Can you help me analyse his behaviour?

[FaithfulInLove]

Hello everyone,

I'm completely confused since I've seen my ex last weekend. We're both in our midtwenties. Maybe you can help me understanding what's going on inside of him? I consider him having quiet BPD.

We've been together in a long distance relationship for a year (even were engaged) and he broke up over a year ago for feeling put second.

Since then he just said MAYBE we can work things out - but he got into several relationships with other girls instead of working things out with me which really got me depressed.

A few times he ended contact but as I made efforts to maintain our friendship his silence never lasted longer than a few days to one month. We even have seen each other 4 times since the break up occurred. We have texted almost everyday.

We live in different countries got to know each other over social media.
He has unfollowed and blocked/ unblocked and refollowed me countless times since I got to know him.
Everytime I am really scared that this will be the last time I will hear from him ever.

So, we met up last weekend as "friends". He booked a hotel room for us.
I still want him back but have accepted that we're just friends, so didn't make any attempts for anything more - but after being there for a few hours he started kissing me and we hooked up.
He snuggled up to me all night long and I thought I had him back. But the next day he was quite cold to me which made me cry and I asked him if we couldn't work things out.
That question was burning in my head for soo long and that day I couldn't hold it back although I knew it was not a good thing to ask. His coldness kind of was a clear No.

His answer was that he couldn't be in a relationship at the moment because he's not in a good place/he couldn't be a good boyfriend. He doesn't exclude it for the future, but it wouldn't be fair to promise anything as he just doesn't know.

I would be able to accept this answer, but what makes it so hard for me is that I know he's on dating sides and that he's probably looking for someone new already while telling me this. His social media often is about "finding the one" and how he gets disappointed by women.

We hooked up a few more times that weekend, which confused me as in our relationship he always told me he felt like I was using HIM for sex.
Also he kept saying that sex was not important to him at all and that he only wants to have it in relationships with the one person he wants to get married to.

So, the sex after the conversation we had confused me a lot. In tears I asked him if he still loved me.
He just said "I won't answer that question", threatened to leave although I travelled such a big distance to come and see him that weekend.

After our meetup we went back to just texting each other as friends, exchanging nice/funny little messages.

I think that the dynamics really have to change between us, so that I don't get hurt constantly. I love him a lot and still want to get things to work but his back and forth affects me a lot, I'm anxious and don't think about anything else, just how we can make things work again.

For a chance of changing things as I've really been hurting after that confusing weekend, I've asked him for space for us too heal, in a gentle way, telling him I'd still be there if he needed someone.
He said he was okay with that and we're no contact since then.

Now I'm really scared because on his social media he posted that he has to cut ties with the ones who hurt him in order to heal, then he unfollowed me. He also posted that his weekend (which he spent with me) has been ruined.

I'm so scared now that I've triggered his abandonment fears too much, that he doesn't want to be in touch with me ever again. How he unfollowed me in connection with that post, really messes with my head.

What do you think is going on inside of him? Do you think he'll come back talking to me as soon as I tell him I had enough space? I'm so scared, I don't wanna lose him by this.
Do you think I mean anything to him when he sais things like I've ruined his weekend? He didn't say any bad word to me directly. I considered this as a nice weekend although I had to cry a few times. I truly enjoyed it and I thought so did he.

I'm completely confused, just looking for someone to talk to about what's going on here and what I can do to lead this confused soul back to me.

I miss him.

FaithfulInLove

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[itsmeSnap]

Hi faithfulinlove

It sounds to me like you too are confused about the relationship with him, asking for reassurance first and then "space to heal" and being just friends only to feel left out when he takes it at face value (ie, actually separating)

His coldness was kind of a clear No

I dont think this is the case here as he continues going back to you, I think he's playing it super safe. remember he's been in a number of failed relationships so he probably expects the same problems others with less interest in dealing with his issues have made. The girl I've been dating has accused me a number of times of being "too good for her" or herself for "not being good enough for me", consider how he is feeling, it might not be anything wrong with you.

Also, mind reading is like weather prediction, we often don't have all the variables and can be way off.

After our meetup we went back to just texting each other as friends, exchanging nice/funny little messages.

I think that the dynamics really have to change between us, so that I don't get hurt constantly

If you want a romantic/couples relationship with him maybe its not such agood idea to act like a friend to him, I'm late 20's so close enough to relate, it would be confusing even for me nonBPD that the girl I like acted like a friend and then cried if she knew I was considering dating someone other than her.

The one time I told the girl I've been dating I wanted to be friends after a breakup I genuinely was ready to be just friends, of course things happen and we ended up dating again, but now I look at it as a relationship and will act like it if she ever talks to me again (about a month no contact, we've had 3-6 months blocked each other before so its not uncommon for us at this point, not healthy but it is what it is, will work on it)

How would you like the dynamic to be like? Its not realistic to expect him to be someone other than who he is, and that includes the "bad days".

Do you think he'll come back talking to me as soon as I tell him I had enough space?

It is a possibility, not a guaranteed thing. you have to be sure that you've really had "enough space" to heal yourself.

what I can do to lead this confused soul back to me.

It is not up to you to "lead his confused soul", it sounds like he means a lot to you and it also seems like you have your own struggles about what to expect from the relationship.

It could help to bounce ideas with people here about what a relationship with him might entail and what you can expect and what you can do to make it easier on yourself.

you said you don't want to get hurt anymore, its a good time to focus on your own strength so you can be a better position to accept his love, whatever form that might take.

Hope I wasn't too rough, just trying to help!

[babyducks]

Maybe you can help me understanding what's going on inside of him?

Faithful;

BPD is a serious mental illness that creates intense, harmfully intense emotions that swing rapidly from one extreme to another.   Rapidly swinging intense emotions create unstable and chaotic relationships.   Having a lot of instability shows up in many ways.   In shows up in how pwBPD view themselves and how they see others around them.  There are many good resources on this site.   I would point you to this one from Margalis Fjelstad :   

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=203887.0

Margalis Fjelstad's book: Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist, p. 9 - 11 

Traits of BP/NP

Emotional Instability
- Emotional neediness, which may be covered up by a facade of independence
- Sudden emotional outbursts of rage and despair that seem random
- Belief that the emotions of the moment are totally accurate and will last forever
- Inaccurate memory of emotional events, even changing the meaning of the events after the fact
- Seeing their emotions as being caused by others or by events outside themselves, with no belief that they have any sort of control over their emotions
- Believing that the only way to change how they feel is to get other people or events to change
- Ongoing intense anxiety or fear

Thought Instability
- All-or-nothing thinking (ex. loving  you so intensely and then just as quickly reversing to hating you or thinking that they are a total failure, or conversely immensely superior)
- Intense belief in their own perceptions despite facts to the contrary
- Their interpretation of events is the only truth
- Cannot be persuaded by fact or logic
- Do not see the impact of their own behavior on others
- Deny the perceptions of others
- Accuse others of saying or doing things they didn't say or do
- Deny (even forget) negative or positive events from the past that conflict with current feelings

Behavioral Instability
- Impulsive behavior (ex. sexual acting out, reckless behavior, gambling, going into dangerous situations with little awareness
- Physically, sexually or emotionally abusive to others
- May cut, burn or mutilate themselves
- Often have addictions or other compulsive behaviors
- Create crises and chaos continuously
- Can go to suicidal thoughts when disappointed or disagreed with

Instability of a Sense of Self
- Intense fear or paranoia about being rejected, even to the extent that they need to be approved of by people they don't like
- Often change their persons, opinions or beliefs, depending on who they are with
- Lack of a consistent sense of self of who they are, or may have an overly rigid sense of self
- Often present a facade. May be fearful of being seen for "who I really am." Automatically assuming that they will be rejected or criticized.
- Out of sight, out of mind... difficulty realizing that they or others exist when not together
- Simultaneously see themselves as both inferior and superior to others

Relationship Instability
- Instantly fall in love or instantly end a relationship with no logical explanation
- Hostile, devaluing attacks on loved ones, while being charming and pleasant to strangers
- Overidealization of others (difficulty allowing others to be less than perfect, be vulnerable or make mistakes)
- Have trouble being alone even for short periods of time, yet push others away by picking fights
- Blaming, accusing and attacking loved ones for small, even trivial mistakes or incidents
- May try to avoid anticipated rejection by rejecting the other person first
- Difficulty feeling loved if the other person is not around
- Unwilling to recognize and respect the limits of others
- Demand rights, commitments and behaviors from others that they are not willing or able to reciprocate

when I first read that list, I went through and highlighted all the one's that applied to my partner.     there were many.    later I went back and highlighted all the ones that applied to me.   I would really suggest that you do the same.

We live in different countries got to know each other over social media.
He has unfollowed and blocked/ unblocked and refollowed me countless times since I got to know him.

Following and blocking, and unblocking and unfollowing is a way, albeit an immature way to, manage chaotic emotions.    I am frustrated.   I will make this go away.  BLOCK.   I am lonely.    I want to talk to some one.  UNBLOCK.  It's a representation of chaotic emotions and difficulty managing them.

I think that the dynamics really have to change between us, so that I don't get hurt constantly.

I'm so scared, I don't wanna lose him by this.

Managing emotions is the responsibility of the person who has the emotions.   If I am hurt it is my job to deal/cope with the hurt.    If I am scared, I am the one who has to work to control my fear.   Not try to force someone else to do it for me.   Not depend on someone else to make it better for me.

I'm completely confused, just looking for someone to talk to about what's going on here and what I can do to lead this confused soul back to me.

Most simply put, you can not lead anyone where they are not willing to go.   

You can give the connection you have with your boyfriend a better chance of success by turning the focus on yourself.    Turn the focus on yourself so that you become more emotionally resilient, and able to handle the ups and downs that are unique to this type of relationship.   

I would suggest you are confused because you continue to look for answers in the wrong place,  in him and his behaviors, when the answers you need are really within you, and your reactions.    While it may sound counter intuitive, the only way to make the relationship better is to make you better.   

I recommend Fjelstad's book.

'ducks

[FaithfulInLove]

Hello,

thanks so much to you two, for reading about my situation and sharing your thoughts with me.

I had a tough week trying to take the space I have asked him for.
The time without talking to him was nothing but anxiety filled because of how he treated things on social media.

While he just gave me the nice answer "sure if you think that's best " and went silent then, things on there seemed like he didn't want to let me back into his life.

Since our last fight I am still blocked on most platforms and on Twitter - as an exception, I am not blocked but he unfollowed me as soon as I've asked him for space.
He still lets me follow what he is posting and he keeps posting stuff about cutting people out of his life.

So I thought maybe that is it. Maybe he doesn't want me in his life anymore because I always gotta cry around him and I don't give him the attention he wants anymore.

I didn't reach out until his birthday and texted him after 9 days of no contact.
He texted back, thanked me for the wishes.
That means he still has the app we use to text each other on exclusively.
Finding that out was a huge relief because if he really wanted to crop me out of his life, he would have deleted it, right?

Just then, when I asked him how he was feeling, he didn't get back to me anymore.
I later had a good reason to get in touch with him again on another app
(I won't share more details on that so I won't be recognised). He responded in such a nice and cheerful way, but still didn't get back to the question I had asked before.

While my message was unread for many hours, I see now that he opened it and left me on read. We kind of are back to no contact now.
Actually by wishing him a happy birthday and asking about him I wanted to give a clear sign that the space is not needed anymore, when I ask a question of course a response is wanted.

Now I'm back to feeling anxious. Cause what he is posting keeps making me think that he doesn't want me back in his life.
He seems to be trying to connect to new people desperately, being just the way with them how I got to know and learned to love him while I am left on the side.

I am talking about my situation to a therapist later today, hoping he has an idea how I can make things better.
Openly talking about how I wished to talk more or to get closer again only always pushed him away further, so this is what I'd do with a healthy person, but staying no contact with him until he feels ready to do so might be the best solution... .

What do you think?
I am cruelly feeling like he doesn't value me, asking for someone who gives him everything I want to give him but doesn't want it from me. It is heartbreaking. I love that person from all my heart and would die for him to let me give him all that again and love me back like in the old days.

Things have been amazing, I don't know how to get that back.

[itsmeSnap]

thanks so much to you two, for reading about my situation and sharing your thoughts with me.

 

Now I'm back to feeling anxious.
He seems to be trying to connect to new people desperately, being just the way with them how I got to know and learned to love him while I am left on the side.

If that's how you met him then it should be no surprise to you that he does this.

For some perspective, just posted an update on my own problem/thread where I got kinda excited that I found out that my "gf" who cut me off "unexpectedly" had made up with his roomate/ex and they were now best friends, even after she confessed to me that he cheated on her.

Why would I take it as good news? because its not about me, its about her and how she deals with her own issues, and the pattern has been that she does come back around after these "episodes" so it made me kinda hopeful knowing its part of her process, that I will probably see her again after another "falling out" with him. Kinda odd tbh, to be waiting for her to be in a "bad place" for her to come back around, but it is what it is, I now know to expect it. I'm trying to get into a healthier dynamic once/if she comes around by posting here.

I am talking about my situation to a therapist later today,

Good move 

I am cruelly feeling like he doesn't value me

I know this probably sounds harsh but right now that might be exactly how he's feeling, maybe later he wont, and he probably didn't feel that way when you met. Obviously I'm not a mind reader and I don't know him, so we can't know for sure.

My "gf" (were not together right now from the cutoff but I don't see it as over until after the typical no contact timeline so therefore quotes) told me how she despised the roommate/ex and he was such an idiot and she was so over him and she never wanted to see him ever again, she had someone better in mind (me), and now she's best friends with him and I'm cutoff. It's happened before, probably will happen again.

How you perceive and handle the situation, that is what you have power over. Make something good out of it!

Things have been amazing, I don't know how to get that back.

We all long for that "good side" of them, maybe try being ready for it and enjoy it when it does come instead of "trying to get it back", you mentioned that it kinda pushed him away before, so maybe a different route is worth exploring. Hopefully the therapist has some good advice.

Good luck with your situation faithfulinlove

[FaithfulInLove]

Thank you so much, itsmeSnap!

Sounds like you're handling your situation really well, I don't feel that strong but I think finding that strength is the only thing that could help gaining back his respect... .

Nothing happened the past days, he's been reacting on his birthday wishes so positively, but since then still no answer to my question about how he is feeling.

He is posting a lot about how his anxiety/depression got worse on Twitter. I feel like reacting a lot, like telling him I am there - he knows I can read it and this feels like little tests being thrown at me... .I so wanna be there for him but I don't think reaching out on a platform he doesn't even follow me on, saying "You can always come and talk to me" would make anything better.
I told him a million times he can call me when he needs someone - it never happened, then he is whining online about nobody being there for him while it's him not replying when I ask about how he's feeling... .

Leaves me feeling powerless... .it's 4 days again without a word from him, 13 days of no contact if you don't count the birthday messages. We used to text every single day and I miss it so.

Therapist adviced me to not reach out until he does - it is so difficult with his "tests" on Twitter and with how much he means to me and I want him back in my life... .
Do you still see a chance for us?