bPD and blocking behavior

[Depression = 72% of members]

I met a guy who chased me after our first encounter for two months. Finally gave in to him even though everything was an argument. Had firm boundaries until that point.lots of push pull has happened with him. Met up with him, and things and fighting had been so intense for him he couldn’t even have sex with me which was was he was trying for for so long. Got into an explosive argument mostly on his account (I remained calm:it was a silly subject) until he kicked me out of his place. I went nuts, texting him like crazy only to find out he had blocked me after that day all he had said was he needed some space and we would reconvene at another time the last time I saw him. Since he replied on another avenue of communication, saying angrily he did give me closure and to stop texting him. And he blocked me there too I think. After everything I’ve read about BPD I don’t know what to do. Do I continue to try to contact him and tell him that I care (I have a few times already). Is there any possibility of him returning my attempts to contact him or unblocking me someday? I feel conflicted. If I stop trying does it just confirm to him I don’t care. But I can’t even contact him anyway and I’m tired of looking crazy... I don’t know if I should keep trying hoping he will come back but more importantly to let him know I’m still here. I care. I’m not going anywhere. Or do I just move on. There’s no chance he will ever speak to me again. I fully understand BPD and what is possibly going on in his mind. But just don’t know what to do. I don’t want to cause him any more anxiety and pain that I take the responsibility in causing. But I don’t know if he really doesn’t want to hear from me or does but has blocked me. I want to do what is right from here on out.

[Jbombjas]

I met a guy who chased me after our first encounter for two months. Finally gave in to him even though everything was an argument. Had firm boundaries until that point.lots of push pull has happened with him. Met up with him, and things and fighting had been so intense for him he couldn’t even have sex with me which was was he was trying for for so long. Got into an explosive argument mostly on his account (I remained calm:it was a silly subject) until he kicked me out of his place. I went nuts, texting him like crazy only to find out he had blocked me after that day all he had said was he needed some space and we would reconvene at another time the last time I saw him. Since he replied on another avenue of communication, saying angrily he did give me closure and to stop texting him. And he blocked me there too I think. After everything I’ve read about BPD I don’t know what to do. Do I continue to try to contact him and tell him that I care (I have a few times already). Is there any possibility of him returning my attempts to contact him or unblocking me someday? I feel conflicted. If I stop trying does it just confirm to him I don’t care. But I can’t even contact him anyway and I’m tired of looking crazy... I don’t know if I should keep trying hoping he will come back but more importantly to let him know I’m still here. I care. I’m not going anywhere. Or do I just move on. There’s no chance he will ever speak to me again. I fully understand BPD and what is possibly going on in his mind. But just don’t know what to do. I don’t want to cause him any more anxiety and pain that I take the responsibility in causing. But I don’t know if he really doesn’t want to hear from me or does but has blocked me. I want to do what is right from here on out.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Bnonymous]

Hi Jbombjas



I'm glad you've joined us. We're listening and will offer what advice and support we can.

I'm unclear on the timeline here. You say he chased you for two months until you finally gave in - were you together for some time after this or did he pull back straight away? When was the argument and how long has he had you blocked for?

[Jbombjas]

We met and then about a few days after I started tonsee his angry behavior. So I tried to set firm boundaries for two months before seeing him again. After two months, I Gabe in to his Apology and claiming to need me. And said I would give us a shot. We had been arguing for two days straight and I just wanted it to end. So I gave in. Went to his place even tho he didn’t want me to but also kind of did. The argument was over smoking weed. Kind of his usage but moreso if it was bad. He got extremely angry, asked me leave and that we would reconvene at another time and it was there that I went nuts triggering my own trauma and abandonment issues texting him like crazy prob causing him sever angst and anxiety. . He then blocked me sometine during that . I want to do what is right by him now. I am prepared to move on but want to understand his motives and not hurt him more or abandon him if he doesn’t want me to truly.

[Jbombjas]

I’ve have been blocked about a week now. I have tried contact a few times but only to say simple things to him like you are  worthy and I’m always here for you as a your friend, first. One letter did offer an amends and take responsibilty for eberytjing as I am in AA and that’s what we do.

[Bnonymous]

Hi Jbombjas,

Thanks for clarifying.

I wouldn't reach out more than a couple of times. If he doesn't want to hear from you, it might feel invasive. If he does want to hear from you, he might enjoy the feeling of being chased and so continue to hold back so he gets more of that feeling.

You've reached out and let him know you value him and are there. I'd leave the ball in his court now. He might well make contact once he has had space to think and calm down.

Maybe give it a few weeks and see what happens? In the meantime, concentrate on your personal goals, interests, hobbies etc, so the time is not spent waiting to see if he makes contact. If he hasn't made contact by then, review things and see how you're feeling about him after some space.

What do you think?

In the meantime, if there is anything you want to talk round, we're listening.

[Jbombjas]

Thank you so much. Yes perhaps I’m being a bit impatient and pushy. Of course I do want him back and to see him again but am prepared for the latter as well. I just wanted to know what would be the right thing to do to support him if he didn’t want me to leave. I hope the things I have sent to him aren’t invasive and were worded properly. Just repetitions that I’m always here and send love. I hope my apology didn’t make me a pathetic demon in his eyes. Just wanted to take responsibility for the part I played in everything. Gosh, I do hope he come back tho. I don’t think my mind will change in a few weeks but will certainly pursue the things I love in life in the meantime. Thank you for your support and reply!

[itsmeSnap]

Hi Jbombjas

I'm also waiting on someone that blocked me, I know it feels frustrating to be unable to do anything about it.

It takes some people a few days, others (like my "gf") can take months before they come back around, he's probably in a funky place himself so don't take it personal, it probably is more about himself than about you.

Talking to people here helped me get calmer, gave me time to process and look for ways to deal with the falling out before it happens and hopefully not after, and also to realize sometimes its just plain and simple out of our control.

So just know things can get better, like Bnonymous said, focus on yourself so you can better handle the situation next time. Just remember that it can be a wild ride if you want the relationship with him to work, so buckle up  .

You mentioned AA, its good that you have support in rough times.

Good luck!

[Bnonymous]

Hi Jbombjas,

It doesn't sound like there's anything invasive in what you've done. You've communicated clearly and let him know that you're there if he wants to reach out - I think that's a good thing. I also think it's a positive thing that you wanted to take responsibility for your part in it - that is something that will help you regardless of how he responds to it.

It's up to him from here. I know that waiting and not knowing if you will hear from someone you care about is stressful. I hope he makes contact soon.

[Jbombjas]

Ironically he made contact yesterday. His attitude is extremely hostile, blaming, and manipulative, but fortunately I was well prepared and cared for this time around. He has tried to use sex as a form of relief and weapon, but regardless of his words saying the opposite, I can see he wants me and is attracted to my kind loving responses. Boy am I going to need this support system moving forward helping me w many, many moves to what is is best for him and myself. My true goal is to establish anough trust and warmth that might inspire him to change -not for me, but for the hell he is probably living in. I want him to feel better. This is probably unrealistic but I can try. Thanks for all of your support.

[Bnonymous]

Hi Jbombjas,

Thanks for the update. I'm glad to here he made contact, but am sorry the contact wasn't of a more positive nature.

How are things going now?

Are there any areas or issues in particular that you would like support with?

[Jbombjas]

Yes. I have no idea what to do. He has been on n off. Only been nasty and mean and tried to get together for sex. When I express to him how I feel he tells me it’s too much and goes away. Then I’ll jist let him know I care and he’ll respond similarly. He’ll say he wants to get together each time (he has three times now) but won’t follow through. He dangled the carrot in front of me, and then disappears and won’t make plans. I can tell he wants me around but he is still very angry with me, or just angry. I imagine he has other women, which doesn’t bother me, so maybe I’m just a back up plan or him as I’m too readily available. Really he has been angry almost since the moment I met him. I continue to be loving, calm, supportive and kind but I just don’t know what to do anymore. I do t know how to, at the very least, change the hate into some form of interest or kindness, if only for a short short moment. At this point, I find I have no choice but to leave. What do you think?

[Jbombjas]

Let me make it clear that everything revolves around sex with him. I can see his fear for deeper things but I’m not sure it is anything more with me. I feel he wants to feel deeper things and is attracted to my warmth but am not sure he is attracted to me. At this point, he is trying to establish something strictly sexual with me, but being very flaky about it. He has always been very flaky. Like a child. Immediate gratification. And I don’t even know if I want it but I want to know it’s there an option right now. I don’t spend my time waiting in the wings. But I feel compelled to reach deeper and to express deeper feelings as I think it may scare him. But it could just be he does not like or “feel” (as much as any BPD is capable of feeling) or is attracted to me in any way but of a sexual nature. And to be honest, I’d probably be ok with that. :/ I just want to do what is right if he does in fact want more from me but can’t express it.

[Jbombjas]

Let me make it clear that everything revolves around sex with him. I can see his fear for deeper things but I’m not sure it is anything more with me. I feel he wants to feel deeper things and is attracted to my warmth but am not sure he is attracted to me. At this point, he is trying to establish something strictly sexual with me, but being very flaky about it. He has always been very flaky. Like a child. Immediate gratification.” And I don’t even know if I want it but I want to know it’s there as an option right now.” I don’t spend my time waiting in the wings. But I feel compelled to reach deeper and to express deeper feelings but think they may scare him. But it could just be he does not like or “feel” (as much as any BPD is capable of feeling) or is attracted to me in any way but of a sexual nature. And to be honest, I’d probably be ok with that. :/ I just want to do what is right if he does in fact want more from me but can’t express it. Does his anger signify any form or feeling towards me? Will he ever stop being angry? Do I just go away this time? Maybe I didn’t se t good enough boundaries last time when he came back or maybe this is just how he is? I just have no idea what to do but leave.

[Yellowpearl]

Hey! Let's walk through this. So he wants to get together, but he keeps flaking. Something inside of him wants to see you and get back on track but there seems to be an problem of inconsistency and maybe second guessing himself. Boundaries may not help here since he's already flaky, as much as I know how tired you must be of being compassionate and understanding. Understanding and patience may be key. What I would suggest is to hold back on expressively showing care or telling him you care or anything emotional right now as he could be having trouble and sorting out his feelings, not being able to handle yours.

I also understand you're feeling he isn't really making himself clear and I can see how confusing this must be. What was the last interaction that you guys had like? I understand how it comes across that he only wants things in a sexual nature with you based on his behaviors. What sort of signs does he display of this and when you do set boundaries, or bring this up in wanting something deeper, how does he react?

[Jbombjas]

I agree. Trying not to be too emotional so it doesn’t overwhelm him.

He actually contacted me today and was finally strangely peaceful. Disconnected but not angry. Said I should come over and I said we didn’t have time. He didn’t get angry. He then said “I mean, I’m not asking for anything. Nor do I have expectations. You have other lovers and I do too. It’s all good either way” this was after he tried to call me and didn’t get ahold of me on the phone. two minutes after. I’m so confused. Today felt like a small small breakthrough. No anger. Those words actually felt like he did want something with me other than sex. Lie he did actually care where this was going. But I’m not convinced.

Prior to this it has been all anger. All expressingthat he will only see me for sex. I am a booty call and nothing more. Saying good bye. And then coming back and telling me if I want to see him I should send him naughty things. That will inspire him. Manipulations. Anger. Nasty cold stuff.

I still feel like walking. Maybe today he just felt I was done as I said I was so it was a tactic to get me back. Maybe it was just a brief moment on non anger for him. I’ve seen a few of those. They are beautiful. I will have no idea what to do. I feel like I should just let go.

[Yellowpearl]

This isn't an easy choice to decide whether or not to stay. It's no rush, maybe take your time with it and weigh out the pros and cons. That could be the case, that he senses you drifting and took you serious. The question is what do you feel most comfortable doing, and is the answer to that letting it go? You have to do what you're okay with and what will give you peace.  

[Jbombjas]

Well honestly I want to stay but I can’t read if he wants me to or if he just wants sex. I want to do what is right. I don’t want him to feel abandoned or hurt if I choose to go. I’d like to try to be with him but am not going to keep trying if it’s just for sex or all he does is push me away consistently. There needs to be some give. Just some. I don’t know how to act to make him stay. Just stay.

[Yellowpearl]

What about sitting on this for a while until you see more effort on his end? If you don't then coming back to it and make that choice. While knowing that it can sometimes take a while to not just figure out what a person's intentions are, but for a person to feel comfortable to trust those intentions are being carried out genuinely.

[Jbombjas]

I’m perfectly fine with that. Do you mean me trusting his intentions with me or him trusting mine with him? He definitely has major trust issues. He accuses me of lying about everything. I mean I do too but not of this magnitude.
I’m not even sure I have a chance to sit on it anyway. The second I stay he goes anyway. And I am the only one so far that has initiated bringing him back. I’m tired of doing that initiating even tho I also dichotomously don’t mind if he doesn’t come back dueled with anger and manipulation. I really do like him and think he’s a good person. He is not his disorder. . Appreciate your time with all of this. It’s very confusing stuff. I think he is worth it and someone needs to show him so. I wish he could find a way to figure that out. I know my
issues and attraction to all of it certainly. Addiction. Empath. Somewhat codependent. I wonder if he cares and questions my intent. One thing I am that others love and constantly comment on is real & genuine.  thank you! You are appreciated.

[Yellowpearl]

Do you mean me trusting his intentions with me or him trusting mine with him? He definitely has major trust issues. He accuses me of lying about everything. I mean I do too but not of this magnitude.

Both of you trusting each other's intentions may take some time. It may take him a lot longer to get the the point of starting to initiate with you first considering the trust issues and other things that come with pwBPD. There may be some things you can do to protect your own heart, such as keeping expectations low when you make contact with him until or if that intimacy is built further. It may be hard to sit on it indeed because of his unpredictable nature but all you can do is try and see what happens and take it one step at time. I empathize on the difficulty in dealing with the chaos while seeing he is a good person. Have you looked up any of the coping skills and tools on this board?

Maybe also can help to pay attention to how you feel when you are around him and talking to him. You can start paying attention to whether you feel more anxious/uncertain or more excited/giddy/happy overall. That can often help us determine whether a relationship is worth it.

[Jbombjas]

I agree however he pursued me for for two months until he got angry with me. When he came back the first time he again sent me a string of texts in the morning and day time (even tho they were all brief, manipulative, sex driven, and angry) until my emotions most likely gave him anxiety or scared him  and he turned away.
So who knows. At this point everything is unpredictable. Thank goodness for my sobriety and the tools I do have. Acceptance. Powerlessness. So much more.
Well we will see. Every time I expect him to behave a certain way, he throws me for a loop. I just know I like him and I want to do right by that very sweet scared little boy inside of him  I don’t want to hurt him. I will sit back and try to remain calm and not as passionate as I usually am. Therin remain the challenge! I am intense and passionate!
I have found it hard to find the coping skills and tools on the board. I would love to know how to handle these behaviors before they happen, calm the storms instead of driving him away or making them worse,  and cope when they do especially over wasting your time. :/ any places you’d like to direct me would be appreciated. As an addict I’d love to obsess over them! Haha. Thank you.  

[Yellowpearl]

I will sit back and try to remain calm and not as passionate as I usually am. Therin remain the challenge!

There ya go!

At this point everything is unpredictable. Thank goodness for my sobriety and the tools I do have.

With everything being so unpredictable, when things are calm, I encourage you to read up on some of these skills so that when something unexpected happens, you will pick up some things on how to handle certain behaviors.

I recommend the general library, take a look around, see what stands out to you and this situation:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=36.0;sort=subject

Do's and Don't in a BPD relationship:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62266.0

In relation to how he would txt you a string of angry, manipulative txts, to prepare for that kind of thing, here's a link:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62266.0

On Boundaries:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167368

Here's an excerpt I got from "How to Be More Empathetic to the pwBPD in our life"

"Talk to the Person's Inner-Child - When we visualize our pwBPD as their vulnerable inner-child we can lower and lessen our defenses, which will then allow us to want to preserve the relationship and communicate in an effective way."

Oh, and here are some main relationship skills that list some of the important ones" https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=329747.0

Hope these help!

[Jbombjas]

Fantastic! Thank you!

[Jbombjas]

Well after more contact and a couple emotionless fairly brief but peaceful days of him chasing me, out of the blue it got ugly again. The events were different this time as I am just over it. I’ve come to realize that he is most likely a “high conflict personality” and there is just no peace with this guy. The insults are nasty while I remain calm and brief and kind. He is just, unfortunately, very sick and I cannot get him to comply with dating at this point anyway. He is blaming, lacks awareness or responsibility, is rageful, rigid, and uncompromising, . Even if I could, I can see it would be non-stop fighting with this man. I know I’m strong enough and have the tools, but it’s just not the way I want to live if he doesn’t get help. Unfortunately, he’s got it the worst of them all I’m afraid. With his non stop anger (which I try to be empathetic towards and only see as a secondary emotion) there is no calming him, no matter the technique used, and it continues over and over. He feeds and thrives on anger. And I am the target of blame. It is his form of a relationship and communication. And there is absolutely no possibility of approaching him to get help. Heck, I know what happened when someone approached me. I just got lucky and I was at my end of fighting. Of course I have faults too. It makes me sad. I don’t want to hurt him. And he won’t even see another failed relationship he has made for himself, or his part in any of it. If he does he will just feel shame. There is no winning for anyone here.

[Jbombjas]

Honestly I’d like to continue to try, but I feel at a loss and have absolutely no idea how. I have no hope that this man can even go a couple days without incredible angry emotional outbursts. I imagine I can better at my response. But I still feel hopeless.

[itsmeSnap]

Hey jbombjas

I know I'm not too qualified to give advice but it seems like you want some guidance, ultimately you make the choice so here it goes.

It is likely that he will keep having issues, so you have to accept it as part of the relationship if you want to continue.

My dad has anger issues and I suspect BPD too, and from tales from my mom in her interactions with his family my grandma had it too, just as a bit of context.

He had bad outbursts, from issues at work or money or just life issues in general (everyone makes problems, even we did so it's not all on him), he would get angry and even a dirty spoon would set him off. Obviously it wasn't about the spoon, that was the excuse to burst.

Anyway as I got older I realized I didn't have to stand for his anger but also I didn't have to fight the anger, just try to pick out why he was angry and have him realize it was often enough to have him question why he was acting like this towards us, helped him calm down.

I would have him realize it wasn't his fault the world wasn't better and also that he can't expect the world to be like he would want it, it is what it is and people are people and are selfish and mean and all that, but it doesn't have to be him to change them or suffer them not being good people.

So long story short, don't fight anger with anger, but also don't let it get to you. Its ok to step away and talk when he's better, but you do have to take any opportunity you have to plant that seed idea in their mind: its ok to be mad, but you have to know why that is and if you are mad at the right time, and at the right people.

People are who they are, but as long as it is their choice and not a dysregulated state they can act according to what an "ideal situation" dictates.

Of course dad still has issues but they're far between now. I know how to get to the real issue, as soon as I point it out its like a switch flips and he can regain control of the situation.

He's also seen a doctor and have meds prescribed but he doesn't take them, just the knowledge and comfort that he could is enough for him, gives him agency in controlling his emotions.

He was married to my mom for over 30+ years, they're divorcing now, so even after all that there are no guarantees in a relationship. Of course his is one case and not your situation, but its ok to compare similarities and realize where your situation is different.

Hope I didn't ramble too much off topic, just wanted to give you some perspective.

Good luck!

[Jbombjas]

Thank you so much for your kind words. I have done my best. Remained calm. Tried to ask how we can solve the problem together. Kept in the present moment. Unfortunately, the anger is always directed towards me. I am always the one at fault and to blame. It is not over other things. So it is hard to solve a problem when I am it and apologies or how can I do better next time doesn’t work. I imagine he is just very overwhelmed by any form of a relationship and his go to is fear, manifested as anger. I will do my best to continye to care for him as much as I can, but he is very broken, and without help, it will become intolerable to live like this with him as a partner. There is NO PEACE. Brief emotionless blips followed by anger and daggers. I don’t want to hurt him but I feel damned if I do damned if I don’t at this point. I will do my best because my empathy overrides a lot of the “abuse” which is only his pain. But I will remain at a distance while “loving” and nurturing him how I can.

[Jbombjas]

So after tons of back and forth and anger, yesterday was finally peaceful and pleasant. But I’m bewildered again. We spoke over FaceTime and had a nice talk. Said we were going to meet up. He told me to tell him when I was ready. He told me he had to clean up and then he’d get back to me. He would check in on me and see if I was available every hour or so for a few hours. His last text mentioned how much fun we were going to have very soon together. It was all very sweet and special. And then he just disappeared. What happened? Was it just too much emotionally for him? He has done this a few times to me. But not in such a pleasant manner. But just kinda flaked after showing immediate and definite impulsive interest in seeing me. I see he is keeping me at a distance. Why is this so you think? Will this change?  Will he ever meet me? Is it too overwhelming for him or is he playing games. He mentioned at one point I’m a bit unpredictable and he’s trying to control the situation. I’m thinking he’s scared of what will happen. And fearful of the intensity, future and emotions. It overwhelms him. But will this ever change? I just don’t get it or know what to do.

[Coldfish]

Hello,

Any update you can share?

[Jbombjas]

Thank you for following up. It has just been a lot of anger and rage. Limited communication. Last minute immediate gratification. Whenever I tell him the reality of things and stick up for myself and accept it’s over, he comes back the next day just to see if I’m around. Saying hi or Merry Xmas. I finally told him again and he tried to hook up with me a few days ago and when I “rejected” his hook up he got angry and told me he had just gotten a girlfriend... .an hour ago he added. It was ludicrous. I highly doubt that was true. Just something he fed off my earlier texts to him. So he went from trying to see me to getting a girlfriend minutes after. I told him good luck kindly and I’m done. I haven’t heard from him in 4 days since. I imagine he’s found a new woman or two to torture because he has been less communicative over the holidays. Interestingly even if he wanted to come back, he has ruined by saying he has a gf. But I’m sure he’ll lie his way around that lie if he wants too.  Frankly I’m not sure I care anymore. I read these posts and while I feel extremely empathetic towards his illness & behavior and want to love him, I’m not sure he is lovable. I have no hope of change even if I do. I don’t see it getting any better. I mean it’s been 2 months and we can’t even get together. How do you build a relationship w someone who has been angry & volatile w very very few extremely brief moments of kindness, when you can’t even see them? When I read the posts here I see most people fall for PwBPD because they go through huge adoration and idolization and courtship phases. He has shown his true colors almost immediately. I received very little adoration in the very very beginning. It was brief. Any form of emotion, love, abandonment or enmeshment makes him hugely uncomfortable & unstable. Im afraid he amongst the sickest of them with little awareness, desire for change, heavy narcissistic tendencies and a large substance abuse problem. I just don’t know if it’s possible to repair this and I’m not sure I’m going to try. I’m also not sure he’s willing or will come back this time.