   Regardless, posting here and taking the risk was the best thing I ever did in terms of healing and getting better, even more so than therapy in some ways.

Sometimes there is no obvious abuse in a persons past to 'justify' PTSD but the behaviors and symptoms fit.  That is okay.  We can't change the past but we can change ourself and that is all that is important.   Another thing to consider is emotional neglect, or emotional abuse.  It can be very subtle so when you feel up to it, research the topic.  I have no idea if that applies, it just popped into my head when I was reading this thread and your other threads on the detaching board.  It does not matter how we got to where we are, at least not past a certain point.  It really is all about us.

The only thing that doesn't fit is that what happened should not have caused me trauma but it did.

Do you compare what happened to you against others? 

OCD is related to anxiety.  So is PTSD.  It is possible you have an anxious personality.  Nothing wrong with that.  Parents fighting a lot and then being very aware of others hearing it on top of having a hard time in school?  That is a lot of stress for a kid to deal with.  A lot.  Being around parents fighting a lot and the stress and tension in the house is going to affect a kid... .heck it will affect even adults but kids are far less equipped to deal with it.  I am not saying your parents were abusive, but I am saying that the environment may have been stressful and the relationship difficulties of your parents may have left little time for validating you in the way you needed.

Just a bunch of guesses there.  I think my point is that lots of things can contribute to cPTSD symptoms.  What matters is addressing the symptoms and learning to manage them.

Glad you posted.

[Stillstruggling]

Thanks for responding. I'm sorry I probably am not being the best on this forum. I feel like I'm probably not doing a good enough job of lsitening and I'm sorry. I'm just kind of scattered and a little impaired right now. So seriously thank you and sorry.

I just don't know that it's c-ptsd. I relate to people who are struggling with symptoms. And I relate to being adrift in trauma land. But I just don't feel like I had enough childhood problems. My parents are both great and always made me feel loved and valued.

I think when I look back at my parents arguing I find it interesting that what concerned me was the embarrassment. I think in my genetic make up or something there is something about embarrassment that I see is something I feel strongly about.

When analyzing my childhood I always look for things that stand out to me. Sometimes things happen that should be hard but they are not. Other times things that should not be hard are. I think it's the things that stand out to you that are important.

The only thing that stands out to me from my childhood were the things I mentioned. Mostly switching school and that being hard on me. All my tough memories are with school peers or just fearing school peers. And that really is all that stands out to me and that stands out to me a lot.

So anyway I guess I'm just saying that Im not sure  c-ptsd fits because I don't relate. I think maybe anxiety weakened me as a person. After all stress is  a factor in develping a multitude of things.

[Harri]

Hiya.

Please do not apologize.  We get it here plus you are doing just fine on this forum.  It is not easy to talk about this stuff especially when you are unsure of several things.   

 

I'm sorry I probably am not being the best on this forum. I feel like I'm probably not doing a good enough job of lsitening and I'm sorry. I'm just kind of scattered and a little impaired right now. So seriously thank you and sorry.

Well the good news is we are all talking and labels don't matter all that much.  It is okay if you feel scattered and impaired.  It will pass.  Can you link the feelings to anything? 

It is good that you are clear on how your parents treated you.  I agree that the things that stand out are important so I am glad you talked about them. 

Woolspinner2000, another staff and board member will often stop and ask herself how old she feels when she is feeling triggered or off.   It is the feelings that are important and if you can get an approximate age to attach to your feeling it can help you know what you need to self soothe.

What do you think?

[JNChell]

Hey, Stillstruggling. Glad to see you on this board. I hope that I didn’t overlook this within the thread, but C-PTSD will manifest itself differently in different individuals. I’m not trying to sway you one way or another, but it shows up in many different ways. There are several different symptoms and they don’t all present themselves in the same way, if at all, in every sufferer. I’m clinically diagnosed and my biggest symptom is reactivity. Just out of curiosity, have you ever taken the ACE (adverse childhood experiences) test? Here’s a link if you’re interested in seeing what it’s about.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=280739.0

You’re getting great feedback here, so I’ll step aside now.

[Turkish]

So anyway I guess I'm just saying that Im not sure  c-ptsd fits because I don't relate.

Many here,  including myself, search to self diagnose.  Maybe you are,  maybe you aren't,  but you are welcome here. 

You've certainly described things in the past that triggered you and that you may carry with you. 

Abuse can be hard to pin down.  While we do get members whose family lives read like Mommy Dearest, there are those of us who question whether we were abused, and those of us in-between. Emotional neglect affects children negatively as well,  and shouldn't be discounted as "not trauma."

Your relationship with your sister changed in a big way,  and having a narcissist for a brother-in-law isn't a small thing.  Speaking of that,  how is he a narcissist?

[Stillstruggling]

I'm writting this shaking because I had to go this property I'm working on that is near landmarks. I have a tension in my neck and I'm shaking. These are the times I'm like this is trauma.

I just didn't have a bad childhood however an ex told me something I find telling. He said when I used to tell him about my junior high school exerience it would almost scare him because he had never seen me so angry. And I remember about once a year or so I would go deeply into thinking about it. It would last a couple or a few days. I would struggle with not blaming my mom for making the decision to relocate after a major life event like divorce. I would in a couple days emerge okay and realize I can't blame my mom who never intended anything bad.

So I do think it was that experience that was a predecessor for later trauma. I don't know if anyone is interested but here is the prognosis of myself after nothing but reflection.

My school was full of bullys and bullying and nothing was done about it. I saw kids get bullied everyday. I was more afraid if getting bullied than I was bullied I think. Although I was bullied at times.

I also at the same time was an incredibly anxious child and maybe prone to self conscious anyway.

So I think I was preconditioned to care too much about the smearing that comes with narcissistic abuse. I think that's my weakness. Back when my sister was doing it I literally had people telling me your sister is crazy who cares what she thinks.

I also have a very hard time dispelling false.critcism from my head.

So I think this is why I experienced this like PTSD. I think I already had some groundwork inside me. And I think there is something in my chemistry and history that makes me vulnerable to the things that hurt me and causes PTSD.

It is also my hope that there might be a type of PTSD that isn't actual ptsd but a short term version of something with similar symptoms  that comes from the mind a scramble of dealing with cluster B.

And also my sister and her husband. He is a covert narcissist. It's like my sister became the overt narcissist. I realize now she might just be very codependent but it's like she became a narcissist too. I vouch to my family that it's really not her, it's her husband. But she is so overt seeming not even my family believes me. I think they believe he is NPD. But it's like they think my sister's behaviours are all her. But they aren't. It's like she has become brainwashed by him. Her other close friends from childhood and I'm talking people who were like sisters have also gone NC.

My sister had always held grudges agaist my parents and my parents had a hard time with her. This caused my sister to do things that made it hard for my parente to be close to her. She would push them
away and then want them to be close  My sister had a very different childhood experience than me. She found my parents invalidating and she was very hurt by the divorce.

I was alway close with my sister so I'm like the only one who sees this isn't just her

[Harri]

Hi.   

Dealing with being triggered is very hard and a good thing to do is talk about it with people who get it, which you are doing.  You have been doing a lot of hard work here and it shows, not just in how you are feeling right now, but in everything you have been writing about.  You are making connections and that is half the battle. 

When I feel like you describe, I have to remind myself to breathe.  When triggered, I actually hold my breath and take very shallow breaths when I do breathe and it does not help with feeling all weird in my head!  So check and make sure you are taking deep breaths.  Feeling all woozy and dizzy from lack of oxygen is a big clue for me that I am triggered and I need to breathe.    Does that happen to you?

Regardless of what may be causing the emotional flashbacks there are things you can do to actively manage them and talk yourself through (tho keep talking here with us of course).  Let's see if any of these help you.  BTW, don't feel you have to do all of them at once.  Take it slow.  If you just want to talk right now, I am here and so are others.   


MANAGING FLASHBACKS from Pete Walker

Say to yourself: "I am having a flashback". Flashbacks take us into a timeless part of the psyche that feels as helpless, hopeless and surrounded by danger as we were in childhood. The feelings and sensations you are experiencing are past memories that cannot hurt you now.

Remind yourself: "I feel afraid but I am not in danger! I am safe now, here in the present." Remember you are now in the safety of the present, far from the danger of the past.

Own your right/need to have boundaries. Remind yourself that you do not have to allow anyone to mistreat you; you are free to leave dangerous situations and protest unfair behavior.

Speak reassuringly to the Inner Child. The child needs to know that you love her unconditionally- that she can come to you for comfort and protection when she feels lost and scared.

Deconstruct eternity thinking: in childhood, fear and abandonment felt endless - a safer future was unimaginable. Remember the flashback will pass as it has many times before.

Remind yourself that you are in an adult body with allies, skills and resources to protect you that you never had as a child. (Feeling small and little is a sure sign of a flashback)

Ease back into your body. Fear launches us into 'heady' worrying, or numbing and spacing out.
  [a] Gently ask your body to Relax: feel each of your major muscle groups and softly encourage them to relax. (Tightened musculature sends unnecessary danger signals to the brain)
  b. Breathe deeply and slowly. (Holding the breath also signals danger).
  [c] Slow down: rushing presses the psyche's panic button.
  [d] Find a safe place to unwind and soothe yourself: wrap yourself in a blanket, hold a stuffed animal, lie down in a closet or a bath, take a nap.
  [e] Feel the fear in your body without reacting to it. Fear is just an energy in your body that cannot hurt you if you do not run from it or react self-destructively to it.

Resist the Inner Critic's Drasticizing and Catastrophizing:
  [a] Use thought-stopping to halt its endless exaggeration of danger and constant planning to control the uncontrollable. Refuse to shame, hate or abandon yourself. Channel the anger of self-attack into saying NO to unfair self-criticism.
  b. Use thought-substitution to replace negative thinking with a memorized list of your qualities and accomplishments
Allow yourself to grieve. Flashbacks are opportunities to release old, unexpressed feelings of fear, hurt, and abandonment, and to validate - and then soothe - the child's past experience of helplessness and hopelessness. Healthy grieving can turn our tears into self-compassion and our anger into self-protection.

Cultivate safe relationships and seek support. Take time alone when you need it, but don't let shame isolate you. Feeling shame doesn't mean you are shameful. Educate your intimates about flashbacks and ask them to help you talk and feel your way through them.

Learn to identify the types of triggers that lead to flashbacks. Avoid unsafe people, places, activities and triggering mental processes. Practice preventive maintenance with these steps when triggering situations are unavoidable.

Figure out what you are flashing back to. Flashbacks are opportunities to discover, validate and heal our wounds from past abuse and abandonment. They also point to our still unmet developmental needs and can provide motivation to get them met.

Be patient with a slow recovery process: it takes time in the present to become un-adrenalized, and considerable time in the future to gradually decrease the intensity, duration and frequency of flashbacks. Real recovery is a gradually progressive process (often two steps forward, one step back), not an attained salvation fantasy. Don't beat yourself up for having a flashback.

[Stillstruggling]

Thank you harri for that. I will try to go over that again and again to see what I can gleam. The thing that triggered me was returning back from home and feeling good and then I went to this event and I've been trying to keep a low profile in public because I'm really paranoid now being out in public because I fear smearing. And then I thought there was a group of three people who were looking at me and laughing and that one girl was trying to get a better look at me. I dont even know if it's accurate but the image of people laughing. It both brought it home how I can't feel good in my environment anymore. I helped my friend with BPD move here and now there is like an irony in the fact that I did that for him to get out of.his rut. Shared this great place and now I can't feel comfortable here. It doesn't matter but he aughed at me when I finally cracked and it's that callousness.

It doesn't matter but that must have been very bad for me. That event on Sunday. Mind you I'm having a bad time anyway.

I'm just in a lot of pain again and back to good days and bad days

[Turkish]

I've been trying to keep a low profile in public because I'm really paranoid now being out in public because I fear smearing. And then I thought there was a group of three people who were looking at me and laughing and that one girl was trying to get a better look at me. I dont even know if it's accurate but the image of people laughing

It sounds like the bullying you referred to may be a significant trigger for strong emotions.  What do you think?

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi stillstruggling! 

Welcome to our board! I see that Harri dropped my name in this thread so I figured I should pop in.   So much of what you shared reminds me of some of my own experiences. I can tell you really want to figure this out and understand. I hear it in each word you write, and I am so very glad that you care enough about yourself to want to figure it out.

To start with, can you slow down a moment, enough to do one thing. Take time to listen to your body and note when it is speaking to you and jot it down, and any events that took place within the previous 24 to 48 hours that may have bothered you or that you noticed, no matter how small or insignificant they seem. You are already doing this but I can tell you are struggling to grab on to things. Are you able to do this small exercise for a short amount of time?

I will come back to why I am encouraging you to do this in another post. You've gotten some great words of encouragement already!

Someday remind me to tell you about my first big breakthrough into understanding me.

 
Wools

[Harri]

Hang in there SS.  It does get better.  I just learned from reading Woolspinners response in another thread that

that these triggers can often take about 48 to 72 hours to settle. At first though for me I could bounce around in a lesser state of anxiety but still anxious for a week or two. That has gotten much much better, and normally it is this much shorter time now. You'll get there.

Do you take anything for anxiety?  Even though I was first diagnosed with PTSD years ago I never realized how anxious I was until a few years ago.  Now I can look back and remember being an anxious kid.  Very fearful and reserved/shy on top of the anxiety made things very difficult.  You mentioned earlier that your anxious type of personality probably played a role in the trauma type responses you are seeing now and I agree it can certainly be a factor.  I know it was/is for me.  My anxiety came to a head after medical issues cropped up and it became harder for me to compensate... .though I still denied being anxious for many years, insisting it was just situational anxiety and depression.    Anyway, medication helped quite a bit.  I don't mean stuff like Xanax or Ativan which can be habit forming (and puts me to sleep) but longer acting ones that you take every day.  I don't know if that is something you want to explore. Just figured I would mention it.

I think it is great that you are willing to keep looking at new information.  I do want to say, though I am sure you already know it, that you can't think or intellectualize your way through this emotional stuff.  You have to feel it.  Just hang on and use coping tools, your support system (here and your friends/family) and new info to help you process your feelings.  Again, making connections to the past can help too.  So say for example that you feeling like you were being laughed at and looked at is related to the bullying like Turkish asked.  You know what is causing the feelings---> old unprocessed trauma but that you are safe now.  You are not the same person you were and you have supports and better coping skills today that you did not then. Stuff like that.  But let yourself feel, just observe your feelings without judgement, say hello, sit with them for as long as you can stand to and then let them go.  Breathing exercises will help with being able to sit with the feelings and also with letting them go.

it is hard work but so worth it SS.  You really are doing very well with this.

Can I ask more about your friend that you mentioned?  Let me know.  Talking about certain issues can help... .but only when you are ready.  

When will you be able to rest?  Do you work on weekends?  

[HappyChappy]

I just didn't have a bad childhood

You mention your childhood had many stresses, such as moving house and fear of bullies. You stated you were an anxious child. Long prolonged periods of stress and anxiety can cause trauma. It's possible to have a good childhood and get PTSD, its the prolonged stress that’s the killer. An associate of mine spent many years on active tour in the Army and had very loving parents. His CPTSD came from being bullied at school, not the Army.