First timer here. Looking for guidance

[anrpan20]

Hey everyone.  I was with a BPD partner for 7 months this year twice.  Both 3-1/2 month stints.

I was not made aware of this until recently after we broke up 2 months ago.  Her ex husband of 17 years actually contacted me and we had a beer where he told me she was diagnosed 12 years ago.

Trying to keep it short:

Met in January.  Hit the ground running.  I was wonderful.  Met her three kids within a month.  Spent a lot of time together.  Then, in March, she reversed everything on me.  Started nit-picking the smallest things about me and making a big deal of it.  They became deal breakers for her.  We argued a bit because I didnt understand and felt like I was unfairly being hurt.  She was in "horrible relationships with bad people" and I "may have been a rebound" (she has been divorced for 3 years and has had about 12 boyfriends... .among other things).  It ended very ugly.   I thought it was all my fault.

In June, I sent her an amends letter.  Telling her I was sorry for wronging her and that I felt bad about the way I acted.  She responded very positively and we started seeing each other quickly.  She said "I knew you would be back" and "she missed me dearly."  Same scenario.  This time she met my father and grandmother.  Told me even more wonderful things about me.  The most wonderful man she ever met, being in a loving relationship is uncomfortable for her but she was starting to believe, she loved me and she was sorry for being a fool the first time.

Then, it happened again.  The smallest text misunderstanding and I become "controlling, manipulative, a narcissist".  We argued, I defended myself, she became very angry, I told her to leave me alone.  She wrote me a 12 page email basically called the "10 commandments of why you are awful".  Received it at 8 in the morning... .it had to take her all night.

This is prior to me knowing the truth about her.  Before I spoke with her ex husband, I tried to make it right between us.  Told her I cared and that I hope she has a good life.  Our talks were pleasant and she appreciated it but said she is not ready for a relationship right now and needs to work on herself.  That is fine.  After 1 month of NC, she emailed me saying she still thinks of me and those doors can re open someday.  I wished her well and that was it.

... .

I then find out a mutual friend of ours doesnt want to be my friend anymore.  The "way I conducted myself" makes him uncomfortable?  The police call me because I am apparently stalking her (not once did I do that).  She tried to get a restraining order against me to no avail and then went on the name search websites trying to hurt my reputation.

That is when about her ex husband and I talked.  I found out she cheated on him for 15 years, got fired from many jobs because of her sleeping with coworkers, she had sex with half of a bike club and turned them all against each other causing a massive fist fight, her ex boyfriend in Florida (who she claimed raped her) said that she mooched off of him and was extremely disrespectful as well as bragging about all the debauchery she did behind her ex husbands back, she went to about 15 therapists and the only one she stuck with was one who told her what she wanted to here, she left her kids to go be with her ex boyfriend in Florida and only told the kids a day before she left.  She claimed the opposite of these exes.  In fact, she claimed they did all the things she actually did.  I revisited the 10 commandments email and realized that her entire slander of me was of herself.


We talked of marriage, me being the step father of her kids, we talked of the future.

When I found out I was so mad I sent her an email telling her I knew the truth.  She tried to get the police involved again but they already knew what was up.


Is there any hope this person will change?  Is there any hope that I can write her a letter (she has blocked me from everything) and hopefully show her that someone does care about her?  I would share my letter draft if you all would like to maybe get more information.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[anrpan20]

My drafted letter part 1:

(her name),

You don’t have to reply.  Just please read this.

Please know, I have always, I still do, and always will, love you. Your BPD is not who you are. I see you, even if you can’t see yourself. You are more beautiful than you can know. I truly believe you will see that someday. I had always thought I would be with you that day, but that’s just not the way it turned out to be. You’ll have to go it alone. Carry my heart within your heart, though.  Maybe that mere thought will give you the strength when you feel weak.  If that thought is something that helps you on your journey, even without me, I would be happy for you.

I loved you like I loved no other.  I never felt the way I did about anyone else.  I was head over heels.  I don’t know if that is because of the idealization phase being so strong or if it is because the few moments where you gave me true vulnerability, I saw the truth in your eyes.  I believe that.  I think in those sporadic, precious moments I got to really know who you are deep down.  When you cried on my chest in your bed, I so wish that I would have asked more questions and found out what was really on your mind.  I will never forget that moment.  It puzzled me for so long but I never wanted to press you on anything because I knew, at the very least, that there was so much pain in your heart.  I didn’t want to rehash it when you were with me.  I wanted you to smile.  I wanted you to know I was your rock.  I would have been that rock.  The foundation which you could rely on at any moment.

I don’t know if you ever really knew me.  I don’t know if you ever wanted to or if your mind wouldn’t allow it.  Had I found out the truth about everything when we were still together, I wouldn’t have left you.  If you would have told me about the disorder, I would have embraced you even more.  I don’t know if you believe that but I swear on my life that it is true.  I would have at least tried, with all of my best efforts, to drive it into your head that the fear of abandonment you suffer from is not something I would have done and that I would have done everything in my power to stand by you as difficult as that may have been.  I would have risked failure in that regard to just simply attempt it.  I would have risked the ebb and flow for as long as I could have.

I remember you apologizing for the first time we dated.  “I am sorry from the bottom of my foolish heart.”  You aren’t a fool.  I remember you telling me that I was the sweetest, kindest, most romantic man aside from your father.  I remember you saying you “knew I would be back.”  I didn’t realize until now that was your plea.  That was you begging that I don’t leave.  That was the central fear.  Like you expected people who were close to you to leave after they found out the truth.  That is not what love is.  Love is not running.  Love is staying.  Love is BEING THERE.

I wanted to tell you that if had you told me the extensive details of what is going on inside your head and the full truth about everything in the past, I would not have abandoned you or made you feel bad.  There would have been no disgust, no judgement, no humiliation, no shame…just an attempt to help.  In fact, now knowing that you probably don’t believe that anyone would ever really love you because of how you feel about yourself, I wanted to tell you that I sincerely hope that someday you allow people around you who care about you to stand beside you and truly open your heart without fear.  True friends and people who truly care would not judge you or leave.  I wouldn’t have.  I would have stood by you.  Those that do leave are those who never really deserved to be there in the first place.

I didn’t leave, (her).  I never would have.  You dumped me.  I remember you saying that I made you realize being in a true, loving relationship made you uncomfortable.  I know now that it is because you find it hard to believe that someone could love you for you.  I remember everything.  So vividly.  Like it was yesterday.  I am trapped in that conundrum.  A constant battle between “this person is screaming out for help but is scared” and “she is horrible”.  I don’t, I can’t believe you are the latter.  I won’t.  No matter what has been said and no mater what has been done I still cannot believe you are awful.  Yes, I said that but I want to be as direct as possible with you:  to go through what I went through, to fall madly in love, and to find that the underlying issues were concealed from me broke my heart and my trust to the likes of which I have never experienced in my life.  That pain was so overwhelming and so real that I truly lost myself for a little while.  Consumed with pain.  Broken.  I spent DAYS crying about you.  I spent much more time crying over you than I did looking at you with disdain.  Every now and then I still tear up.  Those moments, me in tears huddled in my bed, are moments that you didn’t know about.  You saw only one side of it: my lashing out.  It was me screaming “Why, (her), why wouldn’t you tell me?  I am begging you to tell me.  I wanted to be the catalyst for you to banish that demon forever.”

To look back at all of that and wonder, was it real?  Who was I in love with?  (her), the person who is buried under the burden of emotional duress or the person who was abused as a child who doesn’t love herself and pushes people away out of fear?  I don’t know.  I want to say it is the person I know who is overwhelmed in there.  The person who, ever so briefly, shared a few wonderful moments with me.  Moments that I cannot shake.

I can, at least, say that I do not regret meeting you.  I regret what happened between us.  I regret not being strong enough to lead you to self-betterment.  I regret not begging you to get help.  I regret not laying everything on the line and saying “My dear, please fight this with me.  Please let me help.”  I regret not finding out the truth sooner.

It is impossible for me to look back and say “she is a lair and manipulates people”.  I just can’t believe that.  I cannot believe anything you ever did was malicious.  I still strongly believe that actually.  It stems from what your mom did to you when you grew up and her neglect.  I resent her for that because she damaged a good-hearted person.  Just because I know about your past more clearly doesn’t mean that, after understanding it, I hate you.  In fact, I feel really sorry for you.  I wish I had the power to make it go away.  The unfortunate truth is that it is not only out of my hands but I believe that, for now, there is nothing I can do or say to you that will have you look at me in a positive light.  It is so disheartening to think that it may not have been real.  It hurts to look back and think that it may have been a façade.  It still hurts me to know that you probably hate me and may hate me forever.  I wish you didn’t.

There is no game here.  There is no motivation.  We aren’t a couple anymore and never will be again.  Friends?  I don’t know.  Perhaps, perhaps not.  I just want to abolish the hatred and get rid of the anger forever.  Everything I am and everything I will ever be prevents me from holding grudges against anyone.  I do not live with hate or disdain.  My heart is good and will always be.  I believe in second chances, I believe in forgiveness, I believe in people, I still believe in you.

I forgive you.  For everything.  No exceptions.  I hope, because hoping is all I can do anymore, that someday you are willing to take this on and face it with courage because you are capable.  I don’t want you to be alone.  There is good in there.  That is undeniable.  I don’t want you to push good people away.  I don’t want you to continue to suffer.  I don’t want you to repeat this same, painful process over and over again.  

That is out of my hands though.  A part of me wants to think that you will read that and know, deep down, that it is true and that it would be a great time to face this challenge and that you, legitimately, had someone who wanted to truly help you.  The other part of me says you will read all of this and either not give a damn or think I am a complete ___head and always be angry with me.  I have no control over that.  You may not have even made it this far in this letter.  If you have, I commend you for it and thank you for it even more so.

The blame game is over.  The obsession is dead.  The anger is gone.  The pain, however, will always exist. It sucks but I can never forget…even if it was an illusion…it was a nice illusion for a little while.  The best illusion I have ever experienced.

It was like a drug.  Always chasing the high point never able to get back there.  The initial phase was intoxicating.  Hearing things that people dream to hear from the person they love.  All for it to completely reverse.  I don’t know what is worse.  To know that the love maybe wasn’t true or to know that I was misled so badly and lied to because of a fear of abandonment that prevents love from flourishing.  I will never know, I guess.

It took several additional weeks of therapy to regain control of how I feel and how much I value who I am.  I am a good man.  Not perfect, but a person who cares about the people who have been in my life, past or present, friend, lover, or family.  That is me.

Very rarely have I burned bridges.  I am surrounded by good people.  The majority of my friendships and past relationships have all been normal even if the bond weakened or diminished.  I am there for anyone who needs me without excuse, anytime.  I put my loved ones above myself.  That is who I am and who I have always been and will be.  It will never change.

I don’t think it matters at this point though.  It seems I will always be painted “black” from now on and there is nothing I can do about that except keep moving on and try, one last time, to simply let you know that your hatred and shame of yourself is something I did not share with you.  It is also not the reality.  No matter what you have done in the past, no matter what is going on in your brain, it is not your fault and you deserve to be happy and love yourself.  In fact, I would bet you have encountered other people like me.  People who cared.  I wish you were able to see that not all of us are bad and that not all of us would have so easily fled.  Yes, some will, but that is a part of life.  When times are tough the only people we really have are those who are true.  Most of us are lucky to just have a few.  A few is enough.  One is enough.  

As difficult as it is to try and hang in there when dealing with someone who is broken, and it definitely is and I wish you understood that, there are still people out there who will go through it with you.  I pleaded and begged you to see that.  I tried so hard not to hurt you but I tried even harder to let you know that something was amiss and anyone who gets close to you has probably felt a massive amount of pain.  I know I did.  I also know you are in pain too.  I just wish you would have opened that up to me.  I would have reacted with care rather than misunderstanding.  Something didn’t add up.  It drove me insane.  Like a constant tug-of-war that I had no idea how to get footing.  That drove me to the point of lunacy.  And all the while, all that had to be presented was the truth.  You would have always had me there to support you.

Yes, I was angry at first because I felt like I was made out to be this horrible person that I am not.  I say it again, I am not horrible, not even remotely close and there is no way to prove otherwise.  To know that your inner turmoil is something that manifests like it does makes me regret that I ever said anything mean to you.  I didn’t know though.  Not until after.  If you would have told me I would have, at least, been able to understand a lot more.  Without that knowledge I was continually made to feel completely bewildered and lost about what the hell was going on.

Yes, I was angry because the lies and the manipulation hurt me so deeply.  I felt betrayed, used, and discarded without compassion.  I never experienced such things in my life.  Yes, I sent you an email calling you out for putting people through that.  Again, had I known these things didn’t come from the heart but from the childhood trauma and how it has manifested I would have reacted differently.  But again, I did not know because you hid it from me and everyone else.  I wish you didn’t.  There is no shame in crying out for help.  True strength comes from not fearing that we all have problems and it is okay.  We all have issues.  Nobody is perfect, that is impossible.  It is never too late to start fresh.  It is never to late to believe in something and other people and yourself.

Yes, I acted like a total jerk a few weeks ago and spammed you with insults and called you out.  I just wish you could see what effect this has on people.  That is the effect.  I was crying out, for months, to try and get you to understand that you hurt people inadvertently.  I was basically begging you, without saying it, to take some responsibility rather than projecting everything on everyone else.  Go on the BPD forums and see what people who have been in relationships have to say.  You can go online and read the pain.  These people, people like me, cared for someone so deeply all to have it taken away and for us to feel like it was all our fault.  That kind of emotional abuse hurts people for a long time.  It is not intentional but it is real.

That was my real motivation prior to the ___ storm.  No, it wasn’t to see who you were dating or if you had moved on, I don’t care about that at all and I know you probably did move on quickly, it was saying “Please, please see that treating people like this is wrong but it can be remedied.  Please say you are sorry.  Please acknowledge it and face it.”  All of our communication was basically me pouring my heart out and offering heartfelt apologies for things that I shouldn’t apologize for (I gave you my best, my absolute best.  So good that I, in fact, neglected my own mental health to try and help you) to get a weak winded I am sorry from you…it was like I had to share the blame for everything.  It wasn’t 50/50 in that regard.  I know myself now more than ever and I know, through a dedicated effort in therapy, 9 months of weekly therapy to be exact, that 95% of the things you said about me were straight projection yet I still forgive.  I forgive and would have forgave had that simple step been accommodated.  That is who I am.  That is what I believe in.  Forgiveness and understanding.

The fear of pain is real and the fear of abandonment is real too.  It is something I can never understand.  Yes, some people out there will run away, some will call you crazy, some will say that is your problem, some will use you.  However, there are people in this world who don’t discard people who are going through hard times.  I wish you would believe that.  I wish you would believe that all of us men are not out to prey on you.  I didn’t prey on you.  I felt the opposite, actually.

I wish you could go back and look at our arguments.  I wish you could see that my jabs at you paled in comparison to the way you ripped me.  The last few weeks we were together you went out of your way to start the devaluation.  Slowly but surely, I was brought down to nothing.  Every little thing about me nit-picked and used against me.  I was helpless.  All the things you said you loved about me were the things you said you disliked about me.  There was no way I could stand up for myself because I was walking on eggshells.  Calling me out for things that weren’t even true.  The 10 commandments of why I am so horrible was so very painful to read.  The memory of those words will haunt my mind for the rest of my life

[anrpan20]

Part 2:

I reached a point where I could not take it anymore.  I felt emotionally abused.  Like I didn’t matter to you at all.  I was overcame with despair.  Thankfully, my therapist has helped me know exactly who I am and that I am none of what you said.  None.  I am the polar opposite of controlling or selfish.  I am too nice and I let people walk over me.  It is the way I was raised.  Even if that makes me weak, I will always put other above myself because I care.  My heart is large and that is not a weakness.  I am kind and that is not a weakness.  My only weakness is that I never stood up for myself.

Even still, knowing all of that stuff, a part of me still always says “but what if…”.  Why?  Because some of me says I got to see the real you, even if it was briefly.  I don’t know that for sure.  I don’t and probably never will know if you said or did a lot of the things you did to draw me closer for validation or if it is because you really liked me.  I will never know how you really felt.  Yes, a part of me would find it hard to believe anything you say ever again but that angel on my shoulder always wins that battle.  I would rather empathize than assize.  I would rather trust and get burned than hide my head in the sand.  I would rather believe in you than say you are a bad person.  I don’t believe that.  I don’t believe you do the things you do on purpose or out of hatred.  I believe you do the things you do because your mother damaged you and it scarred you for life.  I just wish you wanted to change.  I wish you wanted to get better.  I wish you believed in me like I believe in you.  I wish you would see it and realize that there is hope for the BPD people out there.  I wish it didn’t hurt you reading that but I know it does and I am sorry.  I cannot hate.  I can only be angry for a short time.  My energy is best spent loving.  That is what I do.  That is who I am.

What if you would have truly opened up to me?  This is what would have happened:

If you did and you told me the truth about the past, I would not have left.  I wouldn’t have judged you or made you feel terrible.  I wouldn’t have called you disgusting or a psycho.  I would have asked, as I did many times, “What can I do to help?”  I would have gone to therapy with you.  I would have tried to work with you to set some milestones.  I would have, as I tried, always propped you up and tried to be nothing but supportive.  HAD I KNOWN, everything would have been different.  Nobody can react accordingly when the truth is not made available.  I would have been there.  I would have stayed there.

You can get help.  You can go through the difficult process of facing this and learning how to manage your feelings.  You can dedicate a lot of time to your self-betterment rather than evading it and commit to a steady therapy regimen.  You can be loved.  No job or amount of money in the world can make up for loving yourself and loving life.  No superficial thrill or superficial thing can be better than truly loving yourself and being mentally healthy.  You, at least with me, were never alone.  The road is long and difficult, I know that.  The ultimate thought is that you are the one who needs to make that decision though.  You have to really want it.  If you do, that is great and I hope you kick the ___ out of it.  If you don’t then that is your choice and yours alone.  

I truly don’t know if you care enough to take it on and don’t think this is an issue, if it is so painful it is scary, or that you do want it but don’t know how.  I just don’t know.  I was never able to make any good, helpful decisions when we were together because something just didn’t seem right.  Had I known about the disorder there would have been only one priority:  your mental health.  Not dating, not love, but genuine, heartfelt help.  If there is anything I know you believe about me it is what I just said.  I would have offered genuine, heartfelt, dedicated effort into helping you feel good about yourself and life.  I know you know that I am good.  I know you know that I wanted to be nothing but good to you.  “I try too hard”.  That is nonsense.  There is no such thing as trying too hard to be good to people who matter.  You mattered.  You even said that nobody could love you better than I did.  I gave my all.  I sacrificed a lot, most of which you don’t know about, to be there for you, to let you know you mattered to me, to show you love to the best of my ability.

After a few more weeks of therapy I can see how difficult it must be to be in your shoes.  I just wish you would have told me, (her).  I wish you would have known that I wouldn’t have ran.  I wish you believed that I wanted to be the one person in this world who would have accepted you the way you are and held your hand as you went through this difficult mentality.  I want to believe that you do want to change and get better but that is up to you.  It is impossible for me to know.  I just wish you believed me.

I just wanted to say that.   I hope that you go through with getting better and really dedicate energy into doing it because it will require a serious dedication to do so.  If you do, the things you have always wanted will come true and life will become beautiful and you can learn to love yourself and trust people again.

If you got mad when you read this, it is okay.  This wasn’t a letter to hurt you, it was the truth, from my heart.  If you did get mad it is probably denial and there is nothing I can do to change your mind.  If you still think I am an ass, that is okay as well.  I know I am not.  If there is a part of you that believes in what I say, you know where to find me.

I don’t know if I loved you or if I loved a broken mirror.  What I can say is that I really do care about your wellbeing and I want you to be happy.  I loved your children and hope that you get better for them.  They really do need you.  You are a person who’s life matters.  I wish you would believe that.

If you choose to take this stuff head on, I will cheer for you.   If you don’t, then I said what I needed to say from the heart without any motivation other than trying to let you know that I am real and have always been real and my heart was broken but that doesn’t mean you are awful.  It just means that you need help and it is there if you choose to accept it.  I forgive you.  Don’t hate yourself.  My tidal wave of positivity rises again…and I hope it reaches your shores someday.

The only thing that I know for sure is that this is the last time I will ever reach out to you.  The rest I leave to you.  I don’t believe that you want me out of your life entirely but I also don’t know that for sure.  I guess time will answer that question.  If you do reach out, do not be afraid, I will receive you with open arms.  If you don’t, then everything I have ever said to you about loving yourself and deserving to be happy will ALWAYS remain how I truly felt.  Good luck, please, for you and for anyone else who does care about you, defeat this disorder because it can be done.  Don’t let this demon destroy the good people you have or will encounter.  Don’t let it destroy you.  

I hope one of these nights when you are lying in bed and you are feeling down you look to the stars and see a twinkle.  That twinkle is me.  That twinkle is the antithesis of how you feel about yourself.  That twinkle should always remind you that for a short part of your life you had a man who would have given his life to see you love yourself and be happy.  That twinkle is eternal just like my care for you as a living, breathing person who, I know for certain, just wants to be loved and love herself.  That twinkle will burn forever.  Shine on, shine bright, and shine forever.  I will always hold a star in the sky for you and I simply cannot forget you.

I need to go on my own for now because now I am ready. I am ready for someone real, someone consistent, maybe someone else, but when you are ready, if that day comes, I am there for you, always.

Always,
(my name)

[Zakade]

Anrpan20, Welcome!

Someone shared this video with me when I got here and it really had an impact on me for understanding why it is hard to reach someone with BPD. https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-to-get-borderline-into-therapy  You can't "save" her with love.  I've been living with my wife for 16 years and I tried and tried to "save" her and it never worked.  What seemed to work was me letting go.

I'm going to put it out there.  Move on before you get trapped.  Do it for yourself and don't save her.  She needs help but you are not the right person to do that.

[once removed]

hi anrpan20 and

im glad you reached out... .i know none of this is easy.

i would recommend sitting on the letter for a while. this is a loaded situation. it could do more harm than it helps. but letters like that can help to write out, emotionally speaking, so if it does, continue to put your thoughts down here, on paper, whichever.

can you clarify the timeline for us a bit:

youve been broken up for two months, do i have that right? how long ago did she get the restraining order? what are the terms, and is it temporary?

[anrpan20]

hi anrpan20 and

im glad you reached out... .i know none of this is easy.

i would recommend sitting on the letter for a while. this is a loaded situation. it could do more harm than it helps. but letters like that can help to write out, emotionally speaking, so if it does, continue to put your thoughts down here, on paper, whichever.

can you clarify the timeline for us a bit:

youve been broken up for two months, do i have that right? how long ago did she get the restraining order? what are the terms, and is it temporary?

Thank you for being there for me.

We have been broken up for 2 months now.  A month ago she sent the email telling me she still thinks about me.  3 weeks ago I met her ex husband.  2 weeks ago was the restraining order attempt.  She was not even able to get a temporary order against me because I never threatened her.  I just told her I know the truth and I was really mad.

[once removed]

does she know you spoke to her ex husband?

[anrpan20]

does she know you spoke to her ex husband?

Not to my knowledge.  Both he and I agreed it would do more harm than good to let that cat out of the bag.

[once removed]

good thinking... .

so shes blocked you on all avenues, do i have that right? and was that around the time she tried to get the order?

it does indicate that there may be a lot of ice that needs to thaw before (if) she would be receptive to you reaching out. through what avenue would you be contacting her?

[anrpan20]

good thinking... .

so shes blocked you on all avenues, do i have that right? and was that around the time she tried to get the order?

it does indicate that there may be a lot of ice that needs to thaw before (if) she would be receptive to you reaching out. through what avenue would you be contacting her?

Yeah, she blocked me on social media, the phone, email and everything else.  She blocked me first via phone after we text argued because she was slamming me.  We then remained in contact with a few email exchanges.  After I found out the truth and called her out (oops) she blocked me on everything and that is when the police came into play.


I was going to send that letter through mail straight to her house.

[once removed]

okay, got it.

so, a lot of ice left to thaw, and a chance that shed go to the cops if you sent her a letter, even if nothing came of it. i dont think shes likely in a place that she can "hear" you right now. that may change, with some time... .you know her best, what do you think the chances are that she reaches out at some point?

[anrpan20]

okay, got it.

so, a lot of ice left to thaw, and a chance that shed go to the cops if you sent her a letter, even if nothing came of it. i dont think shes likely in a place that she can "hear" you right now. that may change, with some time... .you know her best, what do you think the chances are that she reaches out at some point?

It is so hard to answer that.  Considering that a month after we broke up and, out of the blue, she sent me an email thinking about me mixed things up.  On the other hand, after I found the truth she has went on a revenge campaign and got a mutual friend of ours to terminate their friendship with me.

She is high functioning, that is for sure.  From what I have understood, she has went to great lengths to blast her exes and has tried to punish them all with legal action.

[once removed]

From what I have understood, she has went to great lengths to blast her exes and has tried to punish them all with legal action.

thats not promising... .

what would you like to see happen? to get back together? to be friends? to talk, and say your piece? a combination of any of those?

[anrpan20]

thats not promising... .

what would you like to see happen? to get back together? to be friends? to talk, and say your piece? a combination of any of those?

All I really want is for her to get better.  I also want her to be aware of what she does to people.  I don't want to be with her because that just isn't possible.  Being her friend doesn't really have any value to me either.  It is more or less with the aim that I want to reaffirm to her that I was real, my love was real, that I am not what she claims I am, and hopefully get better for the sake of her children

[once removed]

thats a lot of love and care, and youre a stand up guy for wishing that for her.

experts would tend to say, she has to want it as much or more... .do you think she does?

[anrpan20]

thats a lot of love and care, and youre a stand up guy for wishing that for her.

experts would tend to say, she has to want it as much or more... .do you think she does?

Here is why I am conflicted.

During our second go of dating, a lot of her tune changed.  She was talking about how she knew she was uncomfortable in a real, loving relationship but understood that I really did actually love her.  She cried in my arms and said "You love me, and I believe you".

When she started splitting all that changed.  I didn't know she had BPD at the time though.  To me it was insane!  Now that I know I wish she would have told me.

Does she want to change?  I think deep inside she does.  However, the way she projects everything onto me leads me to believe she is in denial and cant handle the truth.

[once removed]

Does she want to change?  I think deep inside she does.  However, the way she projects everything onto me leads me to believe she is in denial and cant handle the truth.

its true for a lot of people.

we may not necessarily all like our lives the way they are. but most of us picked up some things over the course of our life, that once greatly served us, and in adulthood, may not serve us so well... .not only is it extremely difficult to realize and accept this (its like learning that the sky is green, except its your way of life) but even if we want to, its difficult to change and sustain it. probably, in lots of ways, what she knows works for her.

its hard to watch when we care for someone deeply. it can be a greater kindness to let them find a better way, if they want it.

[anrpan20]

its true for a lot of people.

we may not necessarily all like our lives the way they are. but most of us picked up some things over the course of our life, that once greatly served us, and in adulthood, may not serve us so well... .not only is it extremely difficult to realize and accept this (its like learning that the sky is green, except its your way of life) but even if we want to, its difficult to change and sustain it. probably, in lots of ways, what she knows works for her.

its hard to watch when we care for someone deeply. it can be a greater kindness to let them find a better way, if they want it.

Even though I care, she isn't going to change.  I just need to let it go.

[once removed]

how are you holding up?

[anrpan20]

how are you holding up?

I am doing alright, actually.  To be honest, she isn't going to change and I cannot "love" her into therapy or change.  That is up to her.  She is already dating again and soon enough will start the splitting phase.  There is nothing I can do except go NC for the rest of our lives.

Thanks for being there for me, I greatly appreciate it

[once removed]

if you are done, id encourage you to work the stages of grief on the Detaching board, and get some support. it was really critical in my own recovery, and making sure i didnt just sweep it under the rug. time can take away some of the immediacy and urgency of the pain, but it wont heal. after that, the Learning board can help you learn the lessons you want to take into future relationships, and theyll be with you for life.

what do you think?

[anrpan20]

if you are done, id encourage you to work the stages of grief on the Detaching board, and get some support. it was really critical in my own recovery, and making sure i didnt just sweep it under the rug. time can take away some of the immediacy and urgency of the pain, but it wont heal. after that, the Learning board can help you learn the lessons you want to take into future relationships, and theyll be with you for life.

what do you think?

I will do just that.  I will go to the failed boards and post my story and talk through it.  Thank you again!

[once removed]

see ya there!