first post, mom with undiagnosed BPD

[larnnn]

     19 year old daughter here. For the last year or so I have suspected that my mom shows many signs of BPD. From what I remember she has always been this way and has not seem to improve in behavior or realize that some of her behavior isn't normal for an adult. I have 5 siblings, 2 of which (the eldest) still live at home with her. I lived with my mom up until senior year of high school (until I was about 17) and moved out with my younger sister to my dad, step-mom and 2 brothers. As of now, we all still maintain contact with her but I think it is very strained for all of us and we have all been dealing with it in different ways.
     I've known for years that something was off about my mom and her behavior, how she always acted immature and it felt more like we were taking care of her and keeping her out of trouble instead of the other way around. To be honest, my older sister was more of a mother to me growing up and was the only one besides my best friend that I could really confide in. I've always been the quiet and trouble-free kid just keeping my head down until the day I got out of the house. Now that I'm away at college I find that I've been very anxious and have difficulty making friends. I also struggle with my self esteem and it's only been getting worse these past few years.

I'm so grateful I found this forum and have comfort reading about other's experiences with family members with BPD. Anyone else have struggles with self esteem/socialization?

[Harri]

Hi Larnnn and welcome to the board!  I am glad you found us. 

Many of us here do have problems with self-esteem and I have had problems with socializing.  Mostly due to being awkward and reserved/shy.  My anxiety, which I've only recently accepted I have, has also played a big part in this, but I can only see that now looking back.  So you are not alone. 

How are things living with your father and step mom?  Is it a calmer and safer environment when you are home?  What sort of behaviors did your mom engage in that caused you to 'keep you head down until you could leave'?  Were you anxious prior to going away to school?  I ask because I found my anxiety got much worse in some ways when I was away from home, like when I went away to school. 

Anyway, sorry for all the questions.  I hope you share more as you feel comfortable and I hope you jump in and start posting in threads.  We are a warm group of people who truly get it here.  We support and challenge each other as well as we learn together.

It's good to have you.   

[Turkish]

Anyone else have struggles with self esteem/socialization?

I did,  but I felt it more had to do with how I was bullied by peers.  It took me many years to admit I was also bullied by my mother. 

How exactly do you struggle with socialization?

Does any of this feel familiar?

https://bpdfamily.com/content/was-part-your-childhood-deprived-emotional-incest

[JNChell]

Hey there, larnnn. Welcome to the Family. I have to say that it’s refreshing to see a teenager. I say this because I wish that I had your insight when I was your age. You’re nipping this in the bud. Good for you.

You’re away at college. Once we are removed from the stress/abuse is when the feelings are allowed to surface. It’s normal for this to happen. Did you find that this stuff started coming out after you weren’t in your mom’s presence?

[larnnn]

Sorry for late reply. My relationship with my dad and step mom is great, and I'm grateful that they were there for me and my other siblings while we were going through all of the troubles with our mother then. As of now we are all getting along well and my dad at the time didn't have a relationship with my oldest brother but they have also mended that relationship. They've been very supportive and even right after I moved in with them, my dad and step-mom recommended my sister and I go to therapy for a little while which helped a bit.
  I've always been pretty shy and reserved while living with my mother and never had a lot of friends, partially due to just my personality but a big reason was I never wanted any of my friends coming over to my house because I was hesitant of them meeting my mom.
   It always felt like I was walking on eggshells around my mom. As soon as she woke up I could tell what mood she was in, and within an hour or less her entire mood could change drastically. She would constantly scream and get mad at small things. One time I was doing homework in the dining room and my mom told me to take it to my room. (Not even talking back) I said "I have a hard time concentrating in there." She immediately took all my papers, ripping and throwing them everywhere, then took my bookbag and textbook and threw it down the stairs and screamed at me to go pick it up. After I did that and went to my room for a few minutes I came back out and she looks like absolutely nothing happened, as if she didn't even remember doing any of that. She constantly exploded over things, basically throwing tantrums that could last an hour and then a few minutes later act like it never happened. She would scream at us, calling us "witches" and ungrateful, that she wanted to drive off a bridge and that everyone was always out to get her. She was also paranoid a lot of the time, like if she was driving and a cop was nearby she would scream at us to keep our heads down and shut up while pulling over and going the opposite way. I would tell her she is doing nothing wrong and she doesn't have to worry and she would just say "I just get so nervous and paranoid around them!"
     My mom was also very impulsive growing up. Before my parents divorced my mom would leave us for a week or two weeks at a time without contact. She would go out and party and then come back clearly drunk/intoxicated and get in fights with my dad. She was having multiple affairs while still with my dad, the last time she was beat by the guy she was sneaking around with. After they divorced my brothers moved in with my dad and my sisters and I stayed with my mom. She never got better and was constantly fighting with my older sister. Even recently she was caught drinking and driving (3rd time in the past 10 years) and had her license revoked. She stole my sisters social security and spent thousands, basically ruining my sisters credit and was arrested but my sister didn't press charges.
       Growing up I always knew something was off but never really realized it could be a mental illness. When I got to high school I started questioning all of it, especially because my mom had an eating disorder and I was worrying about her appearance (another thing I never really questioned was her binge eating habits). After going to college I finally heard about BPD and read everything about it including a book "Stop Walking on Eggshells" which really made me realize the issue and how common it is. I remember feeling so overwhelmed that finally my life made sense and I wasn't just imagining my mom's strange behavior. I've been facing some anxiety lately although I haven't been to therapy since senior year high school.
   
     

[JNChell]

Wow! You’ve been through a lot. I see a lot of similarities in your story to my own childhood. I also see similarities in regards to my ex. We share a Son. He’s 4 today. Anyway, I’ll stay on point.

The mood changes can definitely cause us to walk on eggshells. I think that it’s good that you can recognize these things in your mother. There are tools that you can learn to communicate with her if you’re interested. I know that it sucks and I’m sorry that you were dealt this hand. I’m sorry that all of us were.

Do you have a goal that you’d like to reach when it comes to your mom? Or are you comfortable in just talking through it for now?