Gaslighting

[deirdre]

I decided I couldn't be silent. Last weekend I told my sister about the memories I got back of being molested by my uBPD father. A couple days ago I told my mother. Now half my family knows. My mom told my dad after I told her. He asked for a divorce after that because "he was tired of being accused of things". They already worked it out though.
My father sent me an email yesterday night. Basically telling me he still loves me and he forgives me for having fake memories like he has. Alluding to me being mentally ill like him, projecting. Today I got a call from mom and she called me demon possessed and/or that my memory is a psychotic break and I might be schizophrenic.
I am angry.
I told my mom only because she is leaving for a trip for a month and leaving my little sister with my uBPD father for that amount of time. It was time for her to know. When I told her she just freaked out about what "she" is going to do and how my father is so much better now and he wouldn't do something like that and even if he did he wouldn't now.
I am frustrated.

[Harri]

Hi Deirdre,     

I have been thinking about you and was hoping to hear from you but this?  I am so sorry your father and your mother turned this around on you and are denying it together.  That is about them though... .the denial, the projection, the defensiveness... .calling you a demon.  None of that is you. 

I think being angry is an appropriate response Deirdre.  So is frustration.  Your mother can't see anything but herself.  She is probably threatened feeling like her world is being attacked , never mind that it is the exact opposite.  She and your father are the ones betraying you and trying to erase the past.

I am so sorry they are doing that. 

How did your sister respond?  Are you getting any support from her?  Are you still in therapy? Do you think your saying something might keep your dad from doing the same to your little sister?  I remember that she is disabled... .forgive me for asking, is she verbal?  Able to use a phone?

Thank you for coming here and sharing this with us.  This is big and the more support you get the better.

  

[deirdre]

Hi Harri
My sister responded well with the right balance of outrage and sympathy. It has made for a rough week for her though, bringing up a lot of past gunk. But she has been there for me and is supporting me through this and believes me. She remembers when I stopped wanting to be in my parents bed and stopped acting the same. She didn't think anything like that was happening but retrospect is always a lot clearer. I told my grandma today too much to my mothers chagrin (she called me absolutely livid after grandma told her she knew). But I have my grandmas support now too which is helpful to me mentally. But my mom was pissed because my grandma threatened calling cps on her if she leaves sis with father when she goes to visit them for a few weeks. She kept saying how we were forcing her hand and making her choose and now she has to divorce him. Because she can't just take her with without it looking like she is admitting that he did it and is guilty. Kept asking if I understand the consequences of cps being called and I had to try really hard to keep my cool and just saying "It doesn't matter what I understand or don't and its still your choice to do whatever you want".  The rest of it I said very little because she was erratic and throwing a tantrum. Then hung up saying she had to go tell my father that she wanted a divorce (I don't think that will last more then a couple days).
I am not in therapy right now, I got a couple sessions in only and then found out she wasn't in network a couple weeks ago and with the holiday I forgot to find a new therapist. I don't think telling will change anything really on what my father would and wouldn't do because he does things when he has psychotic breaks and isn't mentally there. But I can hope. My little sister is disabled and is barely verbal so not able to communicate anything like this if anything happened or happens.
I am to the point where I am contemplating trying to get guardianship of my sister. Because my mother has proven time and time again with her kids that she can not keep them safe and put them in safe situations.

[Harri]

I am so glad you have the support of your sister and g-ma on this.  This is such a difficult situation but it sounds like you are dealing well with it. 

I know your immediate concern is about your sister right now and rightly so.  Would your g-mother be able to take care of her?  I ask not because I think you are not capable, I am sure you are.  I am concerned for you and I think it is important for you to get yourself squared away and back in therapy if you can.  We can help you here too so if you can't we've got you.

What can we do for you right now?

 

[JNChell]

Hi, deirdre. You’ve made a very, very courageous step. It can feel overwhelming when we do things like this because it’s way outside of what were taught growing up. You went against the grain. Can I tell you the good news? You did that for you. I know that things probably feel pretty overwhelming right now, but you obviously had to get that out. You did well.

My father sent me an email yesterday night. Basically telling me he still loves me and he forgives me for having fake memories like he has. Alluding to me being mentally ill like him, projecting. Today I got a call from mom and she called me demon possessed and/or that my memory is a psychotic break and I might be schizophrenic.
I am angry.

It’s time to set boundaries. How do you feel about that? Let’s keep you safe here. It will be hard at first, but you don’t deserve this stuff anymore. You never deserved it in the first place. How do feel about setting boundaries to protect yourself?

I told my mom only because she is leaving for a trip for a month and leaving my little sister with my uBPD father for that amount of time. It was time for her to know. When I told her she just freaked out about what "she" is going to do and how my father is so much better now and he wouldn't do something like that and even if he did he wouldn't now.

This sounds like denial and guilt. Is it safe to say that your mom has been an enabler for your dad?

It’s time to focus on deirdra. How can we help?

[Pilpel]

Last weekend I told my sister about the memories I got back of being molested

Hi Deirdre.  It sounds like you've been dealing with a lot.  I hope you don't mind me asking, but I was wondering if you could clarify what this means that you "got back" memories?

[zachira]

You've got a lot on your plate right now dealing with certain family members denying you were sexually abused, and knowing that your sister will be under the care of your father with BPD who abused you. You are doing the right thing by going back to therapy and by posting here, trying to make so many hard decisions while trying to feel better emotionally, a tall order for anyone with all you have going on. There are many of us in this group who have been in similar situations to yours, and we are here to listen and help in any way we can. Many members have been here for years, posted regularly, and with time and great effort, have gotten to a good baseline where they and their family members are out of harm's way from the people with BPD. What is your top priority right now?

[JNChell]

Stay with us deirdre . How are you?

[deirdre]

JNChell
Boundaries are so hard. I did set one and stuck to it for a week and a halfish. I had finals this last weekend (I failed them which sucks greatly, but I get to retest after 3 months have past). But I couldn't handle the situation and prepping for them so I set a boundary with my family that I would not be discussing the future options or the current situation until after that was over. I sent all emails to a folder unread during that time and am now getting back into the situation since I have to make some decisions. Yes my mom has been an enabler to my father.
Pilpel
I have a lot of memory chunks missing of my childhood. I just don't remember a lot of it. I had major surgery for feminine problems/endometriosis earlier in the year and the physical exams pre-surgery induced some unpleasant memories to come up.
zachira
I am trying to figure out my priorities still. My top priorities have been met (ish), my top priority was to keep sis out of a potentially dangerous situation because even without the sexual abuse he is not stable enough to care for a child alone for a month. But she is out of the situation now and CPS is involved and she is not allowed back until the 30 days are up. My other priority was to make it through the weekend and my program, I only half met that since I didn't pass certifications, so continuing to prepare for that is still a priority. I need to prioritize getting my own head together again now. I can't really do much else or meet any other priorities without that.

[deirdre]

As an update to the situation:
Things have escalated as they generally do with BPD family members. My mom is staying at a friends CPS took her in for a weekend and helped her make an escape plan, my father was playing a lot of mind games with her especially after she asked for a divorce. I ended up getting someone there to call the cops for a well-check a couple weeks ago. Then the next day my mom met with CPS and crisis workers because she was advised to get sis out of the house asap because with my allegations she could risk losing sis if she stayed there with him longer. Now my mom can't go back to the house safely and cops wont escort her because my father is carrying mine and my moms hand guns that were left there most of the time since he bought new holsters for them. He sent out a letter the other week accusing my mom of molesting me and that she forced him to help, he sort of resended that accusation in another letter a couple days after. My siblings who got the letter as well told me not to read it so I didn't read the letter until last night. It was despicable, also showing on how my siblings don't know what I can handle. The letter was almost laughable in its stupidity and horrendousness in the accusations and what he said happened.
 
Since my mom is now having to figure out where she will go and what she is going to do she is trying to figure out where I am going to go and what I am going to do. Because if I move back there she wants to stay in that area and if I stay where I am at she wants to move here. I don't know if I even want to live near her anymore. She had said that if I move back we could share and apartment and I held my boundary and nicely but clearly let her know that I didn't want to live with her. Though if I don't want to live near mom I don't get to live near sis so that is hard. It is so hard trying to figure out where I want to live, how I am going to deal with my past and how I am going to start my own business which also requires knowing where I am going to live and sticking to it.

Last week I met with a crisis worker but she ended up being more specialized in domestic abuse/physical then sexual abuse so she recommended I find another worker for some counseling. I am still going to see her again this week because I haven't gotten ahold of any other crisis workers next and the more help the better. I can legally still press charges against my dad until I am 23 and have some tough decisions to make.

[Harri]

Hi Deirdre 

I've been thinking about you and hoping life was keeping you busy.  I see it has but not quite in the way I hoped.   I am so sorry for the way things have turned out.

I am glad you are keeping the appointment with the DV worker as yes, support is important.  She might be able to make a referral to someone, or I think she would be able to especially if she is with an agency.

You are right that you have some tough decisions ahead of time.  Getting the right kind of professional support will be important so I am glad you are working on that.  It is good that you spoke about about what you wanted in terms of not sharing an apartment with your mother. 

I don't really understand the situation with the police not going to your dads.  If I remember correctly you are in a small town where your dad is well known? 

I am glad you came and posted.  How can we best help you through this?

[zachira]

I am admiring all your courage and how you are doing what is best for you and your family, particularly your sister. You are going forward despite all the difficulties. Are you still thinking about therapy? If you are unable to remember part of your childhood, therapy could be a big help in healing a lot of the pain and anger. I have the same question as Harri: How can we best help you through this? We are always here to listen and support you.

[JNChell]

Hi, deirdre. Along with the others, I’m glad that you came back to give an update on your situation. I’d also like to echo and point out that as hard as your struggles are currently, you are in fact moving forward. Well done. It sounds like you have really taken the reigns on the situation and are being proactive on moving things along despite how difficult this is for you. Your courage is inspiring.

We’ll continue to walk beside you through this. You have a lot on your plate right now and we’re happy to help you sort it out. Glad you made it back here.

[nenarox2]

I have been thinking about this post and wanted to say that I am sorry that they did this too you. My sister recently disclosed her own abuse after letting me be alone in my truth for 10 years. The anger that I feel is beyond reconciliation. She questioned me, called me a liar and let me live in my truth for so long. Then, we learn that my brother was a victim and now she is telling her truth... .I think that your mother, like my sister, knows in her heart. But cannot accept this truth. At the expense of so many and so much.

[Nickerdoodle]

When I told her she just freaked out about what "she" is going to do and how my father is so much better now and he wouldn't do something like that and even if he did he wouldn't now.

Wow.  Just wow.  Even if he did he wouldn't now.  So if he did that is okay with her... .just so long as he never does it again? 

I am sorry but I am so glad you stood up for your sister.