Yesterday was...weird.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hey everyone,

For those following my previous thread, my ex did send me a Happy Birthday message at 12:01 am. I did not respond until the next morning and simple said, "thanks, hope you are well." Now, here's where the confusion sets in. Last time we broke up she was very cold if we tried to talk, but yesterday she was trying to initiate normal conversation?

She went on to tell me about her work week and things that had been going on in her life for the past week since we have been NC. I kept my responses short and simple and when the conversation died off at the end of the night, I simply did not respond.

I'll admit during the morning I broke down crying because I missed her and wanted things to be how they once were, but then I reminded myself if this is even a possibility. As much as I wanted to keep the conversation going, I wanted to keep my distance as well because I have no clue what is running through her head at the moment. I keep reminding myself that life has a funny way of working out (even if we do not think its possible at the moment) so I am trying to take a step back and follow that mindset, even though it can be a struggle at times.

I guess if anyone has any experience with this, it would be greatly appreciated because it is new territory to me. I'll admit last breakup I was the one reaching out and trying to get things to work again, so this time is a new approach as I am not going to settle with someone who cannot make me happy. While I know no one has a definite answer to my questions, except her, some things running through my mind are, "does she want to be my friend?" "Is this her starting to test out if she wants to get back together?" "Did she just want someone to vent to?"

Going to try to enjoy my day and not focus on these thoughts too much, but it does help to type them out. Thanks again for listening!

[CookieMonster80]

Hey everyone,

For those following my previous thread, my ex did send me a Happy Birthday message at 12:01 am. I did not respond until the next morning and simple said, "thanks, hope you are well." Now, here's where the confusion sets in. Last time we broke up she was very cold if we tried to talk, but yesterday she was trying to initiate normal conversation?

She went on to tell me about her work week and things that had been going on in her life for the past week since we have been NC. I kept my responses short and simple and when the conversation died off at the end of the night, I simply did not respond.

I'll admit during the morning I broke down crying because I missed her and wanted things to be how they once were, but then I reminded myself if this is even a possibility. As much as I wanted to keep the conversation going, I wanted to keep my distance as well because I have no clue what is running through her head at the moment. I keep reminding myself that life has a funny way of working out (even if we do not think its possible at the moment) so I am trying to take a step back and follow that mindset, even though it can be a struggle at times.

I guess if anyone has any experience with this, it would be greatly appreciated because it is new territory to me. I'll admit last breakup I was the one reaching out and trying to get things to work again, so this time is a new approach as I am not going to settle with someone who cannot make me happy. While I know no one has a definite answer to my questions, except her, some things running through my mind are, "does she want to be my friend?" "Is this her starting to test out if she wants to get back together?" "Did she just want someone to vent to?"

Going to try to enjoy my day and not focus on these thoughts too much, but it does help to type them out. Thanks again for listening!

[JNChell]

Cookie Cookie/b]. Yes! The big blue Cookie Monster. Can I ask you a very up front and pragmatic question? How did you feel when you were with her? Seriously. How did you feel inside?

[CookieMonster80]

Can I ask you a very up front and pragmatic question? How did you feel when you were with her? Seriously. How did you feel inside?

Of course you can ask me an up front question. When she was in good spirits I felt like everything was the way it was supposed to be. I felt like we were meant to be and this was the woman I was going to marry. When her mood would turn south I felt like I was walking on a frozen lake waiting for the ice to crack and for me to fall in. No matter good or bad, I always loved her and still do till this day.

[Cromwell]

Hi CookieMonster

how long have you been NC before she decided to initiate the first breakthrough.

[CookieMonster80]

how long have you been NC before she decided to initiate the first breakthrough.

Hi Cromwell,

It was one week NC before she reached out to wish me a happy birthday.

[Cromwell]

Hi Cromwell,

It was one week NC before she reached out to wish me a happy birthday.

Its early days yet and a birthday is going to be a special day to safely reach out with a gesture.

Got some neutral rapport building up, the sort of sharing of banality of work life that anyone might do as much as a stranger discussing the weather at a bus stop. its broke the ice, opened up the communication channel, but nothing heavy that cant keep things progressing if that is what is desired.

Yet its exhumed a lot of emotions and questions, yet you dont feel ready yet to express your feelings to her directly. Is this something new or was this lack of emotional intamicy a theme that existed before going into NC mode?

my ex reached out on her birthday 4 months into NC.

[JNChell]

Hey, CM80. In the spirit of pragmatism, those sound like very polar feelings.

I’ve come to accept that my ex’s worst side and bad behaviors are who she really is. I’ve also accepted this about myself.

I love the woman I met, but where did she go? Maybe the mirror broke. She was mirroring me. I pretty much fell in love with myself. Man, she did a really good job. Looking back, can you identify ways that your ex mirrored you. Especially in the beginning?

Holidays are identifiable soft points. They will either reach out or sabotage. I share a child with my ex. That being said, she has no reason to reach out, but every reason to sabotage.

The split up is fresh. pwBPD will certainly try to keep you on a line. Do you want to be held on a line? Didn’t think so.

No contact will help. It will allow you space to grieve and learn. Do you want that experience back, or do you want to move past it and never feel that stuff again?

[CookieMonster80]

Yet its exhumed a lot of emotions and questions, yet you dont feel ready yet to express your feelings to her directly. Is this something new or was this lack of emotional intimacy a theme that existed before going into NC mode?

We have always been open and honest with one another (sometimes too honest), but since breaking it off I feel like I am emotionally reserved because I do not know where she stands. At the end of the day I am afraid of putting all of my feelings and emotions out there because I am not sure if they are going to be reciprocated or denied. Even if they are reciprocated, does this mean I want to give us another shot? Not sure.

Looking back, can you identify ways that your ex mirrored you. Especially in the beginning?

The split up is fresh. pwBPD will certainly try to keep you on a line. Do you want to be held on a line? Didn’t think so.

No contact will help. It will allow you space to grieve and learn. Do you want that experience back, or do you want to move past it and never feel that stuff again?

A lot of good questions here that got me thinking. As for mirroring, that's a tricky question. As deep as our connection was, there were many differences between us and many things that set us apart. Could she have been mirroring what I was feeling about our relationship? That's a good possibility since things were completely fine, then took such a sudden turn south. I would find her mirroring others often though. As an example, every month she would decide to change her wardrobe because she liked someone else's style. This also ties into her new friend group. When we first started dating, she was not into drinking at all because 9 times out of 10 she would be sick. Since she started hanging out with her new friends, I found her drinking more and more, which was odd and unusual. As mentioned before, all of them have unstable relationships so it seems the more she surrounded herself with them, the unhappier she grew with our relationship. She will openly admit that she has a hard time finding herself and that is something she was struggling with during our recent split.

I DEFINITELY do not want to be her "backup" or held on the line in case nothing better comes along. I know I do not deserve that, but after being with her for 5 years the thought of putting myself back out there scares the  out of me. I feel like after this last break up, I have built up walls around myself and I am unwilling to let anyone in.

[once removed]

While I know no one has a definite answer to my questions, except her, some things running through my mind are, "does she want to be my friend?" "Is this her starting to test out if she wants to get back together?" "Did she just want someone to vent to?"

i think one thing we can say for pretty certain is that she was interested in catching up, which means there arent a lot of hard feelings. it sounds like you could still use some space to heal.

do you know what sort of relationship youd like to have with her in the future? friends? more? less? not sure?

[CookieMonster80]

i think one thing we can say for pretty certain is that she was interested in catching up, which means there arent a lot of hard feelings. it sounds like you could still use some space to heal.

do you know what sort of relationship youd like to have with her in the future? friends? more? less? not sure?

Definitely did not split up on bad terms. It was a mutual agreement of both being unhappy. She realized she was not able to give me what I needed to be happy (love, affection, attention, etc.) and I realized without those things, I was not going to be happy. Friendship is probably not likely as I don't think I could sit by and watch/hear about her dating other people and I don't think she could do the same for me. Guess this leaves me unsure of what I would like from her in the future. In an ideal world I would like to see her go to therapy to better manage her BPD and see what happens with us, but hey, the world isn't a perfect place and focusing on these idealistic views will probably be enough to drive me crazy

[once removed]

Friendship is probably not likely as I don't think I could sit by and watch/hear about her dating other people and I don't think she could do the same for me.

its rare when this happens, and usually only after both parties have had the space to grieve, and to heal, and even then, a friendship is a very different looking relationship. im friends with some exes; i enjoy those friendships, but they are not close and are very different than they ever were before.

she may reach out/check in from time to time, the two of you have a long history. how would you respond in that case? would it help? hurt?