New Here and So Frustrated

[Fluffywife]

Hi everyone! I’m new here so thanks for having me. My husband  was diagnosed with BPD last year. I have spent the last year really trying to understand BPD so I could weren’t to help him and not take things so personal.  I have really learned how to properly set boundaries and how to respond to things, but right now I’m just really strong out on the whole disorder.  I feel like as partners two people who have the disorder our feelings and emotions do not seem to matter because it’s all about the person with BPD and how much they suffer. As partners, we suffer to! I feel like that is completely missef and no one really seems to care. It’s frustrating and disheartening. My issue right now is that my husband has spent the last two weeks completely devaluing me.  He has not really spoke to me or spend time with me or intimate with me it’s all about how he needs space and he just wants to be left alone and my wants and needs just do not matter. How do I cope with this? It is so hard for me and it continues to be a struggle and I am so lost and it is really starting to impact my own opinions of myself and my own self talk. I am in such a state of depression I don’t know what to do. Please someone help me!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

hi Fluffywife, and

im glad you reached out, and we are happy to have you here (though not happy for the circumstances that brought you!). i hope youll stick around and make yourself at home here as part of the family.

I feel like as partners two people who have the disorder our feelings and emotions do not seem to matter because it’s all about the person with BPD and how much they suffer. As partners, we suffer to!

we understand how challenging, and often times, unfair these relationships can be. our partners are inherently limited when it comes to both relationship skills, and coping skills. this does not mean that we cannot find fulfillment in our lives, and in our relationships. if anything, it does mean we have to be vigilant about doing so.

My issue right now is that my husband has spent the last two weeks completely devaluing me.  He has not really spoke to me or spend time with me or intimate with me it’s all about how he needs space and he just wants to be left alone and my wants and needs just do not matter.

tell us more... .in what ways is he devaluing you, and what led up to this?

how has he been doing since being diagnosed?

[Harri]

Hi Fluffywife.  I want to join Once removed and say welcome to the site.  I am sorry things are so difficult for you right now but it is great that you are reaching out for support.  We can do that here.

You mentioned you learned about boundaries and how to respond.  Where did you learn these things? 

As partners, we suffer to! I feel like that is completely missef and no one really seems to care. It’s frustrating and disheartening.

Yes, it is easy to feel this way because the pwBPD (person with BPD) takes so much time, attention and energy.  We get it here though and our focus is making things better for you really.  Yes, we talk about tools and boundaries and communication strategies, but it is aimed at improving things for both people and self-care is stressed a lot.

As you share more we can support you more so I too hope you settle in and get comfortable.

Again, welcome.

[Cailin]

Hi Fluffywife,
I can relate to your struggles, as my husband was diagnosed with BPD years ago. That in and of itself is a blessing (having the diagnosis) because it provides the scaffolding on which to build your understanding of the chaotic interactions with your husband. Once you get an internal representation of just what is happening in the moment (say splitting behavior or boomerang language) it makes the interactions all make sense. The mistake that I have made in the past is telling him what is happening! Telling him that I realize that I just went from “hero” to “zero” in the course of a day only makes him Justify, Argue, Defend and Explain (JADE) away his behavior and blame me for it. Educating myself on this Personality Disorder (I think) and standing firm in your beliefs about yourself is the only way that I have kept my sanity! That and building a life outside the marriage that is rich in friendships and meaningful work. And yes, you and your experiences and emotions matter. And yes, it is all about him.